not sure if i am the OW, but i need

[tviamn]

a couple months ago i met a man. he was handsome and he was with a friend. i was out on a friday night alone in hopes of having fun and meeting new people.. which i did. i met two guys and we stayed out all night and had a blast... during the night, the guy i was interested in wasn't really paying me much attention so i asked his friend what was his deal.. and he's said oh, he's married.. i just figured.. well that's my luck and enjoyed the night anyway.. towards the end of the night we all went back to a friends house and just talked and had a great time.. i could tell he was interested in me, but i respected that fact that he was married and that there was no chance.. i have always looked down on mistresses and MM that cheat.

 

suddenly all the people seemed to disappear... and he and i were alone.. it was very innocent, but we were laughing and having such a great time.. out of nowhere he kisses me.. i knew it was wrong, but i kissed him back.. it was incredible... he went on to tell me that there was something about me that he couldn't resist just kissing me once.. we ended up sleeping next to each other and holding hands. we didn't have sex, nothing close to it.. we were just looking into each others eyes and smiling.. the next morning he kissed me goodbye and asked for my phone number. i gave it to him. after they left he texted me and said that that was the most fun he's had in a very long time. he called me soon after and invited me to lunch with him and his friend. i went, we sat next to each other and it felt like we'd known each other for years.. when his friend would leave the table he put his hand on my leg and touched my hand.. i was falling right there..

 

trying to keep this somewhat short, but it's the details that make sense... he lives very far from me.. he was here in town for an art event.. he was touring for the next three weeks.. before he went back home.. we talked everyday..texts... messaging... everything.. it wasn't about sex or lust.. we talked about life and family and likes and dislikes and realized how much we connected and how similar we are.. i guess i didn't feel too bad because we didn't have sex and that's not what we talked about for the next three weeks... i told him the day before he went back home that i wouldn't pursue him.. that if he wanted to talk with me, he had to be the one to initiate anything.

 

after five days i figured that he would call... and i thought to myself how much i had respect for that. i know he is a good guy. he has never cheated on his wife once. (don't bother telling me that's what he says, i'm not that naive) but i do believe he isn't lying... i believe he is sincerely torn and doesn't want to hurt his wife... i also have never said anything bad about her to him, nor has he said anything like that to me.. i would hate me if i were her and i feel she would have every right to do so. she doesn't deserve any of this, but we are in love. he has told me several times.. we have talked everyday since the first time he called after the five days he went home..

 

we talk about all the things we want to do, places we want to go.. the life we could have.. we make each other laugh and rarely does it involve lustful sessions of indulging in fantasies. we are in love... and i don't know what to do. i have told him that i would never do anything to jeopardize his marriage.. besides what i am doing now and i know it's not right either.. but i will not make myself known to her ever. i told him that if he wants to be with me than that would be a choice he would have to make well thought out and from nothing i did to get my way.. and he tells me that's one of the reasons he adores me so much.. i could go on and on, but that's all for now.. i just hate not knowing... and he will be back in my area in less than three months and we are going to see each other.. i need advice.. i really care about him, but i'm afraid of doing the wrong things and making bad decisions.

[Ronni_W]

You're at a stage where you can back yourself out of a lot of pain, heartache, suffering and misery. I would suggest you do that. Primarily for yourself.

Yes, you will still have strong feelings, dreams, visions and fantasies to deal with but, to me, you will still be better off doing that now, than getting involved with a married man, and having to deal with that (and possibly a whole lot more) later.

 

At the same time as typing all of that, I suspect that at least part of you has already made up its mind exactly how it will compel you to act. But if you do still have control of most of your conscious logic and reasoning, I'd really urge you to be extremely forceful with the part that may be leading you down a path that is filled with a lot of pain, heartache, suffering and misery.

 

Either way, it's a tough spot to be in. I do wish you Guidance, Courage and Strength to help you with your decision. (((hugs)))

[tviamn]

i'm not sure if i am even replying correctly.. i am very new to this site.. but i wanted to thank you for your advice.. it is very difficult. the things that keeps me from cutting it off entirely is that he has said that leaving his wife would let down a lot of people, but that he's not sure if "doing the right thing" is the right thing to do... and that it is possible and he cannot picture living the rest of his life not by me side... it's all so fragile.. but thank you for caring enough to tell me what you think... i've found that this is not a topic you want to share with friends and family... people tend to be very judgmental as i would most likely be too if i weren't living it..

