I think i am starting to be a bunny boiler

[amandaparker503]

Hi. I posted the other day , me and bloke have split. Since then a week ago , i have contacted him every day. I have met with him, i have emailed him and text him like some crazy girl.

 

The other day i wennt to his house and asked if i got my stuff sorted (I am seeing professional help for abuse and issues) on my own , would he give the relationship a chance in the future. He said no, he does not feel the same about me anymore and we will never ever get back together and i have to get that into my head and when he knows i get it 100% then he can be my friend.

I said ok and left.

I then sent a text asking him to bear with me, i am trying to get over it , just finding it hard and it was a difficult time for me at the moment.

 

No reply.

 

Next day i text him to say he is right i have a great future ahead of me, a wonderful child and i was young etc and ready to start again , wished him luck finding another me, and put joke after that comment, ha ha. I was being lighthearted.

No reply.

I saw him in the gym and he came up and said hi, didnt say much else, he looked sad , worn out. , then he said bye.

 

I text him the next day , saying look i fink it is best if i dont come to his kicboxing club anymore, as i am finding things very hard, and i dont want to see him twice a week etc etc.

No reply.

 

This guy has gone from being the man who loves me to bits and i know he does, to totally ignoring every text and email i send.

 

I just cant stop texting, if i am on my own , i think and i tell myself that he wants to hear from me and i go for it. What is wrong with me, i know i should be getting on with my life , but i am so sad and i miss him so much and i do not want to live my life without him in it.

 

I have done something really silly...i went to his parents house, i didnt even know their address, i knew the area, small town , found their house by asking. I poped a letter in their door , just asking them to contact me.

AM I TOTALLY NUTS!

I have done it now, i know this guy will never ever talk to me again , if he finds out.

I want to talk to his parents, as i know he loves me and i dont understand how he is as a person , why does he just block me out and shut down.

 

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR HELP ME I AM LOSING IT.

 

I feel like i am a freak , i love him so much and it is making me do things that i am totally embarrassed about.

[Trialbyfire]

amanda, you know these types of actions are driving him away and hurting your self-esteem, so why are you being self-destructive?

[Lishy]

I feel really sad for you Amanda and I am going to say something that you will not want to hear ..... You need to stop contacting him

 

He has made his mind up and it seems you will not listen to what he is saying

 

My ex did to me what you are doing to him and I did the same as him, ignored it! I ignored him for one reason and that was that I was not interested in him romantically anymore!

 

The more he rang and text the more I didnt want him back. I then started to hate him - So be careful as all you are achieving by stalking him and his family is a one way ticket to a restraining order! That is how it ended up with my ex!

[sandrawg]

There's a big difference between love and obsession, honey. You are OBSESSED.

 

When you truly love someone, you want the best for them, even if that means you're not in their life anymore.

 

When you're obsessed, you want to control them and get needy and desperate, just to keep them in your life, like a favorite toy. You are clinging to the car while it's already out of the driveway. I'd suggest talking to someone about this-a close friend or therapist.

 

Do whatever it takes to distract yourself--go out with friends, take a class, join a gym--distract, distract, distract!

[norajane]

It's time to get a grip and accept that your texting and contacts are not helping you heal, and are now bordering on stalking.

 

Delete his numbers from your phone, delete his email, delete all his contact information everywhere so it won't be so easy for you to just whip off a text. Go and DELETE everything right now.

 

The next time you get an urge to contact him, get up and do something else. Do some push-ups, clean your bathroom, run errands - anything except sitting there and thinking about him.

 

You can do this - you just have to START.

[Ronni_W]

You're NOT a freak. But you are on a self-destructive, esteem-sucking path, as others have said.

I think you are correct, though, that you must stop going to that kick boxing club. No matter how much you enjoy it there. Your long-term emotional health and well-being are much more important.

He said no, he does not feel the same about me anymore and we will never ever get back together ... the man who loves me to bits and i know he does, ... i know he loves me

Amanda, that last part is just your mind playing tricks on you. He does NOT love you anymore. He used to love you. It is in the past tense, for him and for you. He does NOT love you, and hearing from you is making him "sad, worn out." Whatever love he had, has been exhausted.

