Did i have a right to feel insecure?

[jmmm]

I'm trying to gain some insight on things..you guys can see my current thread and that i wish my ex would come back and dont know if should get my belongings back to know its over for good

 

 

But i wanted to reveal some aspects that made me feel insecure which led to a cycle that i couldnt break and maybe made me controlling with him...He is a good person, well mannered with opening doors, paying etc etc

 

I feel differently about things that made me insecure now and feel as if i could "hold my own" in a relationship because i would just handle it differently with him or someone else

 

1. When first beginning dating him(3 years ago) I noticed when we went out with his friend and my b/f was driving..i would be sitting in the back seat as opposed to the front next to my b/f...it continued on even after 3 months..if we all went out together, he would actually open the back door for me as opposed to the passenger side door where i would be sitting next him..that spot was for friends i guess..it bothered me a tiny bit but i felt ok, its still early on maybe he just wants to show his friends are still his top priority...after about 8 months or a year of dating there was a road trip we were going to go on for a few days with his friend..and i actually chose to bring up that issue of sitting in the back seat..and he joked and said the front is only for drivers (i dont drive)..he was trying to avoid it i guess but it turned into an actual argument about me sitting in the front when he was driving..i wanted to be sitting next to him and felt it was disrespectful i would be in the back(i didnt mind it sometimes but it was as if i had to earn my way to the front)...my sister in law even said i would dump him now..she said she never heard of a man doing that with his girlfriend and she thought it was crazy i even had to bring this up to him..i decided not to go on the trip but i was placed in the front seat after that

 

But keep in mind...everytime i sat in the front seat and a friend was there or his brother...apart of me still felt he thought i belonged in the back..is was as if i had to force him to do it..maybe after a certain point he thought ok, yes she does belong in the front but it was almost as if the damage was done or something and even 2 years later i still felt that way

 

2. I noticed when driving with him he would constantly turn his head to look at girls..i felt it was disrespectful to do in front of me..to turn your head...he wasn't breaking his neck or anything but obviously i could notice it and it bothered me and it took me a long time to say something but i eventually did..i felt he should look with his eyes or just do it when he wasn't around me

 

3. On the weekend every sunday was like his day for his choirs and things of that nature..after a certain point in dating him i wanted to spend some time with him during the day..we never spent time during the day going to the beach or just spending a whole day at his place etc etc Our schedule seemed to be after work/at night...and in the beginning when i did start sleeping over which ran into that choir he jokingly would say wasted day...because he wasn't productive...to me--that was hurtful whether you were joking around or not..its obvious some part of him felt that way..and it made me think he was doing me a favor almost or spending a full day with me was something he had to do...as the relationship progressed it seemed he wanted me there more of the times, i would try to keep him company while did his thing or spent time with his family..but there were still times when i felt like he thought he could have been getting this and this done...which leads to insecurity...i felt guilty at times for being there or as if he was doing me a favor or doing it because he felt as a boyfriend he should spend some long days with me

 

4. i wanted him to say i love you more often..i didn't every night before we got off the phone was too much to ask..but i had to ask him for it..i needed to hear it more often

 

5. he hardly ever complimented me

 

6. my friends said he had alot of confidence and this indifference personality..that if he was in a relationship, thats fine..and if he wasn't thats fine too..ultimately his confident personality made me insecure as well

 

7. his friend was able to get him this job at a bar from time to time and i was with him for 2 and a half years at this point and he was ready to call his friend up and just agree without even discussing it with me...to me--i think thats a pretty big thing..a boyfriend agreeing to work at a bar whatever job it may be and he didn't even consider bringing it up with me first..my friends said i deserved more consideration than that and he ultimately still feels he doesn't need to answer to me about alot of things which isn't necessarily a good thing after over 2 years together

 

 

there were other factors as well that made me insecure..but keep in mind he also had good qualities as well which made me very torn of whether i was wrong for feeling this way.

[blackandblue]

His behavior would make anyone insecure - he sounds like a d**k. Move on.

[jmmm]

anyone else think i had some right to feel a little insecure?

 

i blame myself for him leaving..due to trust issues and maybe some insecurity issues, sometimes controlling like when he wanted to go out to bars etc once in awhile

 

8. He also forgot to introduce me at a wedding after more than a year of dating. We were waiting online to congratulate his cousin and when it came time for us he said it to the both of them and literally like 5-10 seconds passed and then i think he finally realised he forgot and he said "oh, this is my g/f so and so". I felt so mortified and embarassed and i told him 5 minutes later and he said you are right but i am not used to having to introduce anyone...more than a year goes by and you are STILL not used to introducing someone..that was his excuse

 

i can name a few other little things as well that i guess ate at me.