[wildsoul]

Hello and welcome!

 

So are you asking for us to point out what looks like bad choices/mistakes in your story so you can avoid them? Alright then. A few things stand out to me.

 

1. You said that someone else had to explain he was married. Was he not wearing a wedding ring?

 

2. It seems a little unusual to me that you (who seems to be a single woman) went out alone, hung out with 2 guys you just met, then all went to someone's house and slept there. How old are you? I don't mean that in a disparaging tone. It's just that it sounds like alcohol abuse and inappropriate boundaries are involved here. This concerns me a lot.

 

3. So you and he are expressing "I love you's" in 3 weeks? Not sure I have the time line straight, but that concerns me a lot too.

 

4. You said that you've been telling him you won't pursue, as if that makes you innocent in the affair? Um. No. That you aren't taking responsibility makes me think your judgement is really cloudy. I think you're getting into something way beyond what you can handle.

 

5. You said that he adores you for not trying to get your way. HUGE red flag! For a man wanting a mistress without any commitment, you're a score. All along, you're making yourself available, yet not pursuing. I realize that in #4 above you're doing it because you think it makes you seem innocent, but look at it from this side: it also makes it look like you can be easily manipulated and controlled. Run! Go! Run!

 

6. He lives somewhere else, but visits your area without his wife. Can you see how this would serve a MM wanting an affair, but not serve a single woman in your position?

 

Additionally, what do you want out of a relationship? This guy doesn't seem available for a relationship. He is available for an affair. Those are not necessarily the same thing, yanno?

[whichwayisup]

i know he is a good guy. he has never cheated on his wife once. (don't bother telling me that's what he says, i'm not that naive) but i do believe he isn't lying...

He has roped you in so easily. If you choose to believe him, well, get ready to have your heart broken. Go read all the threads in this section and go read threads in the infidelity section as well - So you can see the pain you'll be helping this man betray his wife.

 

Does he have kids? How long has he been married?

 

All that you feel is based on 'getting to know eachother' feelings, lust etc.. It isn't based on real life. It's based on selfish stolen moments away from his wife, away from friends, family, neighbours etc..

 

i believe he is sincerely torn and doesn't want to hurt his wife... i also have never said anything bad about her to him, nor has he said anything like that to me.. i would hate me if i were her and i feel she would have every right to do so. she doesn't deserve any of this, but we are in love. he has told me several times.. we have talked everyday since the first time he called after the five days he went home..

 

So, do you really believe he is going to say goodbye to his wife, throw away his marriage, his whole life as he knows it, his inlaws, etc, for someone he really barely knows?

[Ronni_W]

people tend to be very judgmental as i would most likely be too if i weren't living it..

Well...I thought about that -- that you probably won't be "looking down" on any other person in the same way as you did in the past. Really, tolerance and acceptance are two HUGE life lessons...you can certainly walk away from all of it right now, knowing that you have already grown and learned from the experience. But to just learn those Lessons and move on...you will need to be strong, and stay in control of your mental and emotional faculties.

 

FOR YOU, it's not about what he thinks and is willing or unwilling to do; and who he can or can't hurt or live with or without. That's HIS stuff for him to figure out. You are not responsible or obligated to take all of that stuff of HIS, into account.

 

I would suggest for you to make your own decisions from perspective of what YOU are willing and unwilling to be, do and have in your life; who YOU are willing or not willing to hurt. (Keeping in mind that a misguided decision is likely to end up hurting YOU...highly possibly HURT YOU MOST OF ALL.)

 

I see this as being an opportunity for you to get clear about and stand up for your personal values and beliefs systems, and to choose your own experiences. It's about your personal integrity and living your own authentic life. That is how I am seeing it.

 

And yes you are correct...it's a topic over which people have highly charged emotions. Here and in real life, do not let others' bile and venom get to you. They are bitter and angry over their own experiences, from which they were unable to fully recover.

As you now know, every situation is entirely personal and unique...and nobody else knows what's going on in the hearts, minds and souls of those we may want to judge and condemn to eternal damnation.

