JennyW Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Hi, I am 28 years old this year and have been going out with my boyfriend for over 9 nine years. He is my first serious boyfriend and we have gone through a lot, eg. years of long distance, etc, and have stuck together. Recently, I have been questioning him about when we will be getting married and he has said that he's not ready and does not know if he will be ready in the near future or if ever. He says that he loves me and is committed and is happy with the way things are and wants to keep it the way it is. I am confused and don't know what to do. I really love him and want to be with him but at the same time, I want to get married in the next 3 years and start a family but he says he will not be ready so soon. He seems to be unsure about the whole thing and says there is the 'possibility' that he MIGHT be ready in about 5 years. I don't know if I should move on or if I should stay with him and risk him changing his mind later on. He insists that it's not me and that it's him. Do you think it's because we are each other's first love and he is unsure about me or is it truly his mental growth and he is unprepared for marriage? I am really confused and this has obviously been on my mind constantly. I do want to start a family eventually and am afraid that this relationship will not work out eventually. On the other hand, I do love this guy and want to be with him. Would desperately appreciate your advice! Jenny
Trialbyfire Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I think it's time to move on. A nine year relationship is long enough to know if someone wants to settle down. To waste more time with this guy when he's told you point blank that he's not going to be ready in 3 years, is self-defeating. Get out and find someone who's got the same goals in life, rather than trying to change someone who's not going to commit.
lovestruck818 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Op, I had the same exact problem with my ex. We were together 9 months as well. I had to dump him b/c I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere and I couldn't count on him changing his mind. Good luck to you.
amymarieca Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 You sound exactly like me about a year ago. I dated a guy for 8.5 years and waited forever for him to ask me to marry him. Whenever I would bring up the topic there was always some excuse- money, not being ready, living situation, etc. They were never really good excuses. I finally just got fed up and realized that he was never going to do it and I left. 8.5 years should be enough time to figure things out. If marriage is something that you want, then find someone who wants to do that with you. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. You are worth it!
norajane Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I agree - 9 years is plenty of time to know. Your 20's are a big decade of change, and if you're still together after 9 years and still happy, there's something good between you. At the same time, marriage and children aren't something he can see for himself now, in the near future, or maybe not ever. Or maybe not with you. He probably doesn't know, really, which it is. I think you have to let him go if marriage and children are important to you. A break up will be hard on both of you, but you can't bet that he'll ever change his mind.
Walk Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 There's not enough wrong with the relationship to push him away from it. Flip side, he's only ever been with you and wonders what it's like outside the relationship. Once he marries you, he'll never know, so he can't quite bring himself to seal that door off. He's comfortable with how things are. It's known, it's safe, it's comfortable. He's been with you almost his entire adult life. He's scared to leave that safety net, yet he realizes the relationship isn't what he wants "forever". Like your bf stated... this is nothing against you, or who you are as a gf/partner. Your bf has no real life experience to value you against (compare you with). He's scared to break up with you and strike out on his own, yet he won't agree to sign up for life with you. He's not going to make a decision on this either way. He's too scared of making a mistake. If marriage is important to you, which it sounds like it is, then you'll have to be the responsible for making change occur. If you two are locked in a stale mate, then the only way to break it is to change your life significantly enough to break the stale mate. In this case, a break up would alter both your lives significantly enough to force change to occur. Do something though. Even if you aren't 100% if it'll work. If you do nothing, you'll stay stuck where you are for another 9 years.
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