the elephant is loose

[mytruelove]

hi everybody. i need help with where to go from here.

 

my guy texted me this weekend - totally surprised me because before this weekend i had not had his cell phone number, so the fact that he trusted me enough to finally give this to me is a BIG deal. he was actually being cute and flirty and wanted to see me. he caught me off guard.

 

i went to see him and i just couldn't hold how i really felt in anymore. i told him that i was hurt by some things and not okay with some things and told him i couldn't have sex with him.

 

i told him that i thought i deserved more. that i couldn't have sex with him and send him home to someone else. i told him that i was way too vulnerable with him-that i could lie and say it is okay, but i wouldn't be being true to myself.

 

i told him my two biggest fears -that i gave too much too soon and that he lost respect for me. to both he said NO NO NO that wasn't true. so we resolved that.

 

he got upset. he said that this was obviously a bigger deal than he thought it was. he said i was asking for more than he could give right now. i'm asking him to break up with g/f and leave a relationship THAT he doesn't even KNOW if he HAS a relationship at home anymore. that i'm asking him to leave one relationship and get right into another. he doesn't know if he can or even wants to get into a emotional relationship if he does leave. i'm asking him for a real relationship and it's more than he can give right now.

 

he just kept repeating that i was asking for more than he could give right now. he did explain all this to me.

 

he doesn't like serious conversations at all and wanted to stop talking about it and that things would just get more complicated. i told him that we had to talk about it because i'm trying to preserve what we have and it is when you don't talk that things become bigger problems.

 

so, it was left with him reaffirming that he has feelings for me, BUT i asked him what they were and he did not want to say.

 

i asked where do we go from here. he said "don't know" "not sure"

 

we hugged and he said to let him take care of one thing at a time. we hugged and said goodbye.

 

i do feel bad because i can see where he was stretching this weekend with the cell phone and cute flirty stuff and he was expecting us to get together and have a great fun-loving care free time like we had and i totally ruined the mood

 

i feel like i could have handled it better and wish i wouldn't have put soo much pressure on him.

 

now what???

[carhill]

Boil it down for me....both of you are in R's/M's and you apparently have hot sex together but one or both is unwilling to end their current R/M so you can be together? Is that about it?

 

IMO, there is no good outcome to this status-quo. Someone must take unilateral action. I understand the impetus completely, and I know it takes strength, but one of you has to find it somewhere...

[wildsoul]

i feel like i could have handled it better and wish i wouldn't have put soo much pressure on him.

 

now what???

You may have forced the conversation, but that wasn't wrong. You've been unhappy as the OW, because you want more. The elephant has been in the room the whole time. You finally got up the nerve to mention it. Nothing wrong with that.

 

What's different now though, is you also have the gorilla of truth in the room. He was very honest and it seems clear that he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about him. Before, you had only your doubts/hopes. Now, you know the truth.

 

What other choice do you have, but to move on? It's going to hurt while you let go of old hopes. But if you really want a mutual love, then you need to let go and make room for it to come into your life. You've got your answer. Now it's time to make a decision based on it. Hold your head up high and bow out gracefully. Later, you'll feel tons better about yourself if you exit smoothly than if you cling on trying to get something more from him.

 

(((We're here for you!)))

[torranceshipman]

Don't second guess yourself - you made exactly the right move! He thought he could fool around/go to bed with you, without having to make promises/commit to you in any way...when you pressed him to explain himself he folded and you guys didnt have the fun he'd planned. Good for you!-as he wasnt being respectful to you. Sounds like he is treating this like FWB when it comes down to it, but telling you it means more to him so you'll go along with it.

 

Btw that stuff you said about not having his number, and him giving it to you being HUGE is a major gnarly red flag right there....thats a really unbalanced, unhealthy relationship that he'd withhold it in the first place, or that you feel grateful that he'd give it to you! Exchanging numbers with someone you are intimate with is par for the course!

 

I'd walk away if I were you as he is being a player and you deserve soooo much more.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

OMG! I am not siding with anyone's comments here. Why?

 

HE IS NOT YOUR MAN!!!! HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!

