darnay Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Hey I just need some advice from you guys.. I was dumped by my partner about 3 weeks ago. We had been together for two years, last September he broke up with me saying that he didn't love me and was still in love with his ex. After three months apart he begged me to come back to him, said he's made a huge mistake and that he realised he loved me. He has spent the last 7 months convincing me, his family and our friends that he loved me only to break the news three weeks ago that he had made anothe mistake, wished he'd never contacted me again in January and that he never really ever loved me. I have been absolutely gutted. He said he wanted to be friends with me, and has been intouch by text, through facebook etc at irregular intervals. I've found it really difficult cus i still love him, but obviously he doesnt love me. He tells me what he's doing, going out and how his new friends are looking after him, and i just feel like i'm dying.... I have been low enough as it is cus i had major surgery on my back 6 weeks ago, and i was only just recovering and walking again when he decided to dump me. How can someone tell so many lies and act the way he has - he was only talking about a civil partnership before i went in for surgery. Anyway, I keep trying the no contact route but crumbling after a few days. He's also told me i have got to keep the key i had for his apartment. I feel like he is ony doing this just in case his new life fails and i become plan B again for him....
BCCA Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Oh wow, you poor thing! That is a terrible way to treat some one. Dont let his selfishness cause you any more grief. He's obviously only thinking about himself, and hasnt bothered to worry about how his actions have effected you. Mail him the key to his place back, and cast this person out of your life FOR GOOD! He's already been given two chances, and he used both of them to prove what a rotten person he really is. You cant trust him and he obviously doesnt deserve your love. Im sorry you had to go through this, but dont let him keep hurting you. Go no contact, and stick to it. Youll feel better in the long run, even if you have some rough days over the next month or two. Take care.
chacha7 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 You already know what he is doing to you (putting you on hold to see if he could do better and then coming back to you when he can't), so just remember how bad he has treated you and go NC. Come on this site when you feel like you can't do it or are just thinking about him and it will help you. Don't let him play with your heart and make you look like a fool in front of your friends and family. He is not worth it and you deserve better! Good luck!
foxh1234 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Hey I just need some advice from you guys.. I was dumped by my partner about 3 weeks ago. We had been together for two years, last September he broke up with me saying that he didn't love me and was still in love with his ex. After three months apart he begged me to come back to him, said he's made a huge mistake and that he realised he loved me. He has spent the last 7 months convincing me, his family and our friends that he loved me only to break the news three weeks ago that he had made anothe mistake, wished he'd never contacted me again in January and that he never really ever loved me. I have been absolutely gutted. He said he wanted to be friends with me, and has been intouch by text, through facebook etc at irregular intervals. I've found it really difficult cus i still love him, but obviously he doesnt love me. He tells me what he's doing, going out and how his new friends are looking after him, and i just feel like i'm dying.... I have been low enough as it is cus i had major surgery on my back 6 weeks ago, and i was only just recovering and walking again when he decided to dump me. How can someone tell so many lies and act the way he has - he was only talking about a civil partnership before i went in for surgery. Anyway, I keep trying the no contact route but crumbling after a few days. He's also told me i have got to keep the key i had for his apartment. I feel like he is ony doing this just in case his new life fails and i become plan B again for him.... Do you go no contact ? 100% yes.
Author darnay Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 Thanks guys, I have made a decision to go no contact, and haven't text him or had any contact for 24 hours now. I know it'll be hard because this guy was my best friend as well as my partner, and over the last two years I have helped him put his business back together and supported him as he sorted out his head and the financial mess left by his partnership with his previous ex, who I know he still loves but can't have. It just seems as soon as he is starting to get settled and everything is finally going okay with his life, he dumps me. Since he dumped me I know he has been crying to our mutual friends saying his previous ex has ruined his life and in the process is the real one to blame for breaking us up and for him treating me as he has. He has said and he is basically the victim in all of this, and our mutual friends have totally bought it. He's even been calling me threatening suicide one day then telling me he is going out with his new friends the next. I seriously think one of us must be mad as cheese! Should I enclose a letter with the keys or just send them back with no note?
