BackonTrack Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Eww, ex cheated n left, made me go mad & crazy. took 5 months to recover, contacted ex about 2 twice in this period, no response except one which stated "stop harassing her" ewww.. Damn man, I was **** up in the head, I wonder what the hell I was thinking, eww, I sent her a drunken text few days ago, eww I wish I had not done that. Eww, I thought about her everyday for the past 5 months, less & less though each day, its going away. Its almost gone, I'm almost in the clear.. Hurrary for me!!! On the upside, a friend of my return from college, we are starting a relationship, its SOO SLOW, I think she is waiting on me to make a move, not sure, but its SOOO SLOW, I realize that she already knows all my stories, I always tell her the same thing over n over, knew her for about 2 years now, just friends though, I think she's into me, not exactly sure. She's always around, doesn't turn me down on offers, spent the night last night, no sex though, I didn't make a move, I think she's waiting for me to take it, not sure. I went to a physic, the physic really messed me up, told me this "you were in a relationship, something happen, you guys got seperated, someone is pushing her away, forget about her, focus on your current relationship, things are going to slow at first, but then its going to speed up" I brushed it off, but was wondering how the hell the physic knew, maybe she is right, she goes on.. "The one your seeing now is the one your meant to be with, your meant to have 3 kids, you were born to be lucky in life, you were born to be happy" yada yada, but strange thing is, everything she said is coming true. So I'm like huh? Anyway, damn the ex is gone, doesn't even feel strange anymore, I think when the breakup occured, it should of forced me to change, I did not, stood the same, just got smarter & wiser, my fears are coming true, I have become ordinary, as my ex put it "You have allowed yourself to become ordinary, just keep working harder" I hate to admit it, but the ex was right on so many points, hrm, now what? I have more girls than I know what to do with, don't like any of them, all of them are either not my type or too easy, my ex was easy too, took 3 weeks to bang her n she had a boyfriend, but I liked her, so I kept her around (stupid move on my part) So now what??? I don't know, I'm hungry, I have no food in my house, I just went to the super market, spent $120, n all I have is grapes n fruits. I wonder what I bought, Of these friends I have, the only one that makes me feel like my ex did is my current friend, I feel mature when around her, things come into focus, when she left, it all went away, its like I need a women in my life, not sure, I don't need one, I'm dong well without one, but thats the only thing i'm lacking at this moment. Strange, sometimes I call my friend my ex's name in my head, like I'm afraid if I get upset or angry, without thinking, I might call her my ex name, its funny, only happens with her, she doesn't remind me of the ex in any way, I think its because I have feelings of love assiocated with my current friend, not quite sure. So now what?? We were driving in the car, when she left, she was like "can we park here", first time she said "we", strange, then I'm like lets go to the gym, she's like I'll come n watch you, but I don't want to work out, who the hell watches people at the gym?? Anyway I don't know whats going on with her, I guess nothing is solid until we have sex, then I'll know for sure where I stand, then I can be in my element and know what I can & can't do. So about my ex? Damn she's a whore, she betrayed me, but I'm not even upset, sometimes though, I just feel hurt, like one time while having sex, she pushes my head down to give her oral sex, thats not what we did, but with the other man, thats probably what they are doing, damn that creeps me out sometime to the point where i won't want to eat for like a few minutes, I guess I just can't believe she gave away what was mine to another. hrm, so now what, its passing, its almost gone, i'm almost in the clear, almost, just need another few months, maybe about 3-4 months, can't beleve it took 9 months to get over her. Thats a long time, atleast I took the time out to heal myself, mature, learn, grow, didn't take the easy route, didn't use anyone to ease the pain, thats not true, I had a few rebounds, they helped me out allot, saved me from going into depression. So hrm, now what??? I'm passed it, things are normal again, can't believe I made such a big deal about the break, boy was I a fool, it was my first real relationship & my first love though. I don't even want my ex back, she sort of disgusts me now, not even sure why I drunken text her, maybe she's still in my subconsious, who knows, I don't know. I'm hungry. but in all honesty, I figured out what I want, a) steady girlfriend b) someone i don't mind being around c) someone I can show off d) someone who sleeps with me at night, every night e) someone I can take every-where with me. f) oh yeah most important, sex on DEMAND on the flip side, I have everything else, Finicially stable, my own business, don't need anyone for anything, a vechile, I guess i just need to grow more as a person know, increase on my maturity level. I'm doing alright in life, I came out good, my mother did a nice job in raising me, I'm 24 years old, I keep to myself. Because I don't have a standard job, because I work from home by myself, I designed myself, I stay away from people, I tend to be by myself allot, I tend to have more time that I know what to do with. So in life, at 24 years old what have I learn? I learn that I was always on the right path, I strayed for about 6 years though, but now I'm back, I wasted allot of time n money, I should of been extremely wealthy by now, but its cool, I'm still building, I'm working on myself. A couple areas I need to improve upon a) math b) english c) personal growth d) exploring the globe e) gaining weight f) learning to cook I've rebuilt my social life, mainly consists of business contacts & friends I knew growing up, strange though, out of everyone I know, I am doing the best, everyone wishes they had my life, its even crazyier now, I am living on my own, been doing it for about 6 months, rent is killing me, but my neighbors or people whom I come in contact with all respect me, they all look up to me, its like I am the natural leader, I can't run from it anymore. I can't hide myself anymore, I can't idle through life, I never wanted this position but its forced upon me, its like natural innate ability, its allot of responsibility, I tend to shy away from the lime light because once I am in it, all focus is on me. Everyone says my personality is to strong, I don't see that, I wonder why my ex left me, she's stupid. She never wanted anything from me, I wonder why she stuck around for so long & kept coming back when in her mind she moved on, well she did say this "if i didn't need the money to buy these little things, I wouldn't come around & I wouldn't be a whore" so i'm thinking to myself "huh, what the hell is she talking about" but I guess it all makes sense now, I tricked her & put her on salary so she could have money and made her believe she was actally helping me, lol I always made her believe she was doing something when she was doing nothing, I wonder if she'll realize this, i doubt it, I did too good of a job of hiding it, she actually thought it was her doing all these things, stupid girl. I still don't understand her, I think she just wanted someone to love her, so what did she say "I don't know how to communicate, all she wanted to do was be there for me", whatever whore, you were sucking & ****ing someone while we were together. Oh my god, my favorite line, "I know I did nothing wrong but deep down I feel guilty inside" that's a classic, I'm going to remember that one for life stupid girl, funny though, she thought I was stupid, man I'm so glad I dodged this bullet, that whore would of left me in 5 years, I would of really been destroyed, its funny though, I think she feels the same way, like she dodged a bullet, maybe we weren't meant for each other. damn, that whore hurt me, I can't believe it, she hurt me, she wanted to hurt me, something is wrong with her brain. so back to my friend, so about this friend, i think she wants me to take it, i'm sure, she comes into the bathroom when I'm there, I'm like 'wow this is weird', she follows me into my room 'your bed looks comfortable' yada yada, then the next day its like it switches to a friend-zone. She's single, hasn't been with a man in about 2-3 years, sometimes i feel sorry for her, like 'i think she needs dick', just so she can feel like a women, normally I would of just take it, but she blocks my attempts, when I insists, she just goes along with it, i wonder if she's just acting like she doesn't want it, I don't know but I am going to push, lets see where that gets me, either we will get closer or we stop being friends, whatever, but this netural thing is not good for me, I don't like this. why the hell is she always coming over, why doesn't she ever say no? why the hell is she even sleeping over? she strays away from sex topics, she's 22, i think her last boyfriend was in highschool, she graduated recently, no bf the whole time. sometimes its like she wants it, other time its like she doesn't, i am not stupid, i can see hints, her friends seem to make fun of her when she is talking to me, like they know something I don't. She doesn't seem to want me to leave either, like she wants me to be around, sometimes I feel like she's shy, I don't think she's been with someone in long time, but when she comes in my house, she changes in her pj's, puts on her slippers, then ignores me. Ahh I know what this is, I'm not being a man with her, I'm not taking the lead, I'm being some other guy, but I can't really read her, its not clear, but it is, hrm, I figure this out. Eitherway as a man, lets see where this takes me, strange, normally I would just ignore everything she says and push the female to the limit to either get smacked, I don't know her limit. Usually when I push, they get upset for like a few weeks then almost come back to being friends, perfect example, my other friend was playing games with me, she has a bf, i know she likes me, that is given, i equate, likeing someone with sex, anyway I got fed up and just said "listen, don't contact me unless you want some dick" then went NC for about a month, she started contacting me, I just ignored it, I think I lost interest. not sure, maybe I'll call her when I am bored.. So whats a female value? Pure entertainment, and then learning what they can teach me as a person. damn, i've become a playboy, damnit, i don't want to be a playboy, i have to meet people, learn about each one, man I'm even confusing my friends name with each other, i hope I don't **** up and say the wrong thing, in all honesty, my ex completed me, she filled me up, i didn't even look at another girl in that way, i just teasted them, but now she left and I have all these girls I was teasing wanting more, they all want relationships, I'm like ****, I just want to have sex with you, or the ones I do not want a relationship from, I am shy, and become someone else. on the flip side, i lost a big asset in business, about 30grand per month, **** me, my whoring ex, my whoring ex, i blame her, actually i can't blame her, it was my fault, i had 56,000 in the bank and I let a $1200 bill **** me over, anyway, I had a backup business, generates about 5,000 USD per month, going from 30k to 5,000 is a major hit, but I grew up poor, either-way money doesn't matter to me. This new business though, its doing good, spreading, expanding, Its going to take me a long time to get to the level where I was before though, ****, i have allot of work, not really, I just need an office, an assitant, then I have to go get the clients. Not so bad, as I said before, I have everything else, I need a little more clothes though, I want a BMW too, I wish I had a older person in my life, a role model, maybe if I saw MORE, I could know what to do, I just know the basics, put money aside for a rainy day, keep working, save your money, pay your taxes, sooner or later, I'll figure something out... My damn whoring ex, I can't believe I'm starting over in all aspects of life, she really made me realize allot of things, that girl hurt me, i was no longer un-touchable, broke my fantasy world, i had to take a real good look in the mirror, ah man, this post is so long, i wonder what life would be like if she was still here, i can't really picture it, except, we would of never been home. probably be globe troating, or at some nice vacation location, she didn't had to work, all she had to do was be faithful, i would of took care of everything else, i wonder why she ****ed it up, probably just young, immature, all that time i invested in her was for nothing, i choose her, but i made a bad pick. I let the pretty face fool me, hell i was ****ing her while her ex was telling her he's sudicial, she didn't even care, wow, I'm that guy now. So now what, I have to find love again, I have to rebuild my bank account, I have to go back into the lab and prepare for my future, I just have to wait now, everything is coming, I can see it, i just have to keep doing what I am doing. The whole break-up thing side tracked me, lost allot of money, about 100 grand, i just stoped doing everything, it wasn't really the ex per say, she gave me motiviation, i think I was borrowing her strength, I think maybe I might of drained her, I don't know, but when I was ready, I returned, she was gone, she wasn't gone, but she was ****ing someone, I think she fell in love with him. I can't believe her still, stupid girl, stayed with me when I had nothing, now I have it all, n she's not here, stupid girl. I wish I just had her again, but I can't go back, she's not a good person, but I loved her, I can't believe I fell for a pretty face, everyone wanred me, I didn't listen. She fooled me good. I am not even upset anymore, so right now ahh, i'm watching tv, smoking a cig, working on a new project, killing time and cooking a burger, this time last year, no wait, this time last year she was ****ing someone, so this time about 14 months ago, she would of been in the bed, waiting for me to come to sleep, I miss that. So long ago, it was so long ago. I don't even remember it anymore, I don't remember what it feels like, I just remember I was happy, I loved that girl, she was my world, I didn't even know it. I let it go. She wasn't that important, I didn't know it would be like this though, maybe I should of invested more time in the relationship, na she would of cheated on me 5 years from now, its her nature, she's a pretender, sad but true. Did your parents know you were having sex? "No, I did a pretty good job at hiding it, they only found out that night when you took me away" Thats the type of person i was dealing with, a politicans daughter. Phony female. Got comfortable n her true self came out, a young whore who likes sucking cock, likes it when you cum on her face, what did she says "It contains proteins, its good for you", I was wondering who the hell was telling her that. So I keep going back n forth between the past & the future, not sure why, it must be because she's still in my heart, i don't feel her, but yet I am spending time writing about her, another few months, this will all be the past, i'm almost there, my move on process was rather slow, prehaps because i have no steady person to erase her from my mind. As about my friend, I wonder if I am moving to slow, I think I'm moving to slow. I think she's waiting for me, man I don't really like the term "relationship", I'll just have sex with her & see where it takes me.
Recommended Posts