 

Maybe a lot of girls would have been able to let these things go and i dwelled on them too much or let them bother me too much than they should have, i dont know.

[cybersister]

feelings are feelings- they have nothing to do with rights.

And no-one can make you feel anything.

But this guy sure made it easy for any insecurity in you to magnify in your mind. Insensitive, selfish... I could go on.

work on your self esteem and that way you will attract someone worthy of you next time

[Trialbyfire]

It's your right to feel any way you want or do.

 

As for feeling insecure in general, he's showed you that you're not prioritized in his life. This will exacerbate/exasperate any insecurity within you and cause you to cling harder. This is human nature.

 

More than anything, I see an incompatibility of what a relationship means, to both of you. He does deserve a life outside of the relationship but then, so do you. Did you rely on him to be your sole close friend?

 

Perhaps it's time to put less into the relationship, expecting too much from him, but at the same time, realizing when you're being devalued. Maintain a reasonable social life outside the relationship so not all your eggs are in one basket.

[jmmm]

maybe i questioned it wrong..some of the actions he did and some words he said...would it be easy to feel insecure by him and like trialbyfire said show i wasn't really that prioritized in his life. ?

[Ingenue]

You've made a long list of things that your ex did that caused you to give pause or feel upset and some of those things could conceivably magnify any sense of insecurity that was already in you. But at the same time, based on your list, I see a difference in priorities between you and your ex.

 

jmmm, reread your post and ask why is it you need to feel a justification for reacting or feeling the way you did with your ex. As cybersister said, we are all entitled to feel the way we feel, but we are also entitled to choose how to react to those feelings. It is your choice to choose how you will now react to this break up. It is within your power to choose to learn from this experience, to honestly assess yourself and engage in some serious introspection.

 

I know that you want your ex back, but reread your post again and honestly think about the things you've written there. Think about what you want and what you deserve to want. Think about how you want to be treated in a relationship. In the end, don't worry whether there was cause for you to be insecure or what the cause of the break up was. The end result is the same, you are broken up and judging from your list, some of the things your ex did aren't so rosy. You need to start thinking about you and how you will react to your next relationship. Choose you and choose to learn from this relationship for your next one

[2hurt2liv]

From what you said it sounds like a few of the things my BF and yes it made me feel very insecure and jealous. Feelings I have never had before I tried to over look alot of the things like him looking at other women my BF is 52 and he would turn his head and look at 18 yr olds it about made sick. He would get phone calls from women who were freinds of his prior to our relationship and take those calls outside..What could he have to sya to them in private that he couldnt say in front of me it made no sence.

[jimmymat87]

In my opinion he hasnt really done anything that bad... maybe these things upset you but thats just the type of person he is.. If you don't like these things maybe it just shows that you are imcompatible and have different ideas of how a relationship shuld be... what were you and his previous relationships with other people like??.. Btw how old are you both??

[jmmm]

different people i know say these little things show alot but i still just blame myself.

[MWH]

You have every right to ANYTHING you feel! You don't need permission to feel anything at all.

 

No I don't think you're out of line in any way- he sounds like a realy jackass. You are better off without him- you reserve to be well-treated and respected. We ALL do.

 

I am guilty of #2 in my relationship- I ogled women early on. It was a bad habit. Once my ex brought it to my attention I hated myself for that and stopped immediately. I know it hurt her and I ceased doing that. Sheesh- how rude I was! I'm glad I corrected that shtcomgin within myself.

 

To this day, though, she still holds it against me. I guess that's her problem now, huh?

 

Anyhow...

 

I'm sorry you had to deal with such a thoughtless cad. Please don't be down on yourself- you truly deserved FAR better!

[jmmm]

thanks MWH,

 

did you read through the whole list? alot of those little things show alot don't they? my friends said he made you insecure by these things..and i could name a few others as well...but its hard because i blame myself..thinking i was wrong

[jmmm]

here is another incident

 

 

9. he embarrassed me a couple of times in front of his mom by things he said..and one time it was almost done on purpose...we got to his house where his mom was and i was feeling pretty out of it and i just wanted to go to a restaurant and just have dinner with him and not with his family that night..he said thats fine and he went to get a few things but then said she made all this food and noone else is home, she would be eating alone right away i said ok, thats fine then..no problem, lets go eat with her...

 

BUT seeing as though he had embarrassed me before by saying something in the past and made me feel like i didn't look so great...i told him---don't tell your mom i didn't want to eat with her because its not like that, i just wanted to eat with u tonight thats all...10 minutes later i am reading a book and he just says she doesn't want to eat here, she just did because she heard you would be eating alone.

