RollyG Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Hi there, I need some advice from experienced married couples, who aren't related or know me - always better getting a third party opinion. I have been married for almost 2 years now and we have a 4 month old daughter together. I love them both so very very much. I would die for them both! But I have these fights with my wife and I don't ever recall wininng an arguement... ever! I know it's not about winning or losing, but about coming to a mutuallu beneficial agreement, or some sort of compromise, but in the end, I am never happy! EVER! I admit, I am not the perfect husband, but I try my best. I care for her, provide for her, help around the house alot, pamper her and do what I can to make her feel good. But when we fight, she always seems to get her way, and I'm always just agreeing with her so I don't get her any more upset. We come from completely different upbringings, and that causes us to fight when it comes to particular traditions or characteristics built on the way we were raised. But I feel like I am the one who always has to put my traditions aside just to make her happy. And when I tell her how I feel, she assumes that I think that way because I don't want to upset my parents. The reality is, I don't want to upset anybody, so I feel stuck in the middle when it comes to these matters- and I HATE IT! I hate choosing, because I always end up hurting somebody. I want to be able to come to a compromise where we are both happy, but it just seems as though that if I don't agree with her, then she will hate me and I feel guilty for it... And I think I'm beginning to despise her. Appreciate some advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Cheers, RollyG.
Walk Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I was wondering if you could give an example of a fight you had recently. I'd like to try to understand the dynamics a little better. It's hard to say what would be the best route for you to take at this time without understanding the situation better... but some general tips would be to sit down with your wife and discuss how you're feeling. Share with your wife 'rules for arguing', and show her you want this to make the relationship better. http://www.country-couples.co.uk/datingtips/6-rules-for-arguing-in-a-relationship/ http://www.relationships-explained.com/pages/arguments.html Sometimes just reading articles on how to change your argument styles is enough to snap you out of that emotional state and more into a rational state. It can allow you to focus on the bigger picture rather then focusing on the pain and resentment you're feeling. And ultimately, what you would like is to have a great relationship, right? And you (because you asked not because you're doing anything wrong) need to set up a path to get to where you want... a happy, comprimising relationship. That may take both of you relearning how to argue effectively and fairly. (My H and I had to do this.) That's kind of a general 'big picture' change you could make to the way you and your wife handle arguments.
Ronni_W Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I'm always just agreeing with her so I don't get her any more upset.... when I tell her how I feel, she assumes that I think that way because I don't want to upset my parents. The reality is, I don't want to upset anybody, so I feel stuck in the middle when it comes to these matters- and I HATE IT! I hate choosing, because I always end up hurting somebody. The difficulty lies in your need to please EVERYBODY, to not "rock ANY boats" -- that is totally impossible for you to do, and whomever told you that you can or must do that was totally wrong. Those who love and respect you will continue to love and respect you, EVEN WHEN your needs and desires are in conflict with theirs. It is your own fear about displeasing someone, anyone, everyone, that is limiting your ability to feel like a co-winner when there is a difference of preferences. Your wife cannot "compromise" in ways that will help you to please all the people that you want or need to please. Until you resolve your (maladaptive) people-pleasing needs and strategies, it will always feel like your wife (and anyone else who must negotiate with you) is "winning". But it's not that she's "winning" at all, it's that you are trying to negotiate for too many people...if that makes sense? The solution is for you to just negotiate for what YOU want, don't want, like and don't like...and let others negotiate for their own comfort and enjoyment. EDIT: Not that it is easy to come to that place...didn't mean to imply that. There is some self-awareness and emotional work to be done, assertiveness and positive communication skills to be learned, etc.
