If the spark has gone, then you should be gone too!!!!!!!!

[Ruby Slippers]

in our very biggest argument, the night before I filed he barged into the bathroom while I was drying off from a shower,dragged me in front of the mirror and proceeded to point out and list every single thing wrong with my body. I'll remember him saying "what man wouldn't be totally grossed out by your old azz ? "

 

those words will haunt me for the rest of my life:(

Have you considered seeing a counselor? I think you could really use it. This man was extremely verbally abusive, and I think you need some help recovering from his abuse.

[Lishy]

We create that spark every day. If you stop doing that, your just lazy. So, I'm not sure what your point was.

 

I dont think you are getting the gist

 

I am talking about when it is IRREPARABLE! When you are jut taying for staying's sake!

 

Why do some people just see what they want to see?

[stoopid_guy]

The worst thing you can do is stay for the kids! Kids need happy parents and better to be seperated and happy then together and miserable!

 

You have one life, dont be miserable in a marriage or partnership that makes you feel like crap!

"Sparkless" isn't the same as "miserable." There's a difference between an a-hole like a certain husband that was mentioned here earlier, and someone who simply has no sexual desire.

 

Yeah, if he or she is an a-hole, get out. If, however, you still like the other person in a purely platonic way, you share a life together, you have kids, pets, a home, then the decision to leave for nothing but intimacy is not so easy.

[Lishy]

SG, please read carefully I will say this again - I am talking about when the relationship is dead & buried - Capish?

 

I am not talking about just feeling a bit unhappy, I am talking about people who stay when the relationhip is DEAD!

[Lishy]

Guessing you mean sexual attraction, right? ("Attractive" doesn't necessarily mean "Sexy."

)

 

I mean when you look at your partner and feel NADDA! You dont want to be with them anymore

 

Not butterlies or sexual desire or ups and downs

 

Get it now?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I dont think you are getting the gist

I am talking about when it is IRREPARABLE! When you are jut taying for staying's sake!

Why do some people just see what they want to see?

 

At what point does it become that broken?

 

There are some actions you can take which will break a relationship, however most poeple are just too lazy to try.

 

I know because I've been through it. I had the fortitude to end things, because I felt like I was being forced to be the bad guy. Honestly, I never thought you could drive a man into the arms of another woman, until I lived as that guy. It's miserable, and I don't regret walking away.

[Lishy]

It creeps up slowly until one day you realise you feel happy when your partner goes out and miserable when they come home!

 

Not good!! ........ and good on you for getting out!

[stoopid_guy]

SG, please read carefully I will say this again - I am talking about when the relationship is dead & buried - Capish?

I capish. My point: Relationships are multi-dimensional. A friendship can survive even if romance is dead & buried. My wife and I are friends, but I have to find my sparks elsewhere. There are those who think I should leave my wife before going to other sparks.

 

It creeps up slowly until one day you realise you feel happy when your partner goes out and miserable when they come home!

 

Not good!! ........ and good on you for getting out!

When one feels that way, totally agree, it's time to leave.

[marlena]

Lishy,

 

How people interact is a mystery. You can never know the inner dynamics of a couple. A relationship is comprised of two human beings,with their own set of values, their own fears,insecurities and expectations,their weaknesses and strengths and more importantly, ultimately, their own unique personalities. Each when entering the relationship will bring into it the sum total of their past experiences and all that it encompasses.

 

Some people are stronger,braver,more independent and fearless when it comes to taking the path less trodden while others cringe at the very thought of disrupting the status quo.

 

The core reasons are as wide as they are varied and can most certainly be traced back to early established patterns and learned behavours in their lives.

 

Outsiders looking on can not understand for they do not share the same range of experiences that produce certain types of behavioural patterns and mental processes.

 

Misery seems to work for some couples as in the case, let's say of abusive relationships, whether physical or emotional, the dynamic feeds their needs and they thrive on it for it is all they know. As do other couples who relish in arguments and drama and call it "passion" which it very well may be..for them.

 

The spark you speak about will inevitably die for it is but just a spark, once ignited doomed to die. What remains after the spark has fizzled out is what is important.

 

I agree with the poster that persisting in staying in a loveless,cold and empty partnership is mostly born of fear,preconceived notions and societal or familial values that others have instilled in us....and,yes,many times, it is as Lizzie said, out of sheer convenience.

