Toasted Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Ok, just interested in your thoughts on rebound dating/relationships/disasters. I, for one - probably should be walking around with a warning label "Beware - Rebound Girl" But i think its interesting - What do you define as a rebound? Is there any 'good' in rebounding? What if you know your rebounding and the people your dating know it too? Does it have to be a 'relationship', what about some old fashioned FWB? Any for sure timelines? 6mo, 1 yr - or is more your state of mind? I think most realize that rebounds won't last - but do they always end in disaster? Can any good come out of a rebound? Would you date someone if they were upfront and you knew they were on the rebound? Whatcha think?
nowhereman82 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Honestly your first person is technically a rebound. And you won't know if its a good or bad one. Your chances of your very first date after a break up turning into a LTR are fairly slim.... So I say don't worry about it. Have fun, keep your boundaries, and as soon as its not fun anymore let them go. You won't know if you are capable of dating until you try. Tons of posts on here about people going on their first date after a break up and them feeling horrible afterwards.
jadedone Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 All relationships end, what's the difference?
JoeNewbie Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Honestly, I'd love to see some scientific evidence of the "rebound" thing. First of all, most relationships fail. That's just the way it is. Everytime a relationship fails, people try to rationalize and blame it on the rebound or something else. I think two people who get along will end up in a LTR, rebound or not. And two people who aren't meant to be will break up, rebound or not.
Balthazar Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I think the "rebound guy/girl" does exist after a broken LTR. Time is needed to sort out emotions, especially for the one who got dumped. The "rebound guy/girl" may be an important part of the healing process, allowing the person to recover psychologically and bolstering his/her ego. The problem is that the "rebound guy/girl" may have been chosen for the wrong reasons or the dating may have started due to pressure by friends to "get out there" again. Nevertheless, I am not sure if the rebound relationship is doomed to fail. I have dated maybe 2-3 women on the rebound and they were all quite difficult to stand. Nothing good came out of those relationships. CHeers,
Lucky555 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 this is an interesting topic. If the person who is out of a LTR dates again after 3 years or so is this still considered a rebound? What defines a rebound girl/guy if they are intimate with them or not? Has there been relationships where the guy/girl has had a LTR with another after their first relationship due to the fact they don't sleep around?
carhill Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 If a person has reconciled the end of their previous M/R and centered themselves emotionally and spiritually to be their authentic self with a prospective partner, likelihood of a "rebound" is much lessened. Typically, though, being the emotional, often irrational creatures we are, getting to that point often involves the perhaps involuntary use and/or abuse of other humans. As each of us is different, IMO, there is no time or particular path. We each return to center in our own time and own way. My criteria would be, on a date or when having discourse, the lady is more interested in talking about her past R/M or how she feels based on it rather than being interested in me and my life. Also, where I sense she is judging me by rules enacted as a result of her past experiences; IOW, ascribing meanings to my behaviors based on some arbitrary and specific experiences in her past. The essence of "taking things the wrong way". Such actions would cause me to politely distance myself from the person. Great example, within myself, would be if I sensed a woman was purposely ignoring me. I've had many past painful experiences of this with my wife and would have to get to a place where I don't ascribe a purposeful and unsavory motive to perhaps an innocent and unrecognized behavior. I would have to get over my past and develop new vision and new understanding of what I was sensing and deal with it differently. Until then, I would likely be a bad risk, if only for that one factor. Such is the essence of "eggshells".
JoeNewbie Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 My criteria would be, on a date or when having discourse, the lady is more interested in talking about her past R/M or how she feels based on it rather than being interested in me and my life. Very good point - however smart women would cover up for this quite easily and would deliberately avoid talking about their past relationship.
Tomcat33 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 If the person who is out of a LTR dates again after 3 years or so is this still considered a rebound? That's a good point! To me rebound is jumping in to date someone immediately after breaking up with someone else while you are still hurting. Not the same as getting out of a relationhiop you know you wanted out of for a long time and you finally got out, in that instance you had some fair amount of time to work through your feelings. If you have taken some time to yourself after a break to recalibrate and reconnect with yourself I don't consider the first person you date after that a rebound because you would be more open to a new connection, both in mind and in soul. To me rebound has a negative connotation to it sort of like a person who is going through extreme pain using another person (unbeknownst to them) to numb that pain but with no intentions for anything more since they fully know they are not ready to be with anyone else. There are certain levels of openess that we have after a break up and each time is different, rebound is engaging another person with the pretext that you want to date them fully knowing you are not open to it.
Ronni_W Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Typically, though, being the emotional, often irrational creatures we are, getting to that point often involves the perhaps involuntary use and/or abuse of other humans. Carhill, oh wise one, thy speakest such a great and jaded Truth . Ain't it just like that? Even sadder, I think the majority of successive relationships are also like that. Perhaps we just keep hoping that our issues and triggers will somehow resolve themselves. Or, perhaps we don't even realize that it is our own unhealed crap that is perpetuating the cycle of unhappy experiences and disappointing relationships. Which of course, we very often STAY in a relationship that keeps repeating the same unhappy experience(s), too -- it's the exact same dynamic: we just don't get that WE, our own maladaptive attitudes and perspectives, are keeping it (the 'force' that is making us unhappy and discontent) in place. Instead, as carhill accurately put it, we "use and abuse" our partner, blaming them and carrying on in other emotionally under-developed ways . OTOH, my rebound is going strong after 10 years! And it was a real, genuine, honest-to-God rebound. So, from my own experience, I would recommend to just go with your own intuition and what feels really good and life-affirming at any given point in your life.
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