shockandawed Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Hey all, Just need to vent this, not sure anyone would be able to offer any real insight. Some of you know, I came here nearly two years ago after the breakup with a fiance. After spending way too much time getting over her, I began dating. In the last two years, I have casually dated quite a few girls, had all kinds of experiences, good and bad you can imagine, but nothing really stuck more than a couple of dates. Alot of it was my doing, just didn't feel it or punched holes in everyone. I really thought I had become just too jaded and had lost the ability to ever fall again. Three months ago, I met another girl online. We had some promising IMs, but that was definitely not out of the ordinary. On paper, it didn't appear to be much of a match, she was a smoker with a pre school son. I have to older teens. We go out and bam! Within a few weeks, it was apparent we were both falling fast. I was skeptical, especially given her past relationships. She was near 40 and had one short term marriage a few years back. But she was very convincing that she had finally found the one. While moving a little fast, it has been wonderful. She took me to meet the parents, dinner, they even invited me back for her fathers confirmation as a deacon, did things with her kid and mine, even started batting around future talk some. All the while, she was wooing me, showering me with affection and love. There are some basic and big differences in our lives. Besides the kids, I am 43, own my home and have friends fairly close to my age, most of whom have stable lives and I have a good, civil relationship with my ex wife. She is almost 40, lives with her 6 year old and two 20 something guys. I am not jealous or concerned about anything going on, but the house seems to have more of a frat house ambiance to it than the typical mother and small child environment. Most of her friends are in their 20s and all have dysfunctional relatioships. She has been divorced for 5 years and her ex is a complete nutjob. Still stalks her, says horrible things to the kid about her, etc...constant drama with him. In spite of these, she was able to grab me and we had amazing chemistry. About a week ago, she suddenly seemed to get distant. I asked her Thursday night if everything was ok. She said she was just stressed and didnt want to get engaged right away. I was fine as I had no intention of going that far anytime in the near future anyhow. She assured me she still loved me. We were together both Fri and Sat nights with no problems. Sunday, she came over and we were to go out. She seemed stressed, so I asked her about it. She looked me in the eye and blurted, "I have just completely lost it for you"..She was unemotional and was unable to explain it. Said it just happens that way for her some. Needless to say I was dumbfounded. She had spent all this time wooing and convincing me I was her dream catch, only to suddenly and abruptly declare her feelings totally gone. I did not yell, raise my voice, whine, beg or anything wrong. I simply asked her to try to explain as I was somewhat shocked. This lasted for about 20 minutes and then she left to go home. I know there are plenty of red flags out there and I should just accept it and move along. I just keep wanting to make logic out of it all. I have never seen someone go from complete bliss to "I have nothing" in such a short period. Usually when relationships develop, they end with a fade or at least some type of pattern of things deterioratinf somewhere. Any insights on her behaviour would be greatly appreciated.
LionLover Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I don't have any insight, but I love the fact that you have Captain Kangaroo as your avatar. What ever happened to Mr. Moose & his knock knock jokes?
Ronni_W Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I do not know. From your post, it appears that you had/have a lot of judgment around her lifestyle, friends, choices, etc. Perhaps that leaked through into your relationship without you realizing, or she is more empathic than most and got a felt-sense of the 'vibe' that your thoughts were transmitting? Also from your post, it appears that you put a lot of responsibility on her, about the relationship's development and depth. (She did all the wooing and whatnot, and you are coming across more as a helpless bystander who just got sucked up in the whirlwind.) Perhaps she is looking for someone who will take more self-responsibility about his own experiences and choices?
flc Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Seems to be a lot of this going around. Not sure what to say but I know how you feel. Seems to be a lot of people both men and women go running for the hills when the relationship starts to get more committed.
Author shockandawed Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 Ronni, Fair and insightful. Bare in mind, my post and descriptions of her pushing the relationship was merely put in my post to illustrate that this wasn't a case of me getting caught up in a girl who wasn't all that into me to begin with. I take full responsibility for allowing this to get this far this fast. It takes two and I am old enough to understand that. As far as her friends and her lifestyle, I felt I was pretty accomodating and accepting. While it is different than mine, I knew the situation from the beginning and chose to go forward. She had told me past boyfriends would not come over there or want to be around her roomies. I was always friendly and stayed at her place numerous times.
