Author Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Well it really doesn't. I was just thinking that maybe that's why he's moving kind of fast. He likes you and probably wants something serious and isn't into playing games. I really do think you should give him a chance. But be firm as to the pace you want this to move. And if he doesn't respect that, then forget it. I tend to think that he's looking for something serious too, and wants to just...see me when he feels like it, be affectionate as he feels like it, etc. He said he didn't know he had to play games with me, and I told him that I don't want him to "play games," but I that I'm not comfortable with that many dates that soon or that much affection so soon. By the end of the night, he did seem to understand and respect my feelings. So we'll see.
vonerik012 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 You're right that I do want some sort of immediate sign that something is worth pursuing...as to this guy. I even started another thread on the subject of butterflies as it relates to this guy, not others. Where other guys seem unconvinced, I remain unconvinced, and thus curious...and the dating continues. What I was curious about was whether it was worth it to continue pursuing something with this guy because he's demonstrably very keen on me, but I feel a fraction of what I felt for the last guy I dated at the same stage. Does that make sense? In other words, I've been asking the simple question: can attraction grow, or does it have to be there from the outset? And what exactly IS attraction? Chemistry? Butterflies? A longing to rip their clothes off? Simply finding them attractive? I'm so used to pursuing things with a guy I'm INTO-INTO that meeting someone who's got all of the qualities I'm looking for personality/compatibility wise BUT not in the ooh-la-la department kinda...disappoints me. Well you are very superficial, so what do you expect? For good, well balanced women, chemistry and traits is what matters. For superficial "gold digger" types the chemistry is secondary to what the man drives, his job, his height, his income, his degree, etc. Then you wonder why "I don't feel butterflies? Should I? how come?" You are a good example of the power the corporate media has over American women. You are seeking the "ideal male"that is being pushed on you by the corporate media, and you do not even feel attraction for him. Exactly, that guy viewed you as a "game player"
Author Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Well you are very superficial, so what do you expect? For good, well balanced women, chemistry and traits is what matters. For superficial "gold digger" types the chemistry is secondary to what the man drives, his job, his height, his income, his degree, etc. Then you wonder why "I don't feel butterflies? Should I? how come?" You are a good example of the power the corporate media has over American women. You are seeking the "ideal male"that is being pushed on you by the corporate media, and you do not even feel attraction for him. Exactly, that guy viewed you as a "game player" You know very little about my dating history. Almost all of the guys I've dated who I've had MAD chemistry with were missing many of those "superficial" qualities - mainly in the income/degree/job/car/AND looks departments. They just had something special that made me want to jump them. This guy has all but one of the superficial qualities, he's just not doing that ZA-ZA-ZOO thing for me.
likestolaugh Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 well, to be technical, all but 2 qualities (height and a bigger car) anyway, give him a chance. this girl I was seeing was someone I would never have picked out in a crowd, would have never asked out (she came after me).... she wasn't that pretty, had weight issues (not obese, but still), and a couple other things. It took me quite some time to get past them... and what brought me around to her was her personality. I was able to essentially drop the surface aspects and see her as beautiful because of everything else she brought to the table. There were NO initial butterflies on my side, btw. Lots later on that's what I'm suggesting *could* happen here... and it seems he already has way more going for him than what my girl had at the start. You just have to be willing to let it happen. Loosen your self-imposed collar.
vonerik012 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Think about this... What if the text dumper was initially very into you? Asking you to hang out almost every night, kissing you a lot, trying to have sex with you, making lans etc. Would you be repulsed?
Author Star Gazer Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 What happened with that girl, LTL?
likestolaugh Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 oh it's a bit of a long story... but we just weren't really at the right place at the right time. I believe neither one of use really was ready for a relationship. at another time, it could have worked perfectly. ...and that said, it still might in the future. anyway, I've seen what I described before happen to people I know... and now they're married and quite happy.
Author Star Gazer Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 Okay, so it wasn't because you LOST the attraction then?
likestolaugh Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 nope although as they say, time does change things. If we both decided the time was right, I'd pursue a relationship with her... but in the meantime I'm seeing what else is out there. That said, everyone is different. Who's to say that if we had stayed together I wouldn't of lost attraction? The only way to know for sure is to be with that person.
LionLover Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 but in the meantime I'm seeing what else is out there. This is something to pay attention to. It generally means a guy is not serious about you; he's keeping his eye out for something else & you're just a filler in the interim. That is helpful to know. Star, I would go on a few more dates with Dave & just see how it goes. If your still not feeling it after a few more dates, then as someone else quoted on here, shut it down.
likestolaugh Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 This is something to pay attention to. It generally means a guy is not serious about you; he's keeping his eye out for something else & you're just a filler in the interim. That is helpful to know. Star, I would go on a few more dates with Dave & just see how it goes. If your still not feeling it after a few more dates, then as someone else quoted on here, shut it down. whoa whoa whoa... hey LL you know my situation. We've discussed it at length... I'm not going to run around pining for this girl unless she decides that she's ready. If the time comes, then so much the better... but I'm not putting my life on hold based on "what if in the future sometime". Once I'm dating someone I'm COMPLETELY serious about that one person until it works or doesn't.