Author darnay Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 I am two days NC now, and my god it is difficult, especially with so called mutual friends asking if i've spoken to him etc. I wish i had been strong enough to go NC from the moment he dumped me 3 weeks ago, i would've been further down the line by now!
sedgwick Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I know it'll be hard because this guy was my best friend as well as my partner, That's the toughest part, for sure. It really sucks to lose the person to whom you told everything, the person you trusted with your secrets, the one you thought would always be there to listen to you and comfort you. But in your case it sounds like this guy really didn't have his head or his life together. His indecision had nothing to do with you, it had to do with him not knowing who he really is or what he wants. What a sad position to be in! I know it doesn't seem this way to you now, but the fact that you were the stable one who was able to love him through what sound like major issues makes you the winner. It shows that you have your sh*t together and know what you want, and the same can't be said for your ex. You deserve someone who has your same level of stability and maturity, and when you find that person you'll wonder what you ever saw in your ex.
Author darnay Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 I think you are probably right Sedgwick. He is immature and doesnt know what he wants. I once asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted it all. It's almost like he has never grown up. I also know he was using various websites chatting to guys and swapping photographs and arranging to meet them he said as friends, which made me feel so insecure. I never want to feel that way again, and never will...
sedgwick Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 How old is he? He sounds like he's still going through his "young and stupid" phase. And if he's not young, he's definitely still stupid. Basically it just sounds like he has no idea how to behave in a relationship, and as such, is not ready for one. Also, I hope you're recovering nicely from your surgery!
Author darnay Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 He's 38 but has never really grown up, and his new friends are much the same. They are all late 30's and early 40's but act like kids, and are so immature in relationships. I had to do everything for him, he seemed incapable of coping with life, and i suspect that's why his ex ended up running off with someone else too.
Author darnay Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 I have been no contact for a week now, and i've cancelled my Facebook membership, erased my gaydar profile and blocked the ex from my MSN. I have erased his friends from my mobile phone and some of the mutual friends who have favoured him. It hurts like hell but i refuse to have him impact on my life anymore and i refuse to do the stalker behaviour anymore and keep checking to see what he is doing.. I've packed up the last of his things, his keys etc and taken them to a mutual friend who will deliver them to him today. No I just need to start feeling human again.
sultry33 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 I have been no contact for a week now, and i've cancelled my Facebook membership, erased my gaydar profile and blocked the ex from my MSN. I have erased his friends from my mobile phone and some of the mutual friends who have favoured him. It hurts like hell but i refuse to have him impact on my life anymore and i refuse to do the stalker behaviour anymore and keep checking to see what he is doing.. I've packed up the last of his things, his keys etc and taken them to a mutual friend who will deliver them to him today. No I just need to start feeling human again. you will get there, your doing great keep at it.. its tough in the begining but believe me it gets better im starting nc 2nd time around;)
Author darnay Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 I feel terrible today. Completely empty and missing him like hell. I'm 7 days no contact and although I have no intention of contacting him I miss him like hell. I didn't sleep last night and spent practically all night lying in bed going over and over recent events. I tried to switch off but just couldn't. It has been over 4 weeks now and although i've stopped crying as much i'm still very very low and very very lonely. Becoming comfortable in my own skin again is difficult and moving on feels impossible.. I just want to run away and hide from everyone. I'm finding i'm making excuses not to meet my friends and am just cutting myself off cus i need time to heal.
Author darnay Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 Had a bit of a lapse last night and checked his facebook profile. I was gutted to see that he is saying he is "feeling fabulous" and is "happy now he's moving on". I have now decided after 10 days NC that i need some extreme measures to get this man out of my head and my life. So far I have blocked him on MSN, erased my facebook profile, erased my gaydar profile, changed my mobile phone number cus i couldnt block him on my Motorola phone, and have made sure if he tries to email me it will be bounced back to him....I've also erased the mutual friends who have been eager to contact me and drop new items about him into conversation. I have culled half of my phonebook cus I know these people arent really my friends. I have blocked all the sites that I know he uses. I don't need to know what he is doing or who he is seeing, it just makes life even more worse and also delays my progress in getting through this dark period.
