Jump to content

If the spark has gone, then you should be gone too!!!!!!!!

Lishy

By Lishy
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

  • Author
Lishy Established Member

Lishy

Posted
  • Author
Posted

That would be a lovely story for a fairytail L&F, but it is not real life.

 

Again I reiterate that I am not talking about a bad patch I mean when you KNOW its over and there is no helping you

 

I think everyone should try try and try again when things get bad but sometimes it cannot be repaired!

motive2002 Established Member

motive2002

Posted
Posted
farmers market-on-a-Sunday-morning, chinese-takeaway-and-DVD-on-a-Friday-night

 

I'm late to the thread but, what's wrong with this exactly? I don't have a ton of experience co-existing with someone, but things you do together, despite how mundane they seem is good.

Worse is one is watching a tv show while the other is chatting on the computer. No interaction at all.

 

The spark will fade. It's inevitable. So you can spend the rest of your life chasing after the next one, or learn how to keep the one you have smoldering.

Tony T Established Member

Tony T

Posted
Posted

The very nature of physical chemistry dictates firmly that sparks don't last forever. Familiarity, day to day trials and tribulations, children, work, bills, fatigue, etc. all grind hard at those sparks and in most cases all but eliminate them. If you truly believe you should leave after the sparks stop flying, that's totally fine. If that was the social rule, the vast majority of married people would be parted in time. God bless those handful who actually do keep the sparks alive!

 

It's certainly different for everybody but I think in the long run the very best most people can hope for, even if the fireworks were nuclear in the beginning, is a comfortable, stable friendship based on companionate love and trust. As a matter of fact, I would say it's pretty immature to think the lust and sparks will last forever. I think it is mature to believe that after a time some sparks may fly now and then in between the bullshxt life throws at us.

 

The number one cause of divorce is unreasonable demands and expectations. If you demand or expect eternal fireworks, any relationship is destined to failure from the start. There are some people who are romance junkies and they tend to move on from one relationship to another after the sparks subside. I think that's the best thing to do if you're one of those and spare any possible children and other innocent victims from your irrational expectations.

 

As Dr. Phil would say..."Get real, people!"

Tony T Established Member

Tony T

Posted
Posted
The spark will fade. It's inevitable. So you can spend the rest of your life chasing after the next one, or learn how to keep the one you have smoldering.

 

Sorry I wasted all the time on my post when you said it a whole lot better!

Exposeursoul New Member

Exposeursoul

Posted
Posted

Tony T. I was very impressed with your comments. I have a situation and hope you or anybody else can help. I recently got engaged to a man, 18 years my senior. I love him very much and am still very attracted to him physically and emotionally after 7 years of seeing each other. However, I don't think he feels the same about me. No hot sex any more. He doesn't initiate anything. He has a lot of energy working out 3 times a week and doing all kinds of projects but is always tired around me. He doesn't initiate anything and refuses my moves often. Even when we do it, I could tell he does it to please me and doesn't really enjoy it. I tried to be understanding because he does have physical conditions and he is 18 year older (mid 60s) than me. It makes me really sad when I think about it. I don't think I am unattractive but I don't feel wanted and desired at all. I am afraid he gets it somewhere else. If I know for sure it is pure physical limitation, I am sure we can deal with it, find other way to be intimate. My biggest dilemma is that I don't know what is wrong with us. Being faithful is very important to me. If we can not have that, our relationship (i.e. romantic/marital) has no meaning to exist.

Don't men have need too? If they don't have it in the committed relationship, do they go somewhere to get it? What should I do? Would a marriage survive this? Please help.

soserious1 Established Member

soserious1

Posted
Posted
The very nature of physical chemistry dictates firmly that sparks don't last forever. Familiarity, day to day trials and tribulations, children, work, bills, fatigue, etc. all grind hard at those sparks and in most cases all but eliminate them. If you truly believe you should leave after the sparks stop flying, that's totally fine. If that was the social rule, the vast majority of married people would be parted in time. God bless those handful who actually do keep the sparks alive!

 

It's certainly different for everybody but I think in the long run the very best most people can hope for, even if the fireworks were nuclear in the beginning, is a comfortable, stable friendship based on companionate love and trust. As a matter of fact, I would say it's pretty immature to think the lust and sparks will last forever. I think it is mature to believe that after a time some sparks may fly now and then in between the bullshxt life throws at us.

 

The number one cause of divorce is unreasonable demands and expectations. If you demand or expect eternal fireworks, any relationship is destined to failure from the start. There are some people who are romance junkies and they tend to move on from one relationship to another after the sparks subside. I think that's the best thing to do if you're one of those and spare any possible children and other innocent victims from your irrational expectations.

 

As Dr. Phil would say..."Get real, people!"

 

 

If the "best most people can hope for is a comfortable, stable friendship"

 

Wouldn't we all be better off just getting a room mate? Heck,then if your house mate moves out you're not stuck giving them half your stuff.

