Gottabestrong Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Guys, I really need your input and advice on this one, as I can't figure him out and don't want to do something stupid. I started dating this great guy about 10 weeks ago and we hit it off from the beginning. We tried to take it slow, but from the start we practically saw each other on a daily basis. Well, a month ago it got long-distance, really looong-distance as I moved half-way across the planet for work. When I left I did not know if or when I'd be back and so we both agreed it would not make sense for us to try to have a LDR, especially as we had only started dating a few weeks ago and had not even exchanged "I love you's" or anything similar. Though we did get intimate the week before I left as I figured we were both single adults in our 30's, were really attracted to each other and had nothing to lose. So when I left we did not make plans to talk or see each other again, just hugged and said "Take care". I really was not sure if I would ever hear from him again. Well, to my surprise and delight he called a few days after I arrived. Ever since then we have been in touch with each other at least 4 times a week, with him initiating about 70% of the contact. As we are both working really long hours and have an 11-hour time difference between us, one of us is literally always working or asleep. Therefore the way it usually goes is that he calls, I miss his call, call him back, miss him, leave a message and so on. We usually play tag with each other for about 2-3 days until we finally manage to talk on the phone in person. Nevertheless we were still in contact via text or email about 4 times a week. That was till last week when I suddenly did not hear from him for 4 days. I tried to wait and see when he was going to get back to me, but caved after 4 days and contacted him via messenger. He said he had sent me an email and was wondering why I had not replied. I thought it was unusual to lose an email, but figured it was just bad luck. He called, emailed and texted in the next few days, so I thought everything was fine. Guess I was wrong because today it has again been 4 days since I sent him an email and I still have not heard from him. What really throws me is the fact that he has not called this weekend, something he has done every weekend for the last month, since sunday is the only day we both have off. My question to you is what you make of his behaviour? Is this a sign that he is no longer interested in staying in touch with me, or at least not as frequently as for the first 3 weeks? Or is this just to be expected due to the long-distance and the fact that we had only been dating for a few weeks when I moved away? I guess I don't have to ask you what I should do, I am sure you all agree that I should wait and see if he contacts me again or not, am I right? I mean, how likely is it to lose an email twice? This whole thing is being complicated by the fact that I don't know where we stand, I mean are we friends, dating, etc.? My head tells me it is a good thing to take it slow and not give "too much too soon" (though we may have already blown this in the first few weeks after I moved) by being in daily contact, but my heart really misses him and doesn't understand why it would take him a week to get back to me. I'd really appreciate any input or advice you might have to offer. In case you are wondering, whenever we do talk on the phone he always asks when I am coming back and makes a point out of telling me that he misses me and going out without me is no fun. I tell him that I wish I could come back soon and always ask him when he is coming to visit me here. I mean we both know and say that we want to see each other again, but the how and when is the difficult part, especially as neither of us has vacation time coming up soon. (He just started his job in May.)
JoeNewbie Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Well, he's not going to wait for you forever, is he? Now, even if he did write to you regularly - then what?
Author Gottabestrong Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 Well, he's not going to wait for you forever, is he? Now, even if he did write to you regularly - then what? I did not expect him to. I am just stumped by how fast his behaviour changed. I mean one week I hear from him 4 times a week, get calls, text, emails, etc. and the next I hear nothing for 4 days. How come? To answer your second question, if he did write to me regularly we could try to build a LDR or at least stay in touch till I am coming back in 5 months, something I told him about 2 weeks ago. I know, I can't expect anything from him as we are not even officially dating, but if you care about someone, don't you want to be in touch with this person as often a possible?
JoeNewbie Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I did not expect him to. I am just stumped by how fast his behaviour changed. I mean one week I hear from him 4 times a week, get calls, text, emails, etc. and the next I hear nothing for 4 days. How come? Only he has the answer to your question. But in reality, does it really matter? The end result is that he is not writing to you as often as before. That's your answer right there. To answer your second question, if he did write to me regularly we could try to build a LDR or at least stay in touch till I am coming back in 5 months, something I told him about 2 weeks ago. You dated for a few weeks, had sex once - and now you expect him to entertain a long distance relationship for 5 months? Come on, be real... Why would you want him to make such a sacrifice - and why would you want to make that kind of sacrifice yourself? I know, I can't expect anything from him as we are not even officially dating, but if you care about someone, don't you want to be in touch with this person as often a possible? Care? About what? About a girl he dated for a few weeks? Care, really?
paddington bear Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 It sounds like there was a connection on both sides and that he wanted to make sure that he didn't lose you. The thing is, who knows what's happened in his life that he's not telling you about. Maybe he's met another girl and is dating her, is not sure where it's going, is still in contact with you, but has realised that he is in LDR with you and much as he likes you no longer wants the LDR situation to continue - my instinct tells me someone/something has caught his interest and is taking up his time. I would say, take the bull by the horns and email him. Ask him if he would prefer no more contact from now on. That you sense he's bored/fed up with all the emails/texts over such an extended period of time without you two actually seeing each other. Tell him you'd be happy to cut off all contact up until the point where you return (if you are returning?), when you will then let him know. If you are both still free by then and want to meet up in person again, great, if not, it's best for both of you not to drag this thing out. It's very hard when you don't physically see someone, especially after such a short 'courtship', they can become fuzzy and distant in your mind and eventually fade away.
Shygirl15 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Yep. IMO, he's definitely occupied by something (or someone), so he doesn't have as much interest now as he used to be. Appears to me he's also having difficulties with LDR, something we can't really blame him. LDRs are not that easy. I would advise you to openly express yourself to him just the way you did here, and see what he has to say.
JoeNewbie Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 A long distance relationship involves, as the term suggests, a relationship for starters. Ten weeks is nothing. Marriages and long term relationships can be broken by distance. Let's say I am REALLY into someone but she goes away for an undetermined amount of time. I would have to be one desperate joe to stop looking at other women. The only healthy way to handle this is to see how things go when you are back in town. There is no point in anticipating any further.
Author Gottabestrong Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 Well, he finally replied to my email last night. It was a short reply in which he apologized for not being in touch and said he had not been doing much over the weekend. I agree with you all, that he is obviously not that interested anymore, either because he met someone else or because of what Joe is saying "Out of sight, out of mind". What do you think I should do now? Should I wait a few days and then send him a non-committal email back? I don't really want to tell him what I said on here as it reeks of my insecurities, and those are never attractive. So I could either pretend I am not noticing his loss in interest and just match his frequency in contact, or I could take control of the situation, realize that he is not that into me and cut my losses by not writing to him anymore unless he shows some interest. What do you guys think?
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