xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Hi all I started some threads a few weeks back now regarding my situation with the married man I was seeing & how it devastated me. Some LS members made me realize that I was groomed & used by him as I may be emotionally weak & that I must suffer with self esteem issues to have fallen for this type of guy in the first place... Well Im feeling so depressed about everything & wanted to post on this section to express how Im feeling right now & provide some background info as to why I have low self esteem. Sorry if its long... Well I had a difficult childhood - my Mom suffered depression & used to blame me for being such an "awful child", my Father was a violent drunk who would come home & be verbally abusive to us (I also have 2 younger sisters) & on occasion be very violent to Mom & started on me when I was about 10 - of course he just blamed it on the liquor & said he could never remember. They would somehow actually blame all their marriage probs on me! I was also picked on throughout school & had very few friends most of the time. Teachers thought I was a black sheep as well & I was often made a scapegoat.I find that even throughout my working life people are horrible to me & talk to me like s***. With friends its the same, Im always being used & low on their list of priorities. Im currently living in a different town to my Mom, Dad & sisters - ended up moving here 3 years ago to be with a guy who turned out to be very abusive so I left him but stayed here as i didnt want to go back home. Im lonely with very few friends here though, again this made me an easy target for the MM. MM & I did everything apart from penetration - I have not had full sex for 2 years which makes me feel so undesirable & a failure. Although I dont see the point in having random sex just for the hell of it. I pleasure myself with vibrators alot though. Now on the face of it I seem like an attractive girl, but underneath all my make up is a terrible skin problem that Ive been hiding for years. Im 26 & have suffered with acne since age 11. Kids would make fun of me, no boys fancied me at school, my parents would call me ugly, my Father even spat on me & they would say I had terrible skin cos I was evil or not eating right (I used to eat very healthily). To this day I only let my sisters see me with no make up, would never let a guy see me barefaced. Have even tried Accutane but problem persists! Last year I suffered severe visual impairment in one of my eyes due to a rare sight threatening eye disease. The threat is still there that it may happen to my second eye, if it does I will not be able to read or recognize faces due to total loss of central vision. Its been very worrying. Parents have not shown much support. They dont seem to realize how serious it is. Makes my bood boil how they just dont care. Recently lost 2 of my precious dogs, one died suddenly from illness & was still relatively young, the other got put to sleep. Last year a MM came to live in my house as a roommate as he was working away from wife & kids in my town & needed a place to stay during weeknights then would go home to the fam at weekends. There were 3 others as well in this house. He was there for me & very helpful especially with the eye prob. Check out my previous thread called in peices over MM if you do not know the story already but basically he groomed & used me. I had fallen in love with him but he just wanted to salvage what he could with me sexually without considering my feelings. He moved w&k to this area almost 3 months ago & moved out of here - completely broke my heart. I had a almost had a nervous breakdown over it. Crying constantly, couldnt eat, couldnt go to work. Hes only contacted me once since leaving & that was only to try & have sex. He always promises he will call then I dont hear from him - last contact was nearly 6 weeks ago. Gutted because despite how he has been I miss his company, we had so much in common & got on really well - I felt a soulmate connection with him, no lie. Feel Ive suffered a terrible loss. Miss having someone to have dinner with, someone to listen to music with, talk to about my day etc. Have to pass his street every day on the way to work which gives me panic attacks & Im even frightened to go shopping in case I bump into him and/or wife. Theres too many memories of him round the house as well, I wanna move to a different town. Sorry this is very long but really needed to let it all out.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 ***hugs*** thank you
seminoles84 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I'm sorry to hear about all the bad things that have been happening to you in your life. But I'm sure there had to be good times too! Hope you feel better today. Looks like you hit a bad day yesterday.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 I'm sorry to hear about all the bad things that have been happening to you in your life. But I'm sure there had to be good times too! Hope you feel better today. Looks like you hit a bad day yesterday. Yeah just feeling really s*** about life right now, mainly cos of the situation (or lack of ANY situation right now) with the married man. But of course there have been some fun times too! Glad you posted that as its made me think about great times I have had like going on vacation, Christmas, trips, having a laugh with my buddies, clubbing etc. I do have alot to be thankful for in life. Thanks for the support.
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