Lets really think about this...

 

1. Do you really have any right to make demands of a man who is already, maybe in the eyes of someone else in a committed relationship?

2. What did this woman do to deserve your disrespect by having a relationship with her mman?

3. Has it occurred to you that you are playing the role of a toy and distraction from his real world?

4. If the shoes were on the other foot, would you want another person doing onto you what you are doing onto her?

5. If you feel so right in what you are doing, have you shared your relationship and this information about him being someone else's boyfriend with your friends and family? Have you talked to the girlfriend so that both of you know that you two are in competition over this man?

 

To answer your question as to "Now what?..."

1. Find some self-respect and find a man of your own. Don't covert what someone else has. Especially not lying, cheating trash like this man.

2. Cut all ties and start a clean slate. You deserve better for yourself and I am sure a lying, cheating man is not was NOT in your list of qualities of a good man.

3. Don't pretend to be the victim. You know it is not right what you are doing, and you know love is not the reason why you are doing this dirty deed. Take charge of yourself and do what is right for yourself.

4. A true good man is not going to be looking for a woman who is willing to hurt other people for her own pleasure.

 

The thing you should really be thinking about is not the pressure you placed on him. But, what you need to do to get him out of your life and to find a real man to love you.

 

 

DNR

[wildsoul]

OMG! I am not siding with anyone's comments here.

<snip>

The thing you should really be thinking about is not the pressure you placed on him. But, what you need to do to get him out of your life and to find a real man to love you.

DNR

Sheesh. Bottom-line: you are agreeing with torranceshipman and myself, so you're late to that party. Only difference is that we didn't need to bash the heck out of her.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Sheesh. Bottom-line: you are agreeing with torranceshipman and myself, so you're late to that party. Only difference is that we didn't need to bash the heck out of her.

 

Sorry, I am not do subtle or pretend people should be treated with loving hands when people are going around willfully hurting others for their own pleasure.

 

 

DNR

[mytruelove]

carhill - i made the decision to leave my marriage. i did not express my feelings to this guy until i knew that the marriage was over. i have taken action to be with this guy and you are right someone had to take unilateral action to change the relationship dynamics and i did. my frustration and impatience comes from him not taking the same steps yet. i commited to this guy and would do anything he asked...now i need the same.

 

WS - i do feel like i forced things. i actually feel pretty bad about this and am thinking about calling and apologizing because the thing is that i am asking for things that he can't give me right now. BUT, i know his heart and my heart. i have to believe that and have faith and trust. thing is, he was trying and he was giving more and more which is a big stretch for him and i crushed him this weekend when i could have taken that chance to make progress. he has been more than patient with me and i need to give him that. i know i know, hopefully, i did make progress to that "mutual" relationship and i know i did the right thing by being true to myself and him by telling him how i really feel.

 

the thing is i don't feel like i got clear answers. i got "not sure, "don't know", and "i have feelings for you, but don't want to talk about them", soo

 

my X actually said something to me that hit home. he said that i have put up so many walls, barriers, and boundaries that NO man could ever meet my expectations and i think i did that with this guy this weekend.

 

thank you for defending me and for being there for me!!!

 

torrance - thank you for helping me not to 2nd guess myself and my decision this weekend and putting it in such real blatent terms. i love the part of "him not getting to have the fun he thought he was going to have."

and i do deserve more.

 

D-N-R - i'm not mad at you. you actually said some things that i needed to hear and that help me. i am not a victim. i take full responsibility for my choices. no one is harder on myself than me. believe me i have regrets. i am human. i am here admitting my vulnerability and weakness looking for support as is everyone on this forum...am i wrong?

 

before you are so quick to judge though i think it would help to know the rest of the story. i've been friends with this guy for ten years. we've been each others support. i've seen him though other relationships, breakups, birth of his kids, ending of his marriage,depression, divorce, etc.. it is NOT like i just met him and said, humm, he has a g/f let me get with him -NO- a lot more too it.