 

i felt soooo angry/dumbfounded/sad..i really couldnt believe it..and the mother said oh i don't believe him don't worry...but i felt so angry..i felt like it made me look like crap...and afterwards i was getting teary eyed while watching tv with him in his house still saying how could you do that and he basically just said he didn't want to hear it etc etc. i think he thought i was being too sensitive about it or something, i have no idea

 

i honestly can't remember if i did anything to him a few days prior that would make him do that...but now i just blame myself..i am thinking...maybe i showed some jealousy a few days before or we had a fight recently or something and he still was mad..i honestly can't remember but i don't understand how he could say that to his mother when i told him not to do it because i felt like it would make me look bad or something...and he did it anyway..even if he was mad about something, he didn't have to do that which made me feel like i looked like sh*t.

 

there are few more things i can name but i still just think him leaving was my fault and maybe i should have done this or that etc

[DSM-IV Tom]

Do you feel this way about many aspects of life or is this insecurity secluded to primarily this relationship?

 

As in, do you feel this way often about many things or was it ONLY him?

 

 

If it was only him, then break up and stay away forever.

 

If it is in many aspects of life, then you may be suffering from a few different things. Could be Anxiety, could be Paranoid Personality Disorder. It could be a variety of things. I need more details about your life so I know if these things are pervasive or exclusive to this relationship.

 

Be as honest as possible. You will never help yourself by holding back the truth.

[MWH]

Please don't blame yourself. Yes I read your entire post. He was absolutely rude, selfish, and lets call it what it is: He mistreated and disrespected you. Iot pains me to know that you are carrying any form of guilt or blaming yourself. I wish I could *hug* that notion right out of you!

 

Please be kind to yourself- you've done nothing wrong. You are a caring and very thoughtful person and you should be treated as a person of VALUE.

 

Perhaps you might wish to speak to a professional regarding your struggle? There is no shame in reaching out for help right? sometimes posting and reading here just isn't enough. Think about that ok?

 

Try to do something nice for yourself today- you deserve it!

[jmmm]

hey MWH,

 

I tried to send you a private message but it wouldnt let me so I will write it here.

 

Thank you reading..really need the feeback...happy new year too...hope you take the time to read this and get back to me

 

these things bothered me alot such as sitting in the backseat as if that was my spot if a friend was coming with us..i went to my sister in law when this happened and she said she would leave now because its just the icing of how he will treat you later on..Another time we went out and his friend who is even older than he was(above 30) either looked like he was going to cut in front of me to get to the front seat or open the door for me, i don't know which it would have been but my ex boyfriend did speak up and say you are gonna have to get in the back. (but even though he spoke up, i just feel like apart of him even if it was a tiny part didnt like he had to tell his friend this..maybe the damage was done from when this first happened)

 

The friend actually gave him a little cr*p about it. he even said "thought friends before"(he was obviously trying to mess with him)...and he didn't finish the saying but obviously the saying is "friends before h*es"..my exboyfriend didn't say anything and i felt kind of dumbfounded that after 2 years or more of being with the guy, I still heard a friend older than 30 actually saying something like this, and it still made me think my b/f probably still felt a tiny bit that i should have been in the back. I also kind of thought my b/f should have stuck up for me a little and said take it easy or lay off but he didn't say anything..and when he got out of the car i said something like thats nice of him or something like that and my ex said he is just busting b*lls. Everytime i sat in the front seat and a friend was there or his brother.Apart of me still felt he thought i belonged in the back..is was as if i had to force him to do it..

Maybe after a certain point he thought ok, yes she does belong in the front but it was almost as if the damage was done or something and even 2 years later i still felt that way.

 

Another thing i should say is i took care of my appearance..i usually looked good or decent when i saw him except if i just woke up and i was lazy or just really tired etc..but usually i looked good even after two years i would make an effort..and one time i got in the car after he picked me up..and he mentioned at one point saying why are you dressed up to go to the apartment...i think this would have been fine if he complimented me even twice a week..but i rarely heard compliments from me..telling one of my friends this she said..that is so arrogant--its as if he pursposely doesnt want to compliment you in order for you not to think too much of yourself and she said why would a boyfriend say this if he never compliments you to begin with..she said didnt that make you feel uncomfortable? like what do you say to that? and i actually had to lie to my ex and said i wore this all day..it did make me think like..what do i do to impress him or get some approval? its like i was doing something wrong....

 

 

I actually think some things i could have let go, backed off a little but wouldnt these incidents make most people who really care about the other person feel like they are being shown they dont completely matter and i dont completely need you?

