watermeloncandy Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 ok, so some might not consider this a 'gum drops and lollipops' thread, but i started thinking about a conversation i had with a coworker the other day. i confessed to her that several times i had fantasized about beating my ex to a pulp and the different ways i'd do it in order to teach him a lesson about 'respect' . NOT THAT I WOULD EVER REALLY DO IT! She looked at me with this weird expression and then relief and said that she had thought those exact same kinds of thoughts when she and her husband split. Although she too would never actually act out on them. We both talked at length about how we can see how some people just 'snap' and end up becoming physically violent when something happens. the anger and hurt you feel is incredible! It's amazing how you can love and care about someone and yet think such horrible thoughts about what you'd love to do to them. are there people out there would experience this kind of hurt and anger but DON'T think of revenge in the slightest? Yeah, it's not nice to actually say out loud that you do think things like that because you think people are going to think you are a horrible person, but I think it's completely normal. My counsellor said an interesting quote "Who is safe on the streets of your mind?" (this thread is in no way meant to encourage someone to ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY HARM SOMEONE, but more to let people know that thinking those kinds of things is OK and normal. ACTING out on them, isn't.)
seminoles84 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 John and Lorena Bobbitt.. sound familiar? lol
mike5770 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 ok, so some might not consider this a 'gum drops and lollipops' thread, but i started thinking about a conversation i had with a coworker the other day. i confessed to her that several times i had fantasized about beating my ex to a pulp and the different ways i'd do it in order to teach him a lesson about 'respect' . NOT THAT I WOULD EVER REALLY DO IT! She looked at me with this weird expression and then relief and said that she had thought those exact same kinds of thoughts when she and her husband split. Although she too would never actually act out on them. We both talked at length about how we can see how some people just 'snap' and end up becoming physically violent when something happens. the anger and hurt you feel is incredible! It's amazing how you can love and care about someone and yet think such horrible thoughts about what you'd love to do to them. are there people out there would experience this kind of hurt and anger but DON'T think of revenge in the slightest? Yeah, it's not nice to actually say out loud that you do think things like that because you think people are going to think you are a horrible person, but I think it's completely normal. My counsellor said an interesting quote "Who is safe on the streets of your mind?" (this thread is in no way meant to encourage someone to ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY HARM SOMEONE, but more to let people know that thinking those kinds of things is OK and normal. ACTING out on them, isn't.) It is natural and normal to feel such things and even have fantasies when you are hurt. I believe it is a way of coping. My revenge fantasy is more non violent as I am a 6'5 250lb man and she is a 5'2 100 pound woman so I would never ever harm her. My fantasy is more I am with a knock out new g friend and she got dumped by her man and we are in the same bar and my new chick is all over me andshe is crying saying how stupid she was and she would do anything to be with me and I say "You told me you love him..I think you should be with him!" and I walk away arm and arm. Or I do what she did to me and make out with my new girlfriend right in front of heras she did to me!" But nothing ever violent. I believe if one thinks of violence enough it could actually happen....OJ comes to mind. No one either is worth or deserves that even if he/she is a twit!
backspacectrl Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 i have been through some pretty rough times and while talking to people about it helps its always nice to have a though like that... its a coping method, a completly human thing. we use it to boost ourself up when were feeling down.
ahhhchooo Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I think of all these things I'm going to say to her to try and make her feel bad... but I never say them. I have this sick hope that her life will be total **** and she'll always regret what she did.
Crestfallen_KH Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 There really is a thin line between love and hate. Only someone you've loved so deeply could inspire such thoughts of hatred and revenge. My ex-h walked out on me for another woman he'd only known two weeks. It's been almost a year, and they are still together. He's never really apologized, asked for forgiveness or had a second thought - he just walked out on me after 8 years and into a married woman's bed. I absolutely had revenge thoughts. It doesn't seem right that you get to do that to someone - someone who had always been kind, never lied, never cheated - and get away with it. But, you do. I've struggled with this concept of "justice" for the better part of a year and even today it doesn't seem like the world has been made right. But the best revenge really is a life well lived. Anything I did would lessen me as a person, would elicit regretful feelings in me and make me the kind of person I elect not to be. He took a lot of things, but my dignity and pride did not go with him. Entertain the thoughts, but keep them in the realm of fantasy. Thinking them doesn't make you a bad person, it's a normal part of the process.
