not sure if i am the OW, but i need

[whichwayisup]

but, i honestly believe there is something special there and i'm sure it will be argued to no end, but it is still an instinct that isn't going away...

 

Special or not, this guy isn't available and isn't up for grabs even if he is making it seem like he is. You have a choice here - Pursue and get hurt, let alone get caught having that affair with this woman's husband and suffer all the consquences and fallout of that, or end it, realize that he already has a wife - A life built with someone else. You deserve MORE than just being this guys side dish.

[tviamn]

you're right.. i'm not going to deny that. i needed to hear all of this and i know what i should do.

 

isn't there a chance though, that he is actually a good person and that he is torn between staying married and losing out on the chance to be with someone that may ultimately be better for him... that he is a good guy that up until this point took pride in being a good husband... that he feels like a dirt bag keeping secrets... that he is considering and giving much thought about leaving... ?

 

i understand how most people will judge him in a negative way, but i don't think all mm that fall into an affair/or choose willing to do so really are just out to get sex.. or an ego boost... that it is possible that it is genuine...

 

i really don't see myself as being that stupid to be fooled so easily... i realize it's probable, but i've been pretty good at seeing through fake and deceitful people.. that's the only reason it's carried on.. is because i believe him... but if what he says is true than maybe if i end it now, i'll find out just how true it was or how fooled i was...

 

i certainly feel i deserve more than being anyones side dish...

[signedin2008]

if i get out now... which is what i plan on doing......

 

What are your steps and pre-cautions to accomplish that?

 

I am going to be direct and honest with you. You seem way too weak to accomplish that on your own and voluntarily. Your morals were NOT strong enough that night that made you someone's mistress and it is certainly not strong enough now for you to go No Contact with him and stick to it.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

the complete right thing to do?? i don't think it's my place to inform his wife... that's his business... i'm not arguing that she doesn't have every right to know what her husband is doing... but that is not something that i am willing to do. if i get out now... which is what i plan on doing... his marriage can stay in tact and if he has another affair then that's his deal...

but i'm not going to inflict more problems than i have already... people make mistakes.. it's part of life...

i feel it would be malicious and it's not in me...

 

I agree with you on this one - do not be the one to tell his wife.

 

However I think you may be in great danger of being used...

 

Stop this situation in its tracks while its still in the early stages, or before you know it you will be in far too deep & end up extremelly hurt. He sounds like he could be manipulating you & is definately untrustworthy.

 

If you allow him to persue you any further you are heading for heartbreak so try not to have any further contact with him. I understand that will be very hard given how strongly you feel but you will save yourself from alot of pain further down the line if you cut him out of your life now.

[signedin2008]

you're right.. i'm not going to deny that. i needed to hear all of this and i know what i should do.

 

isn't there a chance though, that he is actually a good person and that he is torn between staying married and losing out on the chance to be with someone that may ultimately be better for him... that he is a good guy that up until this point took pride in being a good husband... that he feels like a dirt bag keeping secrets... that he is considering and giving much thought about leaving... ?

 

i understand how most people will judge him in a negative way, but i don't think all mm that fall into an affair/or choose willing to do so really are just out to get sex.. or an ego boost... that it is possible that it is genuine...

 

i really don't see myself as being that stupid to be fooled so easily... i realize it's probable, but i've been pretty good at seeing through fake and deceitful people.. that's the only reason it's carried on.. is because i believe him... but if what he says is true than maybe if i end it now, i'll find out just how true it was or how fooled i was...

 

i certainly feel i deserve more than being anyones side dish...

 

What you wrote above has been written hundreds of times by mistresses on this board and it's really nothing new. You're in such "fog" that you can't see, think, and rationalize clearly.

 

Oh, in case you're wondering, those mistesses didn't end up in happily ever after fairy tales.

 

Can you ever be happy with yourself, your "affair/realtionship" with him knowing what you and him did to her? Can you ever trust him when he was married and so easily get tempted to get involved with another chick? Can you be sure that he won't miss his wife and resent you for breaking up his marriage and the added lables and perceptions he receives from his colleagues, family, and friends? If he is able to lie and cheat on his wife of years, what makes you think that he won't do it to you or anyone for that matter? Seriously!

