sheera4013 Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I have been single since last November. I have been using various online dating websites and met some guys who really peaked my interest. But I have always played it cool and just try to see where things take us. I don't initiate anything or let on how much I might dig them. However, the guys end up pursuing me sexually and when I've had sex with them they turn around and say they don't want a relationship. They just want to be friends with benefits. So I decided from now on, no more sex until our intentions were made clear. Last night, a guy and I decided to take our relationship to the next level and fooled around. When he asked to have sex, I explained why I didn't think it was a good idea. I said I didn't want things to "get weird." He then confirmed my fears that he just wanted to be friends with benefits. So I stuck to my guns and said no sex. He had no idea what to say! It blew his mind! He went in the bathroom for a while and when he came out, I left. What the hell is going on?!! I can't take it anymore. What am I doing wrong?! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 How soon are you placing yourself in a situation to even have sex? I definitely think there's a way to carry yourself and conduct yourself so that when a guy tries to seal the deal and you explain your position that he wouldn't be surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sheera4013 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 How soon are you placing yourself in a situation to even have sex? I definitely think there's a way to carry yourself and conduct yourself so that when a guy tries to seal the deal and you explain your position that he wouldn't be surprised. I was very gentile and diplomatic about it. I knew this guy for about a month and really just thought we were going to be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
paddington bear Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Don't have sex on the first date, or second date, try not to on third date. Instead of telling the guy why you're not having sex with them, just act like you will some time soon (which you will, you're not lying). If you explain that you want a relationship with them, hence the holding off of sex they will most likely pull back and offer the friends with benefits thing. You need to give them the time to get to know you, to like you, to want to see you again. Generally if you have sex too soon it's the end of something more meaningful...I hate to say it but a lot of cliches are true, men like the chase and all of that...sorry 'men' out there, but while I've certainly come across exceptions, I would say in general these cliches have some truth to them (no doubt for women too) Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 To be honest.. a large percentage of men on these dating sites just want sex.. they do not want the strings attached type of relationship.. Just make it clear BEFORE you even meet them the first time.. so there will be no surprises.. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I was very gentile and diplomatic about it. I knew this guy for about a month and really just thought we were going to be friends. You didn't answer my question. How soon are you even placing yourself in a position where they'd think sex was on the agenda? First date, second date? At their house? At yours? Rolling around on the couch? In bed? Sexual innuendo during your conversations, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sheera4013 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 Don't have sex on the first date, or second date, try not to on third date. Instead of telling the guy why you're not having sex with them, just act like you will some time soon (which you will, you're not lying). If you explain that you want a relationship with them, hence the holding off of sex they will most likely pull back and offer the friends with benefits thing. You need to give them the time to get to know you, to like you, to want to see you again. Generally if you have sex too soon it's the end of something more meaningful...I hate to say it but a lot of cliches are true, men like the chase and all of that...sorry 'men' out there, but while I've certainly come across exceptions, I would say in general these cliches have some truth to them (no doubt for women too) I think this is a great idea, but it just seems like a giant waste of time to wait until a guy makes the move for sex to explain what I'm looking for. I also tried to be upfront, my online profile explains what I'm looking for, exactly "no friends with benefits" and it still happens! I can't win. I know it must be something I'm doing, because the pattern is undeniable. I hate to play games though. Dating was so much easier when I was younger. :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Author sheera4013 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 You didn't answer my question. How soon are you even placing yourself in a position where they'd think sex was on the agenda? First date, second date? At their house? At yours? Rolling around on the couch? In bed? Sexual innuendo during your conversations, etc. One month, several dates, his house. Am I not supposed to flirt a few dates in? I don;t want to give the impression I'm a prude. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I think this is a great idea, but it just seems like a giant waste of time to wait until a guy makes the move for sex to explain what I'm looking for. I also tried to be upfront, my online profile explains what I'm looking for, exactly "no friends with benefits" and it still happens! I can't win. I know it must be something I'm doing, because the pattern is undeniable. I hate to play games though. Dating was so much easier when I was younger. :-( Do you have a picture on your profile? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sheera4013 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 Do you have a picture on your profile? Yes, isn't that the norm? Only head shots, no sexual implications. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 One month, several dates, his house. Am I not supposed to flirt a few dates in? I don;t want to give the impression I'm a prude. Flirting is one thing; blatant sexual innuendo is another. Your words have to match your actions in order for them to take your words (no FWB!) seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
