daisydo Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 hi everyone, i'm having a really tough problem.. i posted on the dating forums but i think this issue might be better addressed in this forum. i have been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months now. when we first met, it was the most intense and amazing experience of my life. i have never felt the way i did.. to say we felt sparks was an understatement. we could complete each other's thoughts - it was almost creepy how in sync we were. i knew that this is the man i wanted to be with for the rest of my life and i'd never been more certain about anything else. well.. we were both so excited about meeting each other that we moved extremely quickly.. 3 months in to the relationship, we decided to move in together for the summer to save money. well that i believe might have been a fatal mistake.. the whole summer, instead of addressing the little stresses that come up everyday when you live with someone, we just bottled them all up. we assumed that since we were soul mates, we wouldn't have to work at the relationship - that it would just come naturally.. well as a result, months of resentment, hurt and anger have built up.. he has become increasingly negative and i have become extremely critical and annoyed by him. we've since moved to separate places and are trying to repair our relationship. i am just at a loss as to what to do here.. i want to take steps to feel loving towards him again - but i just feel so angry and resentful of the months of (what i feel) was a total lack of consideration for the other person and a complete lack of romance. i'm not even sure how things turned for the worse so quickly - maybe our feelings were not based in reality but just the excitement of meeting someone.. in our recent communications, we have started going back and forth blaming each other for this and that offense. i feel like we both have so much hurt built up inside.. can we just forgive and let all of the past 3 months go to try and remember what we had before which felt so real and true? what can we do to repair this damage or is it irreparable? so far - we've tried to sit down and have completely open and honest conversation with each other.. breaking down our walls and not blaming each other for everything that went wrong.. there have been a lot of tears and late nights.. we're going to try and have fun with each other again.. go on actual dates, etc.. take things slowly and not see each other as much as we were to make the time we do spend together more special. i know that this is going to take 100% effort 100% of the time.. but so far i am just not sure if we can do what it takes. is this just a total lost cause? i want to fight for what i feel is the most intense and amazing connection i've felt in my life.. but i just am not sure how we can make things work out as it stands now.. any suggestions or guidance would be greatly appreciated. thank you.
Lishy Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 let me ask you, do you feel it will be fun to be putting 100% effort in 100% of the time and contantly be trying to get back what was lost a while ago? You are searching for what you HAD but all you will see is what you have NOW The same happened with me and my ex, we had useless communication and now it is dead - I went from loving him to feeling nothing and all because we did not talk enough about problems. As much as I tried to tell him he would not listen and I fell out of love and what we had that was once so good, died!
Tony T Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 It boggles my mind that people just don't get it...they don't understand that attraction and relationships are chemical...plain and simple. Our whole bodies are made up of nothing but chemicals and the attraction people feel for each other are chemicals, most of them secreted into the brain upon visual or auditory stimulation at first. Now, what would you rather have? A relationship that begins as an atomic bomb that goes off, creates a giant chemical reaction that eventually fizzes down into nothingness also bringing a measure of destruction. Or would you prefer a relationship that begins as a small seed smartly planted in fertile soil that grows slowly but ends up a giant Oak tree that endures the seasons for hundreds of years? If you're looking for something that will last, don't do the fireworks so soon. If you want something that lasts, begin it slowly. Now here you are trying to get things back like they were in the beginning. Science (and emotions) just don't work that way. If you try to get another nuclear reaction going, it may last a short time but it will surely fizzle again. You need to start back from day one and let this thing grow slowly. Don't feel bad, you've made the same mistake so many people do. Also, understand that every seed you plant does not grow for a long time. Some don't even take at all. Every relationship you seek is not meant to last a lifetime. Anything you force just isn't going to work. Good luck and godspeed!
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