If the spark has gone, then you should be gone too!!!!!!!!

[Lishy]

I would like to talk about men and women who stay together, not because they are in love but because they cannot pluck up the courage to get out!

 

I am not talking about those who are going through a difficult patch - Get through that and be happy again. I am talking about those suffering a slow, inexorable, loss of libido, farmers market-on-a-Sunday-morning, chinese-takeaway-and-DVD-on-a-Friday-night death!!!!!

 

Take my friend Mark and his wife Claire, they met at Uni and bar the odd spat they have been together ever since. Everyone thinks they will stay together .... Except for Mark who think they have reached the end of the road!

 

"She doe not do it for me anymore" Mark told me "so tell her" I replied, to which he said "I can't, it will break her heart"

 

So he still hasnt told her, instead he has done the typical male thing and buried his head in the sand and his genitals in another woman!!

 

This is not make believe, this is reality and many couples are living this life. Irreparable relationship damage does not just go away it just gets worse and worse until not only can you not even remain friends, you also cannot even have the same friends or even be civil to each other ever again!

 

If the spark has gone then you should be gone too

 

Life is for living and being happy, not miserable just because you dont wanna hurt your partner! You will hurt them far more by sticking in a pit of doom!

[Star Gazer]

Until you've been in their shoes, I don't think you're one to judge...particularly being anti-marriage to begin with.

[Nevermind]

I agree that you should rather end it than cheat. But what about finding the spark again? When two people get married they usually want to stay together for the rest of their lives. They owe it to themselves and their partner to try and fall in love again. If that fails, they should end it amically.

[Lishy]

I agree that you should rather end it than cheat. But what about finding the spark again? When two people get married they usually want to stay together for the rest of their lives. They owe it to themselves and their partner to try and fall in love again. If that fails, they should end it amically.

 

 

Oh yes of course you should try and try to make a relationship work - I am talking about the one that are dead and irreparable and yet people stay

 

All it causes is far more heartache!

[stoopid_guy]

If the spark has gone then you should be gone too

I agree 100%, if "spark" is the only thing in the relationship to start with.

 

However, once you've been married a few years, there's more binding you than just "spark." Kids, pets, finances, home maintenance, common friends...

And even though there is no "spark," it doesn't mean you don't care for the other person.

[Lishy]

Of course you can still care for the other person if you have no spark - But what a dull and loveless life you will lead!

 

Staying for stayings sake is ALWAYS a bad idea IMO

[carhill]

It's simple....fear. I'll speak in generalities, not my specifics.

 

Fear of being alone

 

Fear of financial ruin

 

Fear of loss of social status

 

Fear of how one will appear to family and friends (e.g. as a "failure")

 

Fear of the process

 

 

Now, in my case, I would say my fears stem from my emotional sensitivity and also the fear of reliving the debilitating stress I went through caring for my mother. That almost killed me. Do I deliberately want to go back there again? It's a very real fear.

 

As a good friend shared with me, you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors, so I, personally, would be loathe to judge your friends, just as I would be loathe to judge any of our friends who chose to stay in (or leave) a bad marriage. It's really not my place. Too much cr@p in my own hogpen to deal with

[Nevermind]

stoopid:

 

If both have tried and failed, divorce can still be amically. Kids can live well with divorced parents who get along - much better than with parents who argue a lot/ are loveless. A divorce without hard feelings would also make it possible to stay in the same circle of friends etc.

 

However, once you decide to cheat, you take away the chance of happiness for your spouse. Whereas you go out and have your fun, they are still chained to their vows (assuming that they are not WS as well). Also, once the affair is discovered...a good divorce is pretty much off the table. Everything will be much harder. And the children will suffer.

[jerbear]

If the spark has gone then you should be gone too

 

Life is for living and being happy, not miserable just because you dont wanna hurt your partner! You will hurt them far more by sticking in a pit of doom!

 

Sounds like both people don't date anymore.

 

Life gets in the way, the two individuals become one and lost their individuality.

 

In regards to not hurting your partner, you've already done it by keeping the facade going. There is no point in being unhappy. A relationship is also a partnership between people, if one of the partners is not happy; the relationship will fail.

