hpnutter Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I could really use some advice on my relationship. I need some advice on whether our relationship is for keeps or not. This could be a long post so bear with me! I am still with my first boyfriend, we’ve been together for nearly 3 years. I recently turned 22, he is nearly 40, so there’s a big age gap! I have posted on this site before, about 1½ years ago, because I was really struggling with jealousy over his exes. I felt this jealousy through most of my last year at uni, which I finished summer ‘07. The summer after uni, I went on holiday and spent a lot of time debating whether we should stay together, esp as I didn’t know where I would be living, working etc. But I couldn’t do anything then cos we were going on holiday in Sept. During that holiday, we had one massive argument that cleared the air and afterwards, everything was fantastic. I moved in with him after the holiday and I loved it, living with him, just the two of us, doing all the homey things couples do. I guess it was a taster of what it could be like living with him permanently. After 2½ months, I had to move home cos I hadn’t found a job and couldn’t afford to stay there. I signed up to do a 1yr course at uni starting this Sept and managed to find a job at home in the interim. This is where I’ve started having problems again. Not with jealousy because I feel confident at home where everything is familiar and to do with my world rather than his (although I had a brief moment recently cos we went to Japan, which I really enjoyed, except that I felt out of place and big, fat and clumsy and ugly alongside the gorgeous petite Japanese women- so many are amazingly stunning!- Esp cos his last girlfriend was oriental and he met her in Japan). I know the jealousy thing is just down to insecurity, I really do know that he loves me. But other than that, I just keep having these niggles, this kind of anguish, because I really do love him, but sometimes because of the distance between where we live, it can be weeks when we don’t see each other and I feel as if we’re growing apart, that I don’t have as much to say to him as I used to, and that makes me feel so sad. When we’re together again, I feel like I must have been crazy to imagine those feelings, cos then all I want is to be with him and I hate leaving him. But even then, I can still see some of his faults. Before we went to Japan, it had been 6 weeks since I’d seen him and I was really getting used to it and was worried about how I’d feel when I saw him. When we were together again, after a short while I felt the old way again which was really good, but also at times he was a little annoying- for one, he’s SO critical of stuff. I’ve always felt that. Often I’ll really like something or just accept it for how it is, but he’ll always come up with some way it could’ve been done better. Sometimes I don’t even bother to say what I think of something cos he’ll just override me and say how it was crap. There have been times when my cheerful mood has been soured and squashed by his critical, negative mood. And he can get really stressed over things and he doesn’t hide it. I know I made him put up with a lot with my jealousy, but sometimes I just cant be bothered to have to deal with the stressiness. He gets really stressed when travelling, which I can understand, and he always apologises afterwards, but still sometimes I just think cant he just let it go, cos its not helping?![/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman] But while I do sometimes get fed up, I know everyone has faults and whoever I end up with, there’ll be moments like those. And the rest of the time is really good! I just get so confused! I don’t know what I want anymore. I cant bear the thought of actually letting him go and moving on. When I think of having a different boyfriend, it doesn’t seem right at all. Yet when I haven’t seen him for ages I get used to him not being around, and I know we’ll be apart for the next year anyway while I do my course. I wonder if it will end up being too much time apart. Also, I’m moving to the capital and a few of my friends are single and part of me wonders what it’d be like to be single, free, living away from my parents and no longer a teenager in the city. I don’t want to stay with the first one only to regret it later in life, but nor do I want to give up a man I love just to experience the odd snog in a nightclub! I just feel so torn! I don’t want to end it, cos the thought of it really breaks my heart, but at the same time when we’re apart I just keep getting this confusion and anguish that I cant ignore. It just keeps going through my mind! I just really need someone to be able to just say to me, this is how you truly feel, this is what you truly want, and that’s it. One way or the other! To be with him forever more or to let it go! I cant stand being in the middle![/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]
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