Author shockandawed Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 Shock, There are two problems I see here. THe first, is that this woman is not exactly great relationship material. The label may or may not fit, however she sounds like a commitmentphobe. Hot and heavy one minute, then she's lost all feeling when she has you and you've stopped being a challenge. I have to say most people are this way to a certain degree, but throw in a rushed relationship and most of the time the end is the same. Secondly, you're old enough to know better than to allow a relationship to push ahead at full speed. Great things don't seem to ever come out of rushing. At least, I have yet to see it. Ask yourself why you allowed it to happen this fast, and why you chose her. You said on paper there were some glaring differences and you didn't think there'd be a match. However, there was chemistry. And I'd venture to guess it wasn't healthy chemistry. So you need to figure out why you're attracted to instability when it sounds like you, yourself are stable. Why do stable women bore you? You may very well have similar problems to this woman, since you're not choosing women that can provide you with a good relationship. Daphne, your'e right, they typically don't work and I am definitely old enough to know better. I have thought about how that happened. I think about a week or so after we started dating, her son went to spend 2 weeks with his grandparents in Mississippi. I guess there was a sense of lets take advantage of the rare freedom on both our parts and we spent ALOT of time together those two weeks. Everything went great, but I guess we were laying a foundation to a relationship that wasn't the actual reality. By the time the two weeks was over, we had invested quite a bit into the relationship. She may have began the future talk then as a way to deal with the fear I would grow wary of her son and all the baggage. She mentioned several times that she knew eventually I would dump her as I would wake up and realize I didn't need all the crap that came with her. I think the fast track was in place during the two weeks and neither of us knew how to slow it down later. The reality set in and we were unable to keep the pace of it up.
Author shockandawed Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 She sounds like a narcissist... A little...lol Sorry S&A.. breakups suck... It sounds to me that she bolted.. 10-1 she really doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship or if she does she is scared as soon as someone gets too close.. She pretty well said that word for word. It also sounds like she goes all in and it burns out when things get too close.... Again, her words almost word for word. Glad you didn't do the "what did I do wrong scenario with yourself".. you seem to have a good grasp of yourself these days ...... Thanks! Coming from one of the guys who had to smack me back together a couple of years ago, I truly appreciate it!! No, I know there wasn't anything I could have done differently. If you guys go back for a second round try and work on your communication concerning each others needs.. It sounds like she didn't understand your needs and she also did convey her needs to you.. Don't see that happening. Strangely, I don't really miss it. There is no real depression and I have no desire to try to fix this. Hey S&A, First off, I think you offered too much stability and obviously that is not what she's looking for. To be hitting 40 and living with a fraternity lifestyle should tell you she's not going to turn the big 4-0 without a fight. I think things got too real for her and she got scared. Moving in together, getting engaged and getting married thoughts got her thinking about how she wasn't going to be able live her "care-free" lifestyle. I feel sorry for the 6 year old who has to deal with his mother's issues. You are much better off going through this now, (and yes I know it hurts, it's so hard to find someone that you click with) but to have gone down the road with a more concrete commitment would have been so much more devastating for all those involved. That ex-husband may not have been "psycho" until she came along. And it seems like she feeds off that drama... There's no reason to feed her ego anymore with any responses to any text messages. You know the rule, no contact!! Great to see you back around here Guin...glad my post got you running..lol. I think you are somewhat right, she has never had the "stability" or normalcy of a mature relationship or lifestyle. Knowing living with me would involve a more traditional lifestyle probably did scare her. She would no longer have her brat pack or people she can look down on. I too have wondered if the ex was really all that crazy beforehand. I know he is out there, but I have seen her add fuel to the fire more than once. You're right, it is hard to find that "click", but I realize I haven't lost that ability now and I am probably more eager to get back out there knowing that I still have it..lol! With all the dates, I really had thought I was no longer capable of feeling the click! I think there are always some warning signs but when the chemistry is good you tend to ignore them. I know in my case the women was married at 17 and had been divorced for 10 years with only one long relationship before we met. So first thing I though was lack of an early social life and why no real commitment for 10 years. But heck she was good looking and fun so I went with it anyway. Anyway you can just have a healthy attitude and move on when these things happen. I have a two day rule, I will mope around for no longer than two days after a breakup then I am off doing other things. I am not sure I ignored them, but conceded them as a trade off for having someone with the above mentioned "click". I really feel more sense of relief than loss because her baggage was starting to wear on me. There isn't really any moping for me. Went to a good friends cookout yesterday and surrounded myself with people that could benefit me, not make me feel superior to. Like I said, I am now excited to get out there and discover the click with someone at more my stage in life.
Author shockandawed Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 Those two things would more be indicating her own inner conflicts, no? Even if they were said weeks or months apart. Plus, perhaps pointing to neediness/clinginess and a lack of being able to just be herself, choose her life and live it? And maybe her current living arrangements, choice of friends, etc., are also indications of some deeper unhealed issues and/or under-developed life and coping skills? EDIT: And subsequent texts...more inner conflict? Yes, she comes across as a very strong person, but she is completely incapable of planning her life out. She does not appear to have any ambition or long range goals for her, her son or improving her situation. Probably why she is where she is. It is inner conflict. With everything that's going on in her life, she still chose to include you in her life because the prospect of dating and falling in love still entices her. She fell quick and hard, invited you home, and everything seemed perfect albeit with her stalker ex. But then she starts nitpicking at little problems that aren't there to justify why her life is a bit screwed up the way it was, and she chose the relationship as a problem that she needed to eradicate. The more she thought about it, the more she's convinced she doesn't like you anymore, and thus the breakup. She's not looking for drama, it's just she can't handle the things that are happening, especially her emotions. This is probably dead on. After she told me she had done similar before, I did tell her that it is obvious that she wants to date and fall in love or she wouldn't keep getting out there, but she needs to examine what happens when the newness starts disappearing. She did do some nitpicking the last week or so at stuff that really wasn't there.
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