abitcrazy Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I have been seeing a MM for 9 months. In the beginning he told me his circumstances would change. I believed him. He has been married for 10 years and has 2 kids. They married very young. They sleep in seperate rooms and haven't had sex in 2 years (so he says). W's family lives overseas and she takes the kids every summer to visit and a few times throughout the year. He's always told me that I make him happy and all the other stuff I loved to hear. This past summer, he was unsure if his W would ever come back. Everything was up in the air. Until she agreed to return back home with the kids. This was a HUGE turning point! MM vowed to go to church, stop going out, be a better H and father. So, I though the right thing to do was to back off a little and so he could focus on mending his family. He still calls, not as often, but I have tried to contain the jealousy and anger. This entire time, I was under the impression that they hardly spoke, but were trying to get along for the sake of the kids. I was told they were merely roomates and when he came home from work, she'd go upstairs while he stayed downstairs. Yesterday, when we were on the phone, she called his other phone. (he has 2 phones for work and personal). He was surprisingly very kind to her and almost loving. I couldn't hear what W was saying, but I could tell from his responses that she was asking about his day and when he was coming home, and what his plans were. When they hung up, I couldn't help but to laugh, uncontrollably. What a stupid idiot I am! He says that it's easier to be nice to her than mean to her. And at least he wasn't hiding anything from me. Whatever!! I've come to the conclusion that things are not as bad as they seem at home. He has tried to make me feel sorry for his situation. The fact that he is in a loveless marriage, but can't leave because of the kids etc. blah, blah! I can't stand him for realing me into this. It's my fault too. This whole situation has given me so much anxiety. Please help!!
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Hi there & a warm welcome to Loveshack! Well it sounds like MM was telling you what he thought you wanted to hear to keep you hanging on to the hope that there was a future with him. Perhaps they *may* have been having marriage problems, his wife not returning from overseas for a while indicted that but it sounds like he is trying to make the M work now. This is apparent by hardly calling you these days, then when you were on the phone to him he picked up the other line & was nice as pie to his W! That must have made you feel really small. What a loser! Sorry you are hurting but it does sound like a dead end affair, have you thought about going NC? ((((HUGS))))
Author abitcrazy Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Thank you sooo much for responding. I think about NC all the time. I know this is a silly question, but how do you do it? Do you tell them that you are doing it, or why you're about to do it, or just do it? Although the phone calls have diminished, we talk for longer periods of time. So in the end, it's about the same as far as talk time goes.
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Thank you sooo much for responding. I think about NC all the time. I know this is a silly question, but how do you do it? Do you tell them that you are doing it, or why you're about to do it, or just do it? Although the phone calls have diminished, we talk for longer periods of time. So in the end, it's about the same as far as talk time goes. Well whatever you think is most appropriate - you could just tell him not to contact you again & give him no explanation (he does not need an explanation - he will know why, he knows he has treated you bad). Or you could just ignore his calls from now on? I know you say he contacts you less now although the calls are longer, but is the contact always on his terms? Do you always wait for him to call you or are there times when you feel comfortable calling him?
Author abitcrazy Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Yes, Always on HIS terms. I can email him if I really need to get in touch with him, but usually he doesn't respond right away. I don't call his cell because I think that's disrespectful to his W who has no idea about any of this. I do believe that she may have someone on the side because all signs point to that.
torranceshipman Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I really doubt the W has anyone on the side (but MM wants you to believe this is true), and I think the reason MM was being nice to her on the phone is because he loves her!!-and she is being nice to him because she loves him. I think they get on just fine, share a bed, share a life, and do NOT lead separate lives at home...and I think the reason he delays getting back to you is because you aren't a high priority to him. He's a jackass who is lying to you, to keep you around - but you know this, else you wouldnt be asking about NC! Good on you for making the break...it might be a good idea to tel him you've realised he's lying through his teeth and that you aren't interested anymore, so you are going NC for the forseeable future....walk away with your head held high! And if he tries to beg and plead to get you back...ignore him (or say 'not until you're divorced and single!'). Avoid the emotional conversations 'about us' that he might ask for too...he'd do that so he gets an excuse to see you, and he doesnt deserve your company! Good luck girl
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 That totally sucks that it is all on his terms! He thinks he has control of the situation - tell him its over & go NC. I think that would make you feel so much better. TAKE BACK CONTROL!!!
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 When they hung up, I couldn't help but to laugh, uncontrollably. What a stupid idiot I am! He says that it's easier to be nice to her than mean to her. And at least he wasn't hiding anything from me. Whatever!! I've come to the conclusion that things are not as bad as they seem at home. He has tried to make me feel sorry for his situation. The fact that he is in a loveless marriage, but can't leave because of the kids etc. blah, blah! I can't stand him for realing me into this. It's my fault too. This whole situation has given me so much anxiety. Please help!! You woke up and that's great. This guy DOES have sex with his wife and he IS sleeping in the same room as her. That's a big fat lie he's told ya. HE is telling you what you want to hear. OFCOURSE he isn't going to tell you that things are great between in him and his wife, or how good their sex life is - He is going to make it seem like things are alot worse than they are, to suit him and yeah, to make you feel sorry for him! You put him first, he puts you second or third..Depending on the day and how much time he has for you. but how do you do it? Do you tell them that you are doing it, or why you're about to do it, or just do it? You tell him that you're sick and tired of being the OW and that you're ending it. IF he becomes free in the future (divorced) THEN maybe you'd consider dating him, but until then it's best for YOU for the affair to end. Tell him you no longer want to be a part of his betrayal, helping him lie and deceive his wife and kids. YOU deserve better so try your best to keep busy, be with friends and family who do care about you, and delete/block his email address while you're at it too.
Author abitcrazy Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 From what he's told me, the last time they had sex about two years ago, it was so awkward for both of them that they didn't speak afterwards. Of course I believed it then. The realization that things are not always as BAD as he makes them seem is the part that stings the most. But my question is, if they are that great, why bother with me?
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 From what he's told me, the last time they had sex about two years ago, it was so awkward for both of them that they didn't speak afterwards. Of course I believed it then. The realization that things are not always as BAD as he makes them seem is the part that stings the most. But my question is, if they are that great, why bother with me? Hey may have wanted to just have his cake & eat it too - alot of MM who have an OW are just greedy. Of course every situation is different but in your case it looks like he wanted a side dish I'm sorry to say. I agree that you need to end this by going NC, and tell him you are not just going to be his OW & second best, tell him to show you his divorce papers if he wants to be with you.
aloneatnights Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 9 months is way long enough to get sucked into all his lies. it hurts and it will do so. how some women stick around for years is beyond me. i couldnt do it (as in i didnt have the strength) as for NC tell him you are finished and then cut all ties. if nothing else, it does give you back some control and closure. yes the 'come back when divorced' line is also a good one to use but dont sit around waiting, worrying and wondering. 2 months on form my NC, i feel so much better and less hurting good luck and best wishes
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