ticklemonster Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Hi sorry if this is in the wrong place, i am new to this site but need some advise! My boyfriend of 5 months suddenly finished things with me on sunday evening after an amazing weekend together! He did with the line 'its not you its me'!! I am so confused, he told me he loved me (he last said this on sunday afternoon!)and wanted kids with me and everything. You might think all this is a bit quick, but we have had a whirlwind romance! He says i'm gorgeous, and he loves spending time with me, he thinks i'm amazing, but he says he needs time to be on his own? What i don't understand is why? Our relationship was perfect, we never argued! The only thing i can think of, is his ex! They split up in January, to put it bluntly she use to bully him , mentally and physically! Constantly putting him down! Do you think this has had an effect on how he is with me? He thinks i don't trust him, i have never once said or done anything to make him think this!! Help please i'm at my wits end! I love him so much! P.S all his friends don't even know why he has done this, they all said we were perfect for each other and my ex was always telling them how happy i made him!
ed-205 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 My son's fiancee of several years gave him the same line: "I need some space to get my life in order... It's not you, it's me..." Sorry to put it to you this way, but that's usually break-up speak for, "I've met someone else...", at least it was in his case. Whatever his real reason, understand that the relationship is over as far as he is concerned, and as difficult as it seems right now, one day soon you will wake up and actually feel OK with it. You have an entire lifetime of opportunities ahead of you, don't waste a single one of them regretting what never was, because what will be is so much better! Just hang in there!
Author ticklemonster Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 The thing is, he has done this once before, then said he missed me like crazy!!! I refuse to believe that he doesn't want me, i know deep down he does! Thank you for your advise though, and sorry if i seem off, i'm just so confused!
Cat76 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Hi Ticklemonster, I am in exactly the same position as you . Whirlwind romance, and the poo hit the fan and it's all gone a bit belly up. I basically got the 'it's not you, it's me' line. Actually he said that I am good for him, but he is not good for me, and he wants us to stay in touch blah blah blah! We are in contact over email (sporadically, and usually me that initiates it) and I have to see him on Thursday, dreading it! But I have to go as it's an important exam at the college we both attended. Can I ambush your thread and ask if someone says they want to stay in touch - do they usually mean it? Thanks C
Author ticklemonster Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 yeah, i got the whole your perfect for me, infact he said i was too good for him? whats all that about. ive texted him today for answers, he said he is busy at work but will reply when he is home! we are still talking etc and everything is fine, i just wish i knew what was going on in his head! from my experience if they say they want to stay in contact they do, but you have to think about if your still in contact and they find someone new. i'd be gutted, so i think if there is no chance then you should cut all ties! also while you are still in contact you will just keep thinking that maybe you'll get back together and have false hope! Look at my advise, maybe i should take it on board my self lol! hope that helps?x
stillafool Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Hi sorry if this is in the wrong place, i am new to this site but need some advise! My boyfriend of 5 months suddenly finished things with me on sunday evening after an amazing weekend together! He did with the line 'its not you its me'!! I am so confused, he told me he loved me (he last said this on sunday afternoon!)and wanted kids with me and everything. You might think all this is a bit quick, but we have had a whirlwind romance! He may love you but not be in love with you. He probably thinks you would make a good mother also. He says i'm gorgeous, and he loves spending time with me, he thinks i'm amazing, but he says he needs time to be on his own? What i don't understand is why? Our relationship was perfect, we never argued! I'm sure he does think you are gorgeous and loves spending time with you but doesn't really see it as long term even though he lead you on. The only thing i can think of, is his ex! They split up in January, to put it bluntly she use to bully him , mentally and physically! Constantly putting him down! Do you think this has had an effect on how he is with me? He thinks i don't trust him, i have never once said or done anything to make him think this!! No I don't think this has anything to do with you. I think he put up with his ex's treatment because he was in love with her. If it isn't his ex that is making him want to break up with you it is definitely someone. Guys usually don't drop a girl (who's giving up sex) unless they have a replacement in the wings. Help please i'm at my wits end! I love him so much! P.S all his friends don't even know why he has done this, they all said we were perfect for each other and my ex was always telling them how happy i made him! I hope you didn't go running to his friends for answers. That makes you look needy and will make them talk about you. My advice to you would be to honor his wish. Stop texting him for answers, just give him what he wants - his freedom. Do not try to be friends with him because your emotions want more and you will end up being more hurt than you are now. Another thing - believe what people tell you not what you think is true. He knows his feelings better than you.
