4givrnt4gtr Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Im having a bit of a moral dylema within myself. My bf and I had a break during may. During june I asked my bf to not contact me until he was sure he wanted to be with me. After two weeks of no contact I started getting scared he would never call me again. At the same time, one of my best friends (a guy) had also broken up with his girl. He was living in another area but moved back to where I live. We have always been closed and a lot of people thought we had something going on. I had never considered him anything more than a friend, but when all the mess with my boyfriend happened, and my friend started making advanced, i ended up kissing him. (Drunken night...no excuse...but still). A week later my bf called me. We got back together and I told him what had happened with my friend. Since then things with my friend have been difficult. In one hand I dont want to lose the close friendship we had. We still talk from time to time...but i often wonder if that is inappropiate given that I know he is/was attracted to me. I asked my bf id he minded and him not wanting to sound jealous said that he didnt mind as long as I dont lead either one on. Im not sure how to proceed. I care for my friend, we've been best friends for almost 5 years and I hate to think i gotta give him up because of that night. At the same time i want to be fair with my boyfriend and not put him in a position of insecurity....Im not sure what to do. My friend invited me out this coming friday with a few other people. Should I go? Should i tell my bf he is going to be there? I thought about inviting my bf but he asked me to never introduce him to my friend.... please help...im confused as to what to do!
Davey McG Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Reverse the situation and imagine how you would feel. Is it possible that your 'friend' has never had entirely honorable intentions? It is more than likely he has seen you as more than a friend for quite a while. You have to make a decision because its not fair on your boyfriend. At the same time, if you keep this guy around he (and you) could cause more problems for your relationships in the future. If you're considering hiding information from your boyfriend then you are already being inappropriate and he does have a reason to worry.
Angel1111 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 That is a tough one because it's hard to blow off a 5-yr friendship like it was nothing, and I'm not sure that you should. Still, you're going to have to try to balance the two things - your bf and your friend. As far as going out on Friday, I would pass this time around, just because it's too soon for you to start being around him again. You may have to limit the time you spend with your friend. Believe it or not, guys understand this way better than women think they do. You're just not going to be able to socialize with your friend as much because your bf is going to come first, and you have this uncomfortable situation of attraction between you and your friend. Don't forget that your friend knew he was putting your friendship in jeapordy when he made advances toward you - and it was a risk he was willing to take. I have a friendship with a guy friend very similar to this but he's just not someone I'm attracted to at all. A lot of people think we're extremely compatible and there's been gossip about us for years. But the longer I knew him, the less I was attracted to him because he has no control over his life and it has caused me to lose respect for him. There was also that phase of time when he and I were single and unattached at the same time and he let me know that he wanted more from me. It took us awhile to get past that and I'm not sure that we'll ever fully got past it but we're still friends and still talk occasionally. Not as much as we used to but sometimes that's just the way it is. I think it'll have to be the same with you and your friend, especially since your bf doesn't want to meet him.
JoeNewbie Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Best friends don't kiss - and they certainly don't kiss and tell. I'm not sure why you had to tell your BF you had kiss that guy but since you did, you will have to stay away from your friend in order for your relationship with your BF to work out. Friendships that involve attraction are always trouble.
MinusTwo Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Rough situation! On one hand, I would say that your boyfriend will probably be pretty uncomfortable with you hanging out with your friend so soon. How do you feel about your friend? Do you view him as just a friend? When you kissed him, did you do so only because you were drunk? Did your friend only kiss you because he was drunk? I ask because I also have a really good friend of about 10 years, and last year we both got really drunk and made out. But we are so close and such 'friends' that we pretty much laughed it off agreed to never bring it up. Now, I know that I view her as just a friend, and I know that she views me as a just a friend and neither of us would ever want anything more than that. Is this the same with your situation? If/so, then I think it's okay to remain his friend. If one of you has feelings for the other, then maybe not. But do keep your boyfriend in mind. Speaking for myself, I would be pretty insecure about my girlfriend hanging out right away with a guy she had just made out with while we were on a break.
