for all those that live in hope................

[sacg]

Its been about 8 weeks since i posted my break up on here and a lot has happened since. Here's my orginal story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t157510/

 

I was one of those that was in denial, i thought she loved me and we had something so special, but we hit a rocky road, and everything went ****. I still thought i could naivly be back with her, i thought she would "come to her senses"..

 

So what did i do, i did what i shouldnt have. I remained in touch with her, i cried and begged her, i said id be here for her, but worst of all, i put my life on hold to wait for her. I aske her on numerous accoasions to let me know if there was someone esle, as it would make me stop chasing and give up all hope, she responded honestly that she hadnt.

 

Then i find out 3 days ago, she is with someone else, has slept with them and saw him prior to leaving me, although she insists nothing happened, like that makes a difference!! In fact, she almost admitted that he showed her what she wanted and she left me for that. She says she's cooled things off with him now, ended it actually, as she started to see a side to him she didnt like. But hey, probably more lies. She said she lied to protect me, as she loves me and cares. It hurts like hell, and although i feel kinda numb, and probably in a better state of mind than i was 8 weeks ago, it still hurts like hell.

 

when we talked about this recent discovery, she was very upset. probably at being caught out to be a liar. She said she messed it all up now and id hate her and be happy, and she probably regret it. Thing is, i cant hate her, i want to, but i just cant. I still love her. How come i cant see this and her for what it really is?

 

So my advice is, definaltey go NC. If not only to allow you to move on, but to prevent you from possibly finding out something you would not have discovered should you have walked away. If they decide to leave, as hard as it is, and belive me, im still struggling to not contact her, EVEN NOW, let them go.

 

The pain i am going through all over again is my fault, my fault for not letting her go, for holding onto that hope that she would return.

[Angel1111]

Well, first of all, I'm so sorry you're in this kind of pain. There's nothing that can compare to it because it seems to reach into every fiber of our being.

 

I'm not really sure why you think you should hate her. She really didn't do anything other than become attracted to someone else, wonder where it might lead, and wasn't totally forthcoming about all of that. That's all normal behavior because if the same thing happened with you, you'd dodge all her questions and lie, lie, lie. Mostly to protect yourself but also to protect her feelings. That's no different than what she's doing now. It's really sad when someone we love becomes attracted to someone else but it does happen. I don't believe she did do anything while she was with you out of respect for you. But the attraction apparently meant something because she decided it was worth risking your relationship with her in order to find out what it might mean. That's a tough thing to face, I know, but at least she didn't fully deceive and disrespect you by cheating. That says something.

 

And, yes, if the two of you got back together, your anger would surface and it would come out in your behavior. Right now you can't let yourself get angry because you're still trying to get her back. But I believe it would be different one that issue was out of the way and you had time to think about the fact that she as with someone else, she hurt you, etc. Not to say that it wouldn't work out eventually but you would go through a gambit of emotions for a long time.

 

I'm not a fan of NC at all. If you had done it, you wouldn't have found out the truth and would've spent the next 12 mos thinking she loved you and waiting to hear from her. Or you would've been writing on this board about how much you want to contact her, to convince her to come back, and all that. You definitely wouldn't have had any answers. It does sound like she cares about you but I also think there was something missing in the relationship. So it might not have been solely the other guy that caused her to walk away, it might have been other things.

 

The problem is, you cannot force a relationship to work. I'm sure you had some great things together but you can't keep ignoring that something was also wrong. I actually think it was good that you told her how you feel and that you begged her to come back. It showed her how much you love her. I still think it's possible that she may re-think this whole thing and possible reconsider her relationship with you. I don't know all the particulars on it so I can't say for sure. But you never know.

 

The hard part for you now is to go through your days knowing that it could turn in your favor. Hope gives us the energy to keep going. I can't tell you how many times I thought a relationship was over, only for it to come back full force again. But you just have to understand that if the two of you get back together again, the very same issues are going to come up again. If they're not addressed and dealt with, you'll end up right back here again. So sometimes it may seem that getting back together is the best thing, but sometimes it's just a way of repeating a situation in order for us to fully understand that it's just not going to work no matter what we do. But in these kinds of circumstances, I try to let things happen as they will. I'm not one to give up hope easily and you're probably not either.

 

I'm sure your words had a big impact on her. Leave her alone for awhile and see what happens. No one ever walks away from a relationship without considering the possibility of going back. Women like to know that they are loved and I think you made that clear. But you don't want to be overly clingy so now it's time for you to step back and let things happen as they will.

