estranged79 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Short story- married 3 yrs- together 8- 1 baby 6mnths old, adore my DH- soulmate- been feeling down and Post natal depression recently- started to have more arguments and stress- bickering. I went away for 1 week on a course- and met OM that had exact same interests etc felt massive connection- felt special and wanted but nothing major happened- he did kiss me on last day and I kissed back-cuddled etc didn't sleep together... I didn't feel guilt when it happened but ofc do now- but I don't want to carry on with it- don't live close or anything and he's moving to America soon... so I don't want to tell DH in case it ruins his life and mine. What do you think? - I miss the OM and the butterflies in tummy and feeling young again- but am I just creating fantasy. Should I tell DH?
Darth Vader Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Short story- married- 1 baby, 6mnths, adore my DH- soulmate- been feeling down and Post natal depression recently- started to have more arguments and stress- bickering. I went away for 1 week on a course- and met OM that had exact same interests etc felt massive connection- nothing happened- but he kissed me on last day and I kissed back... I didn't feel guilt when it happened but ofc do now- but I don't want to carry on with it- don't live close or anything and he's moving to America soon... so I don't want to tell DH in case it ruins his life and mine. What do you think? - I miss the OM and the butterflies in tummy and feeling young again- but am I just creating fantasy. Should I tell DH? You are creating a fantasy which is apparently becoming addictive already. YES! Tell you husband about everything that happened, after all he does have a right to know, you would want to know if it was him who kissed another woman, wouldn't you? Then you two have to go to marriage counseling, to find out what's missing in the marriage. BTW, you're gonna have to go complete NC (No Contact) forever with this OM, otherwise your marriage will never work, and you'll end up Riding your OM sooner than you realize! Oh, They'll be those who will of course tell you not to tell, like those who do cheat on their spouses, but, in the end it will just hurt your husband. He'll be hurt from this, but, more so if he finds out on his own!
Bryanp Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 If the roles were reversed and your husband kissed and cuddled with another woman behind your back, wouldn't you expect your husband to be honest and truthful to you? You have disrespected him and your relationship by your actions. You continue to disrespect him by not respecting him enough to tell him the truth.
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 If the roles were reversed and your husband kissed and cuddled with another woman behind your back, ..and he had butterflies for her, felt a massive connection to her, would you want to know? Obviously you're unhappy within yourself. Maybe the adjustments of having a new baby is affecting you. PPD, not feeling sexy, and some guy paid attention to you, knowing that you aren't 'yourself' yet since less than 7 months ago you gave birth. Get to counselling, talk this out with a marriage counsellor and try to reconnect with your husband. Or, get a divorce, free your husband so he can heal and find a woman who won't cheat on him because she's feeling insecure about herself and needs attention. Sorry to sound harsh.
lkjh Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Its up to you but after reading your other post it seems that you are starting to act in similar ways to your mother or at least a few of the things you posted about her
soda Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Short story- married 3 yrs- together 8- 1 baby 6mnths old, adore my DH- soulmate- been feeling down and Post natal depression recently- started to have more arguments and stress- bickering. I went away for 1 week on a course- and met OM that had exact same interests etc felt massive connection- felt special and wanted but nothing major happened- he did kiss me on last day and I kissed back-cuddled etc didn't sleep together... I didn't feel guilt when it happened but ofc do now- but I don't want to carry on with it- don't live close or anything and he's moving to America soon... so I don't want to tell DH in case it ruins his life and mine. What do you think? - I miss the OM and the butterflies in tummy and feeling young again- but am I just creating fantasy. Should I tell DH? Actually, when you kissed the OM, you weren't really worried about ruining your H's life. You were lost in the fantasy. Tell your husband. That should put an abrupt end to the lala of what you're experiencing because he's going to be rightfully pissed. If your H decides that he wants to work on the marriage, ending your silly fantasy will be a key component to repairing the marriage. I don't mean to sound clinical, but it's much easier than what I want to say. You've described your DH as a great guy. Based on your description, I think that he deserves to be with someone who won't cheat on him. That isn't you right now. However, if you want to become that person, you need to be prepared to do some "heavy lifting." That means that you need to own your mistakes and stop analyzing the nuisances of your behavior. You cheated. You weren't forced to. Your explanation to why is not important, just the facts are. Be an adult. It may save your marriage. I'm not being pious. To be honest, I can't put myself in your shoes because I haven't walked your walk. However, I've been in your husband's shoes, though, and I've regretted years of my life for wasting time trusting someone that I shouldn't have. The cheaters at LS will call me bitter, but the truth is that marriage shouldn't be a game of "duck and hide." Your partner deserves more respect than that. If you're experiencing PPD, know that drugs can help.