[tviamn]

What are your steps and pre-cautions to accomplish that?

 

I am going to be direct and honest with you. You seem way too weak to accomplish that on your own and voluntarily. Your morals were NOT strong enough that night that made you someone's mistress and it is certainly not strong enough now for you to go No Contact with him and stick to it.

 

 

i am going to be direct and honest with you too.. you do not know me, you have no idea who i am or what i have accomplished in my life that took great strength and perseverance... i have made mistakes and so have you and i don't need your life story to point that fact out... yet, you say my morals are "certainly not strong enough now for you to go No Contact with him and stick to it" - "and voluntarily" ... how dare you?

 

 

... thanks for the encouragement! ...and i am being sarcastic because you may as well be telling me to keep it going or have you do it for me..

 

is this coming from experience? ...and if so, what were your steps and precautions?

 

i'm not picking a fight with you, but you SEEM way too certain that you know me and what i am and am not able to do... if you really cared, you might have given me some tips, but instead you attacked my character and it's not helpful

[2sunny]

tv -

 

would you mind responding to my perspective?

 

i wonder how you are processing what seems like a lot of info coming at you all at once.

 

so many posters here give great advice, and have for many years.

 

for me? i have been the betrayed spouse after a 20 year marriage (i am not bitter - just more aware) i have also found myself in the past emotionally connected with a very dear friend - MM whom i had known for years. when i realized how deep feelings had become for both of us i had to reconsider my relationship with this friend.

 

i understand many aspects to these situations and try to keep judgment away from good advice.

 

we are here to help - most of us anyway...

 

this must be a hard situation for you... and we do care about your best interest. keep that in mind.

[whichwayisup]

you're right.. i'm not going to deny that. i needed to hear all of this and i know what i should do.

 

That's all I can ask of you, to hear some of what's being said. Most do care and wouldn't reply if they didn't care. Some are harsher than others, but I think you can tell the difference between harsh advice and bashing.

 

isn't there a chance though, that he is actually a good person and that he is torn between staying married and losing out on the chance to be with someone that may ultimately be better for him... that he is a good guy that up until this point took pride in being a good husband... that he feels like a dirt bag keeping secrets... that he is considering and giving much thought about leaving... ?

 

If he really is going to leave, then tell him to call you when he's officially divorced, and until then you don't want to date him, let alone be in his life. If he feels you're the one and he's made a mistake, then he should do something about it now and not waste his wife's life by staying married to her.

 

The thing is, he obviously isn't committed to his wife and their marriage. IF he was, he wouldn't be questioning his love for his wife, let alone trying to get something started with you. That isn't going to help the situation, it's going to make it worse.

 

He ISN'T a good guy because he's cheated on his wife. He's chosen to betray her, hurt her, lie to her, go against his vows that he said to her infront of their family and friends. He may have BEEN a good husband, but he isn't anymore, though it seems he knows this already. Question is, is HE going to want to continue having an affair with you, keeping you the OW in his life, or is he going to ask you to give him space so he can figure things out.

 

i understand how most people will judge him in a negative way, but i don't think all mm that fall into an affair/or choose willing to do so really are just out to get sex.. or an ego boost... that it is possible that it is genuine...

Part of it IS an ego boost. You've made me feel something, you adore him, think he's wonderful - Ofcourse that's an ego boost.

 

IF it IS genuine, then he won't let the affair get far - He'll divorce and do everything quickly as possible so he can start a new life with you, not hurt his wife and drag it out. Question is, how do you handle that? Do you want to stick around and wait it out?

 

i really don't see myself as being that stupid to be fooled so easily... i realize it's probable, but i've been pretty good at seeing through fake and deceitful people.. that's the only reason it's carried on.. is because i believe him... but if what he says is true than maybe if i end it now, i'll find out just how true it was or how fooled i was...

 

End it and see what happens. If he truly loves you and the feeings are geniune and deep, then he will divorce. If he doesn't and he contacts you to only continue the affair, then you'll know that he loves himself more and wants two women to meet all his needs.