Trialbyfire Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 A "real" compromise isn't about rolling over. It's about coming to a mutually agreed upon middle-ground, where both parties are reasonably satisfied. This means that once you've reached that agreement and both abide by it, it can never come up again as a harboured resentment. There will be times where one party gives. When one party is always giving, there's something very wrong. Your wife and parents keep putting you in the middle and in allowing yourself to be put there, you enable this dynamic. If they have conflicting needs, step back and say to both parties, "Okay, have at it with each other until you hammer out an agreement. I'm not paid to be your negotiator or bone of contention".
carhill Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Accept that you will live your life with people mad at you and annoyed with you. Change behaviors that you feel comfortable with altering and hold firm on those which, if altered, would compromise your most basic perspectives of life. I will give an example. My wife is perpetually rushing at the last minute for everything. I'm the planner, the organizer. When we both have to be somewhere, I abide by my usual behaviors and, instead of listening to her harang me about driving like grandpa, I now invite her to drive, or, if not possible, just ignore her rantings, because I know their source and it has nothing to do with me. I can't change her but I can attempt to bend to a certain point, by doing everything I can to keep us on schedule without nagging her; once that point is reached, I accept that I've done all I can and still remain healthy, and let go of my need to never disappoint and always be on time. I can't be responsible for other's feelings. I'll tell a specific story about this in my upcoming journal conclusion to "Three cats and a mouse" I call this dynamic "bending". Both parties, especially if disparate perspectives are in evidence, must bend to some degree, or else one will break, severing the relationship dynamic. In the above example, I perhaps bent a bit more, but I stopped before my personal limit was reached. Your path is exactly how I fell out of love with my wife, by breaking. I'm attempting to repair that. Don't be me
Dark-N-Romantic Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I hope my unmarried status isn't going to be a problem in giving some advice here. 1. No marriage is by definition perfect. Why? Because no spouse is perfect. What does this mean? Your human, so don't feel bad because you don't think your perfect. Just make sure you are doing what you can to contribute to your wife, your child, and your relationship. Sometimes things will be high and sometimes things will be low. 2. While it may not seem like you every get things to end your way. I am sure somethings have. But, that is not the issue. The issue is finding more things within your mind that you feel that you either a) come out on the winning side on and/or b) more things where you feel comfortably equal in the end. Some suggestions I have done with dealing with people and compromise and reconciling unto myself peace in the compromise is this... 1. It is not about winning. It is about finding a middle ground and in truth being on a middle ground is never easy for people. They always feel some loss, even if it works out for the best. 2. Have you sat down and seriously talked to your wife about your feelings of the unevenness of the compromises you make? 3. Have you thought about marriage counseling to try and work through these issues? Your wife my not see what your seeing and maybe you may not feel comfortable or come across with ineffective ways of telling her your feelings. 4. Maybe it is your own view that may be distorting your outlook. Maybe taking some time to do some soul searching and self-analysis will help you to start facing some of your personal issues, if such is the case in these situations. Now, being of different worlds is only a problem if one or both partners make it so. For example, an interracial couple can only have problems with their spouse's racial background if they use it against their partner. If one is rich and the other is poor, the financial backgrounds will not be an issue if they truly don't care about where their partner came from. If anything, their love will always overcome such unimportant differences. DNR
Trialbyfire Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Oh, one question. Do you ever put yourself in the middle? Some people do this, to control situations because they feel they're the most capable to handle it. When it blows up, they back off from responsibility. Most definitely I'm not saying this is you, OP, but it's also something to consider.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I hope my unmarried status isn't going to be a problem in giving some advice here. 1. No marriage is by definition perfect. Why? Because no spouse is perfect. What does this mean? Your human, so don't feel bad because you don't think your perfect. Just make sure you are doing what you can to contribute to your wife, your child, and your relationship. Sometimes things will be high and sometimes things will be low. 2. While it may not seem like you every get things to end your way. I am sure somethings have. But, that is not the issue. The issue is finding more things within your mind that you feel that you either a) come out on the winning side on and/or b) more things where you feel comfortably equal in the end. Some suggestions I have done with dealing with people and compromise and reconciling unto myself peace in the compromise is this... 1. It is not about winning. It is about finding a middle ground and in truth being on a middle ground is never easy for people. They always feel some loss, even if it works out for the best. 2. Have you sat down and seriously talked to your wife about your feelings of the unevenness of the compromises you make? 3. Have you thought about marriage counseling to try and work through these issues? Your wife my not see what your seeing and maybe you may not feel comfortable or come across with ineffective ways of telling her your feelings. 