Author estranged79 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 Hi everyone, thanks for your responses. I did tell him last night and talked it all through. The reason I was unsure was because I asked 3 close friends whether I should say or not- and all 3 of them said not to tell him because it was a one off and would never happen again, so why hurt him by telling him. I was much more on your side and felt that if I kept it from him I would just be betraying him more. So I was compelled to tell him in the end. I hate myself for what I've done and agree with all your comments. If you have the time- any constructive ideas of working on the relationship would be appreciated. I did suggest marriage counselling but he said there was no need and I shouldn't over dramatize it all... so I am trying just not sure what the best way would be (of course not doing that again!).
soda Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Hi everyone, thanks for your responses. I did tell him last night and talked it all through. The reason I was unsure was because I asked 3 close friends whether I should say or not- and all 3 of them said not to tell him because it was a one off and would never happen again, so why hurt him by telling him. I was much more on your side and felt that if I kept it from him I would just be betraying him more. So I was compelled to tell him in the end. I hate myself for what I've done and agree with all your comments. If you have the time- any constructive ideas of working on the relationship would be appreciated. I did suggest marriage counselling but he said there was no need and I shouldn't over dramatize it all... so I am trying just not sure what the best way would be (of course not doing that again!). You sound like you want your marriage to work. You took a big step by owning up to what you did. Please encourage your H to understand that MC is not an admission of weakness. Even the greatest of couples can benefit from a tune-up. I think that it's important that your H knows that you have a need to feel desired. Having you tell him that he's "the man" you want to be desired by will help motivate him start dating you again. Sometimes, it's just easier to have a third party to help facilitate that discussion. To be honest, I am REALLY glad that you told your husband the truth. I am having some struggles with my faith right now because I feel betrayed by unanswered prayers, but I WILL pray for you tonight because I am confident that you can benefit from it. Trust me on this. You will feel much better about yourself when your husband starts dating you again. You went all in by being honest to your partner. He WILL hurt when reality sets in. You need to go all in, too. You can start things out by dating your H again. MC will point him toward the need to date you, too.
Darth Vader Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Its up to you but after reading your other post it seems that you are starting to act in similar ways to your mother or at least a few of the things you posted about her Yes, go to IC (individual counseling) It's apparent that you have emotional and trust issues from your mother, I can't blame you for wanting to stay away from her! These issues could be opening doors of vunerability to temp you to cheat on your husband. But, make no mistake, it's not a reason to cheat!
Author estranged79 Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 We talked it through some more and def doesn't want MC- he says that these things are blown out of proportion these days and he wants to work on the marriage and not make it such a big thing- but we've both agreed that we need to look into the relationship together and make more time for each other as a couple. Reading back on a few comments I'd just like to clarify that I didn't purposefully go out and think one night "oh i'm going to cheat"- I was in a very secluded place- completely away from reality- no tv, no email, newpapers nothing- it was actually a spiritual retreat- I know the irony... but when it did happen it was as if I was in a completely different world, place and time- lifetime. I didn't do it for attention but because I felt special at the time - I wasn't me- can't explain it. It's no excuse I know but if you ask any of my friends- I'd be the last on their list to ever do something like this... Anyways- we're working on it and it will take time both for him and for me as Thanks for your replies and have taken them all on board.
imagine Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 You did good. Imagine how it would have turned out if you did not tell him, and he found out....
Owl Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 We talked it through some more and def doesn't want MC- he says that these things are blown out of proportion these days and he wants to work on the marriage and not make it such a big thing- but we've both agreed that we need to look into the relationship together and make more time for each other as a couple. Reading back on a few comments I'd just like to clarify that I didn't purposefully go out and think one night "oh i'm going to cheat"- I was in a very secluded place- completely away from reality- no tv, no email, newpapers nothing- it was actually a spiritual retreat- I know the irony... but when it did happen it was as if I was in a completely different world, place and time- lifetime. I didn't do it for attention but because I felt special at the time - I wasn't me- can't explain it. It's no excuse I know but if you ask any of my friends- I'd be the last on their list to ever do something like this... Anyways- we're working on it and it will take time both for him and for me as Thanks for your replies and have taken them all on board. I think he's minimizing this...and that's a HUGE risk to your marriage...for two reasons. First...if the two of you don't deal with this now, it will fester like a bad sore. I've seen any number of posters on this forum and others that DIDN'T address something along these lines...that played it off as nothing...and ended up splitting later, even years later...because of the unresolved issues. Second...you're not identifying what let you do what you did. You're not addressing the root cause of the problem...you're not focusing on fixing whatever may have been missing in your marriage that let you got from OM. You're not addressing the poor boundaries that you've demonstrated by allowing this to happen in the first place. Acting ilke its no big deal is going to set the stage for this to happen again in your marriage...we've seen this dynamic TONS of times on this site.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 We talked it through some more and def doesn't want MC- he says that these things are blown out of proportion these days and he wants to work on the marriage and not make it such a big thing- but we've both agreed that we need to look into the relationship together and make more time for each other as a couple. That isn't his real objection to MC. You need to dig a little deeper on this. Does he fear the expense? Embarrasement? Loss of time? Ect... Find out his objection and tackle that directly. Seriously, what you did was bad... and dangerous. Unless you have some serious unaddressed issues in the relationship, you should be in some kind of therapy, even if its individual.