Ronni_W Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 descriptions of her pushing the relationship was merely put in my post to illustrate that this wasn't a case of me getting caught up in a girl who wasn't all that into me to begin with. Gotcha...so it's not that, then. Perhaps like someone else said - fear of intimacy, on her part? Or maybe she was feeling (conscious or unconscious) self-inflicted pressure to change her lifestyle to more closely align with yours...or envisioning that she might have to do that at some point in the future, if she wanted to stay with you? Or could even be that it wasn't solely self-inflicted, depending on her ability to 'sense' matters even when unspoken? Like I said, I don't know
vonerik012 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Some women are in love with being in love. Or the chase. I dated one woman that was obsessed with me. For 3 months she wrote me letters, emails, told me how much she loves me, I changed her life, etc etc, And then one day out of nowhere she said "Sorry, I am not ready for a relationship." It was her pushing for it since day one! Just move on and realize some women are just nuts.
LionLover Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Well I think she has a lot on her plate as far as the divorce, kids, her ex-husband crazy stalker. You both knew that going into it & from what you posted, it seems she is unable to sort out her emotions but instead feels overwhelmed with everything that's going on. Your not there to be her "punching bag", you cannot "save" her. She has to sort her own "stuff" out first. I don't think there is a clear cut solution that anyone can give you at this point, I know that doesn't help but everyone's situation is different & ultimately, it is your decision.
Author shockandawed Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 You may be right on the long term thoughts of changing her lifestyle. She initiated the future talk about a month or so ago. Not blaming, just explaining that she brought it up. We live about 25 miles apart, in adjoining states. She asked me if it would freak me out if she told me she had explored job listings near me. I told her then that if and when the time was there, I would be willing to move there. My oldest is in college and my 15 year old stays at her Moms during the week. I work from home so I have little to disrupt. She quickly countered that she wanted to get away from where she was, thought it might reduce probs with the ex if he had to drive a little farther to stalk. Since I own my home, have plenty of space and walking distance to a great elementary school, that coming here would make the only real sense. No dates were really ever set, it was more of a down the road thing. She has mentioned in previous conversations that she stayed in the dorms in college for 5 years because she didn't want to leave her friends.
Author shockandawed Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 Well I think she has a lot on her plate as far as the divorce, kids, her ex-husband crazy stalker. You both knew that going into it & from what you posted, it seems she is unable to sort out her emotions but instead feels overwhelmed with everything that's going on. Your not there to be her "punching bag", you cannot "save" her. She has to sort her own "stuff" out first. I don't think there is a clear cut solution that anyone can give you at this point, I know that doesn't help but everyone's situation is different & ultimately, it is your decision. I agree Lion, While she seems to want to get on and away from that, she allows the drama to continue. She also had a major blow up argument with one of her roomies this week over him getting a German Shepard pup who is destroying everything in the house. I do wonder if I am drawn to the girls with all the issues as some sort of white knight fantasy. Seems like the ones with no baggage and a lot in common with I quickly lose interest in.
vonerik012 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Shock exactly. The same woman I am speaking of also initiated a conversation in which she wanted to shift jobs to be closer to me. Perhaps we could live together. Then out of nowhere she "Was not ready for a relationship"
Author shockandawed Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 How long ago was this? Did she ever come clean with you down the road? I know I must move on and I will, but I really need logic.
vonerik012 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 This was a few years ago, and I never got any answer at all. There was no logic.
Author shockandawed Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 No contact with her since she left yesterday afternoon. Just got a text from her "Checking on you...are you ok?" Simply replied.."I guess so..you?" Seems a little strange. When I have broken up with someone and had the final conversation with them, I didn't contact them the next day to open anything back up.
LionLover Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Captain, one thing that may be helpful would be for you to go by her actions, versus what she is saying to you. If her actions & treatment do not confirm what she says, then you will never know which direction to go. It becomes very confusing when you are trying to desipher the meanings behind the language. Especially because there are no two people alive who will ever be able to verbally communicate properly with each other, 100% of the time, every single time. It's just not possible. I do wonder if I am drawn to the girls with all the issues as some sort of white knight fantasy. Seems like the ones with no baggage and a lot in common with I quickly lose interest in. I think there is a possibility that you could be right & perhaps that is something about yourself that you should explore further.
vonerik012 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 No contact with her since she left yesterday afternoon. Just got a text from her "Checking on you...are you ok?" Simply replied.."I guess so..you?" Seems a little strange. When I have broken up with someone and had the final conversation with them, I didn't contact them the next day to open anything back up. LOL, maybe it is the same woman I dated.. She did the exact same thing.. Went out of her way to keep contacting me via text, email, phone call, after she told me it was over, for no reason, out of nowhere.
