Star Gazer Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 You don't need proof that he cheated. You already have proof that he's not the right guy for you, and you already have proof that you're often very unhappy. Brilliantly stated. No more words are necessary... except these: I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sucks!!!
Prodigal Princess Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 You don't need proof that he cheated. You already have proof that he's not the right guy for you, and you already have proof that you're often very unhappy. Exactly. You're in shock at the moment, you poor thing, but I hope once that subsides you find the courage to kiss his arse to the kerb.
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I agree 100% with NJ, bottomline the guy seems to WANT to spend more time with his buddy's than being with you. His actions have shown this and it seems he's reverted backwards instead of growing up and being a man. Sorry you're in pain and your bf has put this onto you.
signedin2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I think you're betraying yourself by being in denial. You're ignoring your intuition and what your heart and mind is telling you. You know that he is unfaithful and you know that when the opportunity is right, he will cheat on you in a heart beat. With that being said, I think you're not strong enough to stand up for yourself and leave. He will be much more careful next time to ensure you won't find out.
Author GrnEyedGemini Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 Ok...we talked. We argued. We fought. And I did not back down. Ya'll should be proud of me for that fact!!! I stood my ground with how in the wrong he was. I stood up to him and did not get sucked in when he tried to deflect the attention off of his actions onto things I do. I kept my head straight and my thoughts in line. I had taken some time to do alot of thinking. And, I spoke to W...the friend of the friend whom he called and asked out. We had a really interesting discussion. She told me everything that was said that night in the garage. She told me everything that the other girl had told her. She told me everything my bf said. Then, I went home and confronted him. I told him, that if there was any chance of us working things out after all of his BS, then he has to be completely honest about everything...because "I know more than you think I do." And to my surprise....he did. I know because I found out the truth before talking to him. And not just from W. Others knew as well and shared with me what they knew. On to the text messages, I looked in his phone yesterday (without him knowing...he went to the potty) and there were texts from paul apologizing for causing problems. My bf text back that it wasn't his fault at all...that it was all his fault because he should never have replied that way. Which is what he told me last night after we got through discussing the other girl thing and moved on to this. He apologized and took responsibility for what he said. He said he really didn't, at the time, find anything wrong with joking around with his close friend like he did. But after I flipped out and turned it around on him, ya know the hypothetical situation where "what if I had sent messages to my friend saying to have her hot friend come by so we could hook up...how would you react?", his tuned changed and he really seemed completely beaten, so to speak. Not to mention a whole day of worrying if I was gonna kick his ass out of the house and my life. Because I really was to that point when I blew up on him. However, because of this....we have finally opened up and talked about the problems we have and what we feel is causing them. We talked about how neither of us are really happy, but still completely love each other and don't want to be without each other. Being unhappy can make you do some really stupid things just to see if it will make you happy. Unknowingly, until yesterday, I realized I was staking all of my happiness in being with him, so when he does something wrong, I harp on it because I'm unhappy and feel that what he did made me unhappy. When really, I am just unhappy with myself, but try to deflect it onto him. In addition, he is unhappy for his own reasons, but take it out on me in the form of looking for the opportunity to find something(or someone) else to make him happy, because he too is looking for me to make him happy. Our solution: He is moving out. Temporarily. At least three months. Could be more if it is required to make this work. I think we need to get back intouch with ourselves and what makes us each happy before we can be happy together. Which of course, is not cool, because I don't trust him very much at the moment. I think the trust can be earned back though. He just has to prove himself trustworthy. My solution: No more guys nights. Told him that if his guys nights are so important to him that he isn't willing to give them up to work on the trust issues he caused, then our relationship means **** to him and I want out. If he goes out to a bar or club, he HAS to bring me along. When he goes somewhere, (not work and the sort, of course) like a friend's house or whatnot, then he must let me know where he is going, who is going to be there, and when he leaves and goes somewhere else, he must tell me. And I just might make a little visit to make sure. And if he tells the truth then he won't have to worry about me showing up and him not being there. I know some of you may say that my solution is juvenille or whatever, but I don't care. That is what is going to work for me to trust him again. I don't believe he has cheated on me. I think he had the intentions just not the opportunity (luckily for him), but I also believe they stem from problems within our relationship. However, one more **** up like these and we're through. Told him that exactly. I will not knowingly be in a relationship like that. Having said all of this, I want to thank all of you who replied and gave me support. That really is why I told you guys. I was freaking out and needed to talk about it. In addition, finding LS has taught me alot about relationships and communication. I really believe that its because of this community that I was able to open my eyes to see how unhappy I really am and to know that just because this has happened doesn't mean that we can't work on things and stay together. With both of us working on ourselves to make ourselves happy, I really don't believe I have to worry about him looking elsewhere because he really does love me and I really do love him. I know he doesn't intentionally want to hurt me as I do not him. Major mistakes within relationships usually stem from deeper problems. If you can recognize the problems, you can work on the problems. And this is the approach I have decided to take. Again....THANK YOU!!!
porter218 Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 "I know more than you think I do." This statement alone is one of the best weapons in a situation like this. I know I have used it before...in exactly those words.
