I am completely blown away.

[GrnEyedGemini]

I am completely at a loss for words for how I feel. I cannot believe I am having to write this because a few days ago I was talking about how great my relationship was. Apparently I was completely blind to what was really going on. Or...I am jumping to conclusions.

 

My bf and I were fighting all weekend long because of his guys nights outnumbering dates with me. I felt like his friends were more important. Little did I know I was way off base.

 

I had a feeling that there was something not right when he came home last night at 9 and went to bed a 9:45. He hardly ever goes to bed that early. So, I looked through his text messages and was floored by what I found. He was texting about 7:30 p.m. with his friend Paul as follows:

 

Paul: Hey man you should have stayed longer last night. A b1tch came by that we both could have ****ed.

 

BF: call her back tonight for real

 

Paul: yeah i know you been looking for some strange for a while

 

BF: call ur girl

 

Paul: k

 

OMG!!!!!!!! What the hell would you think? I woke him up and asked him if he has ever cheated on me. His reaction was to say "I don't know what your talking about! Where did this come from?" like he was totally surprised, but not. He didn't say no right off the bat like I expected if he really didn't. He got around to saying no, but I don't believe him. This isn't the first time I've had an incling that something was going on, but I didn't want to believe it so I pushed it to the back of my mind. But I can't ignore this. It's too blatant.

 

Not to mention, I just found out today that last year when we were having problems, he called one of our friends' friend and asked her out to lunch. And he lied to me about it completely. I caught him and our friend talking secretly in their garage last year. When I asked why he and she did that, he told me that they were talking about our problems. Led to huge problems between me and the friend...let me believe she stuck her nose in our relationship for over a year now, when actually, she was jumping his ass for persuing her friend when he was still with me.

 

What the hell do I do? Am i jumping to conclusions? I am so hurt and confused I don't know what is what in my mind.

[Trialbyfire]

I would be jumping to the same conclusions as you are doing. The text messages are damning.

 

I'm so sorry to hear this, especially after your recent discovery.

[GrnEyedGemini]

I would be jumping to the same conclusions as you are doing. The text messages are damning.

 

I'm so sorry to hear this, especially after your recent discovery.

 

 

 

I am completely heartbroken. I cried so much last night my eyes were swollen this morning, lol. He won't come out and admit it. And I have no proof. He says the text messages were him just talking **** to his friend. I don't see it that way. Why say those things if you weren't planning on doing it?

 

I just asked him bout the thing with calling the other girl and he made it out like it was no big deal.

 

I love this piece of crap man so damn much. My mind understands what is going on and tells me to boot his ass outta the house now. But my heart wants to hang on and see if we can work it out. I feel so stupid...but I love him so much. Ug. I feel like I am caught up in a whirlwind.

[whichwayisup]

Tell him that you're going to go get tested and he better pray he hasn't given you an STD.

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Your boyfriend is a jerk!

[whichwayisup]

A b1tch came by that we both could have ****ed.

 

And the other thing is, whoever his friend is, certainly doesn't have respect for women in general. This friend of his shouldn't be flaunting other women, making offers when HE knows that his friend has a girlfriend already. I don't think it's a joke...I re-read your thread and I have to ask, when you were upset and crying ,was he comforting you or did he leave you alone?

[GrnEyedGemini]

I never knew it was possible to love someone the way I love him. And for him to do this to me is so devistating. He keeps coming at me with excuse after excuse and I want to believe him just to be happy again....but I know they will never be that trust ever again. My heart wants to believe him, but all my head hears is lie after lie after lie.

[Trialbyfire]

I've been cheated on before, as well, so I do understand what you're feeling. ((GEG))

 

I hope this is a mistake but I wouldn't bank on it.

 

Tell him to give you his email sign-on and password. If he refuses or refuses to do so immediately, he's hiding something. Even if he gives it to you, he might still be hiding something through another email address.

