mikedrum13 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Hello after doing a lot of thinking i decided to write a mail to her. i basically told her i was open to give her another chance and start a new relation. I was not goin to wait for her forever so she should make up her mind now. It was a very long mail wich took me hours of thinking and realizing stuff. her answer was: sorry, im to busy with work right now and ill continue to be that way until de 14th, so forgive me but give me a few days so i can think about it cause i really cant right now. So answer me this, is it me or she isnt giving the situation the importance it has?
audrey_1 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Hello after doing a lot of thinking i decided to write a mail to her. i basically told her i was open to give her another chance and start a new relation. I was not goin to wait for her forever so she should make up her mind now. It was a very long mail wich took me hours of thinking and realizing stuff. her answer was: sorry, im to busy with work right now and ill continue to be that way until de 14th, so forgive me but give me a few days so i can think about it cause i really cant right now. So answer me this, is it me or she isnt giving the situation the importance it has? Telling someone they should make up their mind now and you're not going to wait forever is pushy and a bit aggressive. With all the posts I've read where men say they hate being "pushed," let me say that women don't really appreciate it, either. I don't know what else your letter said; it could be very sweet, but these two key things will probably resonate more than anything else. And if it's a long letter, she will need time to process what you said, just as it took you a long time to process what you wrote.
Ronni_W Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I'd see it more as she IS giving the situation the importance that it has FOR HER. It is that you each have different priority levels about the matter. Did you think it was gracious of her to take the time and expend the energy to respond so thoughtfully, though?
mike5770 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 This is just my opinion but it looks like she has very low interest level. I would not contact her again unless she contacts you first. I know it is hard but I would try to date others and move on with my life. If she gets back to you then you can take it from there.
seminoles84 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 This is just my opinion but it looks like she has very low interest level. I would not contact her again unless she contacts you first. I know it is hard but I would try to date others and move on with my life. If she gets back to you then you can take it from there. I second that. I made the mistake of sending these kind of emails to my ex. She rarely even responded. Keep your dignity and let he contact you next. Don't make the mistake I made. I feel like a idiot now. B*tch!
nowhereman82 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I second that. I made the mistake of sending these kind of emails to my ex. She rarely even responded. Keep your dignity and let he contact you next. Don't make the mistake I made. I feel like a idiot now. B*tch! Yeah did the same as Seminoles....learn from us
BCCA Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 You put yourself out there, she knows how you feel, she said she would respond when she was ready. All and all, I think that you got about as much as you could expect. The reason I warn people about making these sorts of contact is that often times we'll convince ourselves that it's only 'for closure' or to feel things out, and we get out hopes up that it's going to trigger this chain reaction from the other person. Obviously, it doesn't work that way. As some one else said, what's important to YOU might not be important to her. She could really be busy with life, and might just not feel like dealing with this right now. She wasn't completely rude, she did respond, and she did leave the door open, but I don't think she's really wanting to do anything more about it right now. You should respect that and leave it alone. And Audrey is right, you shouldn't ever put any pressure on the situation. If you're broken up, I would assume it was her doing if you are the one writing the letter. She has already decided that she didnt want to be with you, and adding pressure is only going to hammer that decision home. Let it be, move on with life. If/when she does respond, cross that bridge when you come to it.
Author mikedrum13 Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 Hey! thanks for the answers. see, the thing is far more complicated. She did broke up with me after 8 years but as i tried to moved on she came back, after 4 months and after she was with another one. i tried to tell her it was too soon but she insisted claiming i was the man of his life. she would call me crying also. after i decided to give her a chance things went well for two weeks and she ended having second thoughts. thats how thing have been going, weve talked, got angry, had sex until my mail
Solace22 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I second that. I made the mistake of sending these kind of emails to my ex. She rarely even responded. Keep your dignity and let he contact you next. Don't make the mistake I made. I feel like a idiot now. B*tch! Yeah, I want my ex to die.
BCCA Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Hey! thanks for the answers. see, the thing is far more complicated. She did broke up with me after 8 years but as i tried to moved on she came back, after 4 months and after she was with another one. i tried to tell her it was too soon but she insisted claiming i was the man of his life. she would call me crying also. after i decided to give her a chance things went well for two weeks and she ended having second thoughts. thats how thing have been going, weve talked, got angry, had sex until my mail Easy come, easy go. Remember that phrase. The next time she wants to come back, dont make it so easy and be non-commital about it. If she doesnt EARN you back, your percieved value wont be that high.