Tony T Established Member

Tony T

Posted
Posted
If the "best most people can hope for is a comfortable, stable friendship"

 

Wouldn't we all be better off just getting a room mate? Heck,then if your house mate moves out you're not stuck giving them half your stuff.

 

I truly hate to break this to you...hate to be the one. Those major sparks you feel at the beginning of a relationship are natures way of calling two people to mate and procreate. The ONLY thing nature cares about is lovers having babies. Once that mission is carried out, nature cares not a bit about how the two get along after that. It's totally up to the people.

 

Romance is work...it's damned hard work. This isn't something I cooked up...not a statistic I made up. The truth is that very few feel a lot of sparks after years of marriage. Ask around, read around. If you feel differently, God bless you and work very hard to create a situation for yourself where you can preserve that special feeling. It can be done.

 

And, yes, better than fifty percent of married people end up divorced, splitting up their "stuff" in half. The rest fall into many categories with the very small top percentage retaining a measure of the passion they had in the beginning. I think it's just human nature. It is one of our characteristics that we take that which is readily available and around a lot for granted after a period of time.

 

Some people are certainly better off with a roommate they can get along with. The work in that situation is not nearly as hard as a relationship.

Tony Established Member

Tony

Posted
  • Senior Moderators
Posted
Tony T. I was very impressed with your comments. I have a situation and hope you or anybody else can help. I recently got engaged to a man, 18 years my senior. I love him very much and am still very attracted to him physically and emotionally after 7 years of seeing each other. However, I don't think he feels the same about me. No hot sex any more. He doesn't initiate anything. He has a lot of energy working out 3 times a week and doing all kinds of projects but is always tired around me. He doesn't initiate anything and refuses my moves often. Even when we do it, I could tell he does it to please me and doesn't really enjoy it. I tried to be understanding because he does have physical conditions and he is 18 year older (mid 60s) than me. It makes me really sad when I think about it. I don't think I am unattractive but I don't feel wanted and desired at all. I am afraid he gets it somewhere else. If I know for sure it is pure physical limitation, I am sure we can deal with it, find other way to be intimate. My biggest dilemma is that I don't know what is wrong with us. Being faithful is very important to me. If we can not have that, our relationship (i.e. romantic/marital) has no meaning to exist.

Don't men have need too? If they don't have it in the committed relationship, do they go somewhere to get it? What should I do? Would a marriage survive this? Please help.

 

I regret that you hijacked this thread. Please take the above situation and put it in a thread all by itself out of courtesy to the original poster in this thread. Also, please never ask a specific member to respond but leave your thread and problem open to the entire LoveShack community. Thank you!

Exposeursoul New Member

Exposeursoul

Posted
Posted

I have to apologize for hijacking the thread. I am relatively new to this and don't know the etiquette. I will move it to another place. Thanks.

soserious1 Established Member

soserious1

Posted
Posted
I truly hate to break this to you...hate to be the one. Those major sparks you feel at the beginning of a relationship are natures way of calling two people to mate and procreate. The ONLY thing nature cares about is lovers having babies. Once that mission is carried out, nature cares not a bit about how the two get along after that. It's totally up to the people.

 

Romance is work...it's damned hard work. This isn't something I cooked up...not a statistic I made up. The truth is that very few feel a lot of sparks after years of marriage. Ask around, read around. If you feel differently, God bless you and work very hard to create a situation for yourself where you can preserve that special feeling. It can be done.

 

And, yes, better than fifty percent of married people end up divorced, splitting up their "stuff" in half. The rest fall into many categories with the very small top percentage retaining a measure of the passion they had in the beginning. I think it's just human nature. It is one of our characteristics that we take that which is readily available and around a lot for granted after a period of time.

 

Some people are certainly better off with a roommate they can get along with. The work in that situation is not nearly as hard as a relationship.

 

I agree with you, I learned the hard way that marriage is hard work, too bad I learned it at the cost of half of everything I own. Hindsight is 20/20 how I wish I knew then what I know now.Marriage imho isn't worth the amount of work and effort involved. I'd have been better off with a room mate, it would have saved me money and probably been a much more rewarding connection.

Cheesecake Member

Cheesecake

Posted
Posted
The very nature of physical chemistry dictates firmly that sparks don't last forever. Familiarity, day to day trials and tribulations, children, work, bills, fatigue, etc. all grind hard at those sparks and in most cases all but eliminate them. If you truly believe you should leave after the sparks stop flying, that's totally fine. If that was the social rule, the vast majority of married people would be parted in time. God bless those handful who actually do keep the sparks alive!

 

It's certainly different for everybody but I think in the long run the very best most people can hope for, even if the fireworks were nuclear in the beginning, is a comfortable, stable friendship based on companionate love and trust. As a matter of fact, I would say it's pretty immature to think the lust and sparks will last forever. I think it is mature to believe that after a time some sparks may fly now and then in between the bullshxt life throws at us.