Author shockandawed Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 Would she have a 6 year old? lol..... Just replied "I'm ok...just still feel bad"
Ronni_W Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 She quickly countered that she wanted to get away from where she was, ... she stayed in the dorms in college for 5 years because she didn't want to leave her friends. Those two things would more be indicating her own inner conflicts, no? Even if they were said weeks or months apart. Plus, perhaps pointing to neediness/clinginess and a lack of being able to just be herself, choose her life and live it? And maybe her current living arrangements, choice of friends, etc., are also indications of some deeper unhealed issues and/or under-developed life and coping skills? EDIT: And subsequent texts...more inner conflict?
xpaperxcutx Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Those two things would more be indicating her own inner conflicts, no? Even if they were said weeks or months apart. Plus, perhaps pointing to neediness/clinginess and a lack of being able to just be herself, choose her life and live it? And maybe her current living arrangements, choice of friends, etc., are also indications of some deeper unhealed issues and/or under-developed life and coping skills? EDIT: And subsequent texts...more inner conflict? It is inner conflict. With everything that's going on in her life, she still chose to include you in her life because the prospect of dating and falling in love still entices her. She fell quick and hard, invited you home, and everything seemed perfect albeit with her stalker ex. But then she starts nitpicking at little problems that aren't there to justify why her life is a bit screwed up the way it was, and she chose the relationship as a problem that she needed to eradicate. The more she thought about it, the more she's convinced she doesn't like you anymore, and thus the breakup. She's not looking for drama, it's just she can't handle the things that are happening, especially her emotions.
daphne Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Shock, There are two problems I see here. THe first, is that this woman is not exactly great relationship material. The label may or may not fit, however she sounds like a commitmentphobe. Hot and heavy one minute, then she's lost all feeling when she has you and you've stopped being a challenge. I have to say most people are this way to a certain degree, but throw in a rushed relationship and most of the time the end is the same. Secondly, you're old enough to know better than to allow a relationship to push ahead at full speed. Great things don't seem to ever come out of rushing. At least, I have yet to see it. Ask yourself why you allowed it to happen this fast, and why you chose her. You said on paper there were some glaring differences and you didn't think there'd be a match. However, there was chemistry. And I'd venture to guess it wasn't healthy chemistry. So you need to figure out why you're attracted to instability when it sounds like you, yourself are stable. Why do stable women bore you? You may very well have similar problems to this woman, since you're not choosing women that can provide you with a good relationship.
Art_Critic Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Sorry S&A.. breakups suck... It sounds to me that she bolted.. 10-1 she really doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship or if she does she is scared as soon as someone gets too close It also sounds like she goes all in and it burns out when things get too close.. Glad you didn't do the "what did I do wrong scenario with yourself".. you seem to have a good grasp of yourself these days .. If you guys go back for a second round try and work on your communication concerning each others needs.. It sounds like she didn't understand your needs and she also did convey her needs to you..
vonerik012 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I can relate to shockandawed, and I guess a good question is WHY these people do everything in their power to obtain you, constantly talk about the future, and then just bolt out of nowhere. It really does make trusting people in the future again much more difficult.
guin_girl Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Hey S&A, First off, I think you offered too much stability and obviously that is not what she's looking for. To be hitting 40 and living with a fraternity lifestyle should tell you she's not going to turn the big 4-0 without a fight. I think things got too real for her and she got scared. Moving in together, getting engaged and getting married thoughts got her thinking about how she wasn't going to be able live her "care-free" lifestyle. I feel sorry for the 6 year old who has to deal with his mother's issues. You are much better off going through this now, (and yes I know it hurts, it's so hard to find someone that you click with) but to have gone down the road with a more concrete commitment would have been so much more devastating for all those involved. That ex-husband may not have been "psycho" until she came along. And it seems like she feeds off that drama... There's no reason to feed her ego anymore with any responses to any text messages. You know the rule, no contact!!
flc Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I think there are always some warning signs but when the chemistry is good you tend to ignore them. I know in my case the women was married at 17 and had been divorced for 10 years with only one long relationship before we met. So first thing I though was lack of an early social life and why no real commitment for 10 years. But heck she was good looking and fun so I went with it anyway. Anyway you can just have a healthy attitude and move on when these things happen. I have a two day rule, I will mope around for no longer than two days after a breakup then I am off doing other things.
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