Author darnay Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 Been NC for some three weeks now, and it has been hard.. I've had a few wobbles but I was kinda coping with it until i spoke to a mutual friend on MSN last night. He dropped into the conversation that he had bumped into my ex. Apparently my ex asked about me and also asked to be remembered to me! Remembered to me? Like i'm some long lost friend or something and not the guy he unceremoniously dumped (twice) during a two year relationship. Apparently my ex also said he got the keys and some other stuff I sent back to him and he wanted to call me, but decided against it.. It was just hellish hearing information about him and hearing that he'd asked about me was like a thump in the stomach...
9Lives Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Been NC for some three weeks now, and it has been hard.. I've had a few wobbles but I was kinda coping with it until i spoke to a mutual friend on MSN last night. He dropped into the conversation that he had bumped into my ex. Apparently my ex asked about me and also asked to be remembered to me! Remembered to me? Like i'm some long lost friend or something and not the guy he unceremoniously dumped (twice) during a two year relationship. Apparently my ex also said he got the keys and some other stuff I sent back to him and he wanted to call me, but decided against it.. It was just hellish hearing information about him and hearing that he'd asked about me was like a thump in the stomach... i think you are putting yourself thru pure hell every time you try to find out what he is doing. Why do you keep checking on him? Focus your energy on you Darnay. Then you will feel better. Just try to think he is not coming back. If he wants to talk to you...he knows what to do.
Author darnay Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Been no contact for some 7 weeks now, and have heard nothing from my ex with the exception of things so called mutual friends have told me about him sleeping around and drinking heavily. Last night at 11.20pm i get an email from him saying he hopes i'm doing okay, he had heard from a mutual friend that i was having problems with my back again since my operation and hoped all was well. Then he went on to say that he was much better, coping better and feeling brighter, ad that he was finally seeing a counsellor to sort his head out. He asked me not to say anything to anyone about that and then just signed off with all his best wishes.. What was all that about? Every bone in my body wanted to text him back immediately or send him an email but i have so far sat on my hands fearing it will jusr reopen old wounds.. I've been really not good for the last month, think the breakup and the problems i have had after my back operation have finally hit me and i'm now talking antidepressants and going to see a counsellor myself. What do you guys think?
Author darnay Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 I've been NC for some considerable time now, although I have heard from so called mutual friends what my ex is doing and whom he is seeing. They have this nasty habit of dropping comments into conversations and I guess in the early days I was guilty of steering conversations around to him.. Anyway in light of this i've practically cut all contact with my our mutual friends, most of which were originally his friends anyway. I had a random email from my ex which i read and then deleted last week. In it he said he's spoken to a mutual friend and she had said how good I was doing (wtf?). I was annoyed because I trusted this friend not to speak to my ex about me at all. I had told her how i wanted to disappear from his life, but despite that it seems she has spoken to him about me. The mutual friend has since emailed and text me a couple of times since and i've ignored her completely. I just don't know how mutual friends work when you are NC. I have MY friends, who have always been MY friends, and i trust, but i'm thinking the friends we shared and his friends I got to know over the 2years+ are pretty much jettisoned from my life now.
fabulousgal Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 well. dealing with mutual friends are hard. stick to your friends for awhile, as MOST people unless they are very good friends to you won't pick sides and will gossip inbetween...... I hope you are feeling better, your ex sounds like drama, and you will get through this.
Lishy Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 You are doing so well Darnay, I am proud of you!!! This is hard but you are doing it - Also, dont get mad at your mutual friend, she did the best thing possible and told your ex you are fine, that is the biggest slap in the face for your ex and you should be thanking her, not ignoring her! You sound like a lovely man and I know you will be fine.
scoutg Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 I'm so sorry to say this, but as an outsider - it sounds like he's yanking your chain. From your posts, you sound pretty mature and emotionally intelligent - I'm certain that you can do MUCH better than this fool. Let him fritter his life away - focus on moving forward and invest in yourself and move on. DONT look at his facebook or anything else again!! For heaven's sake - he's probably tailoring his posts for your eyes - reading that is just playing his sick and twisted game. Best of luck - NO CONTACT!!!
