OFGnomore Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I just ended things with MM. I want to rebuild my M after having an mostly EA/little PA (5x) over the last year and a half. Should I confess? Give it some more time to think about it? Problem is xMM and I live in same small town. News will probably get out and our children could be hurt. I've tried to end it 3x but xMM kept coming back, I want this out in the open so I can rebuild my M based on integrity and to bring the A to light to keep up both out of the affair.
Owl Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 You can't rebuild your marriage on a lie. Its like trying to build a house around a tree without discussing it at all. The two biggest requirements for you to have any chance at all at reconciling your marriage are NC (no contact) at all with OM/MM for life, and complete and total honesty with your spouse going forward.
LakesideDream Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Tricky situation. It sounds from your post that you want to confess, if that's true, so be it. Understand you will be virtually casterating your husband when you do. Telling your husband that you preferred another man for a year and a half will be a gift that keeps on giving! Personally, as a former BS, who didn't know for 23 years... I am of mixed feelings. If it would have ended between the ex and her MM/BF before the truth surfaced, AND we would have had a healed relationship.. I would have preferred never knowing "for sure" (I had suspicions at the end, I was pretty dumb). She had her good points for sure. Sadly as it turns out the bad outweighed the good 5-1. The minute the truth surfaced fully, the relationship was over, kaput, over. Confessing could end your marriage instantly. Be aware of the possibility.
Owl Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Confessing could end your marriage instantly. Be aware of the possibility. Completely agreed. This changes the power dynamic in the marriage. Right now, the OP has all the knowledge of the affair...and therefore all the power to remain married or not based on that knowledge. Confessing relinquishes that "sole control" over this...it gives your H the opportunity to make his OWN decision on the marriage based on this new (to him) knowledge. But, its also only fair. Think about it...if he'd cheated on you, YOU would want to know so that you could decide for yourself if the marriage was worth saving at that point or not, no?
Author OFGnomore Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 Tricky situation. It sounds from your post that you want to confess, if that's true, so be it. Understand you will be virtually casterating your husband when you do. Telling your husband that you preferred another man for a year and a half will be a gift that keeps on giving! Personally, as a former BS, who didn't know for 23 years... I am of mixed feelings. If it would have ended between the ex and her MM/BF before the truth surfaced, AND we would have had a healed relationship.. I would have preferred never knowing "for sure" (I had suspicions at the end, I was pretty dumb). She had her good points for sure. Sadly as it turns out the bad outweighed the good 5-1. The minute the truth surfaced fully, the relationship was over, kaput, over. Confessing could end your marriage instantly. Be aware of the possibility. Verbally castrating my H? I had sex with xMM 5x. H and I are still active and a lot, ALOT, more than that. It was really an emotional affair and to add insult to injury, xMM suffers from sexual dysfunction. Sorry if it's too much information.
Owl Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 That doesn't matter... Your H is going to be devestated far beyond your expectations by your affair and choice to sleep with MM/OM. I THINK that's what LSD was referring to.
Author OFGnomore Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 Completely agreed. This changes the power dynamic in the marriage. Right now, the OP has all the knowledge of the affair...and therefore all the power to remain married or not based on that knowledge. Confessing relinquishes that "sole control" over this...it gives your H the opportunity to make his OWN decision on the marriage based on this new (to him) knowledge. But, its also only fair. Think about it...if he'd cheated on you, YOU would want to know so that you could decide for yourself if the marriage was worth saving at that point or not, no? Yes. When to confess?
Owl Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Now...when else? Delay won't help...it'll only hurt. If you waited 20 years to tell him, it'll still be just as devestating to him when he learns of the affair. He'll just be more angry that you lied to him about it that much longer. The sooner you tell him, the sooner the two of you can make decisions going foward. He's likely to figure this out on his own, when he sees your changes in behavior as a result of the withdrawl at the loss of the affair.
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Then tell your husband and together you inform the exMM that you and your husband are going to tell his wife about the affair. That WILL stop exMM from contacting you forever.
Meaplus3 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I just ended things with MM. I want to rebuild my M after having an mostly EA/little PA (5x) over the last year and a half. Should I confess? Give it some more time to think about it? Problem is xMM and I live in same small town. News will probably get out and our children could be hurt. I've tried to end it 3x but xMM kept coming back, I want this out in the open so I can rebuild my M based on integrity and to bring the A to light to keep up both out of the affair. If you want your Marriage to be based on honesty and trust.. two very important aspects of a healthy marriage, then I would confess to your H about the A. You should NOT in anyway be the one to inform xmm's wife. If he wants to come clean that's for him to decide and deal with. Good luck. AP:)
tviamn Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 i think you should come out with the truth.. it seems you want to.. like you said.. to save your marriage with integrity.. if you lose your husband.. then that's what should ultimately happen and you would have to live with that, but the world isn't black and white and people are not robots... the secret alone would be hard to bare and bad for your health... i'd rather be in a marriage where my partner respected me enough to not keep something that important from me and i might respect them for risking everything to be honest with me... good luck
soda Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I just ended things with MM. I want to rebuild my M after having an mostly EA/little PA (5x) over the last year and a half. Should I confess? Give it some more time to think about it? Problem is xMM and I live in same small town. News will probably get out and our children could be hurt. I've tried to end it 3x but xMM kept coming back, I want this out in the open so I can rebuild my M based on integrity and to bring the A to light to keep up both out of the affair. You mentioned that it's a small town. If anybody in that small town ever picks on the fact that you had an affair, it's probably going to get back to your H. Do you think that it's more probable that he'll forgive you if you confess, or if he finds out from someone else. By telling him, you at least provide some hope of rebuilding your H's trust again. By not telling him, you probably never will. I recommend that you tell him now. The longer that you wait, the longer you'l lose the strength to move forward. The truth always comes out in the end, anyway. It's better coming from you.
crystal_lostheart Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Hi There, If I wanted to rebuild my M - I would confess. I would do this knowing that there is a possiblity it may end. That's the scary part. But we don't know your H like you do - how do you think he will honestly react? Obviously extremely hurt but looking beyond this with so much hard work on both parts - especially yours - do you believe there is a chance things could mend? I think you should confess. The sooner the better too - what will be - will always be no matter when it is done. So you may as well get started on mending your M and it starts with the truth...... Good Luck
Author OFGnomore Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 Thanks Cyber Strangers for your Support to Confess.
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