IceIceBaby Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 I am 26 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been together for 2.5 years. Things are great between us, he's very affectionate but I've noticed his interest in sex isn't like that of a normal guy. We only really see each other on Saturday and Sunday, so as far as I'm concerned I would like to have sex every weekend. He on the other hand will often get in bed and go to sleep immediately. Sometimes I try and initiate things but he usually just ends up falling asleep on me. It's really starting to do a number on my ego. I hate laying there wanting him and knowing he has no interest. The sad thing is when we do have sex...it's amazing. We spoke about this once and he said he's had this issue with past girlfriends. He said the sex part of the relationship is just not the most important thing to him. I told him how it made me feel, but he didn't really respond. I'm not saying I want sex every night, but when we only see each other one night a week, you would think he'd be interested as well. We've gone two to three weeks without any sort of action. Personally I think it's rather depressing and what does that mean our sex life will be like in 5, 10 years??? I find it hard to discuss with him because this seems to just be the way he is and plus I feel embaressed to have to bring it up. Any thoughts here? Is he just not attracted to me, is he lazy, have I really found a guy not that into sex, what the heck is this?????
rod_in_gtown Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 That's a big problem in my book, do you think that maybe he's getting sex somewhere else? It doesn't seem very normal for a 27 year old guy not to want sex all the time. I know I do. Maybe I'm some sort of sexual deviant... My ex-gf had libido problems in my opinion, she had highs and lows, and we would sleep naked regardless of whether or not we were going to have sex which ended up being a problem for me since the small was a full size and we would end up cuddling constantly. so there I was getting hard and horny and she was falling asleep. I ended up having to routinely going downstairs every morning before work and masturbating because she would only want to do it maybe once or twice a week. she was 25 and I was 29 then. I ended up having a lot of sexual frustration (compounded with many many other issues) that ended up in me breaking up with her.
Walk Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 There are issues that will decrease a man's libido. Health problems, medication, depressions, etc. He said past gf's have brought up this concern before, so I would assume his lack of desire has nothing to do with you. If it were you, then no other girl he's dated would have had an issue with it. And he would have no reason to bring up that fact. If I were in your shoes, I'd discuss with him if he's on libido depression medication, if he's consulted a doctor about the his lack of desire, if he'd be willing to for the sake of your relationship if he hasnt' gone. I'd also ask if he'd be willing to comprimise with you on frequency of sex. I don't think once a week is asking too much. However, you run into problems if he can't get it up. Maybe a better comprimise would be having him pleasure you once a week while he has the option to carry it through to full sex, or not. My H has decreased libido. Its frustrating at times. I'm okay with it because it's due to medication and I can rationalize that it's NOT ME. If there were no cause that we could determine, then it would really affect my self-esteem and I think eventually it would kill the relationship. So I think the steps you should take are: 1. Talk to him about reasons. (medication, health, mental) and ask him to rule those out if he hasn't already. 2. Ask him to meet you part way sexually. 3. If he won't agree to 1 or 2, then let him know that it will break the relationship.
rod_in_gtown Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 If I were in your shoes, I'd discuss with him if he's on libido depression medication, if he's consulted a doctor about the his lack of desire, if he'd be willing to for the sake of your relationship if he hasnt' gone. I remember talking about my ex gf about this and suggesting the idea of talking to a doctor. She got offended and the remainder of the conversation went to the tune of "that's the way I am and there's nothing wrong with me, maybe you should see a doctor and see if you can get your libido under control".