[soserious1]

I agree 100%, if "spark" is the only thing in the relationship to start with.

 

However, once you've been married a few years, there's more binding you than just "spark." Kids, pets, finances, home maintenance, common friends...

And even though there is no "spark," it doesn't mean you don't care for the other person.

 

You sound a lot like my soon to be ex-husband.

 

He felt that I should accept that I am "finished at 50" and as he put it "settle down" to a life where I would continue to fiscally support us both, cook, clean and be ready to assume physical care taking duties when he grew too old to care for himself. A life of living as roomates, no sexual intimacy and shouldering the burden of walking around every day knowing that my husband found my aging face and body repulsive to look at.

 

This divorce most likely will kill any chances of me retiring in any sort of comfort and I'll most likely be working till the day I die but the emotional cost of staying in this marriage was far too great.

[stoopid_guy]

You sound a lot like my soon to be ex-husband.

I'm not him (wouldn't that be a weird coincidence?) I don't know your whole story, but the differences between he and I that I know of:

 

I didn't loose romantic interest in my wife because of her age or any other physical reason. I lost interest after her turning her cheek when I tried to kiss her lips for several years straight. I lost interest after being pushed away in bed a couple of hundred times. I lost interest because she does not see zero intimacy as a problem.

 

Another difference: I haven't given up on romance, I've just given up on romance with her. I've found sparks elsewhere.

 

Another difference: My income potential is higher than hers (high-end geek vs teacher) so it'll be me helping her out financially once we split.

[soserious1]

I'm not him (wouldn't that be a weird coincidence?) I don't know your whole story, but the differences between he and I that I know of:

 

I didn't loose romantic interest in my wife because of her age or any other physical reason. I lost interest after her turning her cheek when I tried to kiss her lips for several years straight. I lost interest after being pushed away in bed a couple of hundred times. I lost interest because she does not see zero intimacy as a problem.

 

Another difference: I haven't given up on romance, I've just given up on romance with her. I've found sparks elsewhere.

 

Another difference: My income potential is higher than hers (high-end geek vs teacher) so it'll be me helping her out financially once we split.

 

My husband didn't feel zero intimacy was a problem either... he didn't want me but refused to open my end of the marriage"you're not going to become the used up old slut that everybody laughs and whispers about"

 

Forget the bed, I'd been sleeping on the sofa most nights for about a year.

 

And it's going to be me paying him alimony, he's over the magical age of 55, no judge is going to require him to seek job retraining.

 

New romance ? the thought makes me cringe, in our very biggest argument, the night before I filed he barged into the bathroom while I was drying off from a shower,dragged me in front of the mirror and proceeded to point out and list every single thing wrong with my body. I'll remember him saying "what man wouldn't be totally grossed out by your old azz ? "

 

those words will haunt me for the rest of my life:(

[Mr. Lucky]

If the spark has gone then you should be gone too

 

Life is for living and being happy, not miserable just because you dont wanna hurt your partner! You will hurt them far more by sticking in a pit of doom!

That's a tough one since I don't know very many couples lucky enough to have that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling on a consistent basis 20 years in. I honestly feel that it's more important that you "like" your partner than if you "love" them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lishy]

That's a tough one since I don't know very many couples lucky enough to have that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling on a consistent basis 20 years in. I honestly feel that it's more important that you "like" your partner than if you "love" them...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I didnt mention butterflies ...... A spark means attraction

[stoopid_guy]

I didnt mention butterflies ...... A spark means attraction

Guessing you mean sexual attraction, right? ("Attractive" doesn't necessarily mean "Sexy."

)

[Dark-N-Romantic]

"For better of for worst. Until death due us part." While it seems like people have completely forgetten this part, it does have a meaning. No were does the vows talk on love, physical intimacy, financial issues, or just plan lack of fun. It is presumed a man and woman who marry are going to stick it out no matter how bad things are. Why? Because none are mind readers. None have the power to tell the future. For all one knows, they may have to go through a few years of a "dying marriage" before it revives itself. And people who tend stay together despite being sad or bored show the true meaning of love. Which is putting someone else before themselves though they may be happier doing otherwise.

 

 

DNR

Marriage is just a physical representation of our relationship with God.