[sacg]

 

I'm not really sure why you think you should hate her. She really didn't do anything other than become attracted to someone else, wonder where it might lead, and wasn't totally forthcoming about all of that. That's all normal behavior because if the same thing happened with you, you'd dodge all her questions and lie, lie, lie. Mostly to protect yourself but also to protect her feelings. That's no different than what she's doing now. It's really sad when someone we love becomes attracted to someone else but it does happen. I don't believe she did do anything while she was with you out of respect for you. But the attraction apparently meant something because she decided it was worth risking your relationship with her in order to find out what it might mean. That's a tough thing to face, I know, but at least she didn't fully deceive and disrespect you by cheating. That says something.

 

Didnt she though? I only want to hate her for my own healing benefit i guess. I dont want to think fondly now i know what she's capable of, i want to hate her and not be bothered or hurt anymore. I dont want the thoughts that fly through my head all day torturing me being there. Dislike or hatred would diminish that.

 

 

I'm not a fan of NC at all. If you had done it, you wouldn't have found out the truth and would've spent the next 12 mos thinking she loved you and waiting to hear from her. Or you would've been writing on this board about how much you want to contact her, to convince her to come back, and all that. You definitely wouldn't have had any answers. It does sound like she cares about you but I also think there was something missing in the relationship. So it might not have been solely the other guy that caused her to walk away, it might have been other things.

 

There were RS issues, and many down to me. I do take blame in this, but i just never saw her ever loving another, i couldnt, and i went through similar issues with her, but never did i think of seeing someone else, or even tempted to look. i guess im just in denial again, as its obvious these things happen, like most people, i just didnt think i would really lose her, and especially not to another man.

 

I'm sure your words had a big impact on her. Leave her alone for awhile and see what happens. No one ever walks away from a relationship without considering the possibility of going back. Women like to know that they are loved and I think you made that clear. But you don't want to be overly clingy so now it's time for you to step back and let things happen as they will.

 

I have no choice, and I hope i can be strong enough to do this. its been a hrd and sad 8 weeks, i hope it doesnt start again from here. I dont think anyone can really give up hope that easy. I thought finding this out would kill it in me, make me think, sod it im off, i dont want anyhting to do with her, but sadly i dont. i still love her very much, and i think i always will.

 

 

Thanks for your kind words Angel, you write a lot of sense.

[sacg]

guys, i need some help and perspective. I feel absoloutley awful, very angry and not well at all. Well she's decided to give it a go with this bloke. Theyre going to start a realtioship, as i said above, she lied again. how could she, how could she just leave after 7 years and get into another mans bed withing weeks. i know he was probably there before, but why didnt she try harder when she got her confidence back. i just feel she got better and ****ed off. left me for the first temptation that came along. He even threatened me, albeit behind an anonymous call. After all we had. i am so angry about it you wouldnt imagine.

 

we havent spoken in 4 days, but this is ripping me up. I want to call her, dont know why, to have a go, to say i still love her, i really dont know.

 

All i do is sit here and think how happy they both are developing their new love and it rips me apart, im sat here in total shock. 2 months ago she was in my bed, now shes with him, happy as larry, like i dont exist anymore. its not like she's even a kid, maybe she is!

 

i hope one day he lets her down or she shes it as **** and she comes crawling back, so i can have the strength hopefully to tell her where to go. I feel ****, i feel so low and rejected. i feel like theres no such thing as being in love, thats what i thought we had until 2 months ago.

 

OIts a nightmare, I never imagined it in my wildest dreams.

[HopeDiesLast]

Wow....do i understand. I have nothing more to share except....me too, sacg. me too. and i dont wish this on anyone, not my worst enemy.

the only thing helping me is repeating "Have faith life is happening as its supposed to."

When theres nothing else...thats what i say to myself. and cry....and i got a therapist.

But, dear God, do i know what you feel. I'm so sorry.

[sultry33]

hi sacg,

i totally know how you feel i found out last week too that he likes someone..im wondering if they was together all along..

 

i just take it one day at a time as it really hrts when the one you love, who says they love you.. gives you hope..

only to

 

find another:sick:

 

im not angry im sad and numb...

 

i told him goodbye an goodluck as i dont want to hear about her or see him anymore.. id just see her

 

he is not the guy i love anymore he is now my past.

 

dont call, she knows how you feel... let it be

 

hugs to you... we will get through this.. i tell myself this everyday:)

[BCCA]

I'm sorry to hear that man. I think we've all been there before. Obviously, she's not the right one. If you never hear from her again, consider yourself lucky. She's not worth anymore of your time. You'll be ok, it just takes some time.

