Taken for a ride . . .

[quankanne]

MM will be 75 and, hopefully, alone in a resthome or eating dinner alone before the tv.

 

and someone has just swiped his dentures for the zillionth time

[Adunaphel]

Spinning Head,

stories such as yours are truly scary, as your situation, as you described it, sounded like one of the best scenarios an OW could be in (even if "best scenario" and "OW" do not sit well in the same sentence).

I feel for you. It was great that you called his W and that both of you got a clearer picture. I hope you can manage to stay strong and move on!!

[Spinning Head]

I actually made it through yesterday without crying once. I kept myself so busy with work and my children and I tried not to think about MM. That is not the case this morning. I keep thinking about MM - how could he do this to W and me? How he will never feel the hurt and pain that W and I are feeling. How he created this situation and does nothing to rectify it except cut me off and lie to his W. And, I am sure W buys into each and every lie he tells her so that he continues on his merry way. How he is probably spending the day with his family, enjoying life, having a great day, not feeling any consequences to what he did to me or anyone else.

 

I get stuck replaying things that happened when we were together - how he met my children several times, how my children really responded to him, how he toted my son around, MM even drove my car a few times and I drove his vehicle, how we looked at each other's yearbooks and compared high school activities, he went with me to the doctor's office when my children were sick, the days we spent together NOT having sex but just enjoying each other's company, we would talk 3 hours on the phone several times a week, etc. We saw each other several times a week. All the complaints about his marriage and family and kids - which I now assume were untrue.

 

I cannot believe the double life that MM led. I want to call his W again and ask more questions about their M but that is not my place to do so. I told her that I would not bother her.

[jj33]

I am so sorry you are going through so much pain. You are right. Calling W is not the right thing to do. She is not your comrade in this. She has decided to try to work on her marriage (or so it seems) so a call from you is unlikely to be welcome. Her capacity for forgiveness and her patience are tried enough being married to this person.

 

You know all you need to know. Sadly you got taken in by someone who is not an honest man. The good news is that whatever his problems, they are no longer yours. As hard as it is to believe that he was so dishonest, you are now free to pick up the pieces and move forward and find an honest man to share your life with.

 

It will take time to put this behind you. But you will.

 

Take good care

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I actually made it through yesterday without crying once. I kept myself so busy with work and my children and I tried not to think about MM. That is not the case this morning. I keep thinking about MM - how could he do this to W and me? How he will never feel the hurt and pain that W and I are feeling. How he created this situation and does nothing to rectify it except cut me off and lie to his W. And, I am sure W buys into each and every lie he tells her so that he continues on his merry way. How he is probably spending the day with his family, enjoying life, having a great day, not feeling any consequences to what he did to me or anyone else.

 

I get stuck replaying things that happened when we were together - how he met my children several times, how my children really responded to him, how he toted my son around, MM even drove my car a few times and I drove his vehicle, how we looked at each other's yearbooks and compared high school activities, he went with me to the doctor's office when my children were sick, the days we spent together NOT having sex but just enjoying each other's company, we would talk 3 hours on the phone several times a week, etc. We saw each other several times a week. All the complaints about his marriage and family and kids - which I now assume were untrue.

 

I cannot believe the double life that MM led. I want to call his W again and ask more questions about their M but that is not my place to do so. I told her that I would not bother her.

 

 

Hey Im not surprised you feel this way - what you have been through recently is a very big deal.

 

This man is absolutely unbelievable - he did this to you & wife cos he is bad news. Ok so he may have no conscience or guilt & appear to be happy & carrying on as normal but trust me Karma will bite him in the ass one day! What he has put you & W through is dispicable.

 

But I agree with JJ on this one - do not call W again. What more can she tell you? You know he is a grand liar - thats all you NEED to know. Now you know he is a complete ***hole Im sure it will help you move on quicker.

 

I do understand it aint easy trying to make yourself fall out of love with someone though - its not like a switch that can just be turned off unfortunately.

