so gutted Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I am feeling irrationally angry, not upset just indignant that this guy i have met twice is being so offhand with me. Gladly - I have not pursued him and chased him and he contacted me after the first date BUT he is acting like im not important. I have had men call me day and night - text me all day. This isnt right. I know his job is long hours etc but frankly he has really really peed me off. If he wasnt interested why didnt he just blank me after date one? why this offhand waiting period? ok i can choose not to wait but i think he knows i like him. Can I contact him or not? I feel like asking him what he is playing at? is he interested or not? how about some straight talking?
Lauriebell82 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I am feeling irrationally angry, not upset just indignant that this guy i have met twice is being so offhand with me. Gladly - I have not pursued him and chased him and he contacted me after the first date BUT he is acting like im not important. I have had men call me day and night - text me all day. This isnt right. I know his job is long hours etc but frankly he has really really peed me off. If he wasnt interested why didnt he just blank me after date one? why this offhand waiting period? ok i can choose not to wait but i think he knows i like him. Can I contact him or not? I feel like asking him what he is playing at? is he interested or not? how about some straight talking? How long exactly has it been since this guy contacted you? And what did he say? You said that he contacted you after the first date, well that probably shows he is interested in you! Not all men come on real strong and call you day and night. I would think that would be a little annoying myself. If this guy is constantly calling or texting, it doesn't neccessarily mean that he isn't interested. Is one of your requirements, to have a man who will constantly dote on you, calling/texting you day and night?
KinAZ Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 While my situation isn't really the same, I'm experiencing similar feelings myself. And right now, I too am trying to weigh my options. On the one hand, I feel that if a guy knows that I'm interested and is equally interested, I shouldn't have to do too much to get him to pursue on his own. That's never been the case for me, so why start chasing now? (Unless he has a girlfriend that I don't know about, which would change the situation entirely.) On the other hand, I do know how I can be, and wonder if I didn't make myself obvious enough... thus creating that "benefit of the doubt" in my fragile mind. If you like him, I say contact him. I don't think it's "chasing" to let a guy know that you're interested or available, as long as you're not doing it continuously. Ideally, if a woman is to pursue, I say... lay most of your cards on the table, leave the ball in court, and go on your merry way. Often, when a guy isn't as eager as you assumed he might be, there's someone else in the picture. No, not necessarily a girlfriend, but a "sure thing" if you catch my meaning. If he otherwise seems interested in you, just let your interests be known and leave it up to him. And when he's not so busy with whatever/whomever happens to be occupying his time, he might try to come back around... assuming you have time for him then.
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Is this the lovebite guy? If so, (and I don't mean to be harsh here, but...) he's treating you like you're not important because just that - you're not important (YET!). You had ONE date. You can't expect his world to revolve around you after one date. Simply because other guys have texted you all day and night (which, after one date, would point to desperation) doesn't mean this guy should.
Dirk Diggler Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I have had men call me day and night - text me all day. This isnt right. So? What defines what is right when every person is different. Maybe he leads a busier schedule than you do? Maybe he's not overly dramatic like these other men with excessive texting? Maybe he's clearly just not that into you. There is infinite possibilities here. You need to get over yourself, and if you're unhappy then make a decision and act on it.
Shygirl15 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Apparently he called her few minutes after she posted this thread..:laugh:
Author so gutted Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 Is this the lovebite guy? If so, (and I don't mean to be harsh here, but...) he's treating you like you're not important because just that - you're not important (YET!). You had ONE date. You can't expect his world to revolve around you after one date. Simply because other guys have texted you all day and night (which, after one date, would point to desperation) doesn't mean this guy should. Yes its him. We met twice. He called yesterday, but it was very quick - said he was very very busy with work etc....but i dont know it takes him 4 days to make a short call and even then he says meet up at the end of the week...so im left in limbo. I dont really want to text him and say when will we meet? even for practicality purposes it doesnt feel right but nor does waiting around for his instructions.
