NYY5 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Okay, so my ex who dumped me a year and a half ago, and who broke my no contact rule by texting me two days ago, texted me a lot more over the past hour. For those who don't know, her first text to me, after 10 months of silence, asked me if we could be friends again, because she needs a friend. I asked her what she meant by that, and got no response for a day, up until a hour or so ago. It gets kind of weird, but I'll try my best to explain. She texted me back, accusing me of not caring about her. Then she explained that just because she couldn't be in a relationship with me doesn't mean she wants me out of her life. Then she said "I guess I just believed all that unconditional love stuff," as if to say all the times I said I loved her unconditionally was a lie or something. She then apologized for hurting me, and said she had to try to be with me because it was all I'd want with her. The she accused me of being angry toward her, and that I was frustrated with her. Then she said to me, "Do you think it's easy for me to ignore my feelings?" She then said she lost her one and only friend (she meant me). She then said that having me in her life, in any form, means so much to her. Can anyone else make sense of this? Because I'm trying, but it's so confusing. I don't know which way to take this. She can't seem to understand that if we can't be in together the way we were, then it's just too painful for me to be just a friend. I guess this goes to show that she values the friendship side of this more than the romantic side, if there ever really was a truly romantic side. From what she said, I just can't tell. Sometimes I think she sees romantic relationships as fleeting, and not lasting. And that friendships are the things that truly last. I can understand why, because she's averages about one boyfriend a year, so of course she probably thinks that they all just eventually end. I just don't know what to do. I do still care about her, I do still love her, and I would want to be with her again, but she doesn't want that. And if she's with someone else, how can I willingly put myself through that pain? What are we going to do, hang out together and then all of a sudden, she has to leave to go see some boyfriend, or we get interrupted because he calls, or something like that? We tried that when we first broke up 8 years ago, and it didn't work. I'm so confused man, I don't know what to say to her.
allanDR Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 The only way I see around this is to spend more time apart until you don't feel the same sort of romantic love you feel towards her that you once did. Fall in love with someone else. I'm in the same situation. My ex wants to remain close friends but isn't in love with me anymore. And I'm apparently some sort of pig if I can't deal with that. I guess alot of this depends on how the relationship ended. If it was somewhat mutual and friendly I imagine it's much easier to remain friends. In my case, it seems impossible.
Author NYY5 Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 I doubt that spending more time apart will help, because we've spent a lot of time apart. I've felt the same way about her since I met her 10 years ago, so I don't think it will change any time soon. But I was prepared to accept not being able to be with her, if that is what she wanted. And it seems like that is what she wants. The break up was not mutual or friendly. But yet she wants to remain friends, she wants me in her life any way she can have me. She doesn't seem to fully understand how hard that is for me. I don't get how she can accuse me of not caring. If I didn't care, then it wouldn't hurt to see her be with other guys. If I didn't care, then there would be no feelings attached, and that would make it a lot easier to be "platonic friends," but she doesn't seem to get that. If she has no romantic feelings for me, and doesn't love me in that kind of way, I don't know why she wants so badly to have me in her life. If all she sees me as is a friend, then what's the big deal?
Biker2007 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 NYY5, You already have the words in you and probably know the right thing to do. I do still care about her, I do still love her, and I would want to be with her again, but she doesn't want that. And if she's with someone else, how can I willingly put myself through that pain? If she just wants you around as a buddy, then you know what you need to do. Your option is to hang around until she finds some body that will push you to the curb. Sound fun? Nope. You deserve better. Don't let anybody keep you as their Plan B. I know this is difficult...I gave my recent X the same words one year ago. It hurts, but I would rather be on my own and have a better chance to meet the one that considers me their Plan A. Good luck!
allanDR Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 If it's just too painful to see her with other people, then you need to not contact her at all. Most likely she still loves you to some degree and wants you around in case some day she realizes that she wants you back. I know it's probably tempting to succumb to this, but DON'T. You will just cause yourself more pain. The truth is, you shouldn't be around her, at all, and there's really no way for her to understand that feeling. She is no longer thinking about what's right for you, so you need to stop thinking about what she wants. If she can't be with you and you can't be friends with her, the only option is to tell her to stop contacting you. Love ****ing hurts and there usually isn't some happy medium.
Melrapuo Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 She seems to have issues with insecurity. I'm gonna guess that when the break up happened, she told you things like she didn't know what she was doing, that she still loved you but didn't want to be with you, yadda yadda. She's still trying to have her cake and eat it too. And she has no right for getting angry at you. She chose to lose you as both a friend and a boyfriend. And, if she truly cared for your friendship, I think she would've done more than this. Ignore her, for your own sake. You know you can do better than this.
sultry33 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 you have to focus on you, if its too much to be friends with her if she is with someone just say how you feel and if she cannot accept it thats her problem.. it would hurt me to see my ex with someone and when that happens to me that will be it for us.. i couldnt take it and i have enough friends.. only one good friend but hey.. as you have been apart a long time.. more time will ease it but do something now.. just tell her how it is for you then you wil get straight reply and be able to deal with it without confusion
BCCA Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Im willing to bet you have some friends that haven't broken your heart. She's just being really selfish, and not taking your feelings into account at all. I wouldn't bother with her at all anymore. Ignore the texts. Like someone else said, do you really want to be Plan B? All she can do is hurt you right now. Time is relative. It's going to take as long as it takes to get over this. Once you've been with some one longer than a couple years, they've become a pretty big part of your life, and filling the empty space can take a long time. Do yourself a huge favor, just completely ignore her from now on.
Recommended Posts