D-Lish Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I did something bad by mistake. (I posted about it in another thread a while back) I dated a guy who was back and forth- back and forth with me all the time. He would go missing in action and then come back like a stalker- and he just repeated this pattern. The last time he had been at my place he left his oversized hoodie- and then sort of pulled the disappearing act again. I used his hoodie to walk my dogs and the last time I did, i tied up the dog poop in the bag and forgot about it in the pocket. Soon after he came by to grab his hoodie- and I put it in a bag for him and that was it. I got a nasty voice mail from him the next day---- I guess his mom had washed his hoodie and the dog poo was in the wash. He was so mad insisting I had done it on purpose to be a jerk. Believe me- I didn't do it in purpose... but it was funny it worked out that way...
citizen67 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Crestfallen - That was a great post! I actually did avenge myself a little, and its not as helpful as you imagine it to be- and the regret and shame make it not worth it, I guess. I wish I could just be "the better person" and "take the high road" - but I feel like, why arent the men ever the "better people" why cant they ever "take the high road"? The low road is kinda appealing . . . .
citizen67 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I did something bad by mistake. (I posted about it in another thread a while back) I dated a guy who was back and forth- back and forth with me all the time. He would go missing in action and then come back like a stalker- and he just repeated this pattern. The last time he had been at my place he left his oversized hoodie- and then sort of pulled the disappearing act again. I used his hoodie to walk my dogs and the last time I did, i tied up the dog poop in the bag and forgot about it in the pocket. Soon after he came by to grab his hoodie- and I put it in a bag for him and that was it. I got a nasty voice mail from him the next day---- I guess his mom had washed his hoodie and the dog poo was in the wash. He was so mad insisting I had done it on purpose to be a jerk. Believe me- I didn't do it in purpose... but it was funny it worked out that way... it MAKES IT so much BETTER that it was unintentional!!! LOL
Crestfallen_KH Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Well, I still admit that I sort of think like Mike. I don't believe in karma, so I don't think he'll "get his" and the mystical universe will "right things," but yeah, if his relationship fails miserably and bad things happen in his life, oh gee, that's too bad. I chuckled ten different ways when they both got fired from the workplace where they met. Hey, I'm only human after all.
CaliGuy Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Isn't the best revenge a life well lived WITHOUT your ex? I think so...
Crestfallen_KH Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 hehe well, a life well lived couldn't include the ex, now could it?
D-Lish Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Isn't the best revenge a life well lived WITHOUT your ex? I think so... It's the most rewarding way as far as I am concerned. The poo in the pocket was quite the funny thing though. I thought he would have considered me "crazy" after that because he sounded so distraught on the phone I detected he was about to cry - but he still texts.... Unintended revenge... but makes for a great story around the camp fire.
motive2002 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I still linger there, but as another poster mentioned, I think karma will take it's course. Let her make her own mistakes, because she is definitely capable without any help from me.
sultry33 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 my ex talked to me just a few days before he just upped an left.. he said in the past he had done / said some bad things which he now regretted..said he could be really nasty an he regretted doing that.. i now know he was talking about us... i said we all have regrets you have to do what is right at the time even if it hurts another... hell i gave him the door lol love an hate are close imo i hate to love him but i believe in karma.. one day he will feel the pain of loss.. broken dreams its only a matter of time before his life crashes down i feel this, he is a policeman who takes perks that in itself is bad:eek: i told him to stop but i know he hasnt...
Author watermeloncandy Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 it IS unfair that these people who done us wrong 'seem' to still go about life completely unscathed and we suffer from it. sure, maybe they are suffering in their own way, but we don't actually 'see' it and have nothing tangible. i guess that's one reason why getting revenge would be so sweet since we'd have something we could actually recognize as them getting what they deserve, and we are the cause of their pain. yeah, taking the high road is supposed to make you a better person and not stoop down to their level, and by hurting them, you are telling them that their action of hurting you was an OK thing to do since you are doing it back to them...(so my counsellor said yesterday). for me, i don't believe it 'what goes around comes around'. i think it's a nice theory and makes you feel better when someone's done you wrong, but in the end, sh*t happens to people and i don't believe it's necessarily karma biting them on the butt. are these things painful/hurtful things that are happening to us karma for something we've done? the idea of 'what goes around comes around' for me, would only work if i was the one giving the 'come around' and then i would know that whatever happened to them was a direct result of what they did to me, and they'd know it. last night i talked to my ex about going for counselling, which he's up for, and during the conversation he indicated to me (he's on holiday's right now) that he's cutting his holiday short because he's not enjoying himself and doesn't really want to be there. a very large part of me that was gleeful knowing that he's actually having a crummy time in a city that normally he goes to and LOVES. so knowing that, i do feel better. he's hurting and he's miserable and i'm glad. it's funny but just that one small thing makes me feel a whole lot better. no, it doesn't get rid of the pain and anger that i feel, but it reaffirms in me that this isn't easy for him, which i never actually had anything TANGIBLE to indicate that. now i do. do i still want to smash his head in with his bowling ball?...not so much anymore...