[GrnEyedGemini]

And the other thing is, whoever his friend is, certainly doesn't have respect for women in general. This friend of his shouldn't be flaunting other women, making offers when HE knows that his friend has a girlfriend already. I don't think it's a joke...I re-read your thread and I have to ask, when you were upset and crying ,was he comforting you or did he leave you alone?

 

 

 

No comforting really. Just really was adament on denying.

[Trialbyfire]

Tell him that you're going to go get tested and he better pray he hasn't given you an STD.

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Your boyfriend is a jerk!

She recently discovered she does have some form of genital warts, prognosis unknown, as of yet.

[GrnEyedGemini]

I've been cheated on before, as well, so I do understand what you're feeling. ((GEG))

 

I hope this is a mistake but I wouldn't bank on it.

 

Tell him to give you his email sign-on and password. If he refuses or refuses to do so immediately, he's hiding something. Even if he gives it to you, he might still be hiding something through another email address.

 

 

He doesn't have access to the internet. I do because of where I work. He is a laborer so he doesn't.

[whichwayisup]

No comforting really. Just really was adament on denying.

 

Then go stay at friends house or a family members house for afew days so you can think things through, and get space away from him.

 

If he truly didn't do anything wrong then he WOULD be comforting you, proving to you that he hasn't - giving you access to his email, calling his friend so you could talk to the guy - Instead, he's denying it.

[GrnEyedGemini]

Then go stay at friends house or a family members house for afew days so you can think things through, and get space away from him.

 

If he truly didn't do anything wrong then he WOULD be comforting you, proving to you that he hasn't - giving you access to his email, calling his friend so you could talk to the guy - Instead, he's denying it.

 

 

 

His friends would be no help. They are single therefore they see me as the enemy for stopping their every night partying with him when we first got together. I believe his friends would even encourage it. Well, hell...Paul did.

[Ronni_W]

Paul: yeah i know you been looking for some strange for a while

Well...that isn't 100% proof that he HAS cheated (or maybe it just means "not in the recent past"?) I'm thinking 'paul' would know if it's a recent, frequent or on-going thing...but if it was, he likely would have used some different type of wording (???)

 

But one cannot get around the fact that he has "been looking" and "for a while" -- and that sucks a lot. (((hugs)))

[GrnEyedGemini]

Well...that isn't 100% proof that he HAS cheated (or maybe it just means "not in the recent past"?) I'm thinking 'paul' would know if it's a recent, frequent or on-going thing...but if it was, he likely would have used some different type of wording (???)

 

But one cannot get around the fact that he has "been looking" and "for a while" -- and that sucks a lot. (((hugs)))

 

 

 

Thats why I am having problems. I'd leave him in a heartbeat if I had proof he cheated. But all I have to go on is the text messages and what one other person said. I mean, he has finally admitted a few minutes ago (we are texting) about the calling the other girl behind my back thing, but only after I told him I knew and told him her name. He is making out like he has done nothing really that wrong and that I'm over reacting.

[Ronni_W]

He is making out like he has done nothing really that wrong and that I'm over reacting.

Personally, I don't think you are over-reacting.

Your b/f told at least one other person that he is "looking" for someone different with whom to have sex. If paul had somehow misinterpreted whatever b/f said that got paul to "wrongly" think that, then b/f likely would have texted back more along the lines of, "wtf you talkin' about?" -- no?

 

But, speaking for myself, when a good friend or an acquaintance tells me that I "been looking for a while"...it's only because that's what I told them. And, if I am in a committed relationship and they got such a thing wrong, darn right I'd set them straight every time and no matter what..."just gals talking" would be BS, if I said it under these circumstances.

 

Stick to your guns about the fact that it is NOT an over-reaction on your part. He seems to have moved from denial to deflection..and that usually only happens when we KNOW we done wrong, and we got caught. (((More hugs)))

[GrnEyedGemini]

Stick to your guns about the fact that it is NOT an over-reaction on your part. He seems to have moved from denial to deflection..and that usually only happens when we KNOW we done wrong, and we got caught. (((More hugs)))

 

Thanks...I need the hugs. I haven't told anyone but my two closest friends and we can't talk really cuz we are all at work!