LionLover Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Once I'm dating someone I'm COMPLETELY serious about I would think for a person to date, they would actually have to go out on a date. He has said numerous times now, that he's keeping his options open to date other people. Fine. I can’t even get a return phone call, let alone a date. Sorry SG, didn't mean to hijack. Keep us posted on your developments with Dave.
norajane Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 What I was curious about was whether it was worth it to continue pursuing something with this guy because he's demonstrably very keen on me, but I feel a fraction of what I felt for the last guy I dated at the same stage. Does that make sense? Star, what is the harm in trying something different? Maybe date differently? You're used to dating guys that you are hot for, but leave you uncertain about how they feel about you. You already know exactly how that feels and how that turns out. Why don't you try dating a guy who's really into you? Try it. You might like it. Spend more time with him in non-date situations. Remember when you knew him in college? You probably ran into him at parties, group gatherings, on campus while you were walking to class or running errands. Poeple who fall for each other at work, often do so because they spend time together under all kinds of situations and get to know each other. So do that with him. When you get back from your trip and he wants to see you but you've got a lot of errands to run, invite him to come with you. Go grocery shopping with him, pick up some dry cleaning, have a late lunch at a fun bar and grill where they have tables outside. The guy you end up with has to fit into your life, Star. Try a different way of dating and see if that helps you find someone who fits better than the guys you've been dating.
Tomcat33 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Star I don't understand the problem here you are not attracted to this guy nothing in him is making you want to see him again so why see him again? Why are you trying to force love? It will happen when it is supposed to happen. I mean if you believe that love happens a certain why are you looking for something that defeats your natural instincts? How badly do you want to be in a relationship is really what I want to ask you, if you want it bad enough then it's time to recalibrate how you see love and just bite the bullet and endure a whole new attitude towards these men you don't feel any attraction towards. But if you feel patient enough to follow your instinct and do it the way that feels most natural to you then let this guy go and continue on your quest until you feel what you should again. When I have traveled, and dated foreign women, they felt I was cold. They wondered why I was not always kissing them, holding their hands, hugging them, expressing love instantly, writing them letters, etc. Chances are you are cold then. Every single one of the men I ended up in relationships with were very touchy feely, allways kissing and affectionate and doing romantic gestures and I live in North America. If a woman pointed that out it's you, not the rest of the women back in North America :laugh:
Author Star Gazer Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 Star, what is the harm in trying something different? Maybe date differently? You're used to dating guys that you are hot for, but leave you uncertain about how they feel about you. You already know exactly how that feels and how that turns out. Why don't you try dating a guy who's really into you? Try it. You might like it. Okay, okay. I'll try it.
Author Star Gazer Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 Star I don't understand the problem here you are not attracted to this guy nothing in him is making you want to see him again so why see him again? Why are you trying to force love? Funny, I don't see it that way at all. I was actually questioning whether I was running away from a good thing? Because that's what I have a tendency to do - run from the ones who do like me (and presumably would love me, if allowed).
likestolaugh Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Okay, okay. I'll try it. Huzza!! This is the response I've been waiting for!
Lishy Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Funny, I don't see it that way at all. I was actually questioning whether I was running away from a good thing? Because that's what I have a tendency to do - run from the ones who do like me (and presumably would love me, if allowed). Why make such a big deal out of it? If you are not feeling him then why bother trying? Surely you are not that desperate to be loved that you will stick with a guy who makes you recoil? Dating should be fun and not full of wondering and worrying and to be thinking about who will love you is just ... strange! There are bigger issues at play that need to be sorted before you can think of dating or in fact, multi dating!
Balthazar Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 What's worst is I feel like if Dave was the text-dumper, I'd be all in. I'd WANT to see him 3 out of 5 days, no problem. I'd force myself not to just to pace myself, but having him ask for back-to-back dates or be all touchy-feely would have made me swoooon. Also, with the TD, I was the one aiming for too much, too soon, too fast, and said he "wasn't ready for what I wanted yet." Ugh. To think that I did that to him, made him feel pressured and thus ruining things...ugh. Now that this otherwise awesome guy is doing it to me, I totally understand. I want what I can't have; and don't want what I can. So typical right? WTF is wrong with me?!? This is an excellent post Stargazer and one of the times a woman on LS has actually hit the nail right smack on the head, writing stuff useful for guys. In fact this post should be put in a textbook about female interest. It shows clearly that when a female is interested, almost nothing is too much. Guys, we really need to listen hard(myself included!) CHeers,
Balthazar Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Not to sound like a broken record, but her neurosis is not that odd. When I have traveled, and dated foreign women, they felt I was cold. They wondered why I was not always kissing them, holding their hands, hugging them, expressing love instantly, writing them letters, etc. They do not know that in the USA anything like this is a death sentence, and you are better off acting as though you have little or no interest. Often times the worse you treat them, the more interested they are. With foreign women it is a big turn off, and they demand to be treated in a special way. Being treated like dirt does not excite them, it repels them. This is so true! If you do not touch a women here in Greece, she automatically thinks you don't like her. Men here need to stress the kino at all times! In fact, I think kino is necessary as a way to express romantic interest during the first dates. That's what makes it a date-date and intentions become apparent, for better or worse. However, i think this guy should be given a chance. Your 70% attraction is not minuscule, and it may increase. And you do seem to like a lot of things about this guy! Make the effort, something beautiful may come out of it!
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