 

i love this guy. always have and always will. it was love at first sight. i fell for him the very first day i met him and YES my family and friends know how i feel about him. in fact, my X knows also, he is the one that pointed out the fact that i was in love with this guy by just seeing my face when i walked out of the place from meeting him the first time.

 

i do resent you implying that it is solely for my own "pleasure" when it hurts right now. it's about love for me and right now it is not "pleasure". it is hard work and doing the right thing hurts and i definitely don't get pleasure from it.

 

madam - you make an excellant point about it not beling so complicated. he could leave her and if he wants to be with me nothing will stop him from that. it coudn't stop me from being with him, soo. i really believe the respect thing. i pointed out my concern that he lost respect for me (which he completely says he DID NOT). hopefully, i did the right thing this weekend and he will have more respect for me now. my biggest regret was giving too much too soon and him feeling less for me.

 

well, right now, i think i am going to give it some silent time. i don't think i will call him for a week or more. give him time to sort through everything that i said and gave him to think about this weekend. if i do call it will be a short apology and that is it.

 

i'm torn because part of me really really feels like i need to let this sit with him for a little while and the other part of me wants to reach out and make it right right away.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He has let you know in a roundabout way that it is over.

[Lucky_One]

"if i do call it will be a short apology and that is it."

 

You're going to apologize bc you were honest?

 

Am I missing something here?

 

If anyone should apologize, it should be HIM for #1 never trusting you to have his cell phone number (he trust you enough to drop his boxers in front of you, but doesn't trust you enough to have his telephone number??) and #2 for treating you like a booty call.

[wildsoul]

i know i know, hopefully, i did make progress to that "mutual" relationship and i know i did the right thing by being true to myself and him by telling him how i really feel.

Please don't spend another minute 2nd-guessing yourself! You did the right thing. It's not wrong to want more from him.

 

What's dubious is knowing you want more and pretending that you can be happy with less, or imagining that if you are less honest about your needs and become patient that he will change. What does patience have to do with this? If I'm following this correctly, he isn't asking you to wait. It really truly sounds like it's a FWB to him (emphasis on the friends part.)

 

Can I ask you a very blunt question? Here goes:

Are you trying to avoid the pain of rejection by instead focusing on how you can keep or get him back?

 

I can't see any reason why you would feel bad for bringing the issue to the table, unless you're trying to avoid the (understandable) hurt and disappointment.

[carhill]

carhill - i made the decision to leave my marriage. i did not express my feelings to this guy until i knew that the marriage was over. i have taken action to be with this guy and you are right someone had to take unilateral action to change the relationship dynamics and i did. my frustration and impatience comes from him not taking the same steps yet. i commited to this guy and would do anything he asked...now i need the same.

 

Thank you for the clarification. I've walked this path. I've felt the frustration of imbalance. I can tell you that NC was the best unilateral action I could've taken. It healed me. I went 60 days and then left the door open (but took no affirmative action myself). That period detox'ed my brain and allowed me to attain a more balanced perspective. I tested that dynamic just today. Excellent.

 

The best advice I can give you is to focus on what and who you can control....that being your thoughts and emotions and yourself. What are your healthy needs right now? Is a relationship with this man or any man healthy for you right now? Why?

 

Some things to think about.....

[mytruelove]

this is by far the hardest challenge i've faced yet. so hard.

 

ws, yes, of course i don't want to face rejection. so, in a way, i guess i am trying to avoid the pain.

 

the thing is that he NEVER said it was over, that we were done. in fact, i pressed him by asking "what now and where do we go from here" and i got, "don't know" "not sure"

 

and he made a point of stating that i was asking for more than he could give me RIGHT NOW and let him take care of one thing at a time.

 

he honestly seemed tormented about it and i really hope that if it were really over he would have the guts to tell me that.

 

i'm sure he felt sucker punched because he wasn't expecting me to reject his effort and advances. he was put on the defensive.

 

i'm really struggling with the whole apology thing right now. what i want to apologize for is for not handling things the way i would have wanted to had i not been caught off guard and been prepared (i was planning on this weekend getting my thoughts together and THEN talking to him), for putting pressure and demands on him that i know he can't meet right now, and lastly, for that fact that he was trying and was making an effort and was giving more - giving me what he can when he can.

