prague_100 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 hi everyone, i'm new here, but have gotten some recommendations to check out the site...i'm having problems with my relationship and thought i would lay it all out here and see if anyone has any suggestions. this i my frist serious and long term relationship, so i'm at a loss about what to do.... here are the basics: i live abroad and my boyfriend has been my rock. he is my best friend here and i know that it would be hard to make it here without him. i've made some sacrifices moving away from the states and to prague for the sake of my career. i left my friends and family behind and came to a new place not knowing the language or any people. i met my boyfriend through my roommate and that wa 2 years ago. he actually lived in another part of the country, but about 5 months after we met he moved to where i am "because he was in love" (his words) and because he hated his job. i really do love him and can imagine my life with him forever. . . but we've had issues. there are some things that i really cannot STAND: 1. i feel like he doesn't appreciate me, 2. i hate how much pot he smokes 3. i hate how he finds drinking with his friends to be so important, so important that he has to do it more days of the week than he doesn't do it 4. his inability to spend money, even if it's on something like a date or dinner or a present for me to show his APPRECIATION. for example, i've never gotten a valentines day or anniversary gift from him even though i give him things and write him cards and all that. it's true that here valentines day isn't celebrated or commercialized as much as in the states (his excuse), but you'd think he'd at least get a card or something especially after having messed it up THE PREVIOUS YEAR. but no. nothing. he didn't even get me a christmas gift until i asked for it and by then i had to lend him the money because he's in so much debt and he still hasn't paid me back. i'm just realizing how ridiculous this is as i write it down now! i'm just pissed because i'm not rich either, and 2/3 of the time it's me who's paying for stuff and almost always me who suggests that we get dinner or go out....and i mean we don't go out much. i can probably count the amount of times we've going out in 2 years on two hands and that's it.....and then he has the nerve to get pissy with ME when i ask him for the money i lent him back or i complain that he never spends money on me. he says i'm trivial, but serioulsy, i'm just feeling a liiiiitle UNAPPRECIATED. 5. he can't seem to spend more than 2 or 3 nights with me without going back to his place....like he gets tired of being around me or something. i do have a small studio, but i don't get tired of him like that...although we are always at my place an not his... 6. he spends more time with his friends than he does with me 7. there were twhree incidents involving other girls that he claimed he was not cheating on me with. in one, some b*^ CALLED my house then called my cell, ASKING for him (he claims he doesn't know how she got my numbers, and that she was the one interested in him, he was never interested in her and that both she and her mother were always flirting with him...god this sounds even more ridiculous to me as i see it written out.) i (yes, gullible, i know) believed him and forgave him and never heard from her again). the second time was when i called his cell and some girl i don't know (not his friend who i know, not his mother or one of his sisters) answered and told me to hold on, called my boyfriends' name, asked someone where he was, then proceeded to have a conversation with some other girl who was there, called for him again and then he never came to the phone. later he told me he was a a friend's party and someone must have answered his phone that he'd left lying around. Right. OK. yes, even more ridiculous, right? so, the last incident -yes there is a 3rd- some chick calls him like 14 times on his cell while he's over my place, i look at the name on the caller id when i rings while he's in the shower and see it's a girl's name. and he tells me later when i ask that it's some girl he was supposed to bring pot and he never met up with her, so she (who happened to be an ever bigger pothead than he is) wouldn't stop calling him. man, i'm an idiot, right? yet, he tells me he loves me all the time, he's traveled to the states to meet my friends and family, and he talks about our future together, and when he's got the money, he doesn't mind spending it on things for us to do together but the biggest problem is this: last year, i found out he was selling small amounts of pot . i told him to stop and that we'd bad to break up if he didn't. this is also when i told him i wanted him to stop smoking all the time. i'm really morally opposed to selling drugs (even small amounts and even pot) because i just have had such negative childhood experiences with drugs involving my parents)...anyway, he said he'll stop selling for sure and try to slow down with the smoking. the slowing down didn't really happen ( i mean what did i expect, all his friends smoke and he has the same friends)...but even worse: THEN a few nights ago i find out he's selling stupid pot again, which he was telling me this whole time that he had stopped doing. basically he's been LYING to me