aloneatnights Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 i have recently been through about 2 weeks bent on revenge ie calling his wife, getting a friend to call her. i havent acted acted on any of these ideas but the thoughts are there. i even dreamt i stuck a pickaxe through his windscreen! now i have no intention of following anything through but are these ideas and thoughts natural? i dont actually feel angry or bitter. in fact i dont even feel sad any more, more like ......... whatever........ its just bugging me that maybe i havent let go enough, except i feel i have. the best form of revenge i can think of is by getting on with my life and having a good time doing so and being the best person i can be.
astra77 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 the best form of revenge i can think of is by getting on with my life and having a good time doing so and being the best person i can be. This of course IS the best revenge. Yes it is normal to feel this way and with time it will pass. You have feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, despair etc etc and wanting to hurt the person who has hurt you so badly is a natural reaction. The best way to hurt a MM/MW is to tell the BS, but in the long run it will make YOU look a fool. Atleast now you have walked away and you can hold you head high and know for yourself that you haven't made yourself look stupid - and seeking revenge will only make you look stupid. The best advice i can give you is to keep letting go. Just go with the flow, you will have good and bad days, but eventually the good will outway the bad days. Letting go has various stages. I am hoping that I am in the final stages of letting go, but Im still a long way off recovering completely. You need to go easy on yourself. Take one day at a time, and when you feel like seeking revenge, distract yourself with positive thoughts. Good luck huny and keep posting
blueberry Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Hi there, When my husband had an affair a couple of years ago, he left me to be with her. At that point I had my suspicions of the affair - but no proof. One day, out of the blue, he rang me. It was about 4 months after he had first left. He was crying and saying he had made a mistake and wanted to come home blah blah blah. I welcomed him with open arms. Only a week into our reconcilliation, I started getting hang-up calls. Now, I'm no fool and immediately knew that it must be another woman. Sure enough, her bitterness and resentment boiled over and she upped her game somewhat. Found my office number, calling me there, getting her friends to call, etc, and finally culminated with her sending me photographs of them together. Date-stamped! To be honest, I was more angry with him for letting himself be photographed with his mistress and the date handily in the corner. Anyway - I felt nothing but sorry for the mistress. Her actions were desperate and kinda pathetic. My husband was livid. Insisted we move houses (we didn't), insisted I change my phone number (I didn't), wanted to go to the Police (we didn't). i acted like the perfect little wife - stayed strong and played along. Sure enough, he fell in love with me all over again. I waited till as long as I could - and then left him. Crying on the floor nonetheless. We talk all the time but I'm not interested in getting back together. He is heartbroken. and the OW? God knows, probably being bitter somewhere else or hankering after someone else's husband. So what did she gain by doing this? She gained the hatred of my husband, she gained me feeling sorry for her and if anything, she pushed my husband much closer to me (even though i dont want him anymore). My advice? Keep your own council. You'll only come across as pathetic and immature. Good luck. Mx
OWoman Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 i have recently been through about 2 weeks bent on revenge ie calling his wife, getting a friend to call her. i havent acted acted on any of these ideas but the thoughts are there. Who are you wanting to take revenge on, aan? MM or BW? or both? If you (or your friends) call the BW, chances are it will be her to suffer more than him. If she is the target of your revenge, that may be what you're wanting, but if not, there's no point in drawing a bystander in as "collateral damage" or as the weapon. That would be like kidnapping his child or chopping up his dog and leaving the head in a bucket on the doorstep. Yes, he'd be hurt; but someone else would be gutted.
jj33 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Maybe its just me but I dont understand the thought of revenge against someone you loved. I understand being angry and hurt and feeling decieved. But actual steps of revenge. When you feel better about your life and accept that it is over and it didnt work out but there is a different future that lies ahead of you, hopefully the need for revenge will lessen. As they always say living well is the best revenge.
bentnotbroken Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 As a BW and I can tell you without a doubt. If you run across the wrong BS who will defend themselves and their family, you may be asking for more trouble than you have any idea about. I went through legal channels because I love the Lord and try to always do what he asks of me, but I am not above getting dangerously physical(crazy extended family and anger management issues)to make sure the ow not only wouldn't bother me, but would think twice before even breathing hard or messing with some other wife. Just something for you to ponder.
SeaBrooke Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Good for you that you aren't going to act on this anger etc. Talking about it is what helps the most. Getting those feelings out. Do it here, not with them, or with a trusted friend or therapist. The affair is over. Like others have said, there are many stages too healing after a relationship ends. It's a process, not an easy one. But everything you are thinkng about and feeling, is bringing you a little closer to putting it behind you. We are all different in how long that takes to accomplish. The best thing is to not contact either of them. When the relationship ended, so did communication. It brings up all those uncomfortable feelings and emotions, can make you feel like you want to punch something. Do something physical, during those times.... Work off the energy that's building up inside you. Breathe, and deeply, cry to if you have to inorder to get it out. I used to feel like xmm really got away with something, that his wife never knew, he had me for over a year. Wasn't always honest with his intentions etc. Same ole things most of us go through. Once you resolve in your own mind none of it is or was worth it. You'll feel much much better. They really don't get away with anything. It's more us realizing what we really don't want for ourselves I think. This woman is married to someone who easily decieves her. Who wants that? Feel bad for her. See him for who he really is. Be angry at him. It's okay to be angry. It's how you channel that anger, that makes the difference, and you are wise not to act on it by involving him or her in that process. Take it easy and be good to yourself.