 

i don't feel a need to apologize for wanting more for myself, but i could have done it in a way that would have brought him closer to me and not pushed him away and caused a rif between. guess what is done is done and can't change the past right? only the future.

 

i have to believe that i know his heart and my heart. i have to trust that or i have nothing.

 

another part of me really feels that i should wait it out for a while. give him the opportunity to take the lead and apologize. he has apologized in the past when he has been wrong. it just takes him a while some times. i want to let him be the man. i have a tendency to want to control things and take over, but i know that is not productive.

 

but i know there is a very fine line between being too late and too soon and i really want to think it through first, and, of course, like all of you above, i also question whether i REALLY have anything to apologize for at all.

 

i want to be strong. i want to be respected. i want him to work for me and jump through hoops for me (what hurts is i think he was trying). so THAT part of me says no contact till he contacts me, but then the we need to keep communicating at all costs, no matter what, or there will be NO relationship at all kicks it.

 

can you see how challenging this is for me and how torn i am? right now i'm just getting through each day till i figure more out - fighting the urge to call him right away.

 

it hurts and is hard. i'm taking another route to avoid his place. if i need to i can put away all the things that remind me of him, but i don't feel the need to do that so far. i have hope.

 

i'm going to start exercising more at night and doing more for me. i'm also going to start writing in a journal, putting it all together.

 

what do i want for me? i want to have the kind of unconditional love and chemistry and passion with someone like i have with this man and i want it returned. i want to finally be happy and the thing is when i am with him i am happy - no matter what - no matter what kind of mood he is in. there's a sense of being complete and destiny.

 

NOT to say that i will not move on and live life when my needs arn't being met. no one is responsible for meeting my needs but me. i am responsible for me happiness, no one else. i will move on, not because i want to, but because i have to. i will survive this. i am a strong woman.

 

the good news is that i know what i want now and that i finally love myself more than anyone else and if something hurts or doesn't feel right i'm not going to do it.

[wildsoul]

can you see how challenging this is for me and how torn i am? right now i'm just getting through each day till i figure more out - fighting the urge to call him right away.

 

it hurts and is hard. i'm taking another route to avoid his place. if i need to i can put away all the things that remind me of him, but i don't feel the need to do that so far. i have hope.

 

i'm going to start exercising more at night and doing more for me. i'm also going to start writing in a journal, putting it all together.

 

((((HUGS))))

You are being very challenged right now. Keep doing all those things you mentioned to get through this hardest part. Day by day. Hour by hour.

 

Like you, I started exercising more, and wow--did that help me sleep better. Some positive music on the iPod while breaking out a sweat can be very confidence building too.

 

Maybe letting go of the "big decision" will help. It seems that you're clear that right now you need to focus on your own healing. You sound super clear about your long term needs. What is in between now and that beautiful future is a path. Your (insert name of your higher power here) is helping to shine a light on that path and holding your hand. All you have to do is walk the teeny baby steps in front of you today.

 

Breathe.

Cry.

Post here.

Eat well.

Stay hydrated.

Try not to obsess.

Focus less on him, and more on you.

Meditate.

Talk to friends about anything BUT him.

Get through today, and you'll feel better tomorrow.

[mytruelove]

i'm trying to do all that you stated above. have to admit having difficultly sleeping (head spinning with thoughts) or eating well - nervous stomach, but working on it - nothing i can't battle.

 

"It seems that you're clear that right now you need to focus on your own healing. You sound super clear about your long term needs. What is in between now and that beautiful future is a path. Your (insert name of your higher power here) is helping to shine a light on that path and holding your hand. All you have to do is walk the teeny baby steps in front of you today." - YES i am super clear on what i want and super clear that i have to take much care in my own healing - you stated it perfectly.

 

what is getting me right now though is this - that i know that if i had not reacted like i did and just let things go naturally with him that things would be good today and we would be closer today than we were yesterday and the day before. our relationship has always worked like that baby baby steps, a little more and more. i didn't allow myself to relax and just be in the moment. side note... in doing this i would have still said NO, but in a less forceful way. make sense???