Author ticklemonster Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 Thank you for your comments although i found some of them to be quite harsh! His friends came to me not the other way round. I'm sorry but i need answers to help me move on, if its something ive done wrong i would prefer to know for future reference, rather than find someone new only to make the same mistake again.
stillafool Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Sorry if I sounded hard on you but sometimes I don't feel like sugar coating things. I don't want to make you feel bad. It's not your fault. He couldn't say anything bad about you. In fact he said you were gorgeous, amazing and he loves spending time with you. It's only natural to feel curious as to why he would let you go. I don't feel he is telling you the real truths behind his breakup. I'm sorry but I would almost guarantee it's another girl. All I'm saying is if he wants to be on his own then let him. Don't give him the benefit of your friendship when your emotions are still tied to him. If I were you I would go "no contact" on him and show him how much he may miss a gorgeous, amazing girl who he loved spending time with. Why should you let him have his cake and eat it too?
BCCA Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Nothing he says is going to help you move on. I think all of us get stuck feeling like we have to know the exact reason, but you probably never will and even if you did it wouldnt help. It basically comes down to the simple fact that he has decided that his life would be more to his liking if he went in another direction. Who cares why, you dont need him. He isnt going to help you figure it out, or provide any closure. Its easier to avoid the situation all together. I would let this go, as hard as I know it is. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but hes not the one for you.
Cat76 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Thanks for the reply Ticklemonster. I know what you mean, I'm always full of good advice for other people, never seem to listen to it myself!!! I am staying in contact in the hope that he will change his mind, call me stupid, but at the moment it feels like the only thing which is keeping me from cracking up. I can't imagine him not being in my life. Although you're right, I wouldn't know what to do if or when he finds someone else. Cheers C
BCCA Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Cat, just be sure youre not setting yourself up for dissapointment. There is nothing wrong with establishing a line of communication, but I would leave it at that. For him to change his mind, he is going to need a lot of time and even then, it might not matter. Let me tell you that there is no greater pain than hanging on too long, and watching the one you love go off with some one else. You will be ok with him out of your life. I just lost the love of my life for the last 5 years, and I havent spoken a word to her since the breakup. Yeah, there are days it really sucks, but I'm not going to put myself in a position to get hurt anymore.
Cat76 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Cat, just be sure youre not setting yourself up for dissapointment. There is nothing wrong with establishing a line of communication, but I would leave it at that. For him to change his mind, he is going to need a lot of time and even then, it might not matter. Let me tell you that there is no greater pain than hanging on too long, and watching the one you love go off with some one else. You will be ok with him out of your life. I just lost the love of my life for the last 5 years, and I havent spoken a word to her since the breakup. Yeah, there are days it really sucks, but I'm not going to put myself in a position to get hurt anymore. I seem to have gatecrashed Ticklemonsters thread (sorry). I agree with everything you say BCCA, it's so hard letting go I suppose. Maybe I should just leave him alone. But I will see him on Thursday and then again next week, and probably a couple of weeks after that.
Author ticklemonster Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 you havent gate crashed it, dont be silly, its always good to hear other peoples points of views and experiences. my ex is texting me later, he said earlier today he has not been fair on me, so we will see what he's got to say. i have to see him tomorrow to collect all my belongings (i lived with him) and then after that i have decided thats it, no more contact. i am gonna get on with the rest of my life! whether or not this happens is another thing, i feel you have mixed emotions when going through a break up and you never know how you are gonna feel one day from the next, but i'm gonna try my hardest to let go. i'm worth more than this, alot more!!