 

Some people are just too lazy,too weak, too complacent, too frightened or just too conveniently settled to take the giant leap. It takes an emotionally very strong and highly independent person to break loose from a slatemate situation that has become all too comfortable and familar to him. For many others, the world yonder looms as a terrifying place.

 

And it takes time to sort out the confusion, the maelstrom twirling in your head, the conflicting emotions that tear you apart. I think that as one grows older and wiser, one grows stronger and truer to oneself.

 

In the final analysis, we all get what we deserve, IMO.

[OpenBook]

I think that as one grows older and wiser, one grows stronger and truer to oneself.

 

Well said, Marlena!! Which is why it puzzles me even more why older people tend to stay in their M when it is an unhappy union... Isn't that like dying a slow death?

 

Or maybe they're not really that unhappy in the first place??

[Lishy]

I capish. My point: Relationships are multi-dimensional. A friendship can survive even if romance is dead & buried. My wife and I are friends, but I have to find my sparks elsewhere. There are those who think I should leave my wife before going to other sparks.

 

 

 

When one feels that way, totally agree, it's time to leave.

 

 

Absolutely a friendship can survive ... If you part! If not you will grow to detest each other a you do not make eachother happy! You can part and remain good friends and meet someone else who you will be happier with!

 

I agree with the people who say you should leave! Would your wife still be your 'friend' if she knew about your daliances?

[marlena]

Which is why it puzzles me even more why older people tend to stay in their M when it is an unhappy union...

 

It befuddles me as well. When I was younger, I put up with a lot of things that I wouldn't put up with now for even a day!

 

Or maybe they're not really that unhappy in the first place??

 

Or maybe they have just been so unhappy all their lives that they wouldn't know happiness if it stared them in the face. Conditioned to misery. I know so many people like that...so pathetically sad. You'd think that have the wisdom of their years.

 

Like I said, OB, we all get what we deserve in the end.

[Lishy]

Marlena I agree with you 100% (as always)

 

The truth remains though that no matter what your reasons, there is no reason to stay in a place that makes you miserable and with a person you do not want to be with

 

Imagine this being written on your grave stone

 

R.I.P

"She was miserable until the day she died"

Dec 1967-Sep 2008

[Lishy]

Well said, Marlena!! Which is why it puzzles me even more why older people tend to stay in their M when it is an unhappy union... Isn't that like dying a slow death?

 

Or maybe they're not really that unhappy in the first place??

 

I believe that some people like moaning and being miserable, the are happy being miserable so they are never miserable lol

 

I am not talking about those people

 

I mean when really do not want to be with that person and yet you make excuses to stay ... There is no excuse!

[marlena]

The truth remains though that no matter what your reasons, there is no reason to stay in a place that makes you miserable and with a person you do not want to be with

 

 

 

Objectively speaking, Lishy, there isn't. Any person in his right head can see that.

 

I can perhaps understand people who are emotionally crippled in a bad relationship because they are unheathy individuals to begin with and need help. Or someone too young to have formed a crystallized identity.

 

It is the people who stay for selfish reasons, for example, cake-eaters,gold-diggers, or cowards that I have absolutely no respect for. They should at least stop complaining and driving others insane.

[stoopid_guy]

Would your wife still be your 'friend' if she knew about your daliances?

Good question.

She has what she wants, a guy who likes to cook, is handy around the home, makes a respectable income, is presentable in public, and (no longer) makes any requests for intimacy.

 

I don't know how she'd react. I do know it would largely depend on how it was presented. She's all about appearances. If she figured it out on her own, it wouldn't be nearly as big a deal as if her friends figured it out and told her. (And before anyone argues that point, I'll point out that you don't know her like I do.)

[Lishy]

So Stoopid Guy, do you believe that you are doing the right thing?

[stoopid_guy]

So Stoopid Guy, do you believe that you are doing the right thing?

I made the choice that was right (or least wrong?) for all partys.