 

Im surprised the W even wants to work on the M with him, if she trusts him again more fool her. But perhaps she would find it hard to leave him despite what hes done due to financial reasons/the kids etc. Some W just dont feel strong enough to leave a cheating H.

 

Try to keep yourself as busy as possible to distract you from this.

 

((((hugs))))

[stillafool]

I'm just curious, is the W going to take his skanky arse back or is she going to kick him out of the house?

[Spinning Head]

I believe W will keep MM. W kept him after MM got another woman pregnant and they've kept that a secret from their sons for over a decade. W was more concerned about her sons' relationship with their dad and the impact a separation would have on their sons. Although, W did state that if her sons knew how her husband/their dad was treating her, the sons would demand that she leave him.

 

I'm stunned by the lies MM told me. Like I posted, I answered every question W asked and she told me what H/MM told her about our R - most of it lies. But, I imagine W believes I am the one telling the lies - not MM.

[NoIDidn't]

Wow. SH your situation is really bad once more details come out.

 

He has a child from a previous A and didn't even tell YOU about it. Most MM tell the (current) OW if they had a previous A. He never intended for you to find out that he was married and he never intended to leave his M.

 

Its the best thing for you to get away from this man and his family. His W sounds resigned to it. Like he has her thinking that if she leaves the boys will be angry with HER. And they will be when they find out that she kept a half-sibling secret for him - presumably to protect him. What a shame!

 

You don't need this. One can't easily say you deserve any of this. This man is a first class liar. He lied to you with finesse. He knew what he was doing too. He told you he was leaving. He told her they would grow old together. And they probably will because what he told her was intended to make her fight for the growing old together dreams. Dreams from their wedding day. He's good. And that is so bad for you and for her.

 

You'll cry more and that's okay. Nothing wrong with crying after someone has been so horrible towards you. Calling him scum is a compliment.

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. At least you don't work with him, I assume since you didn't know he was married initially.

 

You'll get through this and emerge stronger.

 

((SH))

[Spinning Head]

Fortunately, the likelihood of MM and I running into each other is very slim. We work in different professions and live an hour away from each other.

 

As I stated in my previous posts, I keep running things through my head that took place between us. You know MM even went with me to purchase items for my son's birthday - including his presents?? MM and I each own our own business. MM talked about our future together and getting married. MM looked for rental spaces for my business in his area, I called people in the area to get a feel for the market, MM suggested areas we could live, MM suggested a school for my kids, etc. MM constantly asked me when I was going to put my house on the market, how much I would ask for it, suggested improvements to my house to make it more marketable, etc. He even ran errands for me at times.

 

I use to comment to MM how great his memory was - how he could recall the details of our conversations. I guess he has honed that memory over time to keep up the charades in his life.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

 

I use to comment to MM how great his memory was - how he could recall the details of our conversations. I guess he has honed that memory over time to keep up the charades in his life.[/quote]

 

 

Well they say liars usually have good memories...in that case this MM must have had a PHOTOGRAPHIC memory!!!

[OpenBook]

I'm kinda surprised nobody has brought this up so far... but why are you so sure the W isn't lying to YOU about what happened? She certainly doesn't have any obligation to you - in fact you are her enemy. And it is a very effective strategy to keep one's enemies off-balance. You loomed as a threat to her M. She's been through this before. God knows what really went down between them while he was stringing you along about separating. Apparently her goal is to stay M at all costs, and with that in mind, she will tell you (AND her H) whatever she needs to in order for you to go away and leave her H alone.

 

I definitely feel more sorry for the W than I do for you. First of all, she's stuck with HIM! And she's obviously a sick, sick woman to allow herself to be treated this way, over and over again. You, on the other hand, can put it all behind you and start fresh (hopefully with some valuable lessons learned from it!!).

