is this obsession?

[mr.brightside]

hi everyone, this is my first post, just signed in cos i read some of the threads and i found them very interesting. i was hoping you guys could give me some advice in getting over this girl i broke up with like six months ago. it's kind of a long story but i'll try to be as brief as i can:

 

i'm from peru, two years ago i took a trip to chile and met a couple of guys, they introduced me to her. she'd been living in chile for 3 years by then but she's also from peru (these guys knew her from the time she was still living here). i liked her but not that much. after that we kept contact through messenger but i think we only spoke twice or so. she's very funny so i liked talking to her but since we weren't really close or anything, i erased her form my list (not blocking her, though).

a whole year went by and one day she talked to me, asking who i was ('youre on my list and i dont remember you').

i explained we had met a year ago, and she remembered me. made a comment about how boring peru is so i knew she was in town and asked her out.

she said no but later when she signed in again and i asked jokingly who she was ('youre on my list and i dont remember you') she said 'i am the girl youre going out with tomorrow night'.

so...it was pretty romantic from the start, the date was wonderful, we even sang a beach boys song under the summer rain, haha.

and ended up in a hotel room because of the rain too...neither of us wanted to go home so i suggested that we go to a hotel. at first she said no but then i told her nothing was gonna happen so she agreed. i meant that, just wanted to lay beside her and keep knowing her or whatever.

but things got a little too hot after a while and i really wanted to see her again so i didnt want to have sex with her.

i've always had this sort of rule...i seldom ask for telephone numbers whenever i have a one night stand. it's a bit weird for some but i figure i wouldn't want to see a girl so easy i got her into bed the first night.

this felt different in many ways, felt like a romantic date, a lot of chemistry, so i couldn't really end it like a one night stand.

she got mad at me.

went out the hotel complaining about me being weird and said something like 'you probably have a girlfriend, right? you pig'...stuff like that, nothing further from the truth, of course.

this girl rocked my world from the very first date, she was...wow, she was kind of a rollercoaster. like clementine from that movie 'eternal sunshine of a spotless mind', really.

thing is, despite i thought i'd never see her again, we met the following day. went out for a walk...we saw each other on sunday again cos she was supposed to leave on monday. we said goodbye, etc.

she said she would have really loved to sleep with me. you know? i could have thought she was a tramp and just that from the start...but somehow i knew it was all kind of a facade...in fact i found her kind of nerdy (always).

she just tried to look like that for whatever reason.

the following day, monday i saw her online. she had told me she didn't have internet access back in chile, so i asked what was going on and she said she had stayed for a couple more weeks in order to get some medical exams done. her whole family lives here, by the way, back in chile she just lived with her grandma.

she invited me to her house to see a movie on wednesday. on thursday we did the same. on friday we did the same...it was obviously not about the movies, but about being together.

we started spending every single day together because she was going away in two weeks, supposedly.

but then her trip delayed again, can't remember the reason and then again and...we went to a lot of places and fell in love during those days, it was hard but i got her to lay down her punkrocker attitude, she would always try to act tough but i knew she was even softer than me. there were a couple fights because she's very very conflictive but i guessed it was alright because she was going away soon and this was just a romance...i wanted her to be my girlfriend though and i even told her that once. she said she had a boyfriend back in chile but things were really bad with him. i feel stupid writting all this because i'm just realizing all red flags were there from the start.

in fact, in time she told me she'd been unfaithful to all her other boyfriends. i guess the reason why she didnt cheat on me was because we spent everyday together...when we became a coupe i mean.

because she stayed and said she didnt want to be my girlfriend cos she don't believe in 'labels' and then two weeks later SHE asked me to be her boyfriend and said she was gonna stay for the rest of the year.

man, it was a looong year with a lot of great moments and horrible fights as well. this girl really had some issues, like childhood traumas and stuff.

i spent like 8 months trying to convince her to go to therapy but she never wanted to...until one day i broke up with her.

it was our 8 month anniversary and we had a silly argument, i walked and she came out of the house crying. i thought that was too much and it was not even the first time she cried to me...so i broke up with her and told her to get some help.

she called me like a million times during the first of the two weeks we spent apart. i guess she really felt lost since she had broken up with me like a thousand times by then but i had never broken up with her.

and then we met in a concert two weeks later....and a friend of ours was really drunk so we took her home. after we left our friend we started walking toward her house (cos neither of us had a car) but then we stopped and sat on a bench and i was a bit drunk too so i told her how much i missed her, she said the same and ta-dah we were back together.

this time was different. we went back the same day spring begun and...perhaps that's why i'm aching so much still.

she started going to therapy after i broke up with her and she seemed to be doing real fine with that, despite it was very hard for her. her relationship with her mom and her stepfather and even her brother improved a lot.

by the way, it was her mom who convinced her to go to therapy after i went up to talk to her (secretly, of course) one night.

i do not know if she knows about that and i don't think so, really, it was supposed to be a secret between her mom and i.

so...it was wonderful and it lasted...mmmm...one month!