 

The number one cause of divorce is unreasonable demands and expectations. If you demand or expect eternal fireworks, any relationship is destined to failure from the start. There are some people who are romance junkies and they tend to move on from one relationship to another after the sparks subside. I think that's the best thing to do if you're one of those and spare any possible children and other innocent victims from your irrational expectations.

 

As Dr. Phil would say..."Get real, people!"

 

I disagree 100%. My parents have been married for 42 years, are still in love, still make love, still affectionate, still travel and are each others best friend. Its a beautiful thing. And I've seen several long term marriages that still have that....well "spark" may not be the right term but "connection". It is clear as day. And then there are many people they don't and perhaps never have that connection to begin with....they had other priorities like marriage and children because it was the next logical step in life. Or perhaps they were too young to really know who they were and what they truly wanted in life so they chose the status quo or maybe were "in love" at one point but have grown to be a completely different person.

 

Anyway, if you don't believe true love exists, then that is nothing more than your opinion, not fact.

crystal_lostheart Established Member

crystal_lostheart

Posted
Posted

I honestly think people rush into things too quickly and when 'sparks' die - they think everything has ended. It shouldn't be that way. I guess you should really never stop working at things in a relationship, especially if you are M.

If you look at couples generations ago like our parents/grandparents - they stayed together. They tried. Not saying all of them should have stayed together, especially if there was nothing left and they grew so far apart.... I guess it just wasn't as socially aaceptable to divorce.... but with today's generation, it is just too easy to give up sometimes and stop working at things and people take that option.....hence A's . It's quite sad if you think about it. So many people get hurt.....

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

So, what would be the appropriate time period? As an example, I've been "working" on things for a couple years now and have been in regular MC nearly a year. I can now calmly articulate our differences when they arise and try methods to bend and compromise. I can see my wife doesn't ignore me as much as she used to. We've risen to the level of cordial roommates :)

  • Author
Lishy Established Member

Lishy

Posted
  • Author
Posted
So, what would be the appropriate time period? As an example, I've been "working" on things for a couple years now and have been in regular MC nearly a year. I can now calmly articulate our differences when they arise and try methods to bend and compromise. I can see my wife doesn't ignore me as much as she used to. We've risen to the level of cordial roommates :)

 

And are you happy with that?

 

Wow that really saddens me:(

  • Author
Lishy Established Member

Lishy

Posted
  • Author
Posted
wife doesn't ignore me as much as she used to. We've risen to the level of cordial roommates :)

 

And you are happy to live this way?

 

This does not make sense and topped by the fact that you seem happy about it, it makes even less sense to me!

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
And you are happy to live this way?

 

This does not make sense and topped by the fact that you seem happy about it, it makes even less sense to me!

No, I'm not happy about it, but I decided to clear my head completely of the rancor and stress that was caused by my caring for my mother and make sure our marriage is dead because of both of us, not circumstances beyond our control. Two years post-placement has just passed and I'm honoring my parent's teachings not to make hasty decisions in life. I also have other considerations that I'm dealing with legally. It's a process :)

angie2443 Established Member

angie2443

Posted
Posted
No, I'm not happy about it, but I decided to clear my head completely of the rancor and stress that was caused by my caring for my mother and make sure our marriage is dead because of both of us, not circumstances beyond our control. Two years post-placement has just passed and I'm honoring my parent's teachings not to make hasty decisions in life. I also have other considerations that I'm dealing with legally. It's a process :)

 

Whatever decision you end up making about your marriage, I wish you the best. It's nice to see a person grow and learn on these boards. Good luck:).

  • Author
Lishy Established Member

Lishy

Posted
  • Author
Posted
No, I'm not happy about it, but I decided to clear my head completely of the rancor and stress that was caused by my caring for my mother and make sure our marriage is dead because of both of us, not circumstances beyond our control. Two years post-placement has just passed and I'm honoring my parent's teachings not to make hasty decisions in life. I also have other considerations that I'm dealing with legally. It's a process :)

 

Well my love, you sound like such a wonderful man and you obviously know what you are doing and I hope and pray you get the REAL happiness you so deserve one day soon. I do not know your story off hand but I will read it if it is on here and I have spare time

 

You are so right about the hasty decisions and your parents are obviously wonderful people

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

I am hopeful that happiness will be with my wife, as she has so many good qualities and overcame a lot of obstacles I never had to deal with (in the parenting department). I think my mom would be mortified that her disease had such an effect on me and our M but life is what it is. So, perhaps, not rushing to the door once the spark is gone, for me, is respect for the role model she was of a woman who valued her commitments and stuck to them.

 

Our psychologist likes timelines. Setting goals and working towards them. Working to live. Enjoying the small things. Well, at least I know where my work lies :)

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...