Ronni_W Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I know some of you may say that my solution is juvenille or whatever, but I don't care. Well done, GEG!!! I'm glad that you are proud of you...and so I'm proud of you, too! It's great that you two have reached a place where you can now both start working on really improving things -- and it is totally, 100%, all about what will work for you, and not how anyone else may judge the steps you feel are necessary, and are taking. It's unfortunate about the temporary separation...(((hugs)))...but it does seem like that is for the long-term best interest. Wishing you (both) a successful reconnection, and many happy years ahead. Ronni
Author GrnEyedGemini Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 This statement alone is one of the best weapons in a situation like this. I know I have used it before...in exactly those words. Lol, yeah...I'll never forget the expression on his face when I said it. Ronni: Thank you. Really. I figured people would be jumping on me because I am not ready to give up, despite his repeat mistakes and lies. And i rally feel like I am handling this in a way that will eventually lead to happiness for both of us. I know that he loves me. That was never the question. And I want to keep that love. People makes mistakes. Trust is broken. But...it can be rebuilt. I'm not looking forward to being left alone in my house. We're going back to the "dating" thing. The thought of that is exciting though! Maybe we can find that spark that happens in the beginning again while learning more about each other in a deeper sense.
porter218 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I'm not looking forward to being left alone in my house. We're going back to the "dating" thing. The thought of that is exciting though! Maybe we can find that spark that happens in the beginning again while learning more about each other in a deeper sense. Separating like that can be what saves your relationship. It will help you find yourself again. I could never judge someone for fighting for their love.. It just means you really love them. I imagine that it is a horrible thing to always wonder if you had just tried a little harder would it have worked. People make mistakes and sometimes they loose sight of what is important to them. Living separate like that you will have a chance to think clearly about whether you really still want him or not and vice versa. Best of luck to you.
Rush3041 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Oh, honey. I'm so sorry! But he asked his friend to call the girl that his friend said they could both "do." It sounds convincingly like he f's around on you. That's not the worst part. The worst part is the friend saying, "Yeah, I know you've been looking for some strange for a while." Even if he's just talking Sh*t with his friends, that's just as bad. WHo does he care more about, his friends or her. I would never disrespect a GF or wife by trying to act like a pimp with my friends. If you can't take a little "you are whipped" talk from your friends, you are a spineless wimp. heck, when my friends said that, I just shot back with comments of my own. If they are single, I say something like, "At least one of us can actually get a woman. Sure yu aren't gay or something? And start laughing. Anyway, just fie off a good line that lets them know that you aren't an easy target. If you aren't fast on your feet, then don't try to trade mock insults, you'll only do more damage. In that instance, I would just say something like "Hey, I do love my girl and care about her feelings and I'm not going to apologize for it." With a comment like this, if you do it in an unapologetic way, you come across as strong in your conviction and you will gain your friends respect even if they still like to rib you about it. Heck, that's what friends do, they rib each other, but at the same time, they will respect you for being faithful to your girl and they will respect you for being a man in the way you handled them. Yeah they may act differently but that doesn't change the reality. People do still reespect people who are strong in their convictions. SO anyway, my point is that your BF is either a jerk, immture, or just plain not in love with you enough to be worth your time. If I were you, I would set the precedent for the rest of your life. Demand to be respected and if they can't respect you, then they aren't the right guy for you. That doesn't mean act like a B*tch. I can't stand how some women think it's a badge of honor to act like a B. They think it means they are a strong woman. No, it makes you just like a man who acts callous and selfish and like a bully. It makes you an AH. Being strong means respecting yourself and those you care about enough to have strong morals and stick by them. That works just as good if not better for a woman when she actually acts feminine, kind, caring, etc... Like the old saying goes, you attract more flies with honey than vinegar. Which means you are bound to get the result you are looking for more often by being kind.
sweet&simple Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I'm sort of confused.. so basically you got the proof you needed, he was planning on cheating on you but lacked the opportunity so instead of doing what you need to do [break up with him] you're sticking around? Sounds like a dog to me.. he lied to your face, went behind your back, and probably would have gone through with it if he had the opportunity and didn't have you breathing down his neck. I guess my biggest issue with you wanting to stick around [i realize this is your choice but I'm offering a different perspective here] is that you're playing babysitter. He can't go out with his friends, and if he wants to keep his friends you need to be present. Do you really think you'll ever feel comfortable with him going out with these guys to bars alone again?
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