MichiganMan222 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 BCCA, I hear you say 'make them earn it' a lot and it makes sense, but do you have suggestions on that? I don't want to hijack this thread, but perhaps the OP can use the info as well. Are you talking about being wishy-washy with them at first..."Let me think about it and I'll get back with you.".....or, more to the effect of accepting a date with them, and then not contacting them for a week or so....How would YOU make someone jump through hoops presuming they wanted to comeback and you sincerely wanted to give them another try?
sultry33 Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 op if she was that willing to make it work she would.. work busy.. its all excuses.. been there and waiting just meant he could screw me as we fit but pursue others.. whilst i waited for him.. gave him space:laugh: im a bit bitter but hopefully my advice fits... as this is a 2nd chance for you she is not really showing that she wants the same as you. get busy and do as above wait for her to prove it:)
movingonandon Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Telling someone they should make up their mind now and you're not going to wait forever is pushy and a bit aggressive. With all the posts I've read where men say they hate being "pushed," let me say that women don't really appreciate it, either. I don't know what else your letter said; it could be very sweet, but these two key things will probably resonate more than anything else. And if it's a long letter, she will need time to process what you said, just as it took you a long time to process what you wrote. I beg to differ - pushing is fine. Not in a sense of pesetering people on and on, but in a sense of clearly putting one's boundaries. So saying either decide now or leave me alone is a perfectly reasonable thing to say. My own ex makes attempts to come back, but in terms of generalities, asks to give her time, for me to be patient, etc., without having dumped her current bf. So me telling her that she needs to either dump him today, right now, or forget about talking to me is not pushy, it's basic self-respect and self-preservation. I don't know what the OPs exact situation is and how exactly he phrased the letter, but it does not seem unreasonable to ask for resolution - as long as he is sure that he won't kepp hanging around if she does not comply, in which case it will transition from reasonable to pathetic.
BCCA Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 BCCA, I hear you say 'make them earn it' a lot and it makes sense, but do you have suggestions on that? I don't want to hijack this thread, but perhaps the OP can use the info as well. Are you talking about being wishy-washy with them at first..."Let me think about it and I'll get back with you.".....or, more to the effect of accepting a date with them, and then not contacting them for a week or so....How would YOU make someone jump through hoops presuming they wanted to comeback and you sincerely wanted to give them another try? Well, for example, if your ex calls you on a Friday to hang out, they could be A) bored or B) actually want to see you. Put them off for a week, say youre really busy, but can make time later. If theyre serious about seeing you, theyll wait. Next, you dont owe them anything. You dont have to drop plans to hang out with them, so if they want to call you to hang out unexpectedly make sure it fits your needs. Make sure you feel you are seeing an effort made. If you get calls asking you to come over right now, make sure those calls work both ways or blow them off. Dont be the one to make contact. If they want to talk to you, they will call. Im not saying dont return calls or tell them youll call but dont, I mean you dont have to be the one intiating the calls. Ideally, it should be an equal effort, but during this situation, they need to work harder than you do. And ask yourself what you see differently about this person. Figure out what you think your issues are, explain them to your ex and make sure she understands what its going to take to fix them. Youll need to listen to them as well, but if theyre willing to work out the problems together, thats a big step. Dont allow anything to go unsaid. If something bothers you or you feel bad about a sitaution, you 2 need to hash it out and come to a conclusion that you both are happy with. Lastly, they have to be big enough to admit they made a mistake and realize you arent going to forget it over night. Dont take them right back. Always wait a few weeks of 'dating' to closely asses the progress. You dont have to be non-comittal, but you need to make them understand that they hurt you badly and need to make you SURE that isnt going to happen again. Watch people closely, follow your gut, and just dont let anyone jump right back into a relationship with you after they broke your heart. Everything is on YOUR terms if they want to come back, remember that.
Author mikedrum13 Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 Its hard to let go sometimes. if youve been on a relation for 8 years its very hard. But time heals everything, thats true. When we broke up i was able to move on after 4 months, i even started seeing someone. But then she started looking for me, she was the one who tried to convince me to get back. Then, suddenly, she says she needs time to know herself, be alone and all that... I truly understand that, she was very young when she was with me. But why is she behaving like this! She dumped me, then tried to win me back and when she did, she says she needs to be alone... Anyway, we got together and i told her she needed to make up her mind right now. I know she needs time but i made clear that i will not give her my time so she should forget about me. I dont really know what else to do. To be honest, i would love being with her again but i cant force it. Is it clear that i didnt ask for this? she came back! During the time she was trying to win me back she bought a couple of tickets for a concert where a band we both like will play. anyway, i gave her mine back. the concert is this week but she needs to be alone so what is the point running into each other? she even said to me the other day she didnt want us to run into each other at clubs (we usually go to the same ones)... i think i did the right thing. thats all... i hope she could make up her mind because i love her but i must move on right? i really want her back and getting some distance is a way of doing that... i hope it works. i really think that if she is always coming back to me, that meeans something
Recommended Posts