 

i don't know how to go back and correct something like that and maybe it needed forced like stated before - again faith....and trust that we are right where we are supposed to be - doing exactly what we need to do in each moment.

 

thanks friends.

[wildsoul]

Okay, so while everyone else in this thread has said they think you did the right thing, you still don't think so. Fine. Let's work with that...

 

You think you could have handled it more perfectly.

But you are imperfect.

None of us are perfect.

Yet if you could have handled it differently, you would have.

You need to forgive yourself for being imperfect.

It's okay.

You're not a bad person for being imperfect.

Welcome to the human race.

 

Instead of replaying the scene over and over again, just be here now, in all your imperfect beauty.

[jj33]

Please please dont call and apologize. He said he isnt interested in another emotional relationship right now. As much as you dont want to hear it, he told you he wants a no strings friends with benefits sort of thing. Dont let yourself go down the road of thinking that if you hadnt said anything and had waited it would be different. The only thing that would be different is that you wouldnt have had to bear the pain of hearing him say it.

 

Yes of course his feelings could change in time but not because you stayed as the OW. You have been unhappy with the situation for some time. Be proud of yourself that you stood up for what you need and didnt stand back and continue to put his needs first at the expense of your emotional wellbeing.

 

Its always hard to hear that someone doesnt want what we want, but once its said you cant push the elephant back in his cage.

 

Im sorry things didnt work out differently.

[mytruelove]

i have been sitting on this and thinking about it for days and my heart kept bringing me to the same conclusion even after the raw emotion faded and i had time to process it all, so...

 

i called and apologized today because i REALLY felt like it was the RIGHT thing to do. i couldn't sleep or eat. geez.

 

the talk went really well. i had everything all thought out and prepared. i did it out of strength NOT out of weakness. my convictions still stand strong. he listened to it all and it relieved him too to know that he has a strong woman that really understands him. i feel REALLY good about it.

 

the conclusion, i still have an open heart for this guy, just a more GUARDED one i have more confidence and self-esteem, and self-respect. WE have a much better understanding and trust in EACH OTHER now.l

 

the other day i paniced and i didn't need to. i've learned that i can trust myself and love myself more than anyone else. in doing this, i can allow myself to be more open and NOT worry about getting soo hurt because i am my own protector. will there still be hurt?, YES, that is part of any relationship, but i know my limits now.

 

i got to take the risk here.

 

i know you all may not agree, but i had to follow my heart. i have to believe that after ten years i know his heart and my heart and i have to trust that and have faith in that. i can't even imagine the alternative of that.

 

at the end of the day, we are still each others support and he is still there for me. he understand me. i am able to be vulnerable with him and it is okay. he knows he can be vulnerable with me and it is okay.

 

i've also learned that i can make it without him. he is not my life. he is an enhancement to my life and my world will not stop for him.

 

i think we have grown from this- he's gained more respect for me and i have a new understanding of him. we are going to be stronger for it.

 

i've learned that i need to just follow my heart and see where it leads. i also need to just relax a little.

 

the alternative of not having us in each others life is just not one that him or i want to face.

 

yes, WS, the imperfect me is beautiful. i'm going to work now towards making my life as very full as possible. the void in my life can only be filled by me - not him- not anyone else

 

i'll keep posting. i'm forever gratful for you all helping me through this and your support and understanding.

[honour and trust]

Hello MTL...wow! are situations are quite similar. Let me start off by saying that I absolutely love the feedback you recieved. I think WildSoul said it best though, by prolonging the pain of ending this relationship you are only diong it to avoid the rejection and pain you would feel if you did! I think that's why I dealt with my guy for so long because I didn't want to go through the pain of NC, which I'm going through now.

