showupbutbroken Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 So, things had never really ended for me. These last few months things turned more to PA than ever. We never fully had sex but well, we had sex (I am not Bill Clinton). Earlier in August, he told me things were finally at the point where he was ready to make a change in his life. Not for me, for him. A few days later, I found out I had HPV. Now, before I hear about this, I was with one person many years ago, got it 2-1/2 years ago, had 3 paps since (every 6 months), with the 4th one, I was under the impression from my doctor it was gone (told me I was in the clear if he didn't call). When I went back a few weeks ago (1 year since I thought it was gone), it came out positive again. I IMMEDIATELY shared this with MM and he said it was too much. We haven't spoken since. Not even to say goodbye. I am sure this is typical but I feel like I was run over by a freight train. I NEVER would want to put anyone in any kind of jeopardy in regards to this. HPV is also fairly common (the % of people who have sex that get it is more than 50%). The only thing I have found is that the healthier you are, the better the chances of fighting it. I was really good at first but missing him has started to take over and I am fighting to get back the focus I had a few weeks ago. I cry at least once a day, have been trying to keep really busy, and feel like I am about to break. I am also dealing with mortgage and legal issues at the same time and just trying to keep my head above water with that. But my best friend is gone and it is so hard. What do I do now? I find it hard to motivate myself to go to the gym, eat right, and care because I feel defeated. And I really don't want to. I am sure a lot of you will think I am something bad because of this and he probably does also. But I just need to figure out how I get past this for me.
herenow Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 If I were you, I would get a new doctor who is better informed at educating you about HPV. There is no proof that HPV is cured even when the symptoms are gone. You can get a clean pap and still have HPV in your system. I don't blame the MM for not wanting to infect himself, his wife, or anyone no matter what the chances are. But, more important is that you haven't been properly informed about what is going on inside your own body and the true facts about HPV. Thankfully for all involved you didn't have sex because HPV can cause cancer and that is a fact.
Author showupbutbroken Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 I actually have been researching it on my own and discussing it with a friend that also has it. This is from Wed MD "Most sexually active women and men will contract HPV at some time in their lifetime. Most will never even know it. Usually, this virus does not cause any symptoms and doesn't cause disease. Often, the body can clear HPV infection on its own within two years or less." Everything I received from the doctor and have seen online says the body can clear the infection, it's all about each individual's immune system. So there is no need to make me feel bad about having it, I already do. I am also not questioning his decision to leave, everyone needs to make decisions that they feel are the best for them. I am just personally at my breaking point. I have not slept with very many people in my life and I am working to get past the feeling like I am bad and trying to focus on making myself healthier to better equip myself to battle it.
herenow Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I actually have been researching it on my own and discussing it with a friend that also has it. This is from Wed MD "Most sexually active women and men will contract HPV at some time in their lifetime. Most will never even know it. Usually, this virus does not cause any symptoms and doesn't cause disease. Often, the body can clear HPV infection on its own within two years or less." Everything I received from the doctor and have seen online says the body can clear the infection, it's all about each individual's immune system. So there is no need to make me feel bad about having it, I already do. I am also not questioning his decision to leave, everyone needs to make decisions that they feel are the best for them. I am just personally at my breaking point. I have not slept with very many people in my life and I am working to get past the feeling like I am bad and trying to focus on making myself healthier to better equip myself to battle it. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm trying to get you to see the facts about your own body. Sure, there are places on the web that will tell you the body can clear HPV on it's own, but most reliable doctors will tell you that it's more likely that the virus itself is never "cured". But, you can certainly believe what you want. There is a big difference between clearing an infection and getting rid of the virus permanently.
Soaked Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 So, things had never really ended for me. These last few months things turned more to PA than ever. We never fully had sex but well, we had sex (I am not Bill Clinton). Earlier in August, he told me things were finally at the point where he was ready to make a change in his life. Not for me, for him. A few days later, I found out I had HPV. Now, before I hear about this, I was with one person many years ago, got it 2-1/2 years ago, had 3 paps since (every 6 months), with the 4th one, I was under the impression from my doctor it was gone (told me I was in the clear if he didn't call). When I went back a few weeks ago (1 year since I thought it was gone), it came out positive again. I IMMEDIATELY shared this with MM and he said it was too much. We haven't spoken since. Not even to say goodbye. I am sure this is typical but I feel like I was run over by a freight train. I NEVER would want to put anyone in any kind of jeopardy in regards to this. HPV is also fairly common (the % of people who have sex that get it is more than 50%). The only thing I have found is that the healthier you are, the better the chances of fighting it. I was really good at first but missing him has started to take over and I am fighting to get back the focus I had a few weeks ago. I cry at least once a day, have been trying to keep really busy, and feel like I am about to break. I am also dealing with mortgage and legal issues at the same time and just trying to keep my head above water with that. But my best friend is gone and it is so hard. What do I do now? I find it hard to motivate myself to go to the gym, eat right, and care because I feel defeated. And I really don't want to. I am sure a lot of you will think I am something bad because of this and he probably does also. But I just need to figure out how I get past this for me. I'm sorry about your situation.. I don't know what to say... but i do know that trying to keep your head above water and defeated feeling.. We are in different situation but few moths ago I was kind of like you.. I couldn't eat (I really drops a lot of weight, people asked what's wrong with me) and I couldn't sleep as well... Now, even I'm not completely out of my dark spot.. but in a way I am doing better.. for sure I can eat (a lot! now) and I can sleep better (with sleeping pills)... I know for me it's baby steps.... but I am taking one thing at the time each day to get by... I truly wishing you well.. please take care of yourself.. because it really doesn't help anything for you not take care of yourself right.