[Lizzie60]

For having met and talk with many many MMs.. I don't think it's that easy... when the sex life is gone (passion, love) but everything is else is good, it's hard to just pack and go.. especially when kids are involved..

 

I do not blame spouses who get their 'bonbons' on the side.. and stay for the sake of the children...

 

If it's intolerable, then that's another story.. but if it's OK.. why not get the passion with someone else.. anyway.. since passion doesn't last, they can then change OW/OM.. and start fresh with a new one.. then they have the passion all the time..

 

I know it's not what most people want but it is what works for a lot of MMs out there.. I know..

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Your right Lizzy, it does work for a lot of married and other people. But the problem most people don't want to accept is that, most betrayed spouses ARE NOT on the money with it. These are the people most other people are concerned about. Why? Because, most people don't want to be hurt or betrayed. So, most tend to avoid that path.

 

Sex is just a small portion of a marriage. Yes it is a great reason why people should be married (this is NOT saying it should be the top on the list or the only reason why). But, if lack of sex is a great reason to lie, cheat, put others at risk, and/or do other harm... Then no, it is NOT wise to be married. Live a life of enclosed fornication and let those of us looking for something real and truthful be without fearing someone will cheat on us and someone will be willing to disrespect us by have an affair with our partners.

 

 

DNR

[BettyBoop]

the night before I filed he barged into the bathroom while I was drying off from a shower,dragged me in front of the mirror and proceeded to point out and list every single thing wrong with my body. I'll remember him saying "what man wouldn't be totally grossed out by your old azz ? "

 

those words will haunt me for the rest of my life:(

 

My old ex did something similar to me once, and I was only 19...

 

The people who do such things have great inner insecurities and the only way to make themselves feel better is to make their loved ones feel worthless. I am sure there are many men out there who will think you are stunning. I know I found one.

[Lishy]

New romance ? the thought makes me cringe, in our very biggest argument, the night before I filed he barged into the bathroom while I was drying off from a shower,dragged me in front of the mirror and proceeded to point out and list every single thing wrong with my body. I'll remember him saying "what man wouldn't be totally grossed out by your old azz ? "

 

those words will haunt me for the rest of my life:(

 

Oh my good god!!!!!!!!! That is SO awful!

 

Damn girl I really think you need to get some help to get over that steaming turd you call a husband!

 

ARGHHHHHH It makes me so angry that people are so mean and nasty!

[Terminator]

New romance ? the thought makes me cringe, in our very biggest argument, the night before I filed he barged into the bathroom while I was drying off from a shower,dragged me in front of the mirror and proceeded to point out and list every single thing wrong with my body. I'll remember him saying "what man wouldn't be totally grossed out by your old azz ? "

 

those words will haunt me for the rest of my life:(

 

And he's still alive? You're a better person than I am SOSE

 

Have you never pointed out to him what a PRIZE catch HE is? (not)

[Terminator]

Oh yes of course you should try and try to make a relationship work - I am talking about the one that are dead and irreparable and yet people stay

 

All it causes is far more heartache!

 

For those that are staying "for the kids" I have to wonder how you would tolerate a sexless, loveless "marriage" for the 20 or so years after the kids at home are no longer in the equation?

[Lishy]

For those that are staying "for the kids" I have to wonder how you would tolerate a sexless, loveless "marriage" for the 20 or so years after the kids at home are no longer in the equation?

 

The worst thing you can do is stay for the kids! Kids need happy parents and better to be seperated and happy then together and miserable!

 

You have one life, dont be miserable in a marriage or partnership that makes you feel like crap!

[Untouchable_Fire]

Take my friend Mark and his wife Claire, they met at Uni and bar the odd spat they have been together ever since. Everyone thinks they will stay together .... Except for Mark who think they have reached the end of the road!

 

We create that spark every day. If you stop doing that, your just lazy. So, I'm not sure what your point was.

[carhill]

Sometimes the perception of what the "spark" is gets impaired. MC can help with that, IME.

 

Also, if the battery is dead and the vault in the love bank has been pilfered down to nothing, the lights are out and no spark will ever occur. Seeing that reality can help recharge the battery and restock the love bank, but that's something both partners have to be willing to work on. JME...