 

i certainly feel i deserve more than being anyones side dish...

Then don't settle for anything less.

[tviamn]

What you wrote above has been written hundreds of times by mistresses on this board and it's really nothing new. You're in such "fog" that you can't see, think, and rationalize clearly.

 

Oh, in case you're wondering, those mistesses didn't end up in happily ever after fairy tales.

 

Can you ever be happy with yourself, your "affair/realtionship" with him knowing what you and him did to her? Can you ever trust him when he was married and so easily get tempted to get involved with another chick? Can you be sure that he won't miss his wife and resent you for breaking up his marriage and the added lables and perceptions he receives from his colleagues, family, and friends? If he is able to lie and cheat on his wife of years, what makes you think that he won't do it to you or anyone for that matter? Seriously!

 

 

 

i said that it could be argued to no end... and i don't want to argue.. but you are really beginning to get on my nerves...

 

and to answer some of your questions.. i wasn't wondering if those mistresses ended up in a happily ever after fairytale... i do wonder if you didn't either and that's why you are so bitter...

 

...and as for the rest, yes i wonder all of those things and i'm aware of all the consequences that would follow down that path.. and none of them seem admirable... all those thoughts ring clear in my mind and send red flags that shouldn't be ignored... you seem to be the one who can't see, think, and rationalize clearly when i am here for help and i obviously have been thinking and seeing things in a different perspective than i did yesterday with help from less bitter people who have encouraged me to do the right thing with their helpful suggestions and polite way of pointing out my errors..

 

but again, thank you...

[whichwayisup]

...and as for the rest, yes i wonder all of those things and i'm aware of all the consequences that would follow down that path.. and none of them seem admirable... all those thoughts ring clear in my mind and send red flags that shouldn't be ignored...

Imagine your bestfriend in this situation - What would you tell her?

 

I know it's easier to give out advice than take it, everyone knows that.. But, when you have many people telling you more or less the same thing, it's good to stop and think, it's good to question your own mindset and wonder if he IS lying to you, omitting the truth about his wife and how he feels in general. Fact is, this man IS lying to his wife, betraying her - So please don't think he isn't capable of lying to you. He said vows to his wife, yet he is doing the worst thing possible a spouse can do - Lie, betray and cheat.

[Owl]

What specific SUPPORT did you hope to find here?

 

I'm asking, because you seem to become increasingly defensive, when in all honesty no one is attacking you.

 

They're making observations, and offering advice and suggestions...and frankly, they're getting their heads bit off in the process.

 

So that prompts me to question...what are you hoping that this site will do for you? What, SPECIFICALLY, are you asking for posters to do?

 

Do you want advice on how to proceed from here, based on their experiences and knowledge?

 

Were you simply wanting people to tell you how their own situations worked out?

 

What 'support' are you asking for?

[tviamn]

tv -

 

would you mind responding to my perspective?

 

i wonder how you are processing what seems like a lot of info coming at you all at once.

 

so many posters here give great advice, and have for many years.

 

for me? i have been the betrayed spouse after a 20 year marriage (i am not bitter - just more aware) i have also found myself in the past emotionally connected with a very dear friend - MM whom i had known for years. when i realized how deep feelings had become for both of us i had to reconsider my relationship with this friend.

 

i understand many aspects to these situations and try to keep judgment away from good advice.

 

we are here to help - most of us anyway...

 

this must be a hard situation for you... and we do care about your best interest. keep that in mind.

 

it is hard to process all of this.. i am almost on the bridge of tears and not because i am weak, but because i have gotten myself in a predicament that goes against what i stand for. i believe i do have integrity and that i am a good person searching for help and it's hard to feel somewhat persecuted when all i am doing is asking for help. i have made a terrible mistake and i have fallen in love with someone that i shouldn't have..

 

i appreciate anyone and everyones helpful suggestions and advice.. that's why i am here and it's refreshing to see... so thank you... especially since you have been on the other side and that perspective could really enlighten me.. when done the right way.... i don't want to hurt her.. i feel terrible about it and if anything, i feel i am humbling myself and not acting like i have a right to do what i have been doing.