complicatedlife Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 As a healthcare professional that educates people everyday - and sometimes about this topic, I offer the following information (I'm not trying to pick on anyone, just giving the correct, up to date information): There is no proof that HPV is cured even when the symptoms are gone. Actually, there is proof. SOME women have immune systems that kill the actual virus, and some do not - it takes about two years (more or less)for the virus to leave the body. This is confirmed by having several "normal" pap and HPV tests and remaining asymptomatic for a cerain period of time. You can get a clean pap and still have HPV in your system. That is true because a pap only tests for abnormal cells on the cervix. An HPV test checks for the virus in the body. Thankfully for all involved you didn't have sex because HPV can cause cancer and that is a fact. Believe it or not, you don't have to have actual sex to contract HPV - skin to skin contact can cause you to contract this virus as well - it is a virus of the skin. The only way to prevent contracting it from an infected person (and, by the way, 78% of the population now has this STD) is abstinence. Also, there are many, many strands of HPV - some cause cancer and some do not. The ones that do not cause cancer sometimes manifests as genital warts. Please speak with your physician and check the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) website for more information. http://www.cdc.gov/std/HPV/default.htm
LakesideDream Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Sorry about your HPV. Not a terrible thing, but not a positive either. From what I understand about HPV there is no "cure" the best treatment is keeping yourself healthy. You cannot blame your MM either. While he may not be completely informed on HPV, he doesen't need to be. As you say you two haven't "had sex" just everything else. By having sex with you he knows that he will bring with him the possibility of infecting any non infected woman he has sex with. Not just his current wife, but every woman he sleeps with in the future, and "the future" can be a very long time. He has done a responsible thing. He might have handled it better. Might have. NC is so rampant here, maybe he's doing the right thing. I feel sorry for your position, situation. Best of wishes.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Let me get this straight... 1. This woman is willingly choosing to have an relationship, but physical and emotional, with a married man. 2. She isn't looking to end it or feel bad about the fact she is not only disrespecting herself but another human being. 3. She has contracted an STD and may place ALL partners she has at risk (and I have a friend who got HPV from her deceased husband, and now she has warts in her vaginal area) for warts and cancer. And this is based on her sexual choices. 4. And now she is putting not only a louse of a man's life at risk, but his wife's whom may not know about her illicit activities with this woman's husband. And so we feel sorry for her because??? Is it sad you have HPV, very much so. Is it something that I would want anyone to catch? No. But, ain't no way a sane person with any kind of morals can sit here and side with her when her own loose moral activities with her body not only endanger her, but anyone she decides to sleep with. Questions... 1. Have you told any of your partners about your recent diagnosis? 2. Have you told this married man that he needs to be tested? 3. Have you told his wife? Folks THIS RIGHT HERE IS WHY most folks are quick and hard on people who willingly play the role of the other woman. Its not right, its not fair, and it hurts, and sometimes it hurts more permanently (like those spouses who contracted more harmful diseases because of the indescretions of their believed to be faithful spouse). What makes you think this woman wants someone else's crotch rot? Except for the sympathy that you have an STD. That is the furthest my sorrow for you goes. DNR
wildsoul Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Let me get this straight... Questions... 1. Have you told any of your partners about your recent diagnosis? 2. Have you told this married man that he needs to be tested? 3. Have you told his wife? DNR Read her post again. She said that she didn't think she was contagious because (according to her 1st doctor) she thought it was cured (wrong advice and/or misunderstanding on her part.) But when she DID find out that was not true, she told the MM she was with. She did not tell his wife. The xMM broke up with her as a result. She's posting here, after disclosing her diagnosis to her xMM, because she's in withdrawals after the combined shock of the diagnosis and the corresponding breakup. Whipping someone who is already out of the affair seems cruel. Give her a chance to access the damage, learn, and move on.
