Author Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Are you flattered or attracted? I'm beginning to think I'm not attracted (meaning I'm longing to kiss them) to anyone who doesn't give me that 90+ level of butterflies.
Ariadne Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 How is she going to have butterflies for some total stranger? (Or a classmate she hasn't seen in 8 years) This guy came out of the blue and started touching her leg or whatever it is. No woman would have butterflies for that, it takes some other type of rapport for that to follow.
Trialbyfire Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I'm beginning to think I'm not attracted (meaning I'm longing to kiss them) to anyone who doesn't give me that 90+ level of butterflies.If you're not longing to be kissed by them, I would agree you're not attracted. A pleasant sensation is very different from kick-arse chemistry, where kissing is only the beginning.
jerbear Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 How is she going to have butterflies for some total stranger? (Or a classmate she hasn't seen in 8 years) This guy came out of the blue and started touching her leg or whatever it is. No woman would have butterflies for that, it takes some other type of rapport for that to follow. They used to be friends in college and hanged out. From the first post she mentioned he is just as attractive as in college. That rapport may have already been established. Also in 8 years, people do change and he is more touchy feely.
Jilly Bean Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Hi, Star. I don't see anything wrong with you YET. I see you struggle quite a bit with maintaining your own boundaries with men and therefore stay with them FAR longer than they need to be considered viable candidates. This happens even after you have identified what is concerning to you. You *know* that this man crossed your boundaries, and even when you brought this to his attention, he still continued to do so, and made excuses for his behavior. The RIGHT thing to do at this point is cut him loose - no second chances, no rationalizations - he is just dismissed. This is the critical juncture where most people would recognize the signs, and remove the guy. This is also the point where you tend to over-analyze, second guess your own actions, feelings and behavior, try to convince yourself that he's appropriate in other ways, and ultimately allow the guy to continue to perpetrate the behavior that doesn't jive with you. I truly think you need to learn to let the bad ones go a lot earlier than you do. While I think it's admirable that you are willing to work on relationships, you have to wait until you're IN one, and the guy shows true promise, before you start making compromises.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 If you're not longing to be kissed by them, I would agree you're not attracted. A pleasant sensation is very different from kick-arse chemistry, where kissing is only the beginning. I don't have that longing... BUT I feel like the only reason is because of his height. He's normal height, 5'9'', but not the 6'0'' I'm used to. I feel like we're the same height when I'm in heels, which just feels weird. They used to be friends in college and hanged out. From the first post she mentioned he is just as attractive as in college. That rapport may have already been established. Also in 8 years, people do change and he is more touchy feely. Exactly. We have an easy rapport, but he wasn't touchy feely back in the day - most likely because I was in a very serious relationship at the time, and he and I were just friends.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Hi, Star. I don't see anything wrong with you YET. I see you struggle quite a bit with maintaining your own boundaries with men and therefore stay with them FAR longer than they need to be considered viable candidates. This happens even after you have identified what is concerning to you. You *know* that this man crossed your boundaries, and even when you brought this to his attention, he still continued to do so, and made excuses for his behavior. The RIGHT thing to do at this point is cut him loose - no second chances, no rationalizations - he is just dismissed. This is the critical juncture where most people would recognize the signs, and remove the guy. This is also the point where you tend to over-analyze, second guess your own actions, feelings and behavior, try to convince yourself that he's appropriate in other ways, and ultimately allow the guy to continue to perpetrate the behavior that doesn't jive with you. I truly think you need to learn to let the bad ones go a lot earlier than you do. While I think it's admirable that you are willing to work on relationships, you have to wait until you're IN one, and the guy shows true promise, before you start making compromises. You're making him out to be a bad guy. Thing is, JB...he didn't cross my boundaries, per se. I almost made them up when talking to him about it, and while he did reach out to touch me again, I really believe that's almost a mannerism of his rather than an attempt to exert control or further push the envelope. Also, if it had been TD that was behaving this way, I would have welcomed it.
Lishy Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 JB ....... I couldnt agree with you more! Star, you know you wanted to know what that guy meant when he told you he was "not feeling it" well that is how you are feeling with him! And he did cross your boundaries, he was groping you and you showed him your distaste and then he continued to cross them! He seems far too forward for me, no wonder you are not feeling it for him! It would gross me out to me mauled and pawed and yanked around like that:sick:
Trialbyfire Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I don't have that longing... BUT I feel like the only reason is because of his height. He's normal height, 5'9'', but not the 6'0'' I'm used to. I feel like we're the same height when I'm in heels, which just feels weird. Does he make you feel feminine? Or is it that you prefer a more dominating male presence?