[RobertLS]

I think one reason people can't get up the courage to get out is because of the finality of such a decision. I've heard of cases of couples re-marrying each other after divorcing, but my guess is the chances of that are pretty slim. So when faced with the choice to separate, I think people are afraid that they might regret it later -- afraid that the grass may not be greener on the other side. They also might wonder if they just happen to be going through an extended rough spot. "Maybe things'll get better tomorrow, or next week," they may think. How long do you wait for it to get better? I don't know. Even if you set a time limit and reach it, you still may wonder if you should wait just one more week. It's a really difficult choice to make. Especially if you have a lot invested in the relationship such as kids, finances, time. The more ties you have, the harder it is to separate. You want to be absolutely sure you're making the right decision.

 

I agree that once you've decided the relationship is irreparable, you shouldn't stay together just because you don't want to hurt your partner. If I felt my wife was staying with me just because she didn't want to hurt me, I don't think I'd try to hold on to her. It would be better to get over the emotional trauma of separation and move on. But I would want to make sure she had thought long and hard about separation and wasn't acting on a whim.

[mockeryjones]

how juvenile this whole thread is.

 

the original premise rests upon the assumption that marriage / love is supposed to make you happy and that it's not working if you aren't happy.

 

it further rests upong the assumption that life is about being happy all the time. The really scary thing is that in the western world that kind of solely self serving attitude is what passes for for liberated maturity.

[Lishy]

how juvenile this whole thread is.

 

the original premise rests upon the assumption that marriage / love is supposed to make you happy and that it's not working if you aren't happy.

 

it further rests upong the assumption that life is about being happy all the time. The really scary thing is that in the western world that kind of solely self serving attitude is what passes for for liberated maturity.

 

Let me guess, you are in an unhappy marriage but are making excuses to stay?

[RobertLS]

how juvenile this whole thread is.

 

the original premise rests upon the assumption that marriage / love is supposed to make you happy and that it's not working if you aren't happy.

 

it further rests upong the assumption that life is about being happy all the time. The really scary thing is that in the western world that kind of solely self serving attitude is what passes for for liberated maturity.

 

Well, I think most people in the western world believe that you only have one life to live, and you might as well try to be happy in that life.

 

If you have non-western beliefs such as reincarnation, then I suppose that it's ok for you to not be happy in this life and hope you'll be happier in a later life.

 

Happiness is a fundamental goal in the U.S., and I'm sure in other countries as well. "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" is one of the more well-known parts of the U.S. Declaration of Independence.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I think the whole idea of walking out on a commitment because you no longer feel a 'spark' is a selfish attitude.

 

I agree, though, with most things, if it doesn't WORK for you, leave it alone! But people aren't disposable. It's not like, oh, watermelon doesn't agree with me, I ought to just not eat it. This is people, a spouse and children to whom you (general 'you') have made a commitment, and anyone who would walk out because of lack of sparks is, imho, a selfish coward.

 

Why is this even in this section of the forum? "Walk away!" seems an odd message to send to people who are genuinely concerned about KEEPING thier marriage.

[Lishy]

I think the whole idea of walking out on a commitment because you no longer feel a 'spark' is a selfish attitude.

 

I agree, though, with most things, if it doesn't WORK for you, leave it alone! But people aren't disposable. It's not like, oh, watermelon doesn't agree with me, I ought to just not eat it. This is people, a spouse and children to whom you (general 'you') have made a commitment, and anyone who would walk out because of lack of sparks is, imho, a selfish coward.

 

Why is this even in this section of the forum? "Walk away!" seems an odd message to send to people who are genuinely concerned about KEEPING thier marriage.

 

 

 

I think it is more selfish to your partner and kids to stay when you dont want to as it will show and make everyone unhappy!

 

If you dont want your partner, at least have the decency to let her/him go and meet someone who DOES want them and give you the chance to be happy too!

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I think it is more selfish to your partner and kids to stay when you dont want to as it will show and make everyone unhappy!

 

If you dont want your partner, at least have the decency to let her/him go and meet someone who DOES want them and give you the chance to be happy too!

 

BUT...(knew I was gonna say that, right?)...there had to be something to begin with. Why would you marry and have kids with someone who didn't quite 'do it for you'?

 

LAME CAMPING METAPHOR AHEAD:

 

You might think the sparks are gone and the flame is out, but stir the coals a bit and add a little more fuel, and you'll have enough fire for another meal, another cold night, and the stories you tell over the once-again-burning campfire will make you wonder why ever thought of packing up and leaving in the first place.

 

/lame camping metaphor