complicatedlife Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 There is no FDA approved test for men... Let me get this straight... Questions... 2. Have you told this married man that he needs to be tested?
wildsoul Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 There is no FDA approved test for men... Thanks for explaining! I wondered about that. Can I hi-jack a bit with another question? Q: Can you tell if a man has HPV or not, soley by whether he has warts/bumps or not? I learned the hard way that you can contract herpes from someone who does not have a visible outbreak, who doesn't know they have herpes, WHILE wearing condoms. I've wondered if HPV is the same, in that you can't always tell and rubbers don't prevent it 100%.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 She told the XMM. That's good. But his wife needs to know. If he didn't tell her about the affair, what makes you think he is going to tell her that it is possible he picked up an STD? No, this is her place to tell the man's wife and to make sure And Showupbutbroken, I am sorry if I was too harsh, my eyes missed the ex part. But, I still stand by the fact the affair was wrong period. And that if it were not for the fact you have a potentially dangerous disease, it does not sound like you feel any remorse about having an affair with an married man. And that is the whole point about what I said before. DNR
Dark-N-Romantic Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Thanks for explaining! I wondered about that. Can I hi-jack a bit with another question? Q: Can you tell if a man has HPV or not, soley by whether he has warts/bumps or not? I learned the hard way that you can contract herpes from someone who does not have a visible outbreak, who doesn't know they have herpes, WHILE wearing condoms. I've wondered if HPV is the same, in that you can't always tell and rubbers don't prevent it 100%. My friend who has genital warts, she did not know her husband had HPV. He had no signs. And this is why she needs to tell the wife of the possibilities. Especially since the wife can get some forms of cancer or if she is planning on having children/more children. Could there be any issues that might affect the child or her ability to have children? She really needs to tell the wife and here really is no other way around this. DNR
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 The wife deserves to know. I'm not sure if the laws are the same for HPV as it is for being HIV positive, but in Canada I'm pretty sure if someone tests positive, legally the MUST inform every single sexual partner to let them know. I was under the impression from my doctor it was gone If you Dr led you to believe this, then he/she should be SUED! It never goes away. It can be dormant for years, with no breakouts, but it never goes away. I suggest you seek some counselling to help you cope with all this.
bentnotbroken Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 And now someone who didn't chose to be a part of the A, maybe a life long part of the A. This is not said to beat anyone up, but I am just amazed that these types of scenarios never enter the minds of most people involved in A.
soda Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I know that folks were quick to jump on DNR, but I don't think that he's necessarily wrong. I do have sympathy for the original poster because I'm not heartless, but DNR didn't really analyze anything but the facts. Sometimes, the facts are painful and harsh. Reality kinda sucks that way. DNR's point, which seemed to be missed by many, was that affairs drag unwitting, innocent people into the mix. In this case, the BS is now at a significant health risk. I have sympathy for the original poster's medical condition, but not so much that I think she deserves to be completely insulated from the reality that she might have harmed an innocent person with her selfish behavior. The reality is that the original poster needs to make this right by telling the BS to get checked. It will be hard, but she needs to make this right. Her desire to hide from her affair does not supersede her obligation to show some respect to someone else's life. Original poster would want to know the facts if the situation were reversed. Let me get this straight... 1. This woman is willingly choosing to have an relationship, but physical and emotional, with a married man. 2. She isn't looking to end it or feel bad about the fact she is not only disrespecting herself but another human being. 3. She has contracted an STD and may place ALL partners she has at risk (and I have a friend who got HPV from her deceased husband, and now she has warts in her vaginal area) for warts and cancer. And this is based on her sexual choices. 4. And now she is putting not only a louse of a man's life at risk, but his wife's whom may not know about her illicit activities with this woman's husband. And so we feel sorry for her because??? Is it sad you have HPV, very much so. Is it something that I would want anyone to catch? No. But, ain't no way a sane person with any kind of morals can sit here and side with her when her own loose moral activities with her body not only endanger her, but anyone she decides to sleep with. Questions... 1. Have you told any of your partners about your recent diagnosis? 2. Have you told this married man that he needs to be tested? 3. Have you told his wife? Folks THIS RIGHT HERE IS WHY most folks are quick and hard on people who willingly play the role of the other woman. Its not right, its not fair, and it hurts, and sometimes it hurts more permanently (like those spouses who contracted more harmful diseases because of the indescretions of their believed to be faithful spouse). What makes you think this woman wants someone else's crotch rot? Except for the sympathy that you have an STD. That is the furthest my sorrow for you goes. DNR
herenow Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I DNR's point, which seemed to be missed by many, was that affairs drag unwitting, innocent people into the mix. In this case, the BS is now at a significant health risk. I have sympathy for the original poster's medical condition, but not so much that I think she deserves to be completely insulated from the reality that she might have harmed an innocent person with her selfish behavior. The reality is that the original poster needs to make this right by telling the BS to get checked. It will be hard, but she needs to make this right. Her desire to hide from her affair does not supersede her obligation to show some respect to someone else's life. Original poster would want to know the facts if the situation were reversed. The problem is that the OP believes that HVP is curable and the body's immune system can "cure" the virus. Until she herself gets some real education on HPV I don't think she will understand the risks she has placed on the BW or anyone else that is involved. Even if they didn't have sex, it sounds like they had sexual conduct and that can be enough to spread the virus. This OP needs a knowledgeable doctor to explain the facts about HVP in a way that she understands. She thinks that clearing an HPV infection is the same as curing the virus.
