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Posted

So, yesterday, I informed my boyfriend of a very important decision I'd been thinking a lot about and that is my decision not to have kids. I'm 33 and feel like even if I did decide to have them, I'd wait till much later like another 10 years because they require full attention and right now I want to focus on my career aspirations, but the main thing is that being bipolar is a big factor in this, and while I'm sure there are bipolar people who do just fine having kids, I'm just not sure I'm cut out for it, it's hard enough with just dealing with everyday life. Now, I can be an indecisive person, going back and forth on minor things, so, understandably, my boyfriend felt that maybe I was being impulsive and that maybe I'd change my mind today, because he really wants kids. But this is something I've thought about for awhile from just about every conceivable angle, and I'm pretty sure about it. The problem is, my boyfriend, for a split second, made me second-guess my decision, because he thought I was being impulsive in saying this, and even threw in the fact that since I'm adopted, it doesn't make sense that I'd not want to start my own bloodline, so that I can finally have someone I'm legitimately related to, and yes, I'd thought about that with a twinge of regret, but not enough to sway me the other way. I know this may sound like a weird question, but is there anyone who'd initially decided against kids and changed their mind, and more importantly, would you find it insulting if someone used the above reasoning to try to persuade you to change your mind? Sorry for the long post, just got some heavy-duty stuff on my mind. Thanks for reading.

Posted

I think if you have children and you and your spouse simply decide not to have anymore; having your tubes tied or a vasectomy is perfectly acceptable. (my ex and I opted for the vasectomy because it's cheaper and easier).

 

However I wouldn’t advise you to take any permanent action to prevent children at this time. You may or may not change your mind tomorrow next month or in ten years but at least you would have the option.

 

This is something you and your bf do need to be in agreement on particularly before marriage. My wife and her ex made this decision when they where in their late 20’s and after a long marriage he left her for a younger woman so they could raise a family. I know; he’s a real dirt bag.

 

I don’t know what your religious affiliations or beliefs are but that is also something to consider. I personally don’t think it’s any of their business but that’s my personal opinion but if that’s not your opinion don’t forget to consider it.

 

How long have you and your bf been together?

I’m assuming it’s been long enough if your talking about family, or not.

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Posted

Well, we've been together for nearly 3 years. Anyway, he said maybe in 5 years he'd be ready, because he's been busy hanging with his friends, playing video games and acting like a frat boy, even though he's 28. It's probably best we don't procreate together anyway, this is all so sad and it sucks.

Posted

As long as you have your bi-polar under control I would not think that should make a difference raising children of course I’m not an MD or a psychiatrist, (former family councilor). If you’re taking meds you will want to check to see if it’s safe to continue with whatever you’re taking while you’re carrying a baby or nursing, (if you decide to nurse). You would want to check to see what effect any possible changes in your hormones due to pregnancy might have on your condition also.

 

Raising children is probably the hardest, most stressful thing I’ve ever done and I wouldn’t want to do it again but it was also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done and wouldn’t have missed it for anything. I heard a movie line that went something like; “imagine the worst and you have days you will wish it was that good” lol. My children are adults and I find myself missing those days when they where growing up. Again, I personally wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

 

I have seen single parents who have done an absolutely, unbelievable job raising children, but their a minority. I’ve seen quite a few two parent families that should have never had children, (I mean terrible parenting skills not the average; “made their share of mistakes”, parents), but their also a minority. My point is; I would never want to attempt it on my own, personally. I believe that raising a family should at the very least begin with a strong commitment by two parents. That’s just my personal opinion. There were two of us and it was rough, I have nothing but respect and admiration for any, good, single parent.

 

I just want to mention again what I did in my previous posting; I would strongly suggest you don’t considered having anything done that would permanently keep you from having children. Don’t remove your options; you may change your mind. I think if you have children and you decide you don’t want anymore that’s different.

 

I know I gave you a lot of what seemed to be contradictory views of raising children based on my personal experience but I hope you got from that; it’s tough, it’s supposed to be if your even coming close to doing it right, but at least for me it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Good luck to you no matter what you choose

 

By the way; I’m a much better grandfather than I was a father because a grandfather is just a father with experience lol.

Posted

I am going through the same thing. I have been married for eight years and I am 26. When I first got married I thought I wanted kids, or at least it seemed like the thing to do. My H and I talked about having kids even and picked out names.

 

For the past two years or so I have been thinking about it and I decided that as of right now I don't see myself ever having kids. It's not that I don't like kids, it's just that I like my life the way it is.

 

I told my H this a few weeks ago and I asked him if he was a deal breaker to which he said no. But that was shortly followed up by: "But I think in a few years, you'll change your mind."

 

This has been bothering me for a few weeks, that and when ever we go out he gushes over all the babies/toddlers we run into.

 

So just last week I sat him down and told him, again, that I don't think I ever want kids and he needs to think about that. That if he stays with me and I still don't want kids in 10 years that is something he needs to condsider.

 

He said he understood...

 

You really shouldn't have kids if you are not ready and no one should FORCE you or make you feel GUILTY about a descision you made for YOURSELF. You are the one who has to live with it.

 

I have had aweful role models for parents in my life and it has made me see what kind of parent I would want to be, things I wouldn't want to do. And who knows, I may change my mind, but for right now I know 100% I don't want kids.

Posted

It's not a problem, really, if/when external influences cause you a moment of self-doubt. As long as you are sure about your decision, anyone else trying to tell you differently won't phase you for very long.

