So lost and confused: would love nothing more than for our family to be one again

[dragonsoul]

I was in a marriage that lasted near 8 years, We had 2 beautiful boys and I love and raised 2 other beautiful boys from a previous marriage of hers.

 

When we married it was very very hard, I was a young 21 year old man who had to instantly learn to be a husband, father of 2, and soon found out that she was pregnant on top of it all. I did the best I could do and tried as hard as I could to make the best life I could for all of us. These strains with no real foundation of a relationship were very hard on the marriage since we really had no private time together to grow closer to eachother.

 

I love this woman more than life itself even to this day. We had so many tribulations in our marriage to the point where I was so stressed I had a massive heart attack at the age of 24 and lost my military career do to the health issues. That situation seemed to make us grow so close and i'll never forget her holding my hand when I was so close to death begging me not to leave her.

 

She liked to go out to the clubs and dance with her gf's and I always knew that it would lead to trouble and would freaquently beg her not to go. She was not one to be controlled and I let her make her own choices but would express how I felt at least. The last two years of our marriage went to hell she went out more and more, I burried my face in the PC out of sheer loneliness, she would complain about me being on the PC and I would say well please stay home so I am not so depressed.

 

I know that my actions were not the best choice but online friends were there for me in my time of need when going out became an everyday thing. I think I knew that there was more to the picture over the last 2 years but I didn't want to admitt to myself that she was being unfaithful, friends I didn't know, never giving me contact numbers for emergency, never showing me pictures, pictures in her office of everyone in her family but me, more and more and more time away from home, I knew but like I said didnt want to face it.

 

Well come to find out she was infact unfaithful and I did not find out untill she wanted a divorce because I knew something was wrong and had to find out what she wouldn't tell me and I hacked her e-mail account. What did I find but "I love you" letter from another man. The trip to puerto rico that she went on with her gf's, the trip to washington, the nights she was supposedly staying at a gf's house because she was just going through issues, all of it was lies and she spent all that time with him. For the last 6 months she only came home for dinner and we didnt see her again untill the following day. After and during the divorce I never yelled at her, never made her feel bad for what she did, only supported and loved her.

 

The guy she was seeing was now in Korea on a one year remote tour ( military ) and she married him 2 days after our divorce by-proxy (his best friend stood in for him via power of attorney). Because she could not live with him in Korea and I loved her so much, I let her stay with me. I supported her emotionally and financially still, and we were like the best of friends. She would still tell me she loved me and she was sorry that things were the way they were even up untill she left to visit him 6 weeks ago.

 

While she was in Korea she called me crying one night when she was alone telling me she still loves me, she misses the life we had together, she misses the kids ( I have custody btw ), he wants kids, she don't want kids, how can she have more kids and not be raising the ones she had, she dont know how its gonna work out, nothing but negative about her new marriage.

 

She does not know what she wants, she don't know if she only misses me because she misses the kids so much and just wants her old life back, its all so very confusing to me because I want nothing more than her back in my life forever.

 

She is comming home tomorrow and as far as I knew she was staying with me still because she said so during our last phone call. Her parents were very pleased with the way I was treating their daughter through all of this but when I was supposed to go down there to stay the night so we could all go pick her up tomorrow they all of a sudden didn't have room for me, the mother was upset because she told her mother that she was not gonna be living with me anymore and living with them, told me it was a sick situation, even though I told her we were not intimate anymore and I loved her so much I was just trying to show her how much I care that even through all of this I would never turn my back on her.

 

Now I don't know what to think, I do not know what she is planning, if she is not staying with me and I have now lost her forever, is it her parents pushing her not to stay, I know her new husband doesn't like it but frankly thats what he gets for messing with my wife and I don't really care what he thinks.

 

I am just lost, I am so lonely, I don't know what to do. I wrote her a long letter tonight that I plan on giving her when I see her tomorrow, telling her that I love her, I am here for her, I do want her back, but it is clear that your family doesn't want you living with me, your husband doesn't want it, I do not want to cause you anymore grief that you are already going through, especially when you don't even know what you want. I gave her the choice that she is welcome in my home but its up to her, I am going to step out of the picture completely till she figures out what she wants if that is what she would like me to do. I don't want to be the blame of family disputes or marital problems with her new marriage.

 

I guess I am just wondering if even hopeing with what she said that she might come back to me is setting myself up for a huge fall again. I really love this woman with all my heart and would love nothing more than for our family to be one again. I know its up to her to make that choice but is pulling myself out of the picture the right choice? Is it going to make her feel that damn I was just starting to want him back and now he is out of the picture, forget it I'll just keep this relationship I have?

 

There are so many possiblities that could be going on right now and I don't know what to do about it or how to feel other than depressed.

 

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Diller076]

Dear Dragonsoul,

 

Depression is a very strong emotion, that i myself am feeling alot of also in my recent breakup. Which is exactly why i am also on Loveshack, looking for help.

 

Your problem is very difficult because you have kids involved. I myself have no kids, but i think that you must focus on your kids and be strong for them. They need you as much as you need them to get through this.

 

You sound like a very strong individual by how you handled your ex after the divorce. You were still there for her and gave her a place to sleep at night when she needed it. Never yelled at her or questioned why she did it.

 

The main question you have is if you should you pull yourself away from her. The consequences are clear either she will realize what you have together and want to work it out, or you may push her away from you even more. I suggest when you talk to her, you state how you feel for her and make it very clear on what you want. Then she will know how you feel. After that being said, give her time, let what you said soak into her. Leave the decision up to her. Be cautious dont let yourself get hurt again.

 

Concentrate or your kids and your work, get your life on track without her. Get a babysitter and go out for a night with some friends and relax. This is by no means an easy task, for i have failed at it myself. But where i have failed you must succeed, it is what needs to be done.

 

Good Luck Friend

[greeneyes]

WOW!! What a wonderful person you are for taking on such a huge responsibility at such a young age. I don't think i would be able to go back with someone after they put me through such emotional stress. She was suppose to be your partner and when the going got tough the tough went out with her friends. She has an affair, gives you full custody of her 2 children and the 2 children you have together, and re-marries two days after your divorce. I think she needs some responsibility. I am a mother of 2 boys myself and in no way would I ever leave my children for a man. Does she not think about how they will feel when they are old enough to realize what happened? I say you are better off with your children. I would not take the chance of getting back together and having the same thing happen again. Take care of yourself and your children. She's not worth it.