 

I think you know what you ought to do...even though that will be tough. I don't think you will ever regret acting according to your own value system.

[Ronni_W]

Was he not wearing a wedding ring?

Very well put, Wild...brief and to the point!

 

Only thing I wouldn't have thought of was the wedding ring -- my (ex)hubby didn't have one...we had a one-ring ceremony. So, that's not in my consciousness -- gonna try to remember that, though. Cos I guess most married men do have a ring.

 

Hope all's going well with you.

[norajane]

Additionally, what do you want out of a relationship? This guy doesn't seem available for a relationship. He is available for an affair. Those are not necessarily the same thing, yanno?

 

Exactly - is this what you want for yourself?

 

Think about it.

 

You can't discuss him with your family and friends - you will be isolating yourself from the people who matter in your life because you won't be able to share your pains or joys because you have to hide it all.

 

He lives elsewhere and he has a family. How happy will you be knowing he's with his family when you're alone on the weekends? The holidays are coming up. How will you feel knowing he's sharing those with his family and not with you? How do you feel knowing he's having dinner and sex with his wife while you're posting about him on LoveShack?

 

How long are you prepared to live in limbo, hoping he and his wife decide to separate?

 

You didn't even know this man 3 weeks ago, and you're already prepared to put your future in the hands of that man and his wife and the state of their marriage. Think about why it's so easy for you to disregard your misgivings about affairs in order to dive so deeply and so quickly into one.

 

The best thing you could do for yourself is to tell him that you do not want to involve yourself in an affair. Tell him you're sorry, but you can't be with him while he's married.

[whichwayisup]

You didn't even know this man 3 weeks ago,

 

Yet she knows him and believes everything he's told her. That's very unrealistic seeing as this man IS a liar already - He's been lying to his wife.

 

Ask him if his "friend" who told you he's married knows about you. Ask him if you can meet his other friends, maybe even his parents, or siblings. OR ask if you can meet his kids if he has any - Watch his reaction - That will be very telling.

[tviamn]

Hello and welcome!

 

So are you asking for us to point out what looks like bad choices/mistakes in your story so you can avoid them? Alright then. A few things stand out to me.

 

1. You said that someone else had to explain he was married. Was he not wearing a wedding ring?

 

2. It seems a little unusual to me that you (who seems to be a single woman) went out alone, hung out with 2 guys you just met, then all went to someone's house and slept there. How old are you? I don't mean that in a disparaging tone. It's just that it sounds like alcohol abuse and inappropriate boundaries are involved here. This concerns me a lot.

 

3. So you and he are expressing "I love you's" in 3 weeks? Not sure I have the time line straight, but that concerns me a lot too.

 

4. You said that you've been telling him you won't pursue, as if that makes you innocent in the affair? Um. No. That you aren't taking responsibility makes me think your judgement is really cloudy. I think you're getting into something way beyond what you can handle.

 

5. You said that he adores you for not trying to get your way. HUGE red flag! For a man wanting a mistress without any commitment, you're a score. All along, you're making yourself available, yet not pursuing. I realize that in #4 above you're doing it because you think it makes you seem innocent, but look at it from this side: it also makes it look like you can be easily manipulated and controlled. Run! Go! Run!

 

6. He lives somewhere else, but visits your area without his wife. Can you see how this would serve a MM wanting an affair, but not serve a single woman in your position?

 

Additionally, what do you want out of a relationship? This guy doesn't seem available for a relationship. He is available for an affair. Those are not necessarily the same thing, yanno?

 

 

1) he was wearing his ring, i didn't notice yet because i wasn't really crazy about him, i was curious so i asked his friend a little about him and he told me he was married.. the ring was right there..

 

2) on this particular night i did want to go out by myself, but it was a place i was familiar with and knew people... i am 30 years old and i do drink occasionally, and i don't see anything wrong with that. i can handle myself.. they were out of town and so after it got very late we decided to sleep where we were.. i understand your concern, but i'm a big girl and i wasn't in a predicament where i could be harmed..

 

3) no, it's been months... and we don't say i love you everyday, but it has come up on occasion when we are expressing how deep our feeling have become.