Author Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 And he did cross your boundaries, he was groping you and you showed him your distaste and then he continued to cross them! He seems far too forward for me, no wonder you are not feeling it for him! It would gross me out to me mauled and pawed and yanked around like that:sick: I'd hardly describe anything Dave did as groping, mauling, pawing, or yanking. Not at all. But I'm not surprised you'd be here putting down my experiences.
Jilly Bean Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 You're making him out to be a bad guy. Thing is, JB...he didn't cross my boundaries, per se. I almost made them up when talking to him about it, and while he did reach out to touch me again, I really believe that's almost a mannerism of his rather than an attempt to exert control or further push the envelope. Also, if it had been TD that was behaving this way, I would have welcomed it. This is what you said: He was even more touchy-feely this time around, more often. Kissing my cheek a few times, rubbing my shoulder, putting his hand on my leg, caressing my hand... I didn't reciprocate ANY of it, and instead almost ignored it. I kept thinking, "this would be so nice...like...after...at least 6 or 7 dates, maybe, but not now." But again, you're reverting to your old habit of making excuses for the guy. Why do that, Star? This isn't about him being a bad guy and I don't think I said a thing to intimate he was at all. It's about him behaving in ways that made you uncomfortable, you addressed it, and he dismissed your concerns. I never said anything about control or him pushing the envelope, it's simply about him crossing your boundaries, you bringing them up, and him continuing to ignore them. And it doesn't matter if you would have welcomed this treatment from someone else or not. This situation is singular to you and he, and how it went down. Just because you would welcome someone else's advances on an early date doesn't excuse the fact that this guys actions were unwelcomed.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Does he make you feel feminine? Or is it that you prefer a more dominating male presence? I feel feminine because he definitely treats me like a lady. But in general, yes, I do prefer a more dominating male presence - physically speaking. He's got a good body, dresses well, smells nice, he's handsome... but his car is physically little, and he's kinda short for me, which just makes me feel ... I don't know how to describe it.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 JB, while he did instinctively reach out to me after (like 2 seconds after) I told him I take PDA at a slower pace, he didn't touch me AT ALL after that. I don't think up until that point I was asserting my boundaries. Ignoring his efforts doesn't exactly send the signal to stop. And I'm not justifying his behavior, but I don't think it's appropriate to categorize it so negatively either. We're just different.
Touche Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I say give him a chance. You have nothing to lose. Butterflies that aren't felt after the second date don't necessarily mean anything. Sounds like you are mostly attracted.
Trialbyfire Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I feel feminine because he definitely treats me like a lady. But in general, yes, I do prefer a more dominating male presence - physically speaking. He's got a good body, dresses well, smells nice, he's handsome... but his car is physically little, and he's kinda short for me, which just makes me feel ... I don't know how to describe it. Straight up Star, I know how you feel about a more dominating male presence but for me, it's tied into feeling more feminine with someone who makes me feel tiny. The same presence must be in their attitude, as well. Not as superior to inferior but confidence and masculinity.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Straight up Star, I know how you feel about a more dominating male presence but for me, it's tied into feeling more feminine with someone who makes me feel tiny. The same presence must be in their attitude, as well. Not as superior to inferior but confidence and masculinity. That's what it is - I prefer to feel tiny. I'm 5'4'' and curvy, not exactly diminutive in stature but still relatively small. So if I feel like he's small too, I don't feel tiny in a special way, instead I feel like we're little people together. But he definitely has the confidence and masculinity.