 

Yeah, I told him to quit turning it around on me...that it ain't gonna work this time. I know I have not done one thing wrong. I sit my butt at home while he's out with his stupid-ass friends, taking care of his bills and his messes and his laundry. I cook for him nearly everynight. For him to do this...and then to try to deflect off on me? Seems like this should be a no-brainer for me, but its not. Ug...freakin emotions.

[melodymatters]

Whether he has yet cheated, seems pointless to me. What IS glaringly obvious is that he WOULD, given the opportunity, which is grounds enough for ME to tell him to take a hike.

 

So sorry about your pain !

[Ronni_W]

Seems like this should be a no-brainer for me, but its not.

I think sometimes it's that the PureHell shock of it sort of prevents any use of brain cells, one way or the other.

Bad...can't make a functional decision; Good...can't make a dysfunctional one, either

 

Take all the time you need, and ultimately you will arrive at the wisest and best course for your own highest interests. Sorry you are going through this.

[porter218]

Whether he has yet cheated, seems pointless to me. What IS glaringly obvious is that he WOULD, given the opportunity, which is grounds enough for ME to tell him to take a hike.

 

So sorry about your pain !

I couldn't have said it better. Run for the hills, this will only get worse.

[GrnEyedGemini]

We just got into a huge argument. He still refuses to see the wrong in what he's done...and is still trying to deflect off onto the fact that I've been hounding him for quality time instead of him spending time with his guys. He is throwing a HUGE fit because I am so upset about this.

 

I text him this:

U know what. I'm just gonna ask you flat out. Do you want to stay together or break up? Not moving out...break up or stay together. Cuz sorry, but I don't trust you to live without me and not mess around. We stay together and things are going to change. U need to decide what u want. U want to play the filed and **** a couple more sluts, fine, leave. But if u want to continue a life with me and be COMPLETELY honest and faithful, then u need to reevaluate what a relationship and love means to u. U need to pull ur head out of your ass and start being more responsible about ur actions and quit all the excuses. And...I go with you everywhere til I trust u again.

 

He was pissed! He didn't want to give up his guys nites, regardless of the fact that he has totally ****ed up. I told him that if giving up his guys nites and working on the trust issues was not gonna work for him, then apparently our relationship doesn't mean **** to him. He keeps throwing in my face that I "keep b1tching at him for one thing or another." And I don't I keep my mouth shut on tons of **** that he does that pisses me off. I've learned to pick my battles. The one thing I b1tch about on a regular basis is that he finds it is more important to have a guys nite than to take me out. He has more guys nites than we ever have dates. (Yes, we live together. But still.) I've been with this man for three years. The first two were great. Then we started having problems because he keeps ****ing up! I know that sounds one-sided and that no one is perfect...but really! We fight because he does insensitive bull**** all the time! He lies, then acts as if it was no big deal. He'll work all week til late, then when Saturday rolls around he goes out with his stupid guy friends. Like bringing home a paycheck is supposed to be enough.

 

That is totally besides the point anyhow!!!!!

 

He's a liar that doesn't want to fess up to how much he is ****ing up.

[porter218]

GEG, no big loss. All you have lost is a cheater. He may not have been caught with his pants down, but you caught him non the less.

[Trialbyfire]

GEG, the denial and offensive, defense, compounded by outright lies, is standard practice for someone cheating. It's called gaslighting. Those of us that have been cheated on, have experienced this full force. Unless he gets to the acceptance and remorse stage, he's not much good for anything. This time is far worse than the actual cheating itself.

 

For your own good, try not to let it rip you apart if you can. If I were close enough, I would give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on. More cyber hugs baby. ((GEG))

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you'll be a lot better off without him.

[Kamille]

I'm just so sorry for you.

 

((GEG))

 

And so angry at him!

[norajane]

You don't need proof that he cheated. You already have proof that he's not the right guy for you, and you already have proof that you're often very unhappy.