[Owl]

I want to reiterate my first post to you...

 

You KNOW what to do from here...that's not really your question.

 

You KNOW right from wrong, you're sitting in a conflict between what you want, and what you know is right.

 

The question remains...which is stronger, your moral convictions and knowledge of right from wrong...or your desire to pursue a relationship that not only has a low chance of succeeding, but a high chance of hurting others not directly involved in the situation?

 

It sounds harsh...but that really is the bottom line of the choices you're making right at this moment.

 

What's more important to you...doing what you know is right, or doing what you know is wrong, hurting someone else, and pursuing something you want?

[tviamn]

What specific SUPPORT did you hope to find here?

 

I'm asking, because you seem to become increasingly defensive, when in all honesty no one is attacking you.

 

They're making observations, and offering advice and suggestions...and frankly, they're getting their heads bit off in the process.

 

 

i am sorry if you feel that i am bitting off heads... i'm not here for that.

SIGNEDIN2008, i feel has been rude and sarcastic to me rather than being sincere and i'd rather have advice from someone less bitter and more genuine.

 

i believe i've received all the advice i need at this point. anymore advice or encouragement would be appreciated, but i know what i need to do.

 

thank you

[Owl]

Fair enough...I wish you well.

[2sunny]

it is hard to process all of this.. i am almost on the bridge of tears and not because i am weak, but because i have gotten myself in a predicament that goes against what i stand for. i believe i do have integrity and that i am a good person searching for help and it's hard to feel somewhat persecuted when all i am doing is asking for help. i have made a terrible mistake and i have fallen in love with someone that i shouldn't have..

 

i appreciate anyone and everyones helpful suggestions and advice.. that's why i am here and it's refreshing to see... so thank you... especially since you have been on the other side and that perspective could really enlighten me.. when done the right way.... i don't want to hurt her.. i feel terrible about it and if anything, i feel i am humbling myself and not acting like i have a right to do what i have been doing.

 

well if insight helps - when i found out my xH was cheating i left him. i deserve better than that. it was not the first time - heck the first time he got a pass and worked hard on the M. i told him if he ever did it again - he would be out and we wouldn't even discuss it. that is exactly what happened.

 

3 years later we are now divorced. he is remarried (not to the gal he cheated with - he left her right away thinking he could win me back again). after 2 1/2 years of him in disbelief and thinking i would still take him and our "perfect" life back - the divorce was final.

 

he still tells my family and friends that he loves me - always will. that he just screwed up big time.

 

well guess what? consequences for that.

 

he wanted the affair - of that i'm sure. he was banking on me never finding out - of that i'm sure too. and then he banked on me forgiving him again. when i didn't - he couldn't believe it.

 

my self respect is worth everything - and i wasn't about to allow him to think otherwise.

 

your self respect is worth something too honey. you know what to do.

 

keep posting... we'll be here to help you through it.

[norajane]

i'm not sure if i can quote two people, but this is also in response to WHICHWAYISUP....

 

 

seems you and the other didn't bother to read the very first sentence of my thread.. so quickly making accusations ... without actually reading the thread.. makes me wonder if you two are trying to help me or trying to attack my character... it does make it hard for me to take anything you both have said as ...sincere guidance

 

I may have misread the length of time you have been involved, and it is really 2 months instead of 3 weeks; however, I fail to see where I tried to attack your character in my post:

 

Exactly - is this what you want for yourself?

 

Think about it.

 

You can't discuss him with your family and friends - you will be isolating yourself from the people who matter in your life because you won't be able to share your pains or joys because you have to hide it all.

 

He lives elsewhere and he has a family. How happy will you be knowing he's with his family when you're alone on the weekends? The holidays are coming up. How will you feel knowing he's sharing those with his family and not with you? How do you feel knowing he's having dinner and sex with his wife while you're posting about him on LoveShack?

 

How long are you prepared to live in limbo, hoping he and his wife decide to separate?

 

You didn't even know this man 3 weeks ago, and you're already prepared to put your future in the hands of that man and his wife and the state of their marriage. Think about why it's so easy for you to disregard your misgivings about affairs in order to dive so deeply and so quickly into one.