Lishy Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 We had a great time - the date lasted 5 hours total. We were able to talk and talk and talk. I felt sooooo comfortable with him, with the exception of the touchy-feely stuff. At the end of the night he walked me back to my car and kissed me. I felt weird about this because I had just kissed another guy the night before, and that was on the second date. I usually don't kiss on the first "date," and having not even been sure at the beginning of the evening that it was even a "date" to begin with, the whole thing seemed ... rushed. But I figured I could set the pace so that things remained steady, not rushed. Didn't work. He was even more touchy-feely this time around, more often. Kissing my cheek a few times, rubbing my shoulder, putting his hand on my leg, caressing my hand... I didn't reciprocate ANY of it, and instead almost ignored it. I kept thinking, "this would be so nice...like...after...at least 6 or 7 dates, maybe, but not now." We get to the next place and I see a car outside that looks exactly like text-dumper's. I feel a little twinge of panic. He sees me make this recognition, and asks if I know the owner. I say, "Maybe," and I know that I looked a little freaked out. We get into the bar and he suggests we go sit in this tiny/cozy/nookie-lookin' booth in the corner. I'm trying to avoid PDA at this point, so I suggest the bar top. Within 1.5 minutes flat, he's aggressively pulling me towards him and trying to kiss my cheek. I instantly recoil. WTF is wrong with me?!? He didn't make me uncomfortable. It was the behavior that did. I felt almost claustrophobic, even when he wasn't physically present (when he asked me out the very next day). quote] Read the bolded print and tell me that it isn't pawing and mauling and yanking he's aggressively pulling me towards him and trying to kiss my cheek. I instantly recoil. Star, why are you even considering seeing this guy again and even writing pros and cons lists when he makes you feel so uncomfortable and is obviously not showing you the respect you deserve? Contrary to what you believe I am not trying to 'put down your experience' I am just giving you my opinion, after all this is a help forum
Trialbyfire Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 That's what it is - I prefer to feel tiny. I'm 5'4'' and curvy, not exactly diminutive in stature but still relatively small. So if I feel like he's small too, I don't feel tiny in a special way, instead I feel like we're little people together. But he definitely has the confidence and masculinity. Okay, I've had the latter trump the former, although not often and will admit that if a guy is shorter than I am, I would have serious difficulties with a guy who's smaller than 5'2.5". Have you ever had that happen?
vonerik012 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 He probably has issues with you as well, but just does not over analyze everything. Maybe his dream girl is 5 foot 5, 110 lbs with a big chest, who knows? So his car IS an issue? lol...As I said before, a man's car is important when dating the American female. Sounds like typical drama queen..
Author Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Okay, I've had the latter trump the former, although not often and will admit that if a guy is shorter than I am, I would have serious difficulties with a guy who's smaller than 5'2.5". Have you ever had that happen? No. I could never date someone who's actually my height (5'4''). I've dated one guy who's 5'6'' (I'm sure he's reading this) and then Dave who's 5'9'', but other than those two I've never even found someone under 5'10'' attractive. 6'0'' has always been it. Gorgeous face at 5'9'' will always be less attractive to me than an average guy who's 6'0''. He probably has issues with you as well, but just does not over analyze everything. Maybe his dream girl is 5 foot 5, 110 lbs with a big chest, who knows? In that case, I'm almost there. So his car IS an issue? lol...As I said before, a man's car is important when dating the American female. Only because it's physically little. It's a physically little car.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Contrary to what you believe I am not trying to 'put down your experience' I am just giving you my opinion, after all this is a help forum But I've told you over and over again that I respectfully do not want your opinion and will never listen to you, as your intentions are patently obvious, so transparent. You're honestly wasting your time.
vonerik012 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 Seriously, do you realize you are impossible to date? You only like men who seem to have little interest in you. So men who do show interest, you will pick apart. Men who do not care for you, you will be into. Maybe figure out how to solve that before you date further. I had an ex like that, who read tons of self help books, because she said it goes back to how you received love from your parents, and if that was in a strange way, it carries over into adult relationships.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 You only like men who seem to have little interest in you. So men who do show interest, you will pick apart. Men who do not care for you, you will be into. Maybe figure out how to solve that before you date further. That's why I'm here, DUH. I'm not posting to hear myself talk and seek validation, like some people.
vonerik012 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 You have such an UGLY attitude. What is with always saying "Duh" or "Dude"? I really think I could apply the "duh" to most of your threads and questions. Nobody on here can fix your problems, you have to do that yourself. DUH. lol
Author Star Gazer Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 You have such an UGLY attitude. What is with always saying "Duh" or "Dude"? I really think I could apply the "duh" to most of your threads and questions. Nobody on here can fix your problems, you have to do that yourself. DUH. lol I don't expect anyone here to "fix" me. But I'd appreciate ADVICE rather than name calling. What's the point of having a forum like this if not to seek advice and help from other people with similar experiences or valuable insight?
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