OFGnomore Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I just ended things with MM. I want to rebuild my M after having an mostly EA/little PA (5x) over the last year and a half. Should I confess? Give it some more time to think about it? Problem is xMM and I live in same small town. News will probably get out and our children could be hurt. I've tried to end it 3x but xMM kept coming back, I want this out in the open so I can rebuild my M based on integrity and to bring the A to light to keep up both out of the affair.
GreenX Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I just ended things with MM. I want to rebuild my M after having an mostly EA/little PA (5x) over the last year and a half. Should I confess? Give it some more time to think about it? Problem is xMM and I live in same small town. News will probably get out and our children could be hurt. I've tried to end it 3x but xMM kept coming back, I want this out in the open so I can rebuild my M based on integrity and to bring the A to light to keep up both out of the affair. The bolded makes me wonder how do you know for sure that you're totally done with the MM now? When he comes peddling back into your life in a week or so will you 'give in to temptation' yet again? I think that if you're truely wanting to repair your marriage and be with your H then you should tell him the truth, 100%. If you do not then how can you rebuild on something that isn't entirely all there? It isn't possible. Also, depending on how your H takes the news, you'll be surprised that even though he'll be hurting by your actions he will also provide you with an excellent supporting source which you'll need as well (keeping your word and staying away from MM). Bottom line: Your H deserves to know.
Ronni_W Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Words like "integrity" and sentiments of openness/honesty not withstanding, I'm interpreting that you want to use your confession as a way to regain mastery of your own impulses and actions -- is that a correct assessment on my part? Regardless. How is your husband likely to FEEL upon hearing your confession? And then, how is he likely to react? If it's a case of, "Oh, he'll be hurt, and the children might suffer, but he'll end up forgiving me, and they'll get over it, so no harm no foul, really, in the end, no permanent damage to myself...but it will make me straighten out my own behaviour, which is what I really want" -- if it's more something like that, then is that what you'd choose for your husband and children?
Author OFGnomore Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 I just ended things with MM. I want to rebuild my M after having an mostly EA/little PA (5x) over the last year and a half. Should I confess? Give it some more time to think about it? Problem is xMM and I live in same small town. News will probably get out and our children could be hurt. I've tried to end it 3x but xMM kept coming back, I want this out in the open so I can rebuild my M based on integrity and to bring the A to light to keep up both out of the affair. The bolded makes me wonder how do you know for sure that you're totally done with the MM now? When he comes peddling back into your life in a week or so will you 'give in to temptation' yet again? I think that if you're truely wanting to repair your marriage and be with your H then you should tell him the truth, 100%. If you do not then how can you rebuild on something that isn't entirely all there? It isn't possible. Also, depending on how your H takes the news, you'll be surprised that even though he'll be hurting by your actions he will also provide you with an excellent supporting source which you'll need as well (keeping your word and staying away from MM). Bottom line: Your H deserves to know. I agree but have heard more often not to tell if I'm truly going to stay out of it. Meaning why should H be destroyed emotionally for a decision he didn't make. As far as why I think the 4th time will be successful, it's because I didn't bother "officially ending it" . I just stopped contact and so did xMM after claiming he's been emotionally wrecked by the first 3 endings. And that's also why I want to H to know. I need his support even if he did not actively make this unwise decision. I need his support to get past the affair and to work on our M with full knowledge of everything that happened.
Owl Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 You're right...he deserves to know, and if you want to rebuild your marriage its going to take worth on BOTH of your parts...and there's no way that you'll be successful if you try it by yourself.
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 And that's also why I want to H to know. I need his support even if he did not actively make this unwise decision. I need his support to get past the affair and to work on our M with full knowledge of everything that happened. You need to get past the affair with or without your husband's support. What kind of support are you looking for from your husband? What expectations do you have? Keep in mind, when you do tell him the truth, he is going to be devastated and feel like his whole world has been turned upside down. He isn't going to really want to support you in getting over the exMM and what you felt for exMM.
Darth Vader Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I just ended things with MM. I want to rebuild my M after having an mostly EA/little PA (5x) over the last year and a half. Should I confess? Give it some more time to think about it? Problem is xMM and I live in same small town. News will probably get out and our children could be hurt. I've tried to end it 3x but xMM kept coming back, I want this out in the open so I can rebuild my M based on integrity and to bring the A to light to keep up both out of the affair. You've already hurt your husband, and your children by cheating on them. Yes, you should tell. Your husband has a right to decide what to do with his life. Why didn't you think about how badly hurt your husband and your children before you rode another man? And about how it would get out? Lady, I wouldn't blame your hubby if he left you, just think, you hurt your children's father, and them. How are your children gonna respect you for that?
soda Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I just ended things with MM. I want to rebuild my M after having an mostly EA/little PA (5x) over the last year and a half. Should I confess? Give it some more time to think about it? Problem is xMM and I live in same small town. News will probably get out and our children could be hurt. I've tried to end it 3x but xMM kept coming back, I want this out in the open so I can rebuild my M based on integrity and to bring the A to light to keep up both out of the affair. You need to confess. If you don't, your H may find out, anyway, and then you'll have no shot at rebuilding the marriage. If you confess, you at least have a chance. It will decide on whether your H decides that he wants to work on the marriage or end it. Be fair to your H. He deserves to know all of the facts and decide whether he wants to stay married to you. Either way, you probably won't be successful in ending the affair permanently until you make the affair too unattractive to go back to. Since you've admitted to going back to it multiple times, it sounds like you need some help. Telling your H should do the trick, even if he decides not to stay with the marriage.
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