 

The best thing you could do for yourself is to tell him that you do not want to involve yourself in an affair. Tell him you're sorry, but you can't be with him while he's married.

 

You are free to do as you wish, but I believe the questions I've posed are worth considering as it is your life on the line.

[mistresswchildren]

a couple months ago i met a man. he was handsome and he was with a friend. i was out on a friday night alone in hopes of having fun and meeting new people.. which i did. i met two guys and we stayed out all night and had a blast... during the night, the guy i was interested in wasn't really paying me much attention so i asked his friend what was his deal.. and he's said oh, he's married.. i just figured.. well that's my luck and enjoyed the night anyway.. towards the end of the night we all went back to a friends house and just talked and had a great time.. i could tell he was interested in me, but i respected that fact that he was married and that there was no chance.. i have always looked down on mistresses and MM that cheat.

 

suddenly all the people seemed to disappear... and he and i were alone.. it was very innocent, but we were laughing and having such a great time.. out of nowhere he kisses me.. i knew it was wrong, but i kissed him back.. it was incredible... he went on to tell me that there was something about me that he couldn't resist just kissing me once.. we ended up sleeping next to each other and holding hands. we didn't have sex, nothing close to it.. we were just looking into each others eyes and smiling.. the next morning he kissed me goodbye and asked for my phone number. i gave it to him. after they left he texted me and said that that was the most fun he's had in a very long time. he called me soon after and invited me to lunch with him and his friend. i went, we sat next to each other and it felt like we'd known each other for years.. when his friend would leave the table he put his hand on my leg and touched my hand.. i was falling right there..

 

trying to keep this somewhat short, but it's the details that make sense... he lives very far from me.. he was here in town for an art event.. he was touring for the next three weeks.. before he went back home.. we talked everyday..texts... messaging... everything.. it wasn't about sex or lust.. we talked about life and family and likes and dislikes and realized how much we connected and how similar we are.. i guess i didn't feel too bad because we didn't have sex and that's not what we talked about for the next three weeks... i told him the day before he went back home that i wouldn't pursue him.. that if he wanted to talk with me, he had to be the one to initiate anything.

 

after five days i figured that he would call... and i thought to myself how much i had respect for that. i know he is a good guy. he has never cheated on his wife once. (don't bother telling me that's what he says, i'm not that naive) but i do believe he isn't lying... i believe he is sincerely torn and doesn't want to hurt his wife... i also have never said anything bad about her to him, nor has he said anything like that to me.. i would hate me if i were her and i feel she would have every right to do so. she doesn't deserve any of this, but we are in love. he has told me several times.. we have talked everyday since the first time he called after the five days he went home..

 

we talk about all the things we want to do, places we want to go.. the life we could have.. we make each other laugh and rarely does it involve lustful sessions of indulging in fantasies. we are in love... and i don't know what to do. i have told him that i would never do anything to jeopardize his marriage.. besides what i am doing now and i know it's not right either.. but i will not make myself known to her ever. i told him that if he wants to be with me than that would be a choice he would have to make well thought out and from nothing i did to get my way.. and he tells me that's one of the reasons he adores me so much.. i could go on and on, but that's all for now.. i just hate not knowing... and he will be back in my area in less than three months and we are going to see each other.. i need advice.. i really care about him, but i'm afraid of doing the wrong things and making bad decisions.

 

I am not trying to be harsh here, but do we share the same married man? So many of the things that you have said here are exactly the same as my situation. However, you will find, so many of the things that you have said here apply to many of the MM that people post about. It is the same with so many of them. They all have their agenda. They all are such "good guys," until they aren't any more. Let it drop! Do not go through this. You have touched and EA, and a PA will follow. Let me guess, "You give me something that my wife never has." "You are special." "You are different." "We have a real connection that I have never felt with anyone before."

 

Blah, blah, blah. It is the same every time. There is a certain mold for MM that will cheat, and this guy sounds like he fits that mold. Don't be naive. I was, and I lost my self respect, my ability to trust, my ability to love, and my dignity. If you are willing to go through that, continue, but if not stop this now.