nowhereman82 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 So thought I would share this with everyone. My ex before my current ex has been in contact with me lately (friends and nothing more). We were very good friends at one point....but after she cheated on me I told her to bugger off and did not speak to her for almost 5 years. So more specifically, we talked last night about what went down before and after I let her go. I didn't realize at the time I was doing the right thing but I refused any contact attempts she made. She would call my house, come by the house, check my spots I would hang at. She shared that it drove her absolutely CRAZY that I would not speak to her. She said because of what I did to her (NC and leaving her) she treated future men better because she realized what she lost. I am sure if I had accepted her back in my life she wouldn't of changed. She said she was devastated for over a year because I wouldn't speak to her. I met my current ex about 3 months after I left her and was with her for 5 years. I only share this because it goes to show that there is love after love. I love both of these women very much and do not regret the time I was with them. Each relationship taught me something new. But the purpose of sharing this is to show that if your ex cares about you in any manner. Going NC has great power. For yourself mostly and over them secondly. If NC doesn't faze them....then they probably have moved on and it's a good indicator you should as well.
me007 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Do you think NC has the same effect on men? I read alot of guys doing it to their ex-gfs, and maybe because women miss the attention. But guys are better at pushing things out of their minds and occupying their thoughts with other things, right? I think at this point I called my ex so much he is probably relieved I stopped, so NC won't have much help that way.
Angel1111 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 NC is great when you're the one who was wronged or betrayed or if you're the one who's intent on ending the relationship completely. And it does teach some people restraint because they don't seem to know how to control their emotions or know when to back off. But in a lot of cases, I think NC is just a form of self-inflicted pain that's unnecessary. I don't think it's this blanket solution that most people seem to think it is. It depends on the circumstances.
HopeDiesLast Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 But what if you just want to work on things? i can understand sparing yourself more rejection and pain by cutting off your ex (the dumper), but if you would really like to discuss things...is no contact the best option still? I guess if you have no choice, then you have no choice- you should never beg or plead. but is there anyway to get someone to talk to you?
CaliGuy Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 But what if you just want to work on things? i can understand sparing yourself more rejection and pain by cutting off your ex (the dumper), but if you would really like to discuss things...is no contact the best option still? I guess if you have no choice, then you have no choice- you should never beg or plead. but is there anyway to get someone to talk to you? HDL, unless the other person wants to talk I would suggest sticking to NC. Sometimes the closure we're seeking from someone else never happens. In those cases, you need to make your own closure. And if they told you why and were honest, most of the time we refuse to believe it. So even if you did talk to them, you're not really going to gain closure. Closure happens when we accept, forgive and move on. Regardless of whether they provide an answer we accept or not. My vote? Stick to NC. You'll heal when you're tired of the way you feel now.
HopeDiesLast Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 HDL, unless the other person wants to talk I would suggest sticking to NC. Sometimes the closure we're seeking from someone else never happens. In those cases, you need to make your own closure. And if they told you why and were honest, most of the time we refuse to believe it. So even if you did talk to them, you're not really going to gain closure. Closure happens when we accept, forgive and move on. Regardless of whether they provide an answer we accept or not. My vote? Stick to NC. You'll heal when you're tired of the way you feel now. I'm so tired. im so angry. im so sad. i miss him. and im lonely. i wish someone would come along to distract me- but even a rebound (who i didnt even let kiss me!) didnt cut it. why cant i just shake this? my head he wasnt giving me what i want....but i just wish i could detach my emotions from this. and move the f*** on. know what i mean?
nopainnogain Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 My vote? Stick to NC. You'll heal when you're tired of the way you feel now. This statement couldnt be farther from the truth.
CaliGuy Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I'm so tired. im so angry. im so sad. i miss him. and im lonely. i wish someone would come along to distract me- but even a rebound (who i didnt even let kiss me!) didnt cut it. why cant i just shake this? my head he wasnt giving me what i want....but i just wish i could detach my emotions from this. and move the f*** on. know what i mean? You're not able to make yourself happy. Until you can, it won't matter if you meet someone or not. You still won't be receptive to a happy, healthy relationship. Why does your happiness rest so much on being with someone. Do you remember my "bucket" analogy? If you have a bucket and within it is love, your bucket must be overfilled with love of yourself (by that I mean being happy and content with who you are and your life) before you can love others the right way. Learn to be happy, confident and content alone. Only then will you be able to have a happy and sustained relationship. This statement couldnt be farther from the truth. How so? Healing begins when we accept the situation for what it is. It doesn't matter what someone's reason is for leaving us. We never accept it anyway. We have to make our own closure. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you begin the climb back up the hill. When you're dog tired of feeling sorry for yourself, you'll learn to pull yourself up from the bootstraps and move on. Again: YOU are the only person on this planet responsible for your wants, needs and happiness. Period. If you depend on someone else to make you happy you will always be disappointed.
BCCA Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Not only do we never accept the reason that things have ended, the other person is rarely ever going to be honest with you anyway. I agree, after learning it the hard way, that closure only comes from within. Don't let anyone else weild that much power over your life. You dont need anyone else to be happy or to make you feel whole.
0hpenelope Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Sometimes the closure we're seeking from someone else never happens. In those cases, you need to make your own closure. And if they told you why and were honest, most of the time we refuse to believe it. So even if you did talk to them, you're not really going to gain closure. Not only do we never accept the reason that things have ended, the other person is rarely ever going to be honest with you anyway. I agree, after learning it the hard way, that closure only comes from within. True, true. Let me just summarize things. Dissatisfaction with answers begets more questions. In other words, no answer really truly satisfies. Closure is something that you can only give yourself.
Melrapuo Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 NC is great when you're the one who was wronged or betrayed or if you're the one who's intent on ending the relationship completely. And it does teach some people restraint because they don't seem to know how to control their emotions or know when to back off. But in a lot of cases, I think NC is just a form of self-inflicted pain that's unnecessary. I don't think it's this blanket solution that most people seem to think it is. It depends on the circumstances. I think NC works only after you let your ex know everything you feel, and that you've attempted every other option to fix things (without becoming obsessed or a stalker). When all else fails, NC is the only way to go. It stops you from letting them use you, even if they think they aren't using you in the first place. The dumper tends to want everything to work out in the end, and if he/she has second thoughts, they'll let you know.
nopainnogain Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 How so? Healing begins when we accept the situation for what it is. It doesn't matter what someone's reason is for leaving us. We never accept it anyway. We have to make our own closure. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you begin the climb back up the hill. When you're dog tired of feeling sorry for yourself, you'll learn to pull yourself up from the bootstraps and move on. Again: YOU are the only person on this planet responsible for your wants, needs and happiness. Period. If you depend on someone else to make you happy you will always be disappointed. No , I wasnt diagreeing with you bro. I meant it in a good way. That statement is how I felt. I was sick of dwelling and feeling like crap. So I took action and now I feel a thousand times better. Again,I agree with everthing you have said. You have been an inspiration to me caliguy. Keep up the great work. I have read all of your posts lol. Nothing but wisdom. I wanted closure from my ex. An apology or something. But I realized that wasnt gonna happen because she is too pridful. So I found my own closure.
HopeDiesLast Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 how do i find my own closure? who did u guys find yours, specifically? was it a moment, getting fed up, something happening? i think im just fed up. and helpless. might as well stop trying.
CaliGuy Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 No , I wasnt diagreeing with you bro. I meant it in a good way. That statement is how I felt. I was sick of dwelling and feeling like crap. So I took action and now I feel a thousand times better. Again,I agree with everthing you have said. You have been an inspiration to me caliguy. Keep up the great work. I have read all of your posts lol. Nothing but wisdom. I wanted closure from my ex. An apology or something. But I realized that wasnt gonna happen because she is too pridful. So I found my own closure. Ah ok, I get it now. The way that sentence was written I thought you disagreed how do i find my own closure? who did u guys find yours, specifically? was it a moment, getting fed up, something happening? i think im just fed up. and helpless. might as well stop trying. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I was tired of moping around the house. Life was passing me by each and every day and I was like "WTH!? If I don't do something with my life, I'll end up in a nuthouse!" What closure did I make? Well, it's been three years now I think but my closure was simply that "If she doesn't want to be with me, why should I waste any of my emotional energy on her?! Someone else will want me (as the dating sites are revealing!!!) for sure and I'm better off without her." We tend to put our exs on pedestals. I bet you can think of 100 things that are bad about your ex. HOWEVER, that said, the less you think about him, the better off you are. You will never meet the RIGHT guy for you when you're stuck on the one that got away (who is NOT the right guy for you or he'd be with you now!). Make your own closure. Burn whatever of his is left. Get rid of the photos. EXORCISE this guy from your life. No matter HOW great you think he was, he left you.
sid3 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Without creating closure for yourself at some level, it will be next to impossible to start healing and begin to move on. You have to make that choice in your mind. Getting tired of all the crappy feelings is often what it takes. You can take CaliGuy's advice to the bank, it's money. My ex came back after a month of NC, nothing changed accept for the amount of increased emotional bleeding that it caused. But i'll leave that for it's own thread. If your ex calls and says their sorry and they miss you, think twice, second chances don't always mean for things to get better, they can often be second chances to rip your heart out and leave you emotional drained. You think the first time sucks, the second time is even worse. Trust me on that, I'm living it and I am in HELL. Funny thing is, she called the day I had actually started to feel better and started moving on. Yes, somehow they know....Now I get the chance to run into her at work every now and then. I couldn't get much worse.......God truely hates me right now. Even in these darkest of day's, I know I will make it eventually, and if I can you can too.....if not a day at a time, than hour by hour.......
0hpenelope Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 how do i find my own closure? who did u guys find yours, specifically? was it a moment, getting fed up, something happening? i think im just fed up. and helpless. might as well stop trying. You're going to get to the point where you're tired of feeling the way you do. You're going to be tired of being sad all the time. You're going to want to smile again. Me specifically, I got tired of not laughing. I like laughing. I know I'm fun to be around because my friends always tell me so and I know they like having me around - even though I was such a Debbie Downer for a long time. I knew Lawrence wasn't a friend anymore when I was sad all the time around him. "Bud, guess what? I'm going to let you go and I call bullsh*t if you tell me you won't be okay if I'm gone. Because you broke up with me in the first place." Sure, I miss him. But... I'd rather not hear anything about him. Nothing. Nothing good will come out of it. Let go and let grow, hon. :shrug: It's easier said than done, but get going on it... You're not going to get there if you're not putting in the effort (I'm not saying that you aren't) and then a little more. When you're at your lowest, that just means you have to try harder to purge this guy out of your system and life. You had a life where he wasn't in it once. I'm willing to bet you were just fine then.
HopeDiesLast Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 You guys are all right. I'm just tired of being unhappy. I'm tired of feeling sad and rejected. I go out, i do yoga, i go to the gym. I visit family and friends and i do things for me. I read, i work on looking and feeling good. I just don't know why i cant shake this ya know? Why i still wonder sometimes how he is, what hes doing....is this really it? I sometimes shift back into disbelief that his feelings have changed. It still shocks me he doesn't want US anymore. You're right Ohpen- let go and let grow. Sometimes people need to grow on their own and then come back together. sometimes they just don't. Letting someone go that you love so damn much might be the hardest thing in the world to do.
CaliGuy Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 You guys are all right. I'm just tired of being unhappy. I'm tired of feeling sad and rejected. I go out, i do yoga, i go to the gym. I visit family and friends and i do things for me. I read, i work on looking and feeling good. I just don't know why i cant shake this ya know? Why i still wonder sometimes how he is, what hes doing....is this really it? I sometimes shift back into disbelief that his feelings have changed. It still shocks me he doesn't want US anymore. You're right Ohpen- let go and let grow. Sometimes people need to grow on their own and then come back together. sometimes they just don't. Letting someone go that you love so damn much might be the hardest thing in the world to do. Happiness is a choice. You choose to be happy or you choose to be unhappy. Its up to you.
Author nowhereman82 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 There is a linguist that I quote in my signature. In one of his songs he states: "You're who you gonna be unless you choose otherwise; If you let it flow the universe will empathize" I try to keep this in mind when i feel unhappy...because I realize that i choose my happiness. I do not find happiness in the activities I do....but it sets me on the right road towards happiness.
0hpenelope Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 I try to keep this in mind when i feel unhappy...because I realize that i choose my happiness. I do not find happiness in the activities I do....but it sets me on the right road towards happiness. Yup, it's true. "Fake it 'til you make it," "I'll be happy someday, eventually," etc. Even if a lot of us don't find happiness in what we're doing, just doing anything to keep that "special someone" out of our minds - even for a short while - is a welcome respite. I don't think anyone will contest against that, either. I've learned a lot on LS and other people's experiences and all of them vary - which is okay. I'm getting comfortable with the idea that I may be single for the rest of my life... which happens. :shrug: It's an active choice that some people make and I've had great examples of single women in my life. They're happy, they're content with what they have. This is key for anyone, I believe, alone or coupled up. Until I find that contentment... I'll stay restless. And if I find it by being single, my happiness will be unparalleled. So far, I'm happy. I'm having a lot of fun with the friends I live with and my loved ones. It's been great to be able to shake off thoughts of Lawrence now. But I had a setback yesterday. Now I'm ok.
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