i was really, really, really tired by then because of all of the fighting and stuff. this girl even hit me a couple times, real serious fights, you know? her head was so messed up and those hits didnt really hurt physically...you know what i mean. still i could see such a sweet and scared person inside...i had to try harder.

i gave my life away, i know.

i didnt even get a steady job the whole year in order to spend more time with her, i got by just working freelance now and then and it was ok but it was not ok at the same time.

i thought we would never fight again but we did and then i started losing control and really disliking her, i guess. and during december...almost a year after the whole thing had started...i dont know how bad she actually behaved but my reactions were bad 90% of the time. i mistreated her a lot and broke up with her about three times a week around christmas.

this still hurts. by the way i never hit her or anything like that but i did yell at her a couple times like 'leave me alone!'.

but she wouldnt go away, we agreed on some kind of truce during the last week she spent here (before going back to chile, finally) and it was good but didnt feel quite right to me because i needed some time on my own.

i explained this to her many times in many ways but still we kept talking on the phone and she would always ask me if i loved her, etc. i kept saying yes. we were still a couple, apparently but my mind was somewhere else. i guess i was trying to get to know who i was.

and there was fighting through the telephone as well and i couldnt stand it at all so i had to tell her i didnt love her anymore. it was a lie but it was necesary. she cried a lot and we lost contact for some time.

this whole year has been really sad to me.

right after she went away i got this job offer and i took it and my life changed in many ways; i was used to work in studios with two or three people but this was an office with a whole staff. took me some time to get used to cos i'm a bit of an antisocial guy, haha but i did.

and the waiting...paid off in songs and texts i wrote. all of them have been posted in some blog she's never seen.

i needed silence for two reasons: 1-getting to know who i was and what i really wanted...got to the conclusion i wasnt tired of her but of the relationship instead so i started waiting for her to come back (she was coming for her birthday on july) and 2-getting to know if she really understood what i wanted, cos i asked her explicitly when i broke up with her to try and think about the things she always did, fighting and not respecting me, etc. so everything was set for me to wait.

and i felt free, but didnt really went to sleep with any other girl, i didnt become an alcoholic...nothing negative. i felt good because of my love and i thought she would come back and love me too.

i thought she was actually changing because she called me after a couple months after the breakup saying she still loved me and then we agreed on being friends and she always made comments about her wanting to be alone for a while after she told me she'd been going out with some guy recently. i stop contacting her and blocked her from my list one day she sort of implied she wanted to have sex with that guy...i really thought that was shocking and unbelievable, i thought she was just trying to know my reaction.

so we didnt talk a lot after that, two months later she was supposed to come home anyway. i didnt know what to think.

she came and didnt even phone me when she got here, when i finally saw her she asked why i had blocked her, etc...so i explained her i felt hurt because of that thing she said about wanting to have sex with that guy...and i kept the explanation going, told her that i had been waiting for her, told her why i'd broken up with her, told her it was a lie and i had always loved her, told her i wanted to try something new with her, etc.

i think i told her all these things just because i needed to...but really, had she said yes, i wouldnt have known what to do because she didnt really seem better than yesterday. she actually seemed worse and talked about things she didnt understand like nihilism and hedonism...her beautiful black long hair, she cut it horribly...i really, really felt her cold and lost.

but she's an actress, i forgot to mention...

thing is, she might have wanted to show me a horrible person that day, i didnt see her again because she said she just wanted to be friends with me, that she knew she could fall in love with me again but she also knew she wouldnt go back to "the horrible relationship we had"...guess she didnt feel that much of a change in herself or was not willing to give in...i dont know. it's sad and horrible and it's all said and done and today she went away. and she's left a boyfriend in here, i think she actually came to meet him in person since they had known each other for 8 years already but only though messenger, can you believe that?

i mean right after i blocked for the last time she got her self a cyberboyfriend, one she'd known for 8 years, no less.

she said to me that day that she didnt want anything with anyone but then she told everybody she was in love with that guy two weeks later. she definitely came to see him and not me, they went out the first night and kissed and hugged and god knows what else (this i know because of a mutual friend).

so i should have no problems, right?

still...i feel so sad and can't stop saving up things for her, as if she's ever coming back. in a way i know it's very likely that she comes back...in time.

isn't that what she always did when we were together?

but i know i shouldnt even wait for that, she hurt me A LOT this time. and i asked her not to call me or contact me in anyway and she's complied, really...i've been doing my part not contacting either but today...this whole week i almost died because i wanted her to come and see me. to come and apologize or whatever...even when it wouldnt really change a thing cos people dont change in one month.

i think i'd marry her if she ever came back acting maturely because i can still see that sweet person underneath all that facade, her horrible haircut and her new philosophy...with me...she was just a girl with me...it's funny cos she once told me she'd had a hippie phase, a raver phase, a surfer phase, a punkrocker phase...with me she didnt have to be anything but herself, let her hair long and didnt use makeup and i loved her that way. particularly when she started changing, even if it was just for one month, guess she gave up cos it was too hard, all those traumas...she did take a step forward, though.

i guess she decided to erase that step and my whole memory after we broke up, like clementine form the movie i mentioned.

and it's sad but it's clear, right? femme fatale?

this girl i love so much doesn't seem to love me back despite i know she knows i'm all she ever wished for....that nice guy.

and so waiting for her is really pointless because she might never change and she's hurt me so much i shouldn't even talk about her.

still i cry and miss her everyday, don't know what's wrong with me!

this feels like an obsession, please, please, please help me, guys!

