ahsumgurl909 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 This is going to be kind of long I'm Sorry. Okay when my daughters were 3 years old and 8 months old I was evicted from my home because their dad had not been paying the rent when I thought he was. And after six months of nonpayment while I was out paying the electric bill they locked me out of my home with that red thing posted. I called my Mother to ask her to take my girls while I figured out what I was going to do. I was living in abandoned cars and houses this was back in like 1989. The longer I was homeless the farther I fell into worthlessness and hopelessness. I went to welfare and told them my situation and all they did was transfer my checks to my mother and at that time they were not doing much for folks. I called my girls everyday but everyday my Mom or Sister would say some excuse like "they are in the tub, at the park, sleeping, or not there. For a whole month this went on and I was a good distance from where my Mom lived. and didn't have a car so I couldn't just drive there. well after a month or so I simply called the police and told them my situation. And an officer came and took me to my Mom's house and I was actually scared to even knock. I didn't understand why they were acting so callous towards me about seeing my girls. The cop knocked on the door and ordered them to bring me my girls and they started freaking out about me taking them to the park for an hour and it was across the street. The cop told them he was sorry I had to even bring them back to them. While at the park my 3 year old comes up to me and holds my face so she can look into my eyes and she said Mommy I don't want to stay here I want to go with you. And I tried to explain to her that I had nowhere for us to go. But she didn't care she just wanted her Mom. Well the cop was ready to take me back and I walked my girls to the door. And my 3 year old was screaming for me with her arms stretched out as I had to turn and leave. I thought I was going to die my heart was so broken the cop basically carried me to his car and then drove me to the mental heath hospital he was worried about me. I so wanted to get my **** together and get my girls back but I didn't I started using meth because some other homeless person seen me in an alley crying and gave me some and after that I felt so much better. But it has destroyed a great portion of my life. I feel so guilty because when i was high I could just pretend they were much better off there with my mom and sister. I kept trying to call and they gave me the same excuses. I never seen my girls again until my oldest turned 18. She called me and it was the happiest day of my life. We are like cloned or something. This is the problem. I love my children with every inch of my soul and I am actually living with them. My oldest girl wants to be around me all the time and I love having her around but I mostly stay in my room. She just came up to my room and sat next to me and says. Your so beautiful Mommy. And she is just staring at me and she starts crying. and telling me how all her life she just wanted her Mom and now I am here and she doesnt even know it because we don't spend much time together. OMG it tore my heart out here she is 22 years old and she just wants her Mom to act like she matters. I had no clue I was making her feel that way. Im still crying. Because I dont know how to explain this but when I was away from my kids I numbed myself for many years and turned off my motherly instincts and tried to survive those 15 years I wasnt numb all the time and when i wasnt I was in broken hearted tears. Not just for my girls but because of the fact that my own Mother and sister were keeping me from seeing them. I was wondering if anyone else has lost their kids for a long period of time what you did during that time with the pain. And if you were reunited with your kids did it feel different like I dont know like its just like a feeling that I cant explain. And I dont understand it and its keeping me from bonding with my daughter. Any suggestion on what to do or how to find out about his way I feel?
Ronni_W Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 did it feel different like I dont know like its just like a feeling that I cant explain. And I dont understand it and its keeping me from bonding with my daughter. (((hugs))) Ahsum, You have lived through some very dark years, and finally seem to be coming to the end of that tunnel. And, yeah, those last steps into the (sun)light can be very daunting. But you can do it. I think you want to do it, too...it sounds as if you do want to reconnect with your oldest daughter (and I'm guessing the youngest, too.) But at the same time, there are many unknowns that perhaps are keeping you in a place of fear. And perhaps you also feel like there's a whole lot that needs to be forgiven but that can't. Nothing was so awful that it can't be forgiven. At least, nothing that I saw in your post. It isn't easy to overcome fears and find self-forgiveness. But you have (at least) two excellent reasons to take the steps to do that. A third one might be that you deserve a loving and happy life, yes? Even though it may not feel like it right now, you do have the power to create that for yourself. Feel free to 'private message' me if you want to talk some more. Wishing you Courage, Strength and Guidance. Ronni
Art_Critic Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Tons of ***hugz*** ahsumgurl... I really don't know what to say other than you sobering up was a huge accomplishment for you and you should be soooooo proud, Try and remember though that even though we no longer use it can take years for us to repair the damage that we create in our wake of addiction... The people we have hurt have to learn thru our actions and time that we have put it down and are done hurting them with addiction.. More **hugz**
norajane Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 It sounds like you could all use some family counseling to help you heal the hurts and learn how to start fresh together. If you can afford it, it would probably be worth it to get some help. Good luck to you and your family.
Trialbyfire Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I have nothing to offer beyond my sympathy ((hugs)) and a suggestion from the position of no knowledge. Part of the bonding process is spending time to get to know or in your situation reknow someone. Give yourself time to feel and love again. There might be some part of you holding back, wondering if once again, something might happen to tear you apart. In spending so much time walled off from feeling for her, it takes time to tear down that wall.
Author ahsumgurl909 Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 That is basically what I wanted to know. Was it a natural defense thing that made me build this wall unknowingly. Because I am shocked at the way I have totally shunned my daughters feeling for my own. I have been very selfish. It took her coming up to my room and very innocently telling me how she truly felt. I am so upset with myself. In the time she has spoken to me and to this point. When ever she comes into the room I no longer continue to stare at the computer as she speaks I turn away from it and listen to her and give her my undivided attention. Tonight we went for a walk to the store and got some dinner. And ate together in her room. It was very pleasant. Thanks again for your input all of your opinions mean a lot to me.
Ariadne Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Yeah, Give it some time. You obviously love your daughter and she communicates openly with you. You two just need to adjust. And sorry about all that happened. Sounds terrible.
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