paddington bear Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I think this is a great idea, but it just seems like a giant waste of time to wait until a guy makes the move for sex to explain what I'm looking for. I also tried to be upfront, my online profile explains what I'm looking for, exactly "no friends with benefits" and it still happens! I can't win. I know it must be something I'm doing, because the pattern is undeniable. I hate to play games though. Dating was so much easier when I was younger. :-( Try putting what you want on your profile and not what you don't want...somehow this seems to work in life too. Put 'relationship' or 'love' or instead, seriously, our brains sometimes pick up on certain things and I'll bet there's guys out there who see 'blur friends with benefits'. It's not something you're doing, you're just getting paranoid and it's because you're looking for dates on an online site, it's inevitable that people like yourself who join a dating site with the best intentions will be taken advantage of by those who pretend to offer something that they have no intention of giving. Link to post Share on other sites
paddington bear Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I didn't mean that in a bad way, by the way - there's no problem looking for love and dates on an online site, it's just inevitable that some will use the easy ability to meet members of the opposite sex for their own ends and lie about their intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Yes, isn't that the norm? Only head shots, no sexual implications. OK then that explains it.. they DO NOT read the profile.... they look at your pic.. if they like it .. send you a message... My advice: don't rely on your profile ONLY.. make sure they understand what you mean by NO SEX unless there is something going on.. simple as that.. that should solve your problem. Link to post Share on other sites
djhall Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I also tried to be upfront, my online profile explains what I'm looking for, exactly "no friends with benefits" and it still happens! I can't win. I know it must be something I'm doing, because the pattern is undeniable. The only two things that come to mind are first, what kind of dating site are you on? Something like eHarmony or True is going to probably going to have a very different kind of guy on average than say, CraigsList or AdultFriendFinder. The other is, do you communicate with these guys before you go on your first date? Are they emailing or calling after the initial online match and telling you they are looking to find someone for a long tern relationship, then admitting they are really just looking for friends with benefits after a few dates? I wonder if guys are seeing the "no friends with benefits" on the profile and ignoring it because they figure no girl would actually admit they were open to FWB even if they were, then assuming they were right when you don't bring it up again. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 The only two things that come to mind are first, what kind of dating site are you on? Something like eHarmony or True is going to probably going to have a very different kind of guy on average than say, CraigsList or AdultFriendFinder. Totally agree. I've had great success with eHarmony. If I hadn't moved away, I'd probably be engaged or married thanks to that site. I think if you're going through as much effort as it takes to even communicate with someone, and with the price, you're bound to find more relationship-oriented people. Match/Chemistry has been a mixed bag. I haven't encountered any guys looking for FWB only type relationships, but they're definitely more hesitant and flighty and flaky than the eH guys. I won't even bother with any other site. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sheera4013 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 The only two things that come to mind are first, what kind of dating site are you on? Something like eHarmony or True is going to probably going to have a very different kind of guy on average than say, CraigsList or AdultFriendFinder. The other is, do you communicate with these guys before you go on your first date? Are they emailing or calling after the initial online match and telling you they are looking to find someone for a long tern relationship, then admitting they are really just looking for friends with benefits after a few dates? I wonder if guys are seeing the "no friends with benefits" on the profile and ignoring it because they figure no girl would actually admit they were open to FWB even if they were, then assuming they were right when you don't bring it up again. My profile is on OKCupid. And they notice everything else on my profile (i.e. where I went to school and my profession). I always chat and talk on the phone for several weeks before meeting in person. And when I ask what they're looking for, they say something cliche like, "I just want to see where things go." Other guys have said they would like to be in a relationship too, which really burns me up. They want a relationship, just not with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Bells Posted September 2, 2008 Share Posted September 2, 2008 To be honest.. a large percentage of men on these dating sites just want sex.. they do not want the strings attached type of relationship.. Just make it clear BEFORE you even meet them the first time.. so there will be no surprises.. Have to agree on that one...there's something about keeping it online that makes these encounters discrete....and they feel less obligated to be in a relationship. Go online...meet woman....meet woman in public..meet woman at his/her place....have sex....go home back on comptuer and never talk to that woman again. Wash, rinse, repeat. Link to post Share on other sites
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