 

Regain control of your thoughts so that you can start to manage your actions. Just keep reminding yourself, "He does NOT love me anymore. We will NEVER EVER get back together." And then affirm, "I have a great future ahead of me...I am totally capable and competent...I deserve to be with someone who genuinely loves me...I have a great future ahead of me"

 

I am sorry. I know it's tough. But you need to do it for yourself, your sanity and peace of mind...and for your "wonderful child", too...no? (((hugs)))

[shadowplay]

Based on the two threads you've posted here, you seem to show some traits of Borderline Personality Disorder: the way you alternate between idealizing and devaluing your lover, your desperate attempts to avoid abandonment, your impulsive behavior, your inconsistent moods, your history of abuse. Obviously I can't diagnose you, but it might be worth looking into: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

 

Here are the DSM criteria (you'd need to qualify for 5 out of the 9 listed below):

 

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
   
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
   
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
   
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
   
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars, or picking at oneself.
   
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
   
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.
   
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
   
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
   

Do you fit a lot of these traits?

 

Are you seeing a therapist?

[Trialbyfire]

Pot, kettle, black, shadowplay!

 

amanda, you're the only person who can break an obsessive, self-destructive cycle. Have you had any exposure to Alcoholics Anonymous, which deals in addictions? One day at a time. Also, refer to the Serenity Prayer for external control issues and acceptance.

[shadowplay]

Pot, kettle, black, shadowplay!

 

 

Lol. I said she "seemed to have some traits f BPD" and it was "worth looking into," but "obviously I can't diagnose [her]." This is entirely different from what you did in one of my threads where you said you were offering your "layman's diagnosis" and seemed insistent that I had NPD even when I told you I didn't fit a lot of the criteria. Besides which BPD is easier to identify because its traits are more concrete and don't fall on at the extreme end of mostly normal continuum like NPD's do.

[amandaparker503]

Wow, i am being a totally weido.

 

I am out of control, my every thought of the day is about him. I have stopped living my life.

I am so scared now, i have asked his parents to contact me, what on earth do i say now. I dont even know them that well, i really dont want him to find out, he will never talk to me again.

I am really angry with myself right now.

 

I know what you are all saying. I have to stop. Live my life without him.

 

I am just so sad to lose the one person who loved me and tried to help me. I love him a lot and i am scared i will never meet someone like him again.

 

I will have to forget the contact then, i will start from tonight. I wont go to the club and will just start again.

 

I must sound really crazy , i am not, i just can not for some reason control my emotions with this guy.

 

Thanks for all your advice.

[Lishy]

Amanda, none of us think you are a weirdo

 

You did the right thing coming here for some advice

 

Delete all contact info you have for him and find another gym as you said

 

Dont even send him one more text just to tell him you wont text again!

[Ronni_W]

Can only speak for myself, but you didn't sound "crazy" to me...just going through a very rough patch. Glad to hear that is behind you, now!

I am so scared now, i have asked his parents to contact me, what on earth do i say now. ... i really dont want him to find out, he will never talk to me again.

I would start thinking in terms of "he is never going to speak to me again, whether or not he finds out" -- this type of thinking will also help you break your obsessive thought patterns.

 

Just tell his parent(s) thanks so much for calling back, but your original reason for calling no longer exists.

 

Good luck, Amanda. It's definitely going to be tough but sounds like you totally have the power and strength to really get this done, once and for all.

[amandaparker503]

Hi. Remember me. Verged on stalking.See previous post

Well he found out and came to my work place and said he has spoken to his ex wife , and she has a new boyfriend a police man and he has asked her to speak to him to see what can be done about me. He said that from today every contact has to stop.

He said he knows people and has lots of contacts. This really scared me and i cried , for my son really. He said ok sorry i didnt mean that , but what i am trying to do is make you see you have gone to far , and you have to stop.

 

Wow, i was so ashamed of my self , all i could do was say sorry. I was like this really pathetic girl. What could i say , i put a note through his parents door. Opps.