[0hpenelope]

we havent spoken in 4 days, but this is ripping me up. I want to call her, dont know why, to have a go, to say i still love her, i really dont know.

 

We can wonder all we want about our exes, but no answer will satisfy.

 

I'm sorry. Being in this phase of grieving is not the place I want to be at ever again..

 

One day at a time, ok?

[sacg]

Guys, i think im becoming obsessed. Define obsessed for me. Im 39, so no youngster as such, but Im all over the place with this. I feel like im going mad. I hate her one minute and regret it the next. How could she do this to me? how can you shack up with someone so quick? how can you stay with someone and not love them? How can you move out 2 months ago and have no feelings at all that you get with another, and carry on happy as anything and dont even consider your ex? Im blubbing like a fool here, and i know deep down she doesnt deserve my tears, but I am gutted. I have lost the only person in my life I loved, and she loves another. She is so differnt now, she doesnt even want to know me, thats it, over, gone, doesnt matter anymore.

[HopeDiesLast]

Sacg- i understand you feel like you should be locked in a padded room. and you probably wish you had these answers from her. The truth of the matter is what Ohpenelope said- no answer is gonna satisfy you.

How could she do this? who knows- when feelings change, its different. I'll never understand it because i have never been a dumper. But i can understand from an old flame i became obsessed with- hooking up casually with for 2 yrs after the break. and one day after some time not getting together, we hooked up....and i felt nothing. thats the only time i can say my feelings just disappeared inexplicably.

I'm not sure how she shacked up with someone so quick. not sure how my ex began dating so soon- a month after our split. but i did read in the book "Its Called a Break Up Because Its Broken" that generally while we are completely devestated and trying to cope with the break up, the ex was checked out before it even happened. They gave the example of finding a new job- you're over the job before you put your 2 weeks in.

The reason she can feel happy and carry on not thinking of you is because shes thinking of HERSELF. she didnt want out because YOU werent happy. She wanted out because SHE wasnt happy. and shes cold and distant and not the person you knew because shes not focused on you anymore, as she was when you were together. She DOES think of you Sacg. She probably misses you very much. My ex told me that. and then added "...but that doesnt mean i want to get back together."

See- i can give you answers to questions that I've asked, you've asked, everyone on this forum asks....but it makes no difference. The fact is you're still broken up.

I wish i could say something else to make you really feel better....but i dont know what to say. I'm in the middle of this too. I know he's seeing someone- someone i know and dislike very much and will probably hurt him- and i thought i could tell him to get lost and wash my hands of this. But i cant. God, i love him SO much.

[HopeDiesLast]

Whats worse is the truth in all my hearache- my hope will die last. my hope that a miracle happens and he comes to a realization of the mistake hes made. that i am the one he still wants to marry.

realistacly my chances are minute- but the tiny light in my heart for him will probably never go away.

[sacg]

Im sat here watching the damn clock, thinking what they are doing, where they are. **** me man, i think im losing it. im even dreading when i go to bed as Ill think about them making love. how do you stop these thoughts? Am i going mad? is this normal?

 

Why cant i just watch tele, or do something other than think about her or trawl through this board.

 

PS. I shud have moved to coping by now :-(

[northstar1]

Im sat here watching the damn clock, thinking what they are doing, where they are. **** me man, i think im losing it. im even dreading when i go to bed as Ill think about them making love. how do you stop these thoughts? Am i going mad? is this normal?

 

Why cant i just watch tele, or do something other than think about her or trawl through this board.

 

PS. I shud have moved to coping by now :-(

 

totally normal , i think we've all been there. best thing to do is to keep busy as hell, even if you dont' wanna go out, do it. go out with friends, even if you're not in a good mood - just getting out will reduce SOME of the time you spend thinking about them.

 

have you thought about joining a gym/sports club/running? take some of that nervous energy and burn it off productively?

[Red_Apple]

You're the perfect boyfriend! You have unconditional love for this girl, I can't believe it. She messed up royally and still you have unquavering love! Moreover, you don't even judge her! I am amazed at how ... I don't even have the word for it. I hope you find the suitable girl for you.

 

You probably hear this all the time on posts, but, you will eventually feel the same way for somebody else, who DOES love you back!

[0hpenelope]

totally normal , i think we've all been there. best thing to do is to keep busy as hell, even if you dont' wanna go out, do it. go out with friends, even if you're not in a good mood - just getting out will reduce SOME of the time you spend thinking about them.

 

have you thought about joining a gym/sports club/running? take some of that nervous energy and burn it off productively?

 

I went swimming today. 300 meters and I'm thinking that that's a really pathetic number.