orangehose Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Crestfallen said it quite well - the reason the ex inspires hatred is because he/she also inspires love. If we couldn't care less about them, well, we'd only thank them for removing themselves from our lives so completely I have to admit, I sometimes pray / hope for terrible things to happen to my ex - then I feel a little guilty, because he doesn't quite deserve something terrible. What he DOES deserve is an educational experience that will make him less of a jerk. But that might be asking too much from the universe. Anyway, I think if you truly get to the point where you believe and feel your life is better without them - then the anger will go away. Because you'll feel that they did you a favor, rather than an injury, by leaving.
JooLee Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 its just like that song by faith hill - cry. if i had just one tear rolling down your cheek maybe i could cope maybe i'll get by knowing that they are miserable too, makes us feel better cos then we know we actually mean something to them. but unfortunately not all are like that , some are just plain cruel and in my world, i hope they (specificly my ex) gets blown apart for being mistaken as a terrorist. sorry just so much of anger in me right now.
Ingenue Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I've occasionally entertained thoughts of revenge. Mine usually involve the ex coming back to tell me he's made a huge mistake and my response is just parroting something from his email dump to reject him. I would never do this though. It's a callous and wholly unnecessary way to play with somebody's emotions and I'm a better person than that. As the days pass though, I don't really think of revenge. I honestly do wish him well and hope that his life is meaningful and not filled with any regrets. Life is a funny thing. In the moment, everything becomes heated and emotional and completely unlivable. But the clarity of distance and time paints another picture, one where we all just trudge along doing the best we can do. Someone one said, "living well is the best revenge".
Author watermeloncandy Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 its just like that song by faith hill - cry. if i had just one tear rolling down your cheek maybe i could cope maybe i'll get by knowing that they are miserable too, makes us feel better cos then we know we actually mean something to them. but unfortunately not all are like that , some are just plain cruel and in my world, i hope they (specificly my ex) gets blown apart for being mistaken as a terrorist. sorry just so much of anger in me right now. i have never heard this song before - thanks for sharing it. it's very apropos.
0hpenelope Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 it IS unfair that these people who done us wrong 'seem' to still go about life completely unscathed and we suffer from it. sure, maybe they are suffering in their own way, but we don't actually 'see' it and have nothing tangible. i guess that's one reason why getting revenge would be so sweet since we'd have something we could actually recognize as them getting what they deserve, and we are the cause of their pain. yeah, taking the high road is supposed to make you a better person and not stoop down to their level, and by hurting them, you are telling them that their action of hurting you was an OK thing to do since you are doing it back to them...(so my counsellor said yesterday). for me, i don't believe it 'what goes around comes around'. i think it's a nice theory and makes you feel better when someone's done you wrong, but in the end, sh*t happens to people and i don't believe it's necessarily karma biting them on the butt. are these things painful/hurtful things that are happening to us karma for something we've done? the idea of 'what goes around comes around' for me, would only work if i was the one giving the 'come around' and then i would know that whatever happened to them was a direct result of what they did to me, and they'd know it. I don't exempt myself from karmic effects. There was a part of me that entertained the thought that the reason why the whole thing between me and Lawrence ended so badly is because I treated an ex-bf just as poorly. But that's just me, though. I guess I'm saying that when I say it about someone else, I'm all for karma being a treatment towards me as well. So... I'm going through a tough time now. I know I'll have a good time with whatever later. I used to fantasize about revenge on exes more back then than I do now. I think doing so is part of moving on as well, at least for most people. But I stopped when I realized this: that just because they treated us the way they did does not mean they're going to treat others in their life the same way. It's a harsh, bitter truth but... if I'm to go the martyr way, then I guess it's good that no one else is going to hurt because of what Lawrence did to me. But I'm no martyr. I still say they don't know parts of him that I know about. There's satisfaction in it... but there's also much pain. My support is based on what I tell them, which is significant but at the same time... they can just as well think I'm exaggerating because of how much I hurt back then. I wish they could see what happened. This is where I stand right now: how do I move on from this pain. So far... so good.
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