Cat76 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 you havent gate crashed it, dont be silly, its always good to hear other peoples points of views and experiences. my ex is texting me later, he said earlier today he has not been fair on me, so we will see what he's got to say. i have to see him tomorrow to collect all my belongings (i lived with him) and then after that i have decided thats it, no more contact. i am gonna get on with the rest of my life! whether or not this happens is another thing, i feel you have mixed emotions when going through a break up and you never know how you are gonna feel one day from the next, but i'm gonna try my hardest to let go. i'm worth more than this, alot more!! Thanks. Make sure you let us know what happens. I really feel like we are kind of on the same timeline in terms of the break up, if you know what I mean.
Author ticklemonster Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 well so far he has said this ' that its not a problem with you. im far from ready for a relationship and felt constricted. it wasnt anything you did, it was just the way i felt. i was getting moody and just getting worse. you couldnt have stopped this from happening, im sorry but you should keep being you. dont change' i still dont get him. i know there isnt a chance for us now which is a shame but hey life goes on!
Cat76 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 This is so freaky, I got exactly the same kind of things said to me.
Author ticklemonster Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 really! bloody hell that is so strange. there must be something in the water! where bouts do you live?haha
BCCA Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 really! bloody hell that is so strange. there must be something in the water! where bouts do you live?haha I think you need to know - everything you heard is BS people say during a breakup so they dont look like the bad guy. Figuring out what is true and what isnt is almost impossible. People will never have the fortitude to tell you how it is straight up, so they feed you cheesy lines about how youre so great, and but they just cant handle it right now blah blah blah...I had a girl tell me 'dating some one else is the last thing on my mind' only to find out she had already started dating some one else before we split. Its just lies and half truths. You cant even listen to what they say, watch what they do. If I had some one who was so wonderful, I wouldnt need to dump them and 'find myself'. Makes no sense.
Cat76 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 really! bloody hell that is so strange. there must be something in the water! where bouts do you live?haha Just outside of York, soon to be newcastle. I'm moving up there for a job (part of that decision was for the ex).
Author ticklemonster Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 it obviously is just a case of bad timing for us. i know he wouldnt lie to me. he is all about telling me the truth. he just wants to spend time concentrating on his son which i understand! im not gonna fall out wi him over it. i need to move on now. which i intend to do. i refuse to be the girl that waits around! we had fun and i will remember our time together for the rest of my life. i think maybe im too nice!
Cat76 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 it obviously is just a case of bad timing for us. i know he wouldnt lie to me. he is all about telling me the truth. he just wants to spend time concentrating on his son which i understand! im not gonna fall out wi him over it. i need to move on now. which i intend to do. i refuse to be the girl that waits around! we had fun and i will remember our time together for the rest of my life. i think maybe im too nice! Thats a good attitude to have, I wish I was as determined. Can't sleep..... Can't eat....... Can't concentrate....... Having quite a hard time, even though our time together was brief. It's very annoying, I just want it to stop, because I know deep down that we are not going to get back together.
Author ticklemonster Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 hun, thats exactly how i feel, ive not eaten or slept for 2 days! im putting or trying to put a very brave face on. its hard but i know i need to do it. ive been messed about enough already! enough is enough! i need to be strong to get through this! You can do it too, be strong! we will both find someone who deserves us. our ex's clearly didnt!
Author ticklemonster Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 Nothing he says is going to help you move on. I think all of us get stuck feeling like we have to know the exact reason, but you probably never will and even if you did it wouldnt help. It basically comes down to the simple fact that he has decided that his life would be more to his liking if he went in another direction. Who cares why, you dont need him. He isnt going to help you figure it out, or provide any closure. Its easier to avoid the situation all together. I would let this go, as hard as I know it is. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but hes not the one for you. actually what he has said has made me think more clearly about things, and after i have got my stuff from his tom the book will be well and truely closed! no second chances! he's made his bed now!
Cat76 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Aw, thank you. I'm going to try and get some sleep, are you around tomorrow?
Author ticklemonster Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 ill be online tom night, so if you wanna chat tell me how your feeling, ill be here. tom night is when i go to collect my things so that should be fun! wish me luck!
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