 

700 sounds good. That's my new goal.

 

sacg, you can't force yourself to do things if you don't feel like it but at the same time, you have to try to. You have to put in some effort to find other activities to counter what you're feeling.

[sacg]

Red apple, thank you :-)

 

Im 39, so grabbing mates is difficult now, but Im still active socialy and love having fun, just not at the mo, that will come back, and I know then i will be attractive again. And i have joined a Gym, and im enjoying it, even though i still think of them when im pumping. But some days i just drop, and more so recently, and go home and drink. i know, its a depressant, but it also escapes you somehow.

 

i dont like this, im a strong person, but this has really knocked me.

[sacg]

I think i maybe still in denial, and Im afraid i wont move forward out of it?

[HopeDiesLast]

Sacg you probably still are. sadly you dont just move from denial to sadness to anger....you kinda go back and forth through all of it. some days are good and some day are like a horrific storm. the bad days you have to just hold on for dear life. i know how it feels to think its not gonna pass. to think you've completely lost it. to love the other unconditionally and not have it reciprocated.

its hard sometimes to keep busy 24 hrs a day. my therapist told me sometimes rather than keep busy by running to a pub or gym or friend's house so you dont drive yourself mad, to just sit there. feel it. get THROUGH the crap. i have yet to do it bc i know its hard. but she also told me the best way out of this nightmare id to cut through all the pain....not go around it.

my behavior has been leaning toward drinking too. you're right- somehow it makes you escape even for a little bit. yes its destructive. yes its a depressant. but i havent musterd the courage to deal.

what everyone says is true- make yourself go out, make yourself go on a date if you (even if its terrible). if you can go out wtih friends or family, coworkers or anyone....then you can meet new people and be distracted by everyone else. maybe even get hit on by someone that will make u feel better.

i forced myself to hang out with a guy- dont feel a damn thing for him. but i keep trying. he serves as a distraction at the moment and makes me feel good. he knows my situation and is well aware....so no guilt on my end for spending time with him when he asks.

[sacg]

Thanks so much HDL, you speak a lot of emotion, and it helps me. The sad ****ty thing of it all is, im that weak at the moment, i cant even stay out with people as I think of her and collapse, go home, pathetic. its ridiculous. If only you knew me, Ex RAF soldier, been through some tough times man, but this has destroyed me.

[me007]

 

So what did i do, i did what i shouldnt have. I remained in touch with her, i cried and begged her, i said id be here for her, but worst of all, i put my life on hold to wait for her. I aske her on numerous accoasions to let me know if there was someone esle, as it would make me stop chasing and give up all hope, she responded honestly that she hadnt.

 

 

 

I hate when they do that...why do they become cowards and they don't have the heart to tell us they are moving on to someone else? They see us suffering and just let us sit there in our pain instead of putting us out of our misery.

 

I know it hurts knowing they can move on so soon...when not too long ago they were promising they'd love you forever. Her new guy is probably just a rebound... and people say those type of relationships don't last long. Hopefully when hers is over you are way beyond this and could care less what happens.

 

Go out for a walk, watch a comedy, do something to relax and let the tension go.

[HopeDiesLast]

i cant get out of this. i cant stop hoping this is a mistake. whats wrong wtih me? why do i think he will realize his mistake? that he panicked maybe.....whats going on wtih me?

ive lost it.

[sacg]

So have i then. how can we hope for them when they choose to leave us for someone esle? Why do we want them to realise its a mistake? I think it may have something to do with we want them to come back tail between there legs, so we can **** them off!

 

I just want to not bother anymore, she isnt, and she doesnt really deserve my thoughts, but i cant stop thinking about him and her, so ****ing happy!

[HopeDiesLast]

part of it is the satisfaction of knowing they caved and came back....but i also just know that maybe if he had some doubts and went out there and saw that theres no one better, he would realize.

i know it sounds pathetic to let him go to see whats out there- he should know. but sometimes its not that black and white. and doubt is understandable.

god this sucks so badly. the waiting to see what life brings you next- someone better? or him back in my life?

i joined yoga to learn to shut my mind off. only seems to work when im actually doing yoga. i feel like i should be medicated in a padded room.

i just wish i knew if he had totally decided against me or if hes still wondering. i dont even think he knows.

[sacg]

.........and thinking that way HDL will keep you in that padded cell forever. I feel stupid advising you when Im in exactly the same boat and Im not listening to myself or others.

[HopeDiesLast]

trust me sacg....i do the same thing. i just know myself and i know that someone needs to come along and get my mind off of him. thats how it usually happens. then again....its never been this hard for me. so i dont know.