Addicted to Dysfunctional Marriage and Relationships

[plum36]

Ok here goes, I am new to this and this maybe long so I apologise now:-

 

First love for 5 years until ages 20, split as he went off rails, soft drugs, football voilence etc, i ended it and moved away as completely devastated. Met my husband who was separated and lust at first sight. Never properly formed a relationship extremely dysfunctional, repeatedly went back to his wife to try again and became somewhat obsessed and thought I was in love with him. Each time I formed a new relationship he would come back on the scene. I even moved so I could get on with my life, he found me and eventually got divorced and we moved into together. Spent 7 years together, him suffering some bouts of depression and me eventually realising I wasnt the outgoing bubbly person I was and was being held back, we stopped having fun. Had two short physical flings after which attempted to end the relationship with my husband to be. He Persuaded me to stay (i didnt admit to the flings) and I asked if he would marry me as I thought by this age 30 maybe it was time to stop being silly and grow up. Married and one year later had my little boy. Went through hell and suffered PND, when my little boy was 18 months, started EA with somebody from internet but could not bring myself to go through with PA and ended it immediately. Things plodded on as before and tried to get on track with my marriage. Then made attempt to contact my first love to see how he was. I had heard that he was divorced. He did not reply. Again married continued. I must add that my husband is extremely controlling, colour of my hair, weight, friends, hobbies etc. As a wife I should not expect to have my own time, why would I want to spend time with anybody else. I do everything around the house, do not have my own money as my salary pays everything and he saves his money for our rainy day as I cannot be trusted to have my own money. Friends and families opinion is I am prositute in a locked box who is only taken out when needed. We are still having sex, I never say no and my husband has never been affectionate before during or after. He also insists I dress up for sex which appalls me, I have tried talking about this to him but he says I read too many magazines and that is not reality.

 

About 4 months ago out of curiosity I emailed my first love again, telling myself that maybe he didnt get the first one, a few years previously. Hey presto this time he replied. My stomach lurched. I found out he has a live-in girlfiend of 5 years and two teenage children. We emailed smalltalk and then eventually spoke for a couple of weeks, and after a 3 week break (we were both on holidays) I decided that I had to tell him what I really felt. I opened up and confessed that I still had feelings and there was some chemistry still there, he agreed but I told him I was happily married and would like to be friends. He asked me to meet him which took a while for me to pluck up courage as my husband constantly tells me Im fat. As soon as we met we kissed and I had fallen all over again. This has now progressed to PA, only once so far but it was so comfortable and was perfect. I have never even felt that comfortable with husband, I know he would be devasted to hear that. He says he does have feelings for me but is extremely concerned at being the one to break up my marriage especially when we both have no guarantee that we may want to stay together. I have fallen so hard again for my ex but do not feel I can tell him for fear he may think I am about to leave my husband for him and this would be unfair. He is also harbouring guilt about cheating on his live in girlfiend as she is completely innocent. One half of me is telling me to stand my ground and insist on a divorce/separation from my husband and go it alone regardless and the other half is telling me I have a hard working husband, beautiful house and should grow up and be grateful for what I have. Advice please? I never seem to be able to do anything simple in my life! Trouble follows me everywhere.

[blueberry]

Wow Plum - sure sounds like you're in a bit of a pickle.

 

I think you're going to be inundated with calls to leave your husband. He sounds like a bit of a bully. Doesn't matter about the "hard work" he does that you mentioned - sounds like you work pretty hard too. The whole bedroom thing has left a nasty taste in my mouth. He doesn't have any repsect for you, your wants and your needs.

 

Your family and friends have him pegged - And they know you best. Try and listen to them.

 

My husband was much the same as yours - very controlling. Never wanted me to go out without him, controlled what I wore. Never made me dress up in the bedroom though - but the sex was all on his terms and forget about "foreplay" - that was him asking me if I was awake. In short - a loveless relationship with no respect. When i finally left him, it really was like a veil had been lifted from my eyes - what the hell had i been doing all these years? My family and friends stopped short of giving me a standing ovation!

 

Silly question - are you happy? If the answer is "no" - then do something about it. Because honey, once that happiness has gone with someone - it is very very tricky to get it back. Darn near impossible I say.

 

So change it - get out whilst you can. Make sure you are doing it for the right reasons though - don't do it to be *with* your first love - do it *for* your first love, and that is your son.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

 

Mx

[GPFan]

You are in a bad (for you) marriage and you need all your energy focused on either fixing it or getting out of it.

 

This other relationship is a distraction from what you need to do for yourself.

[bentnotbroken]

Some individual counseling sounds in order to figure out what kind of life you intend to lead from here on out. And leave the MM alone, for his family's sake and your own.

[quankanne]

counseling, definitely. And probably getting out of your marriage (for more reasons than one), then working on YOU. Because you're going to keep chasing for something "better" unless you get your head straight about what you want out of a relationship, of what you're willing to work for and if you can be committed, instead of lookiing to affairs as the answer to an unhappy situation.

 

i.e., you've got to learn how to be happy within yourself, and that will spill over into the kind of relationship you ultimately end up with.

 

meanwhile, stay away from your ex until you are able to give yourself freely (as not involved in another relationship with someone else) to him. Because you REALLY don't need any more of that kind of mess clouding up your life just now.

[wildsoul]

Hello and welcome to the group!

 

The title of your post is good. Yes, you were acting compulsively by looking up the xBF online. Yes, it looks like you are medicating your pain from being stuck in your (M)arriage with an A(ffair.)

 

Your pain will only increase from the A. Whatever feelings you have now will probably grow stronger. Your dillemma will seem worse. After more time, you will start to believe that it really is about how much you love the xBF. You'll forget that your initial reason for seeking him out was to escape your M. When the xBF fails to rescue you, then you'll really feel mad and even more stuck.

 

I don't mean to sounds overly presumptuous, but if you read more here, you'll quickly notice how many of the stories run in familiar patterns.

 

It would be so much healthier for you to stop contact with the xBF, and work on getting out of your unhappy M.

 

Counseling can really help. When I was thinking of divorcing, we hired a therapist who helped us as a couple, and I went to one on my own. They helped me to end my M gracefully. A therapist can help you get out, and also help you to understand any bad choices you've made in the past. SO much better to do this work before you begin dating again! Instead of waiting until you either have a bigger mess, or wait until you are single, do it now. Your life is waiting.