Darth Vader Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Yes, I gotta agree, you do have to get to the root of the problem, because if you don't, you may be riding the OM, or someone else next time, and be back on here in 6 months to 5 years from now saying OMG! How could I have hurt my husband! Trust us, lady, we've seen it before!
Author estranged79 Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 That isn't his real objection to MC. You need to dig a little deeper on this. Does he fear the expense? Embarrasement? Loss of time? Ect... Find out his objection and tackle that directly. Seriously, what you did was bad... and dangerous. Unless you have some serious unaddressed issues in the relationship, you should be in some kind of therapy, even if its individual. You're right, I will tackle that and ask him direct... But I know we can't afford it- we have no money at all- we're surviving on a shoe string- with baby, bills, mortgage you name it- we don't have anything left over and nothing else to cut out- Financially things are just soo tight which doesn't help us at all.... I am afraid that the root causes won't be addressed but we have been talking about it and seeing how we can change... matters such as feeling wanted, needed, appreciated- but more than that as my H does do that - I suppose things like wanting me for me and not feeling like it's just going to lead to sex- so feeling like it's really me he wants and not just sex- and H has said that he wants my confidence back - that when we got together I was oozing in it and now my self esteem is so low and i'm depressed- he wants to see me happy. I want to see him happy too and see him not so stressed and worried about money... It's just so mixed up at the moment and I'm not sure how to best work on it- we're talking and trying to find ways to spend quality time together and how we can grow stronger from this. Any tips would be great. Last night we made a point to switch PCs off, and cuddle on the sofa watching a film together which we haven't done since the baby... I'm not saying i'm perfect and nor is he but from all your responses your making me feel like there's no point trying to make it work because from hindsight it never does... I really hope that's not the case. We want us to be "Us" again and not companionship- our main problem is that we have no social network- i have 2 friends and he has none- we don't go out and socialise in any groups apart from I go to my spiritual group once a week. We don't know how to make friends without spending money on joining clubs/groups- we don't drink or go clubbing- not our scene really- we're isolated and need to have some friends other than just the 2 of us... if that makes sense. Sorry i'm going on so long. I know I did wrong and there won't be a day that it won't play on my conscience and I feel physically sick at the thought, haven't eaten for 2 days. I just want a way to work it out- if I really thought there was no point in the relationship I would walk away but I think there is light there.
Author estranged79 Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 Did I really do the right thing in telling him? - I keep browsing the web for help to see how we can work it through- ( as MC is so expensive for us- nearly half my wage and i'm not working at the moment due to baby)... - and the more I look the more I'm reading other people's dilemma's on whether to tell or not to tell their H. And so many people say "Don't tell him- if you value your marriage and want it to work - don't tell him as it will never be the same again- value your H and his security and live with the guilt yourself..." Etc- all along those lines. 1 family member and my 2 close friends all said - don't tell him... My H said he respects me for telling him because he knows how hard it is... (he once told me he went to a strip club when I didn't want him to go... and he did- so he confessed the day after ... ) Not on the same line but knew it was hard to say. But to be honest i'm not sure I'd give the same advice back to people in my situation- I think i'd also say "Don't say"- to try and see the cause of the infidelity and work it through without breaking their heart... I don't know - still in 2 minds.
troubadour Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 estranged79.... the situation in which you are right now is not due to "tell or don't tell" thing, it is due to what you have done but not only you don't seem to be too concern about it but also you seem to keep a very romantic notion of what happened... different world, diferent time-life... you don't sound like someone who has too many regrets about it. I don't know about this "tell or don't tell" thing... but I can tell you one thing you are not going to progress spiritually in any group... you walk this path alone. I have been doing it for over two decades so I can tell you a few things about it. Spiritual groups are nothing else than discussion groups and things which happened to you are quite common. If you are ever going to have any kind of success in these things you can not afford to be dillusional... you have to think like a chess player... someone capable of independent and concentrated thinking. I hope I didn't sound too harsh.