paddington bear Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Guys never call and text me a few times a day, nor would I expect it so soon after first meeting them, after a few weeks maybe, but after meeting twice..personally I wouldn't expect more than one call a week, but that's just me. However, the dreaded 'busy' word was uttered. No one is that busy. I hate the busy word, busy is a load of b***s**t in my humble little opinion. As soon as I hear busy I hear 'not that interested really'. You're currently suffering from 'someone else is steering this ship' syndrome (just made that up, you like?) and it is infuriating, not knowing where you stand, but he's called you...so there's no problem really unless it was a 'we'll meet up sometime at the end of this week' type call. However maybe you'll get a call on Friday when he's free of work wanting to see you on Saturday. Step away from the phone so gutted...step away, right now and get out and about and do something else. Otherwise you'll go all crazy lady and when he does finally call you'll be so snotty and angry with him and he won't even know why
Author so gutted Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 On the other hand, I do know how I can be, and wonder if I didn't make myself obvious enough... thus creating that "benefit of the doubt" in my fragile mind. If you like him, I say contact him. I don't think it's "chasing" to let a guy know that you're interested or available, as long as you're not doing it continuously. Ideally, if a woman is to pursue, I say... lay most of your cards on the table, leave the ball in court, and go on your merry way. Often, when a guy isn't as eager as you assumed he might be, there's someone else in the picture. No, not necessarily a girlfriend, but a "sure thing" if you catch my meaning. If he otherwise seems interested in you, just let your interests be known and leave it up to him. And when he's not so busy with whatever/whomever happens to be occupying his time, he might try to come back around... assuming you have time for him then. Yes i think that something (other then work) is at play here. I reckon: 1) he is multiple dating 2) he wants to be "free" after his divorce 3)he does what he can get away with 4) he knows that i want more and hence he is doing the opposite.
Author so gutted Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 [. However maybe you'll get a call on Friday when he's free of work wanting to see you on Saturday. Step away from the phone so gutted...step away, right now and get out and about and do something else. Otherwise you'll go all crazy lady and when he does finally call you'll be so snotty and angry with him and he won't even know why this is exactly how i acted last time i saw him and before that i was ANGRY re the lovebites. i think he knows that he should be calling more but he isnt beacuse then he may have to commit in some way and behave...
paddington bear Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 in that case REALLY don't call him. It will just boost his ego and you might get another date, but you won't feel that the desire for it came from him and you'll feel dissatisfied and then it will just start over again
daphne Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 i think he knows that he should be calling more but he isnt beacuse then he may have to commit in some way and behave... Commit in some way after two meetings? I think you are seriously over analyzing this. And something of your post sounds a little controlling. I don't mean to be unkind, but if I were dating you and read this, I'd see a lot of red flags after 2 meetings.
KinAZ Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Commit in some way after two meetings? I think you are seriously over analyzing this. And something of your post sounds a little controlling. I don't mean to be unkind, but if I were dating you and read this, I'd see a lot of red flags after 2 meetings. I think she means that she has expectations. Believe it or not, and I can't say this is her case at all, of course, but there are people in the world who don't necessarily agree with the concept of dating multiple people. However, I think in her case... she's probably saying that this guy knows she would expect or at least desire a little regularity from him because she has a high level of interest in him. While that is of course a red flag to someone who doesn't want regularity, it's not to someone who is looking for the same things with a person mutually. Ironically, the object of my interest called and asked where I'VE been hiding. Although I haven't called at all... go figure!
Trialbyfire Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Multi-date or get out with friends, so gutted. Investing all your energy into a guy after two dates is asking for it. In doing so, he has no challenge because you'll be available and he knows it. Regardless of his feelings, think about your feelings. Time to deprioritize someone who's not even close to being available right now.
djhall Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 So gutted, I am curious. If you have had two dates with a guy, which I assume have not gone further physically than perhaps some light kissing... what level of expectation do you now have for that guy? What level of obligation do you think he should feel toward you on the basis of having gone on two dates?
xpaperxcutx Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 So_gutted, if he can't even manage to make plans with you despite being so busy, then you know that he doesn't place as much importance in you as you do him. I once dated a guy I was really attracted to, and I had thought the feeling was mutual. We would text and call each other but after our date he completely disappeared off the map. I made an attempt to ask him out but he never responded me. It was crushing, but I learned to let go. Once in a while, he imed me to tell me how he's doing but never asking how I was. I just learned that he only contacts me when he's bored and looking for someone to talk to. So I choose to block him out of my life because I don't need someone to use me. You should do the same and learn to realize that sometimes things just doesn't work out. If you place so much emphasis on one guy, you'll only end up being used and becoming embittered.