[Spinning Head]

I never thought about W lying to me during our conversation. Maybe she did lie to me. I did not tell W that I wanted her M to end. In fact, when I found out MM was married, I told him he needed to work on his M, get counseling, etc. MM and I had planned a trip together in a few weeks and I told him to take his W on the trip as a way to reconnect and work on his M, instead of taking me. But, MM told me he did not want to work on his M, that he did not love his W anymore, that he always did what others wanted him to do and did not do what he wanted to do and that a future with me was what he wanted, etc. etc. etc.

[OpenBook]

I never thought about W lying to me during our conversation. Maybe she did lie to me. I did not tell W that I wanted her M to end. In fact, when I found out MM was married, I told him he needed to work on his M, get counseling, etc. MM and I had planned a trip together in a few weeks and I told him to take his W on the trip as a way to reconnect and work on his M, instead of taking me. But, MM told me he did not want to work on his M, that he did not love his W anymore, that he always did what others wanted him to do and did not do what he wanted to do and that a future with me was what he wanted, etc. etc. etc.

 

They're both completely nuts, if you ask me. You would be wise to remove yourself from their sick sick situation... as far far away from it as you possibly can! Sheesh what a train wreck.

[GreenEyedLady]

Ok, according to your previous thread YOU were a MW who had an A with this man who you thought was single.

 

I am really missing why it is so horrible that he lied to you about being married when you in fact were married in the beginning and didn't separate until 8 months into the R. You have a problem being with a married person but you have no problem starting an A.

 

Am I the only one who just finds this slightly hypocritical?

[Spinning Head]

Yes, I was M when the A began. Obviously, there were issues in my M when the A began. My H and I had discussed separating for two years. We were both miserable in the M. I think the A was the catalyst that led to the actual physical separation. My H and I made the decision to separate a few months after the A began. It took several months for the separation to occur due to finding a place to live, school and family obligations, etc.

 

I would have NEVER thought that I would have had an A. Never ever. For what it's worth, I was upfront with MM that I was M. I never lied to him about my marital status or anything else in my life.

 

I've spent a great deal of time trying to figure out why I made the choice that I made. When I look back at that time in my life, I know that I felt very worn out and beaten down by life. I had spent the past several years operating a business, raising two children, making all family decisions as my H had completely withdrawn from the M, being the breadwinner, handling and resolving problems that took place in my H's family, etc - really, nothing different than most women handle every day of their lives. I think another factor was that turning forty was looming ahead and I have had a really difficult time coping with that fact. At times I think I was (and still am) going through a midlife crisis and having the A was a coping mechanism. I read a book about women and having a midlife crisis - there are several ways to cope with a MLC, one of which is to have an A. Believe me, I wish I had been one to choose gardening or painting.

 

Am I a hypocrite? It is always difficult to turn a mirror on oneself. Maybe I am. I do know that I never filled MM's head with thoughts of a future like he filled my head. Things really changed in the A once the fact he was married was revealed. In hindsight, I guess MM did not want to lose me and used the idea of a future together as a way to keep me in his life longer? I don't know. Although many will disagree, I don't think I deserved to be treated in the manner he treated me.

 

What I do know is that I am my own worst critic. I beat myself up every minute of every day for the choice that I made in having this A and allowing MM to enter my life and my head and my heart. The scars, pain, humiliation, hurt and distrust of others that are the end result of this A will be with me forever and have changed me forever.

[manugeorge]

Don't beat yourself up so harsly. Take personal responsibility sure, but don't keep flogging yourself. You were conned by a sociopath. Research that term, "Sociopath" and I'm sure you'll find that your MM does have many of those characteristics.

 

I once dated a sociopath too and from reading your posts, I can definitely relate. The man I dated later admitted to me that he was indeed a sociopath. They are dangerous people to know, and they can work ANYBODY over.

[Ariadne]

MM and W ate meatloaf on tv trays in front of the tv that night. MM sent several texts to me of how he told his W, W's reaction...MM texted me all weekend of his desire for a future with me and how much he loved me...MM told W how much he loved her and wanted W in his life.

 

Hey Spinning,

 

Have you talked to the guy?