oldguy Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I had a similar life experience; I have had close women friends throughout my life but one in particular, we grew up together, dated off and on throughout our high school years and when we weren’t dating we where together, (hanging out), more than we where apart it seems. Many people, friends and relatives, and ourselves I suppose, thought we would naturally end up together. In fact many people assumed we “must” have slept together, we never did, mostly due to our close friendship, (more on that later). But ultimately we married other people and raised families, (or are still raising families as I’ve discovered that simply isn’t the 18 to 20 year commitment I once thought it was, lol). I married first and after I did me and my life long friend stayed in contact with each other but drifted apart because my wife was intimidated or felt jealous of her or the relationship we had and that seemed to be understandable. After fifteen to twenty years my wife became more comfortable with the fact that I had women friends and she became secure in the knowledge that I could have plutonic friendships with women. Despite the fact that I have been described as a little bit of a flirt at times, that’s just who I am. As my wife became secure with my female friendships, (some where mutual friends, some where not), me and my life long friend began to reestablish our friendship. She is married to a great guy who I get along with very well also and they have raised their children into young adulthood as well. I use to think that after fifteen to twenty years my wife and I just became more secure with one another and who we where. But after about twenty five years she and I divorced due to her infidelity ironically. I have since remarried and my new wife and life long friend have become best of friends. So I think it maybe something else that makes us comfortable, whether that be something the years bestow on us or simply the individual person. I think you have to decide if your relationship with your bf might be worth putting some distance between you and your friend for awhile or forever if necessary. You and your bf need to be honest about what it would mean to your relationship if this friend remained in the picture. If it truly is not a problem than you should have little to worry about, if it is a problem you have to decide what relationship is more important, and why. Relationships choices are just that, choices we call compromises. To possibly complicate matters even more I would think you would really like to know how you truly feel about your friend. Sometimes established friendships do get in the way of relationships. From my own personal story me and my life long lady friend have mused what it would have been like if we had made a life together like everyone thought we would so many years ago. We concluded that we would have fought bitterly, divorced early on and hated each other to this day, therefore things worked out for the best as we remain best of friends. I’m not sure if this is at all helpful as it may not relate to your present circumstance but sometimes it helps to look down the path you may be on threw the eyes of someone who has been there. I know it helps me, I hope it helps you
oldguy Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 P.S. I don’t think kissing another guy after you and your bf had broken up is a big deal. If you had slept with him that might be another issue, (but I’m a bit old fashion), mainly due to the fact it sounds like it would have been rebound sex and that’s something most people tend to regret at some point in their lives. As far as meeting up with your friend, and others this Friday; I get the impression your bf wouldn’t be happy. If you ask him and he says it’s alright then you and him may need to talk about being honest with regards to you feelings. If you do decide to meet with your friend, not telling your bf could be viewed as deceitful. How do you think your bf would react if he found out I believe your confusion may run deeper than whether you should go out this Friday or not. Sorry.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 Thank you so much for all your responses... to answer some of the questions asked.. Im not sure if it was just a drunken make out. Ive always had a feeling he might have more than just friends feelings for me, but then he seems to be giving out that vibe to everyone and their mother (my old roommate felt he liked her too..and I know as a fact he didnt). When it happened I asked him why he kissed me and he said that I was attractive and he felt safe with me. So I dont know. In any case...the worst part is that I dont have many friends..actually I have literally three, counting him, and a girl who lives in another state. My friend who lives here is a bit aloof and we dont see each other often/dont have much in common. So to lose him is losing bassically the only friend i got here. That is what makes it so hard. But i guess for the sake of my relationship im going to have to do it. Although my boyfriend has a similar situation of a friend with whom he slept with once and she has a major crush on him, I dont feel at all threatened by her. Yet i do know he is more insecured than me and I gotta keep that in mind. Sad days...ah well time to make new friends.
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