herenow Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Also, there are many, many strands of HPV - some cause cancer and some do not. The ones that do not cause cancer sometimes manifests as genital warts. Please speak with your physician and check the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) website for more information. http://www.cdc.gov/std/HPV/default.htm CL, here is a quote from the CDC website that you mentioned in your post: "There is no treatment for the virus itself, but a healthy immune system can usually fight off HPV naturally. There are treatments for the diseases that HPV can cause." As a health professional, I would assume that you know the difference between curing the infection caused by a virus and actually ridding the body of the virus itself. When they say "fight off" they mean fight off the infections that HVP can cause. At this point, there is no proven "cure" for the virus which is why they recommend the vaccine for young women. You used the word asymptomatic. That means that the person shows no signs of an infection caused by the virus. That doesn't mean the "virus" is gone or that the person can't spread the virus to another person. Reality is, the strains of HPV that don't show symptoms can in fact be the most dangerous. This is exactly what I mean when I say that the OP needs to speak to a doctor with full understanding of the HPV virus.
wildsoul Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 CL, here is a quote from the CDC website that you mentioned in your post: "There is no treatment for the virus itself, but a healthy immune system can usually fight off HPV naturally. There are treatments for the diseases that HPV can cause." Yanno, I think that CDC quote is poorly worded! I already knew that HPV was one of those viruses that can't be cured, but reading that quote objectively, I can see how someone who didn't know the truth might interpret it wrong. "Fight off" is confusing! And even the part about "no treatment" is vague. It's great that you are posting these clarifications!
herenow Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Yanno, I think that CDC quote is poorly worded! I already knew that HPV was one of those viruses that can't be cured, but reading that quote objectively, I can see how someone who didn't know the truth might interpret it wrong. "Fight off" is confusing! And even the part about "no treatment" is vague. It's great that you are posting these clarifications! It's also confusing when someone posts that they are a health care professional and that there is proof that the HVP virus can be cured. That's why I felt the need to clarify. I'm not saying that I'm an expert, I'm not. But, when there are health care professionals giving wrong advice to their patients (like the OP's doctor if he did say the virus was gone) I would still have to say that she needs to find a new doctor who is better inform about women's heath issues. IMO it's what's best for her own heath and those who she is and has been involved with.
jj33 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 THere is no legal requirement anywhere that I am aware of to report HPV to anyone. It does not effect men they are merely carriers. It can impact womens health if iaisrot
jj33 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I started a post that I think got away. HPV does not impact men they are silent carriers. It impacts women and it sounds like icing is getting appropriate treatment but her doctor has not given her much information. It never really goes away. Once you have it youve got it it can flare up and it can cause all sorts of problems which is why she is having the PAP smears. There is NO legal requirement anywhere to tell all prior partners or anyone about it. The virus is so common that some doctors even recommend not saying anything because it is so very common. I know that will sound irresponsible but that says something about just how common and non fatal it is. To compare it to herpes or HIV is overkill. Icing very sorry. He sound like he is dealing with the idea that knowing this he will have to tell his W and will have to explain everything and just cant cope with it. The potential of having to tell his W that not only was he cheating but that he may have HPV and may have given it to W is more than he bargained for. He is blaming the messenger rather than taking responsibility for the fact that you didnt just drop this little gift on their doorstep. He was responsible as well. Im very sorry for your pain. Its a very harsh way to find out what he is made of. And HPV is not the end of the world. You will be fine.
redfathom Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Did you tell him before or after you two had sex that you MAY have an STD???
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 She didn't know until afterwards as she was under the impression that it went away for good - BAD advice from her doctor..
redfathom Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I think that is pretty silly on her part. To assume it went away because some tests came up negative. Why did she then get tested after having sex with him... She took it upon herself to go get tested after they had sex, which was good of her, but she should have got the all clear before or at least told him there was the possability she MAY still have it. It should have been hi choice to make with all the facts. He didn't get the all clear from her doctor, she did.
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