 

Why do you believe the wife?

 

It sounds like the eating meatloaf in front of the TV is a bunch of BS.

 

And guys don't lie so much to declare love to two women in the same day.

 

I say the W made all that up to keep him, and throw you for a loop.

 

I say talk to him.

 

If the wife hired a PI she is probably not dumb, and of course she knew just what to say to you to break your heart.

 

Yeah, maybe the guy is having doubts, who wouldn't, is a big decision.

 

Good luck.

[Owl]

He could have lied...his wife could have lied...

 

The real question is...why in the HECK would you want to go back into that whole crazy situation at all anyway??????

 

Don't talk with his wife...don't talk with him...wrap yourself up in some dignity and walk the heck away from the whole awful mess.

 

 

Just get OUT of this...

 

He's scum...his wife either believes him and supports him, or not...that doesn't matter one little bit in the outcome of your own life. It doesn't matter if she lied, or if he lied...all that matters is that this situation isn't going to improve, and you're going to remain in emotional heck until you get out of it.

 

Run, do not walk, RUN to the nearest exit.

[Ariadne]

Oh yeah,

 

And the wife hires a PI (she is probably obsessed with this situation already).

 

And on Wed, the night he broke the news (probably a huge fight) she claims that they were eating meatloaf.

 

And then: MM and W drove around for an hour and talked of growing old together.

 

Sure buddy... Who is going to buy that.

 

They must be in some bit of hell right now.

 

I say you were taken by a ride by the wife, Spinning Head.

[manugeorge]

Hey Spinning,

 

Have you talked to the guy?

 

Why do you believe the wife?

 

It sounds like the eating meatloaf in front of the TV is a bunch of BS.

 

And guys don't lie so much to declare love to two women in the same day.

 

I say the W made all that up to keep him, and throw you for a loop.

 

I say talk to him.

 

If the wife hired a PI she is probably not dumb, and of course she knew just what to say to you to break your heart.

 

Yeah, maybe the guy is having doubts, who wouldn't, is a big decision.

 

Good luck.

 

Oh really? you sure about that?

[Ariadne]

Oh really? you sure about that?

 

Guys are not so hypocrite.

 

They may lie about where they have been and practical things like that.

[herenow]

Oh yeah,

 

And the wife hires a PI (she is probably obsessed with this situation already).

 

And on Wed, the night he broke the news (probably a huge fight) she claims that they were eating meatloaf.

 

And then: MM and W drove around for an hour and talked of growing old together.

 

Sure buddy... Who is going to buy that.

 

They must be in some bit of hell right now.

 

I say you were taken by a ride by the wife, Spinning Head.

 

 

Sounds like the BW in this case knows her H has a problem and has accepted him as is. The fact that they had dinner the night he told her isn't unreasonable considering that the news wasn't a surprise. The MM probably knows that his wife isn't going leave, so there is no threat of consequence. In this situation I don't find it surprising that they had a talk about the future.

 

I bet if that BW packed his bags and served him with divorce papers, he would be singing a very different tune. Probably on his knees. The BW has chosen to allow her H to do what ever he wants. For some reason, she is OK with it and that's her choice. As sick as it is, sounds like that marriage is stable.

[herenow]

Guys are not so hypocrite.

 

They may lie about where they have been and practical things like that.

 

I hate to break it to you, but some people will say anything to get what they want. Is there anything more hypocritical then having sex with an OW and then going home and sleeping with your wife?

[Ariadne]

divorce papers, he would be singing a very different tune. Probably on his knees... sounds like that marriage is stable.

 

That's what all the BS want to believe.

 

On his knees... He had already had serious plans about dumping her for good.

 

That marriage is not stable, that marriage is crap, and the wife is putting up with anything as long as she can keep him.

[Ariadne]

I hate to break it to you, but some people will say anything to get what they want. Is there anything more hypocritical then having sex with an OW and then going home and sleeping with your wife?

 

Most of the time, when the guys are having an affair, they won't touch the wife.