[sultry33]

hi op is this your 1st love?

 

if so yeah i can relate and say that sometimes the drama adds to the attraction.. even if is bad drama

 

my 1st love was like this rs.. we both fought physically mentally and cried together too but could not seem to be apart.. we had the love story meeting.. against all odds kind of thing

 

we had a rs for 3yrs and despite me telling him to go and having a daughter together he would leave an come back after month or 3 months we would try again but then we fought i tell him to go again, went on for a year like that then finally he did not come back.

 

i was a wreck.. i had therapy as i was having multiple panic attacks an could not leave the house.

 

i missed him so much, in therapy my counsellor said i unconditionally loved him.. despite it being very bad rs i was addicted to the love i had for him..

 

my 1st love asked me to marry him and i fell off the bed laughing.. our rs was crazy both of us was seeking acceptance from the other .. we didnt believe the other

was faithful or commited it was a love war..

my counseller helped me realise this.

 

after a year i started dating on advice from therapy.. i met someone and told him all about it, we was together 7 yrs or so but he knew i still loved my ex.. we was just friends.. sad but true

 

eventually we broke up because i wanted love..

 

4 yrs ago i found real love , rs over now , but still talking so who knows..

 

now i have seen my 1st love and the love is not there..

on my part its gone..

 

today he asked me to marry him said it in a joking way on the phone

 

again i said no... hell no! actually, but he did not laugh back?

 

 

please dont waste your life waiting... it took me yrs to get over mine

[mr.brightside]

hi, sultry, thank you so much for sharing this with me...i know waiting wouldnt lead me anywhere really, i don't need her 'in love with me', i need her to love me and that is just not happening, i seriously doubt it ever did.

so basically what i'm trying to do is FORGETTING about this image i have of her, might be who she really is deep down but it's her actions that count and she really tear me apart this time.

pity, pity, there might be some other girl with all them qualities around but i don't really want to start looking cos i might go crazy.

my question is: how did you finally get over this first love of yours?

i mean, to the point where now he's talking about marriage and it really sounds like a joke to you. did you do anything apart from dating these two people you mentioned?

mmm i'd had one short relationship some time ago but it was not really meaningful since it lasted just a couple of months, i really thought this girl was the love of my life, yes, my only love or whatever.

i want to change that perspectvive but don't really know how to do it.

thanks so much again, didnt think anyone would read such a huge post, i happen to be a writer haha. although i seldom write in english. anyway, keep posting if you have the time, i'll be glad to read

[sultry33]

hi your welcome:)

normally i couldnt read a long post but yours drew me in..

 

what did i do.. i didnt chase my 1st love steve,as i thought he would come back. plus i didnt know where he was:confused:

but when the 7 yr relationship ended i looked on friends reunited etc left message.. then lost internet access for few yrs..

he told me he also left messages on there.. came back to my address but id moved!

inbetween yea i had few rs lasting from couple months to 2 yrs, but i was really really bad to them.. couldnt stay faithful an would end things over nothing.. an not look back.. had a f buddy:lmao:

i was really living a players life.. but i didnt want to get close to anyone or let them hurt me..

so i hurt them 1st..

 

i also had 3 children with my ex sean, of 7yrs who was just a friend with benefits really.. so 4 children.. no man.

 

i didnt live with anyone except my ex sean, who i was just friend with.. so kids never knew .

 

i had a very very bad stalker type rs with a guy that i ended after 6 months an i moved 200 miles to start again plus other reasons..

 

Then i met who i believe to be my real true love..kriss, we was together 4 yrs almost an he left me.. trully broke my heart..

 

i have always gone nc or limited contact.. but normally i have been the one to end things..

 

im 37 and until my last ex kriss,i never wanted to get married.. never trusted anyone to not hurt me an letting someone into my heart just didnt happen..

i feel like i should have stayed this way as it ultimatley ended anyway..

i will find it easy to be like that as for me it worked, just he opened me up to believing i could be loved could be in love an receive it back...

 

felt so good too, and i believed we would always be together..

 

i still feel really sad about it but to me its life..

 

i cant say how i got over my 1st love as really my life was filled with lots of life experience good an bad so the yrs kinda flew by but in my heart mind he was always there..

it was only when i met my recent ex that he was out of my heart.. and he really was but i needed to be certain

i ended up trackin him down as our daughter found out he was her dad an wanted to see him.. i went behind my ex back to meet him.. why?

to see if it was over i guess.. i dont really know but i know i felt nothing for him..

it did put nail in coffin for my ex though.. it was a major mistake i made.

 

dont keep the attraction of drama it feels so much better to be in real love.. even though it hurts like hell when its over..

 

guess im saying that 1st love memory will last many years but true love i dont think you can forget.. i dont know:confused: