i need some help

[rammsteinator]

me and my x girlfriend (L) were going out for almost 2 years and i felt like she was the perfect one for me, although we had a few problems at the begginging of our relationship (i was jealous and controlling) we managed to pull though. then after over a year together she broke it off on the phone becuase we argued too much, i was stupid and nieve and took and overdose, my parents took me to the hospital and i was fine, but when i took the tablets i rang my x girlfriend (S) and apologised for the way we broke up.

 

then S was there for me as i was trying to get over L, we went out in groups of friends ect. but i couldnt cope without L, so we got back together, rushed and we didnt think thing through. things started to go down hill again and after 5 months i felt un loved and compleatly un lusted as we had very little sex so i went and got drunk with a friend and i ended up kissing another girl. L's cousin told her and we broke up again, i really hurt her, she was os upset and couldnt get over what i had done, her whole family hated me as she made me look like such a bad guy, she didnt explan the whole story. after about 2 weeks of being separated we admitted that we still loved eachother and got back together, thought it through properly and sorted out many things beetween us.

 

but then L's cousin said that i had been sleeping with S while we were broken up, which was a compleate lie but as i had cheated before she went and spoke to S to see if this was true. she said it was! the only thing i could think of was that S and L's cousin (who hates me from the past) were woking to try and break me and L up. but anyway, i got all my friends to speak to L and proved that i didnt sleep with S. and we had a brilliant relationship for 3 months, it was amazing, i was always happy we saw eachother so often and the sex was great! but it started to go downhill again with L being more and more depressed and it was having an effect on me. we came close to the end sevaral times, then a friend told me that she had kissed another guy 6months into our relationship, so i confronted her and she admited it to me saying we had had a huge argument so she drank loads of vodka and a guy too advantage.

 

i dont belive her. but i got over that aswell as finding pictures of her at sevaral partys compleatly drunk with comments from other men underneith. she knew she wa sin the wrong and she apologised. then i went away fro the weekend with a friend and his family for a birthday. i came back and had L asking me if i had cheated again. it turnd out that a friend of mine (T) had bumped into some of L's friends and then L's friends went back and told L that i had cheated again. so she rang T asking if this was true (T is male) and they had a long conversation about our whole relationship, private things like condoms splitting and taking the morning aftr pill, and how i used to be controlling and she made up rubbish about her being scared of me and she told him that she didnt belive me about the S situation and so much other stuff i couldnt belive she was talking to my friend about.

 

i didnt find this out till i had to get it out of her through msn! but 2 mins before she was planning about seeing me acting all normal then i got uit out of her and she rang him while i was on the other phone and they admited it all. so i went mad as you would expect and edned it there and then, i had had anough of her and couldnt take anymore, and ill admit, i was crying my eyes out yet she wasnt effected at all, she was rubbing it in, justifying her actions. it has compleatly messed me up, i cant think straght, im suppost to be doing my a levels soon, i planned my life around her, everything, like to show how messed up it is, after she dumped me, i picked up my phone to ring her to tell her i had been dumped buy her! i forgot that quickly that she had left me. in the morining she rang apologising for everything and said she had spoken to her parents and they said she stabbed me in the back when i was there for her all the time. she was crying and admited she had cut herself in depression.

 

but now i dont know what to do, its been 2 days and my head is hurting so much, i feel like ive been shot and im bleeding to death. to be honest i wish i was dead rather than go through this, but i dotn have the balls to do it becuase i failed last time.

 

im so lost. i love her so much, but i hate her too

 

 

i need some advice, should i trust her? should i go back to her? can i go back to her? i cant stand being hurt like this.

i cant sleep.