Author so gutted Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 OK this is helpful. He does manage to keep in contact but its sparadic and just enough to get by on. He doesnt even send lovey texts or include an xx at the end. We have kissed so I dont know why he is acting detached now. He just sent me a text. Another general one. I want him to like me, to contact me at least once a day, or to show some feeling. i DONT WANT TO WAIT FOR HIS CONTACT. What do i do? So far I have been good - i havnt contacted him at all. I have waited and he has contacted me. I am not excited because it isnt enough. Does this mean he has someone else? The last time we met was because i turned up - i made the effort at his demand. Now i want him to arrange for us to meet. How should i respond to his messages without looking desperate. Can I ask him why he hasnt contacted me ????
djhall Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 You might not be the only one who doesn't want to appear desperate. As a guy, I suspect many women would be turned off if after the second date I started contacting her every day with stuff more forward than, "Just wanted to say I really enjoyed our date yesterday," or "Just thought I would tell you I am looking forward to seeing you again this weekend."
Author so gutted Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 he just texted to see if i was still at work - and if i wanted to meet up. no notice .....of course im not at work at this time....i told him nicely i need a bit more notice.... how can i find out if he wants to meet tommorow? this is the worst communication ever. is he avoiding me or what??
Author so gutted Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 I think she means that she has expectations. Believe it or not, and I can't say this is her case at all, of course, but there are people in the world who don't necessarily agree with the concept of dating multiple people. However, I think in her case... she's probably saying that this guy knows she would expect or at least desire a little regularity from him because she has a high level of interest in him. While that is of course a red flag to someone who doesn't want regularity, it's not to someone who is looking for the same things with a person mutually. Ironically, the object of my interest called and asked where I'VE been hiding. Although I haven't called at all... go figure! Your right - i dont agree with multiple dating. This is exactly what happened to me i didnt call and he asked the same thjing!!!what does this mean???
Author so gutted Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 So gutted, I am curious. If you have had two dates with a guy, which I assume have not gone further physically than perhaps some light kissing... what level of expectation do you now have for that guy? What level of obligation do you think he should feel toward you on the basis of having gone on two dates? I think on the basis that we kissed etc he should be pursuing me, texting at the very least at least a few times a day. But I am getting nothing. I dont like "busy" and i do not have the inner strength to check the site again and see that he is logged in or worst still ONLINE.That really kills me. What is his game?
djhall Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 he just texted to see if i was still at work - and if i wanted to meet up. no notice .... i told him nicely i need a bit more notice... is he avoiding me or what?? Yes, you nailed it. He's avoiding you by asking you meet up while giving you so little notice that he knows you will say no and let him off the hook even though the short notice doesn't actually cause any problems for you. By telling him you need more notice and turning him down, he now knows you are really anxious to see him, but only if he perseveres and proves himself worthy. Now he will be intrigued, stop avoiding you, and pursue you with determination! (For anyone sarcasm impaired, please ignore all the above.) Have you read that book women refer to as "the rules"? Please tell me that isn't what you are doing with this guy.
katherinev87 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I've been a silent reader in most of your other threads...but HOLY girl....you need to get a grip on reality. If this guy was into you, he'd be calling more than what he's doing. Just LET IT GO!!!! Seriously, for the sake of any self-respect you may have...
djhall Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I think on the basis that we kissed etc he should be pursuing me, texting at the very least at least a few times a day. But I am getting nothing. I dont like "busy" and i do not have the inner strength to check the site again and see that he is logged in or worst still ONLINE.That really kills me. What is his game? SD - being serious here, I went out and ran a quick Google search on "dating appear desperate" and saw tons of advice like: The first several dates, try to keep things "normal" and don't talk too much about "us" or a relationship.Call once, leave a message, then do not contact them again until they return the message. Calling again makes you look desperate.Don't call for at least one day after the date unless you had sex so you don't appear to anxious to see her again.If you ask her for a date and she says no, see if a different time will work. If she says no to that too, leave her alone because she is not interested.I think what you expect is too much attention for most women to be comfortable with this early in a dating relationship and most men won't do it in order to not appear to desperate for attention. At this point in the game, he needs to appear willing to walk away if you don't encourage him to keep trying. Heck, in order to not be totally creepy, he'd better not just appear willing, he'd better BE willing to walk away.
Author so gutted Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 Yes, you nailed it. He's avoiding you by asking you meet up while giving you so little notice that he knows you will say no and let him off the hook even though the short notice doesn't actually cause any problems for you. By telling him you need more notice and turning him down, he now knows you are really anxious to see him, but only if he perseveres and proves himself worthy. Now he will be intrigued, stop avoiding you, and pursue you with determination! (For anyone sarcasm impaired, please ignore all the above.) Have you read that book women refer to as "the rules"? Please tell me that isn't what you are doing with this guy. im getting confused. what do u mean??? is he trying to avoid me or not. No im not doingthe rules - they are cr-p, impractical and for bimbos with loads of time.
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