 

I feel like things would be different if he were single. He's saying that he can't give that much right now but doesn't he still have a gf? I can understand time to be single (eventhough you won't be satisfied with that either, trust me!) and evaluate some things but he's saying all this all the while he has a gf. So maybe if you spend sometime to yourself, and evaluate what would make you happy maybe then he can fit into your world and not let you down instead of you putting him into your world to make you happy. I think the both of us can have what we want but at some point in time you have to show him that he can lose you. If you want to remain friends with him then I'd say keep going with everything but thats only if you don't expect things to go further. The ball is always in our court, we have to stop picking poor plays.

[mytruelove]

honour, thanks for reinforcing some things for me. you made some great points. in no way do i want to prolong pain. i want it to stop!

 

"maybe if you spend sometime to yourself, and evaluate what would make you happy maybe then he can fit into your world and not let you down instead of you putting him into your world to make you happy. I think the both of us can have what we want but at some point in time you have to show him that he can lose you. If you want to remain friends with him then I'd say keep going with everything but thats only if you don't expect things to go further. The ball is always in our court, we have to stop picking poor plays. " - pretty much says it all doesn't it? i really need to think about this!!!

 

i don't feel like i made a poor play in apologizing - if you knew the way i did it - i had him eating out of my hands! it was tactful and sweet and totally my authentic self. i did not apologize for feeling the way i did or wanting more or asking him for more respect and consideration. i remained completely true to myself in my apology. what i apologized for was running over him like a bulldozer, which i did.

 

now where to go from here? well, like i said, my heart is much much more guarded than it was before. i am not as vulnerable as i was before with him. i am not going to be calling him and pursuing him like i had. like you said, he is going to have to now find a way to "fit" with me.

 

i just honestly don't see how i can do no contact in this situation or how it would benifit at this point - less contact possibly.? i'm not feeling such a need to contact him all the time now. taking some time has helped with that and i'm not easily going to forget the hurt that i have felt.

 

BUT, you make an excellant point about having to show them they can lose us... i'm an incredibely awesome person and he doesn't want to lose me any more than i want to lose him... so i have to reflect that confidence in everything i do ... even if i have to fake it at times.

[manugeorge]

What I don't understand about this whole thing is why doesn't this "love of your life" want to leave his girlfriend if he's soooooo in love with you? What exactly is tieing them together? finances? kids? love? what is it? Please answer this question.

 

I think you need to let go of this romantic idea you have stuck in your head and pull back enough to begin to see this situation for what it really is. He may love you, sure, but he doesn't want to be with you, period!!!!. That is just the bottom line when the smokes clears. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to be with you. Because if he does, he will be.

 

I have been in your shoes, for 5 years of my life, I chased and chased and chased and hoped he would come around. He never did. I continued to chased because my self esteem was shot, I thought if he would just want me as much as I wanted him, if he would just see in a different light and be with me, then everything would be ok. I rationalized and made excuses, and did everything you are doing right now. I thought he was my soul mate and we had an unbreakable bond, hell, HE THOUGHT HE WAS MY SOUL MATE. He was the one who fed me all the bs about the bond we have and how we were meant to be together, while at the same time, telling me that he's just not sure and doesn't quite know when and how we will be together.

Finally, finally, with God's grace, I snapped out of it and walked away. Barely a month after my final goodbye, I met a wonderful wonderful man who has been nothing but great to me. And I finally realized what it is to be loved without reservation.

Let me tell you, I don't even think of the ex anymore. What we had was no bond, it wasn't love, it was utter BS that I somehow twisted in my head because I was that desperate.

 

Please, pull your head out of your ass, and start opening your eyes to see just how you are really being treated here. You are not being strong, you are being weak. Strength is walking away to live your life, telling him that if and when he's ready to recognize you, he can call you.

[wildsoul]

And I finally realized what it is to be loved without reservation.

Great post! Very inspirational.

[EllaDerSpin]

the thing is that he NEVER said it was over, that we were done. in fact, i pressed him by asking "what now and where do we go from here" and i got, "don't know" "not sure"

 

and he made a point of stating that i was asking for more than he could give me RIGHT NOW and let him take care of one thing at a time.

RIGHT NOW is actually all you really have. RIGHT NOW is where you are and RIGHT NOW this relationship is not what you would like it to be. So maybe you should say goodbye to it - RIGHT NOW.