JoeNewbie Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 "I want to have access to all your xxx e-mail and xxx phone at any time" as an example. Carhill, you make a good point, but do you really think playing cop will actually solve the issue? Restrictions sometimes work in society but hardly ever do a couple any good.
JoeNewbie Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 He actually offered me access to his emails and social netowrking sites for a week already - says he will do whatever it takes for me to believe him... And of course opening a new account is totally impossible... Come on...
carhill Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 In the ideal situation, he should want to facilitate her trust with complete openness. I've done this, so I know what it feels like. In the proper context, it fosters emotional honesty. It diffuses ambiguity and mistrust. It's self-evident. He made a mistake. Mistakes have consequences. Her loyalty is valuable, IMO. I hope he sees that. And of course opening a new account is totally impossible... Come on... There are stronger measures, but, I think, if she has this mindset, she should leave. I know, if I had to even think of such things, I would be gone, and I would expect my wife to be, too, if the reverse.
JoeNewbie Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 OP, how long have you been with the guy for?
Author babsie007 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 lol! no this is a very new relationship, 5 mths... so its still a bit tender
JoeNewbie Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I usually don't like to be opinionated on such matters but in this case I feel I must take position. You have been dating for only five months and he pulls that kind of trick on you? Sorry but the guy can't be trusted. Sooner or later he will do it again.
carhill Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 He's not a baby. He's a full-grown man who knows exactly what he's doing. We all do. Yes, we may be influenced by our emotions/lusts/desires, but we are aware cognitively of what we're doing. He made a choice. That choice eroded your trust. What are you going to do? Tell me, do you have history of being in relationships with guys acting in similar ways?
Author babsie007 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 i have a recent hostory of it but only over the past few years. i really dont know what i am to do! he has retracted his over of access to his sites and emails...
JoeNewbie Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 He has retracted all of his profiles, he is willing to give you access to all of his e-mail accounts, he apologized profusely, he's going to kill himself for being so silly, he's going to become a priest... What else? What is a guy supposed to say when he gets caught? "Oh yes darling, you caught me, hehe. You look great today. See you tonight"?
Author babsie007 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 I just want to know he won't do it again.... people can be so mean and hurtful...
JoeNewbie Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I just want to know he won't do it again.... people can be so mean and hurtful... You want to KNOW he won't do it again? How? He doesn't even know himself so how are YOU going to KNOW that? You either continue in this relationship knowing who you are dealing with. OR you move on and find another guy. But you won't KNOW that he won't do it again. That is worse than wishful thinking.
carhill Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I just want to know he won't do it again.... people can be so mean and hurtful... Trust is like a religion. It's belief. It's awareness based in something other than factual reality. You'll never know. But you can trust. That is within you. he has retracted his over of access to his sites and emails... Do you mean "he has retracted his overall access (by you) to his sites and emails"? I just want to clarify. What does this mean?
Author babsie007 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 he had offered me access to all of the sites and things he is on on friay when this happened... when i brought things up again tonight he has decided he doesnt want to do that - but he will let me have access while kicking up a stinker of a fuss. And I try yo believe and trust him... but i still look for things. I put a keylogger on my computer so i could know for sure that he wasn't up to no good... I installed in on thursday and on friday i was able to read the chat he had with that girl. So yes, i know I am so bad for doing things, but is ignorance really bliss?? I would prefer to stamp everything out now to be honest. I still want to to be with him, I am prepared to give things a go but I am afraid i wil get hurt. I have problems in the trust department so when i have an instinct that he is up to no good i investigate it, and i always fine what i am looking for. maybe it is me... maybe i am just being too controlling!
Author babsie007 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 and i will also try to work on my typos!
djhall Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 he had offered me access to all of the sites and things he is on on friay when this happened... when i brought things up again tonight he has decided he doesnt want to do that - but he will let me have access while kicking up a stinker of a fuss. Yeah, and 30 second after you leave the room... head to gmail, register a new email account you don't know about, and he is back in business while complaining endlessly about how you are so insecure you can't get over a little mistake that was only chatting and now you want to monitor his every email. If you can't trust him, you can't trust him, even if he lets you monitor him. I put a keylogger on my computer so i could know for sure that he wasn't up to no good... I installed in on thursday and on friday i was able to read the chat he had with that girl ... I still want to to be with him, I am prepared to give things a go but I am afraid i wil get hurt. I have problems in the trust department so when i have an instinct that he is up to no good i investigate it, and i always fine what i am looking for. Are you really saying you want a relationship where you have to keylog and police your boyfriend to keep him faithful? You want to have a relationship with a guy you are afraid is going to hurt you? You want a relationship with someone you know at a gut level is up to no good? You really want to blame your instincts about him, which turn out to be correct, on your own trust issues and not the fact that he is proven untrustworthy? Isn't the fact this has gone so far as keylogging your computer a giant red flag that this relationship is not okay? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I think what you really want is to find a way to rationalize and explain away what happened so you can try to pretend in doesn't mean what you know in your gut it really does. Your guy can't be trusted. Period. There is no other explaination. He told this girl your relationship was in trouble while telling you it was going perfect, so he lied to one of you. If he is lying to you, your relationship is in trouble and he doesn't want you to know about it or try to fix it. In that case, the realtionship is already dead and you just don't know it yet. If he is lying to her, he wants this other girl to believe your relationship is in trouble when it isn't. Are there any good intentions behind doing that? He likes toying with her by misleading her when he knows nothing will come of it? He doesn't intend to cheat but still seeks validation outside your relationship that other women want him? He intends to cheat on you by misleading another woman about what she was getting into and got caught early in the game? He doesn't intend on cheating with you, but he wants to keep you around until he can line up your replacement? Am I missisng any possibilities here? Are any of them acceptable?
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