soda Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 estranged79.... the situation in which you are right now is not due to "tell or don't tell" thing, it is due to what you have done but not only you don't seem to be too concern about it but also you seem to keep a very romantic notion of what happened... different world, diferent time-life... you don't sound like someone who has too many regrets about it. I don't know about this "tell or don't tell" thing... but I can tell you one thing you are not going to progress spiritually in any group... you walk this path alone. I have been doing it for over two decades so I can tell you a few things about it. Spiritual groups are nothing else than discussion groups and things which happened to you are quite common. If you are ever going to have any kind of success in these things you can not afford to be dillusional... you have to think like a chess player... someone capable of independent and concentrated thinking. I hope I didn't sound too harsh. Troubador -- have you read this thread? She said that she told her husband. She also said that she hasn't eaten in days. She also asked her H for MC. Your second paragraph makes zero sense.
Darth Vader Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I am afraid that the root causes won't be addressed but we have been talking about it and seeing how we can change... matters such as feeling wanted, needed, appreciated- but more than that as my H does do that - I suppose things like wanting me for me and not feeling like it's just going to lead to sex- so feeling like it's really me he wants and not just sex- and H has said that he wants my confidence back - that when we got together I was oozing in it and now my self esteem is so low and i'm depressed- he wants to see me happy. I want to see him happy too and see him not so stressed and worried about money... It's just so mixed up at the moment and I'm not sure how to best work on it- we're talking and trying to find ways to spend quality time together and how we can grow stronger from this. Any tips would be great. So you think your hubby only wants you for sex? I've heard of these thoughts before. Then again, how do you know he's only wanting sex? I've heard that sex is the only way a man can feel he is loved, as we all know, men and women think differently. So is this a perception, or reality? Now perhaps he may have taken you for granted a little, but, I'm sure you have too. I don't know if you attend a church, there are church marriage counseling, so I've heard.
Author estranged79 Posted September 4, 2008 Author Posted September 4, 2008 Hey all- Darth you made a good point, and I talked about this with my H last night- and it's as if we were both going round in circles- I was wanting the emotional connectedness more so then i'd be more willing for sex, and he was wanting more sex so he'd feel the more emotional connectedness after- I do believe men and women are different in that way... So we've come to realise we just need to be more thoughtful of each others needs and have times for each other without feeling pressurised in any way- not an easy task but if we're aware as we are now- we will be more open to it. We had another good long chat last night with no TV etc- and i'm feeling more positive today. He still doesn't feel we need MC as he doesn't want to involve a 3rd party for various reasons- pride, shame etc- which I can understand- he says he'll be far more open to me than a counsellor but said if I really want to go then he will but I don't want to force him there. We're definitely being open and honest with each other and it will take time ...
Darth Vader Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Hey all- Darth you made a good point, and I talked about this with my H last night- and it's as if we were both going round in circles- I was wanting the emotional connectedness more so then i'd be more willing for sex, and he was wanting more sex so he'd feel the more emotional connectedness after- I do believe men and women are different in that way... So we've come to realise we just need to be more thoughtful of each others needs and have times for each other without feeling pressurised in any way- not an easy task but if we're aware as we are now- we will be more open to it. We had another good long chat last night with no TV etc- and i'm feeling more positive today. He still doesn't feel we need MC as he doesn't want to involve a 3rd party for various reasons- pride, shame etc- which I can understand- he says he'll be far more open to me than a counsellor but said if I really want to go then he will but I don't want to force him there. We're definitely being open and honest with each other and it will take time ... I did? I mean I did!:lmao: Anyway, that's good to hear! I still think you need the MC, HINT! But, if you both agree that you don't, well who am I to argue........ Just remember about the problem that you and hubby just had, I mean next time could lead to se-, well you know! At least for now, that's another crisis diverted!
LakesideDream Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Shakes head sadly. Yet again infidelity was caused by an inept spouse who didn't meet their partners unvoiced needs... thus spreading the responsiblity for the infidelity equally. Well ain't that sweet.
Author estranged79 Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 I can see your view Lakeside Dream - but the only person at fault for the infidelity was me- not my H. Yes he has faults as I do but I can't blame the fact of me cheating on purely on his faults- that to me would be using excuses- he hasn't been unfaithful and yet I have just as many faults as he has... I was in the wrong and unfortunately what's done is done so we're just trying to work through it now.
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