 

4) i said i wasn't going to contact him after he went home. i didn't say i was innocent.. rather, i have been expressing guilt

 

5) i really don't understand what you think he is getting out of this.. it's not like we are meeting and having sex, which by the way we never have.. and i'm not doing anything to "seem" innocent.. my point was that i'm not going to call her and tell her in the chance that she will leave him... and then i will have him.. not quite the way i would feel good about getting a man... but the reality is i do care for him and i'm not sure i want to let him slip away.. even though i know this isn't right.. he has also said many other things he adores.. i just didn't feel the need to elaborate..

 

6) yes, but he doesn't want to have an affair... when he tours she cannot be with him... i'm sure it's not by choice and don't you think if he did want to be a serial cheater he wouldn't have been wearing his ring and he would have tried to have sex with me and never call me again and even better... find a mistress somewhere closer on the map where he could actually have an affair...

 

additionally... i want to be with someone that makes me feel free to be myself.. someone i respect and adore... i wrote earlier that he said that he didn't know if doing the right thing (staying married and cutting this off) was the right thing to do... meaning that he is seriously considering making a life changing decision...

 

btw... i appreciate your insight, but you have insinuated that i abuse alcohol and that had nothing to do with what i posted and the friends house was a friend of mine..

[tviamn]

Yet she knows him and believes everything he's told her. That's very unrealistic seeing as this man IS a liar already - He's been lying to his wife.

 

Ask him if his "friend" who told you he's married knows about you. Ask him if you can meet his other friends, maybe even his parents, or siblings. OR ask if you can meet his kids if he has any - Watch his reaction - That will be very telling.

 

i guess it's easy being the one judging... he was telling me recently that he wanted to discuss this with his father for advice... and as for the friend.. he says he wants to tell him, but he doesn't want to put him in a position that he would have to lie for him.. which is why he would be going to talk to his father.. and i do have my close friends that know what's going on in my life and my mom knows as well...

 

and as far as the other questions go... he's been married for three years with no children. i've never been married. we've known each other for more than three weeks and what i meant by him no wanting an affair is that he is not happy with all this... he has said that he needs to figure out what to do.. he hasn't expressed that he is happy with this being "it" and neither have i.

[Ronni_W]

... i want to be with someone that makes me feel free to be myself.. someone i respect and adore...

You definitely do deserve such a partner...it is truly rare to find, and that is probably making your decision all the more difficult, I would suspect.

 

Another option is for you to totally distance yourself until he makes a decision about his marriage. Of course that would be tough on you, but at least you won't unnecessarily be putting your heart at (any more) risk.

 

And, yes, it might sound like an ultimatum...but if it is something that you would consider, it's also pointing to the fact that your own value system is requiring that such an ultimatum be given...for you to be who you are.

 

Again, best of luck. It's just a tough and unenviable spot in which to find one's self. (((hugs)))

[wildsoul]

btw... i appreciate your insight, but you have insinuated that i abuse alcohol and that had nothing to do with what i posted and the friends house was a friend of mine..

I stand corrected. You did not mention that alcohol was involved. I inferred that because in my own experience people don't normally become so chummy with strangers, nor do they sleep over at their friends house, unless there is drinking involved. Alcohol can create a false sense of intimacy. Also, for a bored married person, a night out of drinking and flirting can seem terribly exciting--like being young and single again. Sorry if I was wrong. Just trying to look for possible bad decisions, as per the request in your post. Not judging you at all.

[pelicanpreacher]

Tviamn, you've remarked that he hasn't said anything disparaging about his wife or life with her which makes me think that maybe you've been reading a few of my posts. In your situation, however, he didn't have to work for your affections for you, by your own admission, found him attractive enough to pursue him instead of the other way around from the very onset of the relationship. He didn't need to apply the typical manipulations to secure your heart for you exhibited such strong vibes in your initial meeting that he knew you'd be willing to give it to him from the get-go as long as he didn't do or say something stupid to turn you off! You, my dear, are what's known as a "lay down sale" who presented this man with an opportunity to engage in a LDR without sacrificing or jeopardizing one iota of his life or resources. He cleverly assuaged your curiosity about his marriage by playing the "I'm torn" card for if he was being truthful and told you that he had no intentions of ever leaving his wife or marriage whatsoever your fog would have evaporated so fast you'd swear steam was coming off your head!