for a year. lying is one of the few things i can't tolerate. so i told him i want a break and i want him to think about if he can change, stop selling, you know? and he's all like "i'm not going to change for anyone...blah blah, i don't have any money , i have to do it" all lies because he has a job, even though it's not terrific, he's paying off the debts slowly, he doesn't HAVE to sell his stupid pot, he's just all into the idea that he'll forever be a guy from the ghetto who has to do this because "that's the way it is". i hope i'm making sense..... anyway, i tell him about how i can't trust him anymore and that basically we're at 0 in the trust department.: i trust him no more than than some dude off the street (which is true; i have a lot of trust issues and just when i started to trust him for real-you see how i believed all the nonsense excuses with the girls that he gave me-he tells me he lied. so yea, i basically believe nothing he says now) anyway, he keeps saying the ball is in my court, i have to tell him what i want. he doesn't want a non-serious relationship (which is what i suggested we do if he insists on putting himself above me ALWAYS and selling his stupid pot and smoking all the time). but then he turns around and says that he doesn't want to change. so, what's happening now. i just want to give him the time to think about whether or not this relationship is worth it for him to change. i mean it's not like it would only do me good, it would obviously be best for him, too. ug. i'm supposed to call him later to explain better (there is still a slight language barrier since he doesn't speak english and czech is not my first language obviously). so, after that long explanation i have two questions for you all: 1. SHOULD THIS BREAK BE NC? FOR HOW LONG IS A"BREAK" ANYWAY? UNTIL HE CAN GIVE ME AN ANSWER? 2. SHOULD I JUST FORGET ABOUT THIS GUY AND REALIZE THAT IT'S NOT WORTH IT, ESPECIALLY SINCE I'M NOT SURE I CAN EVER TRUST HIM AGAIN AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE I CAN TRUST WHAT HE'S SAID TO ME IN THE PAST NOW THAT I KNOW HE'S BEEN LYING? (what else has he lied about, you know?) i'd love it if we could work this out because i love him and i want him by me especially since i feel so alone here sometimes and we get along really well and i enjoy being around him....but it is time to just call it quits when someone oftentimes makes you feel like you're really not worth it? and when you can't trust them?
BCCA Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 SHOULD I JUST FORGET ABOUT THIS GUY AND REALIZE THAT IT'S NOT WORTH IT, ESPECIALLY SINCE I'M NOT SURE I CAN EVER TRUST HIM AGAIN AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE I CAN TRUST WHAT HE'S SAID TO ME IN THE PAST NOW THAT I KNOW HE'S BEEN LYING? (what else has he lied about, you know?) YES!!! He's shown you no respect, consideration, appreciation, or honesty. I've been broke a few times in my life, but I would do whatever I had to to get my gf SOMETHING for holidays. Even if you think valentines is commercial, at least make some dinner or get your girl some flowers. He's basically told you "Im always going to be the same insensitive stoner and not care about what you want". He has no intentions on changing, and it sounds like what hes been doing behind your back is pretty bad (selling drugs and possibly cheating). I know this hurts, but he doesnt value you at all. You're wasting your time with this guy. He's done nothing to show he cares at all. Who cares what he says, his actions speak loud enough. Let this one go. You'll be much happier you did.
verve Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 From reading yoru post its obvious you're not happy in the relationship, you've come on here looking for validation for feeling how you're feeling. Ultimatley its upto you what you do although judging from what I've read, you could defaintley do better and he's certainly not meeting you half way in the relationship.
gd26 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 You have so many reasons to break up with him, it's not even funny. Your relationship is totally unbalanced with you putting in all the effort.... and him doing nothing except using you as a convenience. A relationship doesn't work unless BOTH people are totally invested.... it's not one-sided. Nagging him to do his part obviously won't work, as if he really wanted to, he would have. The only thing you can do is break up with him and not look back. Reflect on why you are still hanging on to him. Are you afraid to be alone? Do you feel like having a lousy boyfriend is better than having no boyfriend at all? I understand these feelings. However, if you look at things clearly, he's obviously not the 'one' for you. So you are just hanging in there with him, while you could instead be doing nice things for yourself and keeping yourself open to someone who is truly right for you... and would love to do all kinds of nice things for you, treat you with love and kindness, give you special gifts etc. Ditch the jerks and keep yourself open for someone who will truly love you as you deserve. Seriously.... years later when you are married to an amazing man who adores you, you'll wonder why you spent so much of your life with this guy who couldn't care less.
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