lofi_tokyo Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 I don't know very much about the mutual friends issue, because my ex didn't have many friends aside from family, who obviously after the breakup, went with him. What I can say is its amazing you've been doing NC for so long! Thats great! I'm sorry mutual friends keep hurting you with info you don't need. Thats terrible. I hope you can start feeling better soon, because your ex really sounds really emotionally unstable. If he dumped his ex prior to you, then went back to him, thats horrible. If his ex dumped him, and he never got over his ex, then why the heck did he go out with you!? Thats completely unfair to use you as a distraction. It sounds like overall you're doing pretty well, I really hope you keep recovering and find a great guy soon! AND! (This is the edit, I re-read all your posts again) What is UP with your ex blaming his ex prior to you for you and his breakup? Thats awful! I'm guessing his last ex dumped him... because it sounds like he was waiting all along for his ex to come back, then, when that hope fell through, he realized he made a mistake, but rather than accepting he was cruel for putting you in the middle of his emotional issues, he blames someone else. Hes totally not worth your time, I'm glad you're moving on.
Author darnay Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Thanks people, your support has been invaluable over the past few months. I havent posted that often but have logged on to LS practically every single day, and drawn support and guidance from everyone's sage words and advice. I'm doing okay now, being dumped twice was horrific. I regret giving my ex another chance in January but as Caliguy has said, if they really wanna make amends they will move heaven and earth to get to you. That is exactly what my ex did. He begged me for a week for a second chance. Gave me every indication he had made a huge mistake and said he loved me and wanted me. He also convinced his family, my family and all our friends. Then some 8 months later he just said he never loved me at all and walked away from me, a month after i'd had major surgery on my back and was in the process of learning to walk again. As i say i regret giving him a second chance, but ultimately when you love someone as much as i loved him it was the ONLY thing to do. I had to give him the benefit of the doubt and I guess i also believed that he had changed. I wouldve regretted no taking the second chance all my life if i'd walked away. It's just a shame it didnt work out. Since then i have discovered quite a few things about our so called relationship. I have also had time to really reflect on what went wrong and why, and to start rebuilding my life. I agree with everyone on here that NC is the only way forward. I tried the lets be friends approach but trust me you DON'T wanna know what your ex is doing and whom he/she is doing it with. It hurts like hell and plays with your head. My ex used me wretchedly. He wanted a shoulder to cry on and crutch whilst he was still coping with the emotional and financial consequences of the breakup of of his last relationship. When he was finally clear of that, had got himself a new place to live, some new friends and some money in his pocket he decided I was surplus to requirements. He's got a new partner now, who looks exactly like his previous ex, which i think speaks volumes.. I'm moving on slowly, experiencing the pain, dealing with the hurt, but it is getting less and less as the days and weeks go by. I am determined not to go back out there battered, bruised and negative..
Purple_me Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 Before anything I want to say I didn't read all the posts, but only the ones of the original poster. I gotta say I'm really proud of the road you took in here. I've been NC for almost a week and it's hard. My therapist told me not to contact him, that he'll come alone. Right now what I have to focus in is to see if whenever he comes around I want him back or not. Anyway I wanted to say that you should NEVER regret what you went through with him. You know why? Because you can go to bed knowing you did everything you could. If you wouldn't have giving him that second chance you'd have to deal with the "what-ifs" for a long long time. The relationship didn't work because of him, not because of you, and not because of lack of love from you, so you just have to focus now on healing, and get ready for something better. God takes nothing out of life that He doesn't replace with something better, that's what I was told!
Author darnay Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 Just a quick update. Been NC completely for over two months now, and have slowly started to put my life back together after being dumped twice by my ex in 12 months.. I've been doing so well, have completely cut all contact and stopped speaking to so called mutual friends whom i discovered were just feeding my ex information about me. Anyway, this morning at 8.30am I get a text out of the blue, saying he hadn't heard from me in a while and asking how I feeling these days, how my back was doing after surgery... I was so shocked. Why now? nearly 3 months later? My initial reaction was to reply but I didn't, I made myself a cup of tea, sat down, reread the text and then deleted it from my phone.
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