 

ANy way since then , i have been diagnosed with depression it has been going on for years and i have just been fighting it. I guess that explains my texting him a lot after the split and going to his parents.

 

I have to say i never ever abused anyone , i just spoke out of love when i text him, i was wanting a chance. I also didnt want to talk to his parents after i put the note though and no one can be as hard on myself as i am.

 

Any way i just want to say to every one, when you split, JUST DO NOT MAKE CONTACT. GIVE IT TIME. That is so hard to do, but i believe if i had handled it better , things might be different and not only that it got out of hand.

 

I truley believe he loved me , like no other , but i also know that through being unwell i have ruined it. I have told him i am unwell , but he does not wish to help or be part of my life anymore, told me to move on , he even said i should get a new boyfriend !

I am taking every day at a time, i cleared that air with him, said ok lets be mates, let me train at your club and that is it.

So far i have made no contact for 4 days, doesnt sound a lot , but it is for me. I have seen him twice and both times he pretned not to see me, and i did the same.

I know its over , its just re building my life that is the hard part.

I am truely sad,but i need to challenge my depression, face up to things in the past that have taken over my life, and through therapy i will get there and i cant wait to smile and shine again, as you know what i am what you could call a average girl , people like me, good looking, fun , have a wonderful son, yet behind it all, i am suffering like mad. But..my time will come, i have a great future planned, i am studying hard and i have just got to breaking point, it was going to happen one day, i dont think it was my boyfriend, it was both of us that caused the break and more so me because i was up and down iwth my emotions.

I regret it all , but i have some wonderful memories

Thank you for listening.

Heres to the un known future.

x

[sedgwick]

Besides which BPD is easier to identify because its traits are more concrete

 

*deep breath*

 

Okay, I can't believe I'm getting into this YET AGAIN here on LS, but as someone with BPD, I can't just let it go without some attempt at a general education of the diagnosis.

 

It took me TWENTY YEARS to be diagnosed with BPD. During that time, I was diagnosed with and medicated for both bipolar disorder and clinical depression. It is VERY common that people with BPD are misdiagnosed as bipolar, and that they tend to seek professional help only when in the depths of depression, leading to a one-sided view of the disorder. Once I finally, finally found someone who was able to identify these seemingly "concrete" traits, the ones you feel are so easily defined, it felt like a miracle. It felt like after all that time someone was finally giving me the correct information, like the thing that had mystified me my whole life was finally being given a name.

 

I cannot even begin to tell you how shortsighted it is to read "bunny boiler" and immediately jump to "borderline." Yes, that would be the obvious answer -- Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction has become the cinematic representation of BPD since that film was released in 1987. But how sad is it that, 21 years on, BPD is still such a misunderstood diagnosis?

 

Just because a woman is behaving in an obsessive manner does not mean that she is borderline. I realize you said you weren't trying to diagnose anyone, but you did see fit to post the entire DSM-IV criteria for the disorder in response to her post. She simply has not given enough information to justify speculation as to her mental illnesses or lack thereof.

 

To the OP: only you know if this behavior has persisted throughout your life or if it's specific to this occasion. Breakups can make otherwise "sane" people behave in "crazy" ways, to be sure. But one post on a message board does not a borderline make.

 

If, however, you (the OP) or anyone else reading this thread suspect BPD in yourself (and again I stress IN YOURSELF, not in somebody else), there are plenty of excellent therapies now being developed for the affliction. I've been in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) for a couple of years now and it's really helped me. There's also schema therapy, which is slightly more difficult to locate than DBT programs, but which has helped some sufferers significantly. Newer anticonvulsant mood stabilizers, such as Lamictal and Topamax, have shown great promise in borderlines as well. There is considerable evidence that the thalamus and its activity are "abnormal" in patients with BPD, autism, and epilepsy, and that BPD might stem from the same misrouted electrical impulses between the thalamus and the amygdala. I truly believe that BPD will be a) classified as an Axis I mood disorder and b) scientifically evident within my lifetime, and I hope against hope that this will allow the general public to understand the disorder in much the same way we understand epilepsy now. There is a continuum of temporal lobe disorders on which I believe BPD falls, and it would seem that neuroscience is on its way to providing definitive proof of this.