 

Though these "lay down" opportunities come far and few between you've proven the fact that even a blind squirrel can stay fat on acorns just by using his nose to find and sit under the right tree long enough to hear one fall. All your man had to do was hang out in a night club and wait for his acorn to drop into his lap!

[signedin2008]

To answer your question, yes, you are the OW and a Mistress. Not only are you having an emotional affair, but it also crossed to a physical affair when you kissed.

 

i have been expressing guilt

 

I find it very hard to believe based on your actions. You seem to only think about yourself and your needs and wants at any cost including destroying this woman whom he has been calling "my wife" for years.

[LucreziaBorgia]

it wasn't about sex or lust..

 

His conversations may not be, but I can assure you his intentions are.

 

i'm afraid of doing the wrong things and making bad decisions

 

You already have. Your decisions now are going to be based on how high of an emotional pain tolerance you have. For example, this decision lies ahead of you: back out now, and suffer a little or stay until your heart dies and you suffer a lot.

 

You may be happy staying, but eventually you will not be and it will be more painful than you can imagine.

[crystal_lostheart]

Hi There,

 

Speaking from experience - please save yourself the heartache that will be caused by this and simply 'walk away'. You are not in that deep yet. Very rarely do they leave and if they do - it can take a very long time. Are you willing to ride the emotional roller coaster through this with absolutely no guarantee whilst putting your life on hold for another person?

The emotional despair felt each and every day can wear you down to almost nothing. And it only gets harder because you can become so involved and trapped the longer it goes on. I am not saying that this is for every case because there are a 'few' cases in where they do leave but it is never simple and so many people get hurt in the process.

Really think about this first with your head before your heart - these are not normal relationships. Have a read over some other threads here to get an idea of what it's like being the OW and putting yourself in that position.

Good Luck with it all

[tviamn]

 

 

 

You didn't even know this man 3 weeks ago

 

i'm not sure if i can quote two people, but this is also in response to WHICHWAYISUP....

 

 

 

seems you and the other didn't bother to read the very first sentence of my thread.. so quickly making accusations ... without actually reading the thread.. makes me wonder if you two are trying to help me or trying to attack my character... it does make it hard for me to take anything you both have said as ...sincere guidance

[signedin2008]

I noticed that you didn't respond to my comment. The truth in your case stinks and it's better to just ignore it, doesn't it?

[tviamn]

To answer your question, yes, you are the OW and a Mistress. Not only are you having an emotional affair, but it also crossed to a physical affair when you kissed.

 

I find it very hard to believe based on your actions. You seem to only think about yourself and your needs and wants at any cost including destroying this woman whom he has been calling "my wife" for years.

 

-I noticed that you didn't respond to my comment. The truth in your case stinks and it's better to just ignore it, doesn't it?

 

 

i've actually been having problems with my pc today and i've been also doing a lot of thinking... sorry i didn't respond to you sooner.

 

the truth in my case does stink and does it look like i am ignoring it? i am here because i am trying to get unbiased insight from people who may have a better understanding than i do.. since i've never had/wanted an affair with a mm before i lack this particular life lesson/experience... obviously.

 

if i were concerned only with my selfish needs i would not be here looking for the strength/guidance to make the right decisions... because i realize that i've made bad choices and i'm only trying to figure out what i should do.. most of the responses have been very helpful.. but some others have been more insulting and condescending than understanding... there is a way to get a point across without making accusations and insults.. but i'm not going to let it get to me because i realize this is a emotionally charged issue...

[signedin2008]

because i realize that i've made bad choices and i'm only trying to figure out what i should do.....

 

Deep down, you know what's wrong and what's right and you know exactly what you should do now from this point on. You need block his call and not return his call or messages and delete any message he has for you even before listening to it.

 

Spend today thinking of his wife. Just imagine you were in her shoes who has been married to man with all that goes with it including wedding, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and it's about to be destroyed by some girl who just can't say no and who can't stay away.

 

Just read around, you will see that only about 2 to 3% of affairs end up in marriage and survive. This is due to many reasons including trust issues, the cheater not sure about leaving his spouse, resentment toward the OW/OM for breaking up the marriage and causing pain to someone he used to called "my wife," etc. and all this happens EVEN if the cheater is in a bad marriage, which might or might not be the case here with your married man. Pretty much every cheater and his/her other person think they are soul mates and your is not exception or unique at all.