 

I wouldn't be "insulted" by that kind of illogical "logic". The weirdest thing I heard was from my dear sweet aunt, who loves me very much. It went something like, if I don't have kids, people will think my husband is gay! :rolleyes:. I wasn't insulted at all. Other people's idiotic beliefs are just their idiotic beliefs.

 

I was around 18 when I decided not to have kids. Everyone laughed and said I'd change my mind. I'm close enough to 50...and I don't have kids. Now they say I'm going to regret it when I'm 80 and don't have anyone to drive me to the doctor's :rolleyes:. (I guess taxi cabs are going to be outlawed or something.) I still don't feel insulted...and they still are suffering from having idiotic beliefs :laugh:.

 

The thing I did make clear with my husband, from the moment he started having "serious feelings" for me..."Do not fall in love with me if you want kids. Go and find someone else to marry and who will have your kids. Do not expect me to change my mind, because I am not going to."

Posted

When I mentioned in a previous post; “my wife and her ex made the decision when they where in their late 20’s not to have children and after a long marriage he left her for a younger woman so they could raise a family”, despite that outcome she has NEVER regretted not having children. I hope I didn’t give you the impression that I thought you should have children anyway.

Posted
I was around 18 when I decided not to have kids. Everyone laughed and said I'd change my mind. I'm close enough to 50...and I don't have kids. Now they say I'm going to regret it when I'm 80 and don't have anyone to drive me to the doctor's :rolleyes:. (I guess taxi cabs are going to be outlawed or something.)

 

The thing I did make clear with my husband, from the moment he started having "serious feelings" for me..."Do not fall in love with me if you want kids. Go and find someone else to marry and who will have your kids. Do not expect me to change my mind, because I am not going to."

 

While I enjoyed this perspective and find it interesting that she was so solid in her determination, I don't think it's as cut-and-dried for everyone.

 

Whatever you feel now about having children may change in the future. I'm your age and I don't see myself having kids either. But that's where I'm at now. My perspective could change depending upon where life takes me. I'm keeping my options open, and I encourage you to do the same. There's really no need to have it affect you so deeply if you don't take any irrevocable actions. Just use birth control. :)

Posted
I'm keeping my options open' date=' and I encourage you to do the same.[/quote']

That's definitely the best approach to take on such an important matter.

Definitely, I could have changed my mind somewhere between 18 and...35 or whatever age. And OP herself is saying that she may very well do that in the next 10 years or so -- that she isn't 100% sure right now, but mostly leaning towards not having kids at this stage of her life.

 

To me, the important thing is about being clear with potential husbands...to let them know what are their realistic chances of becoming a father because, obviously, that is a major life decision/desire for guys, too. And OP's b/f has already expressed that he "really wants" kids.

 

How I'd see it, with OP, he as a 50/50 chance of becoming a dad (as things stand right now, though of course circumstances could change at any time.) But with a woman who already knows that she's going to have kids some day, naturally his chances are much improved of having his own life desire to become a parent fulfilled.

It's difficult on the undecided woman, I mean. Cos it possibly could come down to her making a self-decision, which she has EVERY right to make, but that will also have HUGE impact on the course of someone else's life. (Not sure if that makes sense?)

 

In my own case, future-hubby was quite happy to adopt, which had always been my plan. But our ages when we got married meant we only 'qualified' for a teen. And neither of us wanted that. He never expressed resentment or regret to me. But that doesn't mean he doesn't have any...maybe he does, and maybe he doesn't <-- even about that, I don't mind keeping options open :)

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Posted

Ok, here's another element that I must discuss as part of my decision-making process. I haven't talked about it before partly because it's weird and I feel somewhat embarrased talking about it. Anyway, here goes. Even if I wasn't unsure about whether I wanted kids, I most likely wouldn't want them with him based on his life philosophy. Among these are him being a 9/11 Truther and holding the staunch belief that there are deep-layered conspracies going on in the US governnment. He's against the current capitalist, corporate power struture to such a degre that he feels that true happiness lies only in avoding, as much as possible, being involved in it, which involves, amongst other things, constantly ranting about Dick Cheney, and drinking away his anger at the system, innstead of trying to do something useful about it. He's always looking for stuff to this effect. Since I don't agree with this philosophy, he says I don't live in reality. Whew, it seems so weird having wseen what I've written. Anyway, that's to give a fuller story about this person, and also to vent. Thanks for reading.

Posted

You are very wise to give consideration to the type of environment, belief systems, etc., into which you will bring your child. There is so much of it (distorted and misguided views/ideas) that parents can NOT control, you may as well choose carefully those things over which you do have a say..at the time that you still have the say. To me, that is just responsible "pre-parenting".

 

And the fact that your b/f feels entitled to judge you (and others, I assume) as "not living in reality" just because your beliefs are not the same as his...yes, it likely is a good indicator that he'll do the same to his children.

And probably not just about major topics. For example, if he sees his son as a footballer, but son is more into table tennis; or daughter wants to be an astronaut but he thinks her brilliant mind is more suited for law.

 

For me, it's not only about the specifics of your b/f's beliefs but, maybe even more importantly, also about his attitude that HIS view of life is the only "true reality" that exists. I wouldn't wish MY kids be brought up in such a narrow-minded, closed off, unaccepting, intolerant-of-differences environment, either.

So, I wouldn't choose such a father for them, that's for sure. Cos that would mean resigning myself to have to continously fight and struggle with the father of my kids, to protect them! (Who needs it?)

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