lost66 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Ok, I am dating this girl that has almost all of my negotiables and non-negotiables in what I am looking for in a woman but, she is 7 years younger than me. She is 25, I am 32. She brings what 25 year olds bring such as not as intelligent, insecurities, simple things such as familarity with music from my generation, not yet established financially, etc. Things she does bring is fun times, she is super nice, no baggage (kids, ex husbands, etc), I feel she cares about me a ton, maybe loves me but we have not said it yet. We get along well, she is a personal trainer and I have really got into working out for the past couple of years. She fits all of what I am looking for but I am a little scared. If you look at previous posts, I was engaged to a girl that was the same age and she ended our engagement and our relationship after 4 years 6 weeks before our wedding. So, the age thing is scaring me for sure. Also, I have since dated girls my age and it was refreshing being able to have good conversations with these girls. But, both girls had a ton of baggage, including kids, ex husbands, financial problems, etc. etc. We have been spending a bunch of time together. Like every day and she spends the night at my house about 6 times a week. I like her company, its nice and again, we have a great time together. I am just having mixed emotions about her. My past 2 relationships I rushed/was rushed into things. I fell in love within 2 months. I have been with this girl for 3 months and still don't know if I'm in love with her yet. I was hurt in the past 2 reationships so I am being very careful with this one. Although, the past two relationships could have been rebounds from the girl i was going to marry. So, how long does it take to fall in love with someone? After the past three break ups in the past year I am to the point where I am so confused with love that I don't even know or understand it.
CaliGuy Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Why don't you try not to worry about the relationship and just HAVE FUN! The more you stress about the relationship the more problems it causes. I understand you are gun shy but you gotta learn to be happy and just have fun. You can't control what happens with the relationship. Hate to say it. Enjoy the ride
Mako482 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Caliguy was right in what he said, but yea I see your concerns. Personally I am 37 and I would not date any younger than about 28, but it has nothing to do with age difference. What it does have to do with is I just think the younger they are (men and women, not picking on women here) the less they have grown into who they will become. By age 30 you are pretty much set in your ways, you're not changing too much. One of the reasons people who marry young seem to not last as long is because they grow apart, they become different people. Are you the same person you were at age 25? I know I'm not. This young women may have matured quickly into who she will be, or she may have some inner growth yet to come. No way to know, so just enjoy the ride for now. Hell, a woman the same age as you could dump you just the same. Every relationship is a risk. Think of it this way, if you are not married or not in a relationship right now (unless you were widowed) you have never been in a successful relationship, because if it were successful you would still be in it! I'm 37, every girlfriend I've had I've broken up with or she has broken up with me. I am divorced, that didn't work either. They are all a risk, just go with it.
confusedCA Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I agree. Don't think! Have fun, relax and see what your heart tells you. At times, I believe that the guy I am seeing is feeling the same as you (he is 40 and I am 26). She is most likely picking up on that vibe.
Tomcat33 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I find it intersting that you are listing the negatives first. It would appear that the negatives are weighing in heavily enough to make you hold back and this is what is stopping you from falling in love with her. In three months you should have a clearer picture it does not take a year to fall in love with someone, you pretty much know from the get go what a person makes you feel. She brings what 25 year olds bring such as not as intelligent, insecurities, simple things such as familarity with music from my generation, not yet established financially, etc. She is 25 she is just starting out what do you expect? It's not like you are THAT much older thought....What you said right there is really no different than the person that says, "I like him or her a lot lot but they are not very good sexually, or they are bigger than I prefer in terms of body contour" I think age has less to do with this and it appears intelligence, intellectual stimulation, self esteem, and common interests is something you hold of importance in a relationship but it's not here to your full satisfaction. If you want to fall in love with her you will have to learn to let go of those expectations since she is not going to get intelligent, financially secure or musically versed over night or any time soon, if ever in some of those areas. I think if you were telling us "I like her but she is overweight and I like skinny girls" people would tell you "well then find yourself a skinny girl that you can love" I say the same in this case, find yourself one that does have the qualities you can fall in love with, this girl is not her. Don't have fun at her expense if you feel she is falling for you and you are feeling as you are, that's not cool!
norajane Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 We have been spending a bunch of time together. Like every day and she spends the night at my house about 6 times a week. I like her company, its nice and again, we have a great time together. I am just having mixed emotions about her. My past 2 relationships I rushed/was rushed into things. It sounds to me like you've rushed into this relationship as well. Not emotionally, but physically. After only 3 months of dating, she's practically living with you. Did you even know her 3 months ago? Is that always how your relationships start - you become joined at the hip right away? Why? What happens to everything else in your life when you start dating someone? My past 2 relationships I rushed/was rushed into things. I fell in love within 2 months. I have been with this girl for 3 months and still don't know if I'm in love with her yet. I was hurt in the past 2 reationships so I am being very careful with this one. Although, the past two relationships could have been rebounds from the girl i was going to marry.Well, if you're being careful with this relationship, that means you aren't letting yourself fall in love willy nilly. You are holding back. Because you want to know her more before you let your guard down. You want to evaluate before you give your heart away. It's a common reaction to being hurt in past relationships. It's good that you are questioning your past patterns. If you've made some unwise choices, it's good to recognize them and learn something about yourself from those experiences.
Tomcat33 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Also I notice this pattern a lot here, some guys that were burned bad by one woman pick the types of women deep down they know they cannot get too committed to. Don't think this is happening totally unbeknownst to you on some level deep down you know why you are with this girl, and it's not because you want something long term that will make you vulnerable, I think vulnerability is what you are trying to avoid and this is a safe bet.
Author lost66 Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 Yes, I have a tendancy to go fast. I did not know her before for very long, she was actually my personal trainer for about a month, so I have known here for about 4 1/2 months now. She is not staying w/ me tonight by the way. And yes, from past experiences I am not going to say the LOVE word until i totally know her. I feel that in the past I fell in love before ever really knowing the person. I think now it takes a good 6 months or even more to know someone enough to fall in love. All in all she is a great girl. Just doesn't have the life experiences as I would like her to have but they will all come in time. I think I will take the advise of just having fun. I do think that it is possible for me to fall in love with her. With saying that, I should just relax and see what happens...
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