nowhereman82 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 My ex and I have had some very enlightening conversations and it has been therapeutic. I have continued to live my life and talk to other girls and stay active...but if given the proper approach I would give it a second chance. The ex has stated that she has had thoughts towards that but doesn't know what she wants yet. We're just being open and frank with each other, so that's fine. I worry that I am going to make some personal decisions in my life that would basically kill any chance for the future. These aren't things I need....just a different lifestyle I think I might want to try. Something not me. I so want to tell her that these thoughts are crossing my head, not exactly what I plan on doing...but that these changes/experiences would probably be "deal breaker". I know I should live for me and go ahead and do what it is I plan on doing. But there isn't any reason I can't wait a little bit either and continue how I am. I know all of this is wrong, I know what I would tell myself. But I see our issues as workable and 5 years is a long time to flush. I saw her as my life partner, how can I give up on that so easily? But then again how could she? So yea...quite a pickle.
Ronni_W Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Nowhere, please allow me to rephrase...for my own clarity: You want to ignore and deny your own 'inner voice' that is asking for new experiences and personal growth opportunities...for a relationship that is OVER, finito, kaput, ex and deceased??? Did I read that right?
Author nowhereman82 Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 That's it in a nutshell lol I don't know if I would like the lifestyle change...it's just something I have thought about taking part of...so its not a big deal for me yet
Ronni_W Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 That's it in a nutshell lol Thanks for clearing that up for me . More importantly, though, did it sound as nuts to you, as it did to me??? And of course, you won't know if you like a 'new thing' until you try it. For that, I'd just encourage an adventurous spirit, sense of playfulness...and an open mind. And of course, if you find you're not into it enough, then just stop doing it . But I'd say the "big deal" part is the part that is whispering or screaming for you to at least try it -- that IS a big deal, and how we grow and learn more about our likes and dislikes. IMHO.
Author nowhereman82 Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 Yes it does and thats why i need you all to set me straight I am going to move forward with the change...it's not going to happen over night But it's a lifestyle she wouldn't want to be a part of. BTW I'm not looking to go gay or trany or something lol
0hpenelope Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I worry that I am going to make some personal decisions in my life that would basically kill any chance for the future. These aren't things I need....just a different lifestyle I think I might want to try. Something not me. .... I know I should live for me and go ahead and do what it is I plan on doing. But there isn't any reason I can't wait a little bit either and continue how I am. I know all of this is wrong, I know what I would tell myself. But I see our issues as workable and 5 years is a long time to flush. I saw her as my life partner, how can I give up on that so easily? But then again how could she? So yea...quite a pickle. Ah! The dilemma! I'm hoping you're past the phase of making decisions based on her? I'm not criticizing here, bro. But I guess it's kind of troublesome to see that you might be holding yourself back because of her. I like seeing the attitudes of various LS users here who are of this mindset: "Yeah, I'm happy. Significant Others is optional." For some reason I'm having trouble communicating my thoughts. I guess what I'm trying to say is... this "new" you? Can it be so totally new that she won't be accepting of it? That she won't love you anymore? I've never met a couple who haven't had to compromise at all. I don't see how anything that will do you good be so bad... just because it might kill the chances for you guys to reunite? That's what you're saying? I guess this doesn't make sense to me, because I'd rather be whole in myself alone than incomplete with a special someone in my life. Good luck!! It's good to see that you can honestly say that your communication with your ex has been healthy. There are a lot of us on these boards who can't say the same now or ever.
Ronni_W Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I am going to move forward with the change... And I am going to hold you accountable for that change! What's the plan? Timeline? First step? Dang...I had my money on tran! Do I get to go double-or-nothing?
CaliGuy Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 The longer you hold on to hope of a second chance, the more likely that is the right person will come into your life and you will not recognize it. The best advice I can give you with your ex if you are going to hang out is the following: 1. Don't talk about the relationship. 2. Act like she is someone new. 3. Don't ask personal questions about where she's been or what she's been up to in regards to dating others. 4. Give her space. Lots of it. 5. Be relaxed, hang out and have fun. Remember what it was like when you first started dating. 6. Always, always work on your own personal issues and do not reveal them to her. If you lack confidence, work on that alone. 7. Don't ever be upset if she can't spend time with you (or doesn't want to). 8. Don't always be the one to suggest dates. Let her suggest them. 9. Don't pressure her for anything. Answers, time, sex, etc. 10. Be yourself. As that quote by Marilyn Monroe, which I can't remember exactly, but if she can't accept you at your worst, she sure as heck doesn't deserve you at your best. Bottom line is no pressure + fun = best chance of rekindling anything. The more questions you ask, the more pressure you put on her, the more likely it is that she will run from you. If I were you, I would continue to date others, have fun and see what life has to offer. Just don't put all your eggs in HER basket.
Author nowhereman82 Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 I have made a firm resolve to make no attempts to hang out with her. I've shared those views in other posts. Her making that move would set the right tone I believe. Penlope, ya I do honestly feel that the change I am thinking of doing would be a a big deal for her. She is fairly conservative in some ways. I know the vagueness makes it hard to understand Who knows, maybe I will chicken out of it on my own lol I have done a lot with moving my life forward...it's just none of them kill everything like moving out of town would. I have no qualms dating and having sex with new woman. Some lady would just have to really sweep me off my feet for me to not drop them if my ex said and did the right things...love makes you do strange things...and things were pretty good.
norajane Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Penlope, ya I do honestly feel that the change I am thinking of doing would be a a big deal for her. She is fairly conservative in some ways. I know the vagueness makes it hard to understand Who knows, maybe I will chicken out of it on my own lol Is your issue really that she would be opposed? Or is it that you are uncertain or afraid, and framing your misgivings in terms of how she would react gives you a 'good' reason to chicken out? Is this a healthy change you are contemplating? Or unhealthy? Example: quitting your job without having a new one, and without any money in your savings account.
Author nowhereman82 Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 It's nothing that could cause a negative effect....some people might be closed minded to it, thats all. And I would chicken out on the fact that it's so different lol. But I have already met some pretty supportive people already and look forward to going to my first social meeting.
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