 

I am sure your parents and grandparents raised you better than what you have been doing and that they would not be proud of your actions.

 

YOU know what the right thing is and just do it, even if it means that you have to change your number and email address. Some might even suggest you to do the complete right thing which is end the affair and inform his wife, because she has every right to know what you and her husband have been up to.

[2sunny]

typical MM working you.

 

you're a safe bet - away from home, willing to flirt with him and stroke his ego everyday, see him when he's in town, sleep with him eventually.

 

he will try to sleep with you when he sees you. you can bet on that. what do you think he's hanging around for?

 

you will get hurt because he doesn't intend to change things at home - just get a bit of action when he's out of town.

 

in the meantime - he's grooming you for his visit by telling you all the things you need to hear so he gets what he wants when he stops in for his little "visit."

 

let's try an experiment this time, shall we?

 

why don't you tell him that you'll sleep with him when his divorce is final (and he proves it to you on paper) - then see how long it takes him to go running for the hills?

 

 

 

we see this all the time... if go along with HIS little plan - you will end up with a whole lot of pain and heartache. guaranteed.

 

and yes you are the OW - he is spending time and energy on you when that time and energy should be directed at his wife- IF he were being a decent husband.

 

intentions mean everything... his intentions are to pursuade you to play his game.

 

let us know how it goes.

[Owl]

It doesn't matter if you call yourself the OW, or Queen Elizabeth the 27th.

 

You know that the situation is wrong. You know that you've made some poor choices that have led you down this path, and you know the right and/or wrong of your choices going forward.

 

You know what you SHOULD do. You already know this.

 

You know what you WANT to do as well.

 

The REAL question is...what are you GOING to do?

 

Are your WANTS in this greater than your moral convictions?

 

At the end of the day, that's the crux of where you're sitting at right now.

 

You know the right and wrong...but the right doesn't match what you want. So your conflict is between what you know is right vs. what you want out of this situation.

 

Its that simple...are your beliefs and morals strong enough for you to choose the right thing?

[tviamn]

 

Spend today thinking of his wife. Just imagine you were in her shoes who has been married to man with all that goes with it including wedding, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and it's about to be destroyed by some girl who just can't say no and who can't stay away.

 

I am sure your parents and grandparents raised you better than what you have been doing and that they would not be proud of your actions.

 

Some might even suggest you to do the complete right thing which is end the affair and inform his wife, because she has every right to know what you and her husband have been up to.

 

i think about his wife a lot. i really don't think it's fair or right... and i don't want to hurt anyone.. especially innocent people.. i don't need to sell myself because i know i am a good person... and i have good morals.. my parents and grandparents raised me just fine... as you can see i'm not okay with this and i think it is wrong.... but, i honestly believe there is something special there and i'm sure it will be argued to no end, but it is still an instinct that isn't going away... i am aware that it may be the same for many people in my situation and that my instinct is nothing new... but that doesn't change the way i feel.. just what i do with the feelings i feel.

 

the complete right thing to do?? i don't think it's my place to inform his wife... that's his business... i'm not arguing that she doesn't have every right to know what her husband is doing... but that is not something that i am willing to do. if i get out now... which is what i plan on doing... his marriage can stay in tact and if he has another affair then that's his deal...

but i'm not going to inflict more problems than i have already... people make mistakes.. it's part of life...

i feel it would be malicious and it's not in me...

[whichwayisup]

seems you and the other didn't bother to read the very first sentence of my thread.. so quickly making accusations ... without actually reading the thread.. makes me wonder if you two are trying to help me or trying to attack my character... it does make it hard for me to take anything you both have said as ...sincere guidance

 

Sorry, I must have missed that.. Still the amount of time you've known him isn't very long and to hope he'll leave his wife for you under the circumstances isn't realistic...Even IF he is making it seem like things aren't great at home, chances are, he's lying about that..

 

I wasn't attacking your character - I'm not judging you either. Just please keep your eyes open and don't let yourself fall into the trap. Keep reading threads in this section and hopefully you'll see that the pain you'll be inflicting on yourself isn't worth the rollercoaster ride.