 

some things i noticed and i examined it and waited to see if it truly bothered me..like noticing him slightly turning his head to look at pretty much every girl that walked by while he was driving..it took months to say something and he told me he looks at everyone walking by, not just girls..to me, that is a huge excuse..if i looked at everybody walking by including hot guys im sure it might get to him even if he didn't say anything about it..i felt like it made me feel less to him...i even examined what he did one time...there was this blonde haired girl on the left side of the street and u couldnt see her face..but since the back looked good i guess we can assume so did the front...there were no cars in back of us and i saw him move his head to he can glance at the outside mirror to look at this girl...i thought that was really disrespectful and wasnt i being treated like an idiot--as if i would not notice this at all? i dont think i brought it up that night, but it made me feel bad most of the evening.

 

when i slept over on thursday and friday morning we were getting ready to leave ...most times i would actually wait to see if he would go near me..give me a hug, a morning kiss..most times it didn't happen..he would hold my hand usually in the car while driving but it was almost as if i had to wait for the affection to happen and i didn't want to initiate it always..i thought he could show it more as well...even after not seeing him for 3 days, i would arrive and i do remember waiting for him to take my hand most times while driving when i got in the car or give me a hug once we got back to his place..i had to tell him eventually it would be nice if you gave me a hug or something in the morning or when i first see you..

 

i can name a few more incidents of little things if you would be interested in reading it?

 

for some reason, i just feel like well maybe if i had done this or not reacted to this he wouldnt have left.

[jmmm]

hey MWH,

 

hope you get a chance to read it

[jmmm]

.....,,,,

[mm4184]

if all of this bothered you, you obviously weren't very happy or content in the relationship. so maybe it really is better that it's over. he sounds like an ******* to me! don't blame yourself, you should focus that energy on NOT wanting anything to do with someone who would treat you that way. towards the end of my relationship, my ex was not as affectionate anymore either. but i kept trying just because the more they push you away, the more you yearn for their acceptance. but if you really take a step back and look at yourself from an outsider's perspective, it's just not worth the trouble. we all know what we can contribute in a relationship, so why settle for something/someone that can't even meet you halfway? we need someone who WANTS us and shows it.. who loves and cherishes us the way we love and cherish them. so as hard as it is, because i know how you feel, we just have to learn to let it go and move on. there's a reason these break-ups happen. and if you're not a horrible person, which you really are not judging by your story, then you know that the reason is because there IS someone better and more worthy of you. know your worth. it's hard for me as well because i felt like i did everything i could, but he still didn't want to stay with me in the end. i asked myself what the hell was wrong with me.. but really, there's nothing wrong. he just wasn't the right guy as much as i wished he was.. so love yourself because in the end, you're really the only one that will be there for you.

[jmmm]

its just hard when i keep blaming myself thinking about the good qualities he had but alot of people say those good qualities don't make up for some of these things and its almost as if he didn't want you to feel too good about yourself, intentionally didnt compliment you and made you feel insecure.

[jmmm]

rough day today

[durotto]

1. He is not ready for the responsibility of a BF ..

 

Either he knows but doesn't care about it with you .. this means that he does not value you as a gf and even so less as a wife (if you do get married)

 

He does not know and is just stupid ..

 

2. Ok . guys will look at other girls . Nothing you can do about it .. unless you are gay and look at other guys .. but seriously you should be confident about yourself .. so what if he looks at other girls .. the fact that he does so and you being uncomfortable about it means that you are not confident about him and do not trust him and this means that you are not confident in keeping his attention fully focused on you . am I clear on this ? if you were sure he loved you .. you wouldn't give a damn who he looked at .. but because he never made you feel that way you always felt it was an issue ..

 

3. Some guys just don;t say I love you every day and girls should not want this .. I mean if I say I love you .. two days later I still will .. saying it does not mean anything .. doing things to make you feel loved are important but again it seems he missed out on that as well .

 

 

4 . Having gone through your writing I don't think that you are a great match for each other . He does not seem to love you but just seems like friends ..

I think that you are better out of it as he does not seem confident about you or you in love with him ..

 

Manners do not mean love .. loving and expressing love means it .

 

Ok . it seems that I have posted on an outdated topic ..

[jmmm]

hey

 

thanks for writing, i appreciate it...well what about the other things i listed which i think may have shown a lot more about him as well? although i still blame myself..actually feel pretty sad without him today..trying to get through it though

[jmmm]

i still cry here and there over what happened..still blaming myself although after sharing some details like the ones i posted here with close friends, they don't think he was as nice as he could have been

[jmmm]

.................