4. Maybe it is your own view that may be distorting your outlook. Maybe taking some time to do some soul searching and self-analysis will help you to start facing some of your personal issues, if such is the case in these situations. Now, being of different worlds is only a problem if one or both partners make it so. For example, an interracial couple can only have problems with their spouse's racial background if they use it against their partner. If one is rich and the other is poor, the financial backgrounds will not be an issue if they truly don't care about where their partner came from. If anything, their love will always overcome such unimportant differences. True compromise is about two or more parties being able to win and lose at the same time. It is about being okay about giving up something, but happy about not giving up more than they wanted. It is not about always being happy about making a choice, but at the same time being happy one has a choice. DNR
quankanne Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 It is not about winning. It is about finding a middle ground and in truth being on a middle ground is never easy for people. They always feel some loss, even if it works out for the best. bingo! Compromise means finding the best answer for you as a *couple* and not just for Rolly or Rolly's wife alone. Meaning, both of you have to give a little ... or a lot ... for the better good of the marriage. frankly, it's hard when you first start trying to act on this, because we all tend to be selfish. BUT! When you keep practicing, keep working at it, you find yourselves automatically thinking in terms of what's best for the relationship, and giving from your end or hers isn't as painful or hard as you think. next time you fight, in a kind way point out that there doesn't have to be a winner and a loser, but that both of you win when put the needs of the relationship first. Sometimes it means one person will concede, but it doesn't mean he/she loses. frankly, I can't speak highly enough about the marriage encounter weekend my husband and I made 10 years ago, because it helped enrich our relationship by giving us the tools we needed to better communicate with each other and by showing us that we cannot be "married singles" in the relationship – we've got to put marriage first (we/us) and self (me) second. look into marriage enrichment courses/programs in your area, you'll find a world of help for your relationship with your wife.
carhill Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 showing us that we cannot be "married singles" in the relationship – we've got to put marriage first (we/us) and self (me) second.Can you put this in a syringe and inject my wife while she's sleeping? Thank you
Ronni_W Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Quoting carhill, but adding the underlined word: Accept that you will live your life with UNREASONABLE people mad at you and annoyed with you. People who always want their own way are unreasonable (and unrealistic) in their expectations. Or they may be limited in empathy; or unable to see or acknowledge others' needs and desires as equally valid. Any/all of which would lead to illusion-filled "needs" and expectations, which you are not obligated to fulfill or live up to. I also agree with TBF -- it would be worthwhile to ensure that there isn't any controlling behaviour on your part, that is adding to the conundrum.
Ronni_W Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 showing us that we cannot be "married singles" in the relationship – we've got to put marriage first (we/us) and self (me) second. It can also work when we put "me" first...as long one thing that "me" wants is to ensure that "you" are feeling happy, content and good about yourself...while also keeping in mind that "me" is as worthy and deserving as "you" of having needs fulfilled. How I look at it is: if "me" takes care of "me and you", and "you" take care of "you and me"...the marriage will easily and effortlessly be taken care of as a happy result. But. That's just "me"
carhill Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Quoting carhill, but adding the underlined word: Accept that you will live your life with UNREASONABLE people mad at you and annoyed with you. Nice addendum and I can say I have my moments of unreasonable behaviors so placing such a mirror is good for both parties. This is one of the true benefits, to me, of MC. Placing that mirror in plain view so both parties can see themselves and their behaviors and the effect on their relationship. None of us is without fault
Ronni_W Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 None of us is without fault Well...except my b/f...he is perfect . Or maybe that's just the happy result of "he" and "me" being able to find happy compromise as individuals and partners? (We don't particularly give thought to keeping happy the entity called 'relationship'...that's just the label for what we are involved in. If that makes any sense?)
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