blueberry Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 If you run across the wrong BS who will defend themselves and their family, you may be asking for more trouble than you have any idea about. Yeah, that's definately something to consider too. If I felt at all in jeopardy from this woman, I would have had no hesitation in acting out - bigger, better, faster, stronger Be careful who you direct your bitterness towards. Chances are she's going to act like a lioness defending her own. No-one should f*ck with that. Grow up and leave her alone. its not her fault her husband is a twat.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 It all depends AloneAtNights... You should talk to the wife IF... 1. You just found out he was married. In which case he lied. 2. He is continuing to pursue you and you are NOT giving in to him. You should not talk to the wife IF... 1. You knew he was married and decided to continue having an affair with him. 2. You are willing to do what is wrong because you want to be happy. A person does NOT have the right to play the victim card if they willingly play the role of the other person. As a matter of fact, they should count their lucky stars that they have not run into a unforgiving spouse who is willing to do whatever it is to pay such disrespectful jerks back for their actions. So, before you think of revenge or talking to the wife to "get back at the married man..." make sure you are in the right for it. DNR
LakesideDream Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I don't get "revenge" threads started by "betrayed affair partners", who were part of the cheating. Ya'll made the decision to enter into a relationship with a MM/MW. You knew the wide range of possible outcomes. Or at very least it was your responsibility to consider them. Don't play the he/she tricked me card either! You had a decision to make the minute you realized he/she was lying. Each and everyone of us cheaters, whatever persuasion, married or single, male or female, must be responsible for our own actions. What's the point in pillaging innocent people who were only caught up in their SO's web like you were? We all need to take responsiblity for the parts we played or are playing. Good or Bad, happy endings or not, we steer our own ships.
Soaked Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I think it's natural to have the thoughts... and it's tempting.. I have gone through that stage. I didn't do anything but just to think about it.. the thing is to Really think about it.. if I hurt someone will that really make me feel better.. maybe at the moment but Not Really! Also, I finally got out of this mess why do I want to put myself back in to another one? Beside I really don't want to have anything to do with him anymore...
Meaplus3 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 i have recently been through about 2 weeks bent on revenge ie calling his wife, getting a friend to call her. i havent acted acted on any of these ideas but the thoughts are there. i even dreamt i stuck a pickaxe through his windscreen! now i have no intention of following anything through but are these ideas and thoughts natural? i dont actually feel angry or bitter. in fact i dont even feel sad any more, more like ......... whatever........ its just bugging me that maybe i havent let go enough, except i feel i have. the best form of revenge i can think of is by getting on with my life and having a good time doing so and being the best person i can be. That's it in a nut shell. NO need to call the wife. Stay strong. AP:)
Author aloneatnights Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 no i wont call the wife or have any communication with him or his. i guess its a feeling that he got away with it and i got hurt. i'm not in his head so i dont know if he was or is hurting too. and yeah, he was deceiving his wife and i do feel sorry for her because sure as eggs is eggs i wouldnt want that on me. i played my part sure enough, but i also had the strength to finish it. i wonder how long he would have been prepared to carry on with the situation? how long is a piece of string eh !! let him be in his own world now , at least i'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)
showupbutbroken Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 He is probably dealing with some pain and guilt on his side that you will never know about. At the end of the day, I would not be able to live with myself knowing I had made a fool of the person I was married to. I think that he is probably not as well off as you think. Us ladies tend to create a full novel in our heads of how it must be for them but I can only imagine that he is going through his own torment too. Just think about how nervous he is that one day he might say your name in his sleep. You are better off because you don't need to worry about building your future with someone you have lied to. You will make it through this. In every lifetime, there will be a time where you feel like you are locked in a room with no lights. The good thing to remember is that with a lock, there is also a door and the opportunity for the door to be knocked down and the light to come back into the room.
herenow Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 OK, so, once again, I am the one that has to say PLEASE TELL HIS WIFE. She has the right to know what is going on in her life. She should be able to make informed decisions based on truth no matter where that truth comes from, in my opinion, she needs to know. She may not want to be married to a man who has sex with other women. Why should she be the only one in the dark about her marriage and heath risks that she is unknowingly exposed to? If her H isn't going to tell her, some one should be kind enough to give her that very valuable information.
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 If her H isn't going to tell her The OW shouldn't be telling seeing as thoughts of telling never occured to her until the dynamic in the affair changed for the negative - Honeymoon phase wore off. She had no thought or concern for his wife while she was having an affair with her husband, so now that it's over, she wants to spill it? That's malicious. Sorry but if an OW knowingly goes into an affair knowing the guy is married, part of HER consquence of getting involved is dealing with the fallout and accept her part in this. Telling his wife, then stepping away to watch the fireworks for revenge, to see his wife's life turned upside and also see MM suffer is just wrong. HE should tell, yes - But if he doesn't, that's his business, not hers. She didnt' ask permission to sleep with this woman's husband, why should she tell once it ends?
blueberry Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 She didnt' ask permission to sleep with this woman's husband, why should she tell once it ends? Can I get an AMEN!
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