 

And now, to the OP, in regards to the situation at hand: you DO have control over your behavior. I encourage you to read the following DBT self-help site and see if the distress tolerance and/or emotion regulation skills provide you with any concrete tactics you can use to help yourself in times of stress, or at times when you long to contact him or his family. If you have any questions at all, please don't hesitate to ask.

 

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_skills_list.html

[D-Lish]

You know, my heart aches for you when I read what you are going through. I think most of us here know what it is like to be completely head over heels for someone and have a complete lapse in judgement and impulse control when it comes to handling the fact that someone we love with all out heart does not feel the same way.

 

Yes, you acted irrationally- and you did cross the line with your behaviour. However- i want you to realize, that you're not the first person to go a little loopy after a break up.

 

I can tell you that I have been so messed up over a break up that I have had those thoughts about calling and texting and showing up on their doorstep- wanting to call their friends and do anything I could to remain entangled with the person. We can't help how we feel- and we can't control the thoughts we have... but we can control the actions- or in your case- cease the actions that are so self destructive to you.

 

DOn't think you are the first person to ever feel the way you do. You are not. I have had my heart messed with- but I have developed a whole lot of will power when it comes to stopping myself from acting on those impulses. I do not contact guys thathave broken up with me- as tempted as I am. I just control the impulse. That's what you have to learn to do... how to find your own way that works for you in controlling the irrational impulses.

 

I still remember the one guy that ripped my heart out- It took every semblence of control and cognitive reasoning to stop myself from reaching out to him.

 

NO ONE likes to be rejected. It's a huge blow to the ego. But it's a matter of wrapping your head around the notion that sometimes relationships don't work.... It's not a rejection of you- it's a rejection of your compatibility with one another. When you feel better, your stability will give way to reason... and that reason will tell you that he wasn't the guy for you.

 

Just know that you are not weird for having these obsessive feelings- it's the impulse control that needs attending to. If you tend to be impulsive- then it's time to look at sitting back and taking a deep, deep breath before you go ahead with something.

 

We can't control our feelings, only our reactions. If you look at it logically- you'll realize that your reaction is a choice. So treat it like a choice- something you weigh out before proceeding- consequences and all.

 

You have done a really great job pin pointing what is wrong. Hey, that's a huge step. So many people behave in certain ways and never "get" it- never see it as a problem.

 

Forget the diagnosis stuff. Depression is a lot to deal with in itself. You just take one day at a time working on not contacting him.

 

BPD, other ailments- all the labels. Sometimes it's really just about heartbreak driving otherwise cool, stable people to do crazy things.

Doing crazy things does not make you crazy- it really only makes you incredibly human.

 

DO give up the gym. DO cut yourself some slack for acting out of intense emotion. You feel deeply- that's not bad, and it doesn't mean you have to be on meds the rest of your life.

 

Depression can be dealt with. I think most human being have psychological skeletons to varying degrees.

 

I'd be more worried about you if you came on here justifying your actions and ignoring your mis-steps. You acknowledge this break up has made you angst ridden and that your subsequent break up actions have been a huge mistake. Good for you- you can see that. If you can see that- you can change it.

 

I'm truly sorry you are hurt- but, the tools to heal this are within you---- never seek you own self worth through validation from another. This guy didn't define you or save you or complete you. Those are things you do yourself.

 

Don't seek out another man to fill any void you think might be missing- fill that void with your own accomplishments and happiness.

 

4 Days is awesome babe- keep it up- everytime an impulse hits.... stop, drop, and think it over.

 

Continue with your doc and the depression diagnosis.

You're not nuts- you're human. You really need to learn to love yourself first before you should date someone. A partner won't complete you- they will only exacerbate your own misery and insecurities if you haven't got your personal stuff figured out.

 

Hang in- one day at a time.

I wish you the best.