djhall Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 As a guy who has some experience with this issue, I could go on and on about this, but I'll try to keep it short. First the standard issues: 1) He may not be into you physically. If you were never his type physically, or have changed much in appearance since you met, he may have a hard time overcoming the lack of physical/visual attraction now that the newness has worn off. 2) He may not be that into himself physically. It is hard to act sexy when you don't feel sexy, and things like weight gain can make it hard to feel sexy when you are with your partner. 3) He may not be into you emotionally right now. He may feel you are pushing him away emotionally, or clinging too tighly, and being distant sexually is part of pulling away. 4) He may not be into himself emotionally right now. Low self esteem can lower the sexual drive or satisfaction, and even if he doesn't generally have self esteem issues he may be having other problems in his life causing temporary self esteem issues. Maybe he is having financial, personal, or work difficulties you don't know about. Low self esteem can lead to a feeling that if you really knew him you would't be attracted to him anymore which makes the sexual experience feel like a sham or a fraud. Now that those are out of the way, I found this interesting: We spoke about this once and he said he's had this issue with past girlfriends. He said the sex part of the relationship is just not the most important thing to him. I told him how it made me feel, but he didn't really respond. As I read it, the admission of having the issue with other girlfriends is basically a way of saying, "Don't feel bad, its not you, its me." The not respondig when you tell him how it makes you feel means he either doesn't understand what is wrong himself or he knows or suspects but thinks it is so bad he would rather leave you upset about not knowing than have you upset about what is really going on. So what does the part about the sex not being the most importatnt part of the relationship to him mean? First, elimintate the standard four listed above. If none of those are the issue, your man probably has some sort of psychological hang up about sex. Possibilites include: Sex is dirty and something you do with a slut, not someone you love and respect. He doesn't breed well in captivity, aka: new is sexy and he isn't interested in anything he can have whenever he wants it. Sex is a psychological "score" in the self-esteem department and now that you know him and love him as a person and not just a hot hookup, he doesn't get the psychological pay off anymore. His real sexual interests are different enough that he is seriously afraid to tell you abut them so your sex life really isn't doing it for him anymore (he is bisexual, he wants an open relationship, what really turns him on is a slut-wife who makes him watch while you have sex with all his friends, he really wants you to dress up in leather and force him to suck your toes before you bugger him with a strap-on, he doesn't really get off unless he is wering high heels and lingerie... or any number of other off the wall fetishes). Many men will simply say, I don't know and/or its just not that important, before they will risk the rejection and the loss of the rest of the relationship that they are certain will come if they tell the other person how they really feel about sex.
hotcrossbuns Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 It sounds as thought you two simply have incompatible libidos. This is no one's fault, but it sounds like it's going to cause some problems.
Walk Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I remember talking about my ex gf about this and suggesting the idea of talking to a doctor. She got offended and the remainder of the conversation went to the tune of "that's the way I am and there's nothing wrong with me, maybe you should see a doctor and see if you can get your libido under control". Haha.. I could see that. I'm not sure there's a good way to bring up that topic to some women. In my experience, men can understand the importance of sex, so they're more open to the idea of finding ways to increase their partners happiness sexually (if approached in a non-judgemental, positive way). Some women have no understanding of how important sex is, so not having sex is a non-issue. It becomes "your problem" at that point.
TigerCub Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I've been there before, I dated a guy for about a year and 8 months and near the end of the relationship that was the main problem. When we first went out and stuff he was all into it and wanted to fool around all the time, then near the end he could barely do it once a week and I felt the same way you did. It really does a number on you, because you start to question yourself. We all have insecurities and when **** like that happens it just makes them worse. I agree with the other posters about the medication or the stress, but honestly if it gets to the point where you feel its ruining your self esteem, and there is no medical reason (or he's not even willing to see a doctor) you shouldn't put yourself through that. It was a very difficult decision for me when I ended things, and it seems silly to some people I'm sure, but it really affected my self esteem when the guy would rather wank to porn than be with me (that may not be the case with you), but I decided it was more important for me to have a healthy self esteem and just end things and find someone else that wanted to be with me. But before you do anything drastic - maybe you can try to spice things up, I mean being together for 2 something years - people get really accustomed to each other, try doing something different, dressing up in a naughty fantasy outfit surprise him when he comes over to see you, something like that - maybe its just that the sex has gotten to that stage where its not new anymore, so give it a shot and try spicing things up... But honestly, as someone who has been there, you need to make sure that his actions or lackthereof don't get to the point where they destroy your self esteem. Good luck! *****HUGS*****
Lizzie60 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I am 26 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been together for 2.5 years. Things are great between us, he's very affectionate but I've noticed his interest in sex isn't like that of a normal guy. We only really see each other on Saturday and Sunday, so as far as I'm concerned I would like to have sex every weekend. He on the other hand will often get in bed and go to sleep immediately. Sometimes I try and initiate things but he usually just ends up falling asleep on me. It's really starting to do a number on my ego. I hate laying there wanting him and knowing he has no interest. The sad thing is when we do have sex...it's amazing. We spoke about this once and he said he's had this issue with past girlfriends. He said the sex part of the relationship is just not the most important thing to him. I told him how it made me feel, but he didn't really respond. I'm not saying I want sex every night, but when we only see each other one night a week, you would think he'd be interested as well. We've gone two to three weeks without any sort of action. Personally I think it's rather depressing and what does that mean our sex life will be like in 5, 10 years??? I find it hard to discuss with him because this seems to just be the way he is and plus I feel embaressed to have to bring it up. Any thoughts here? Is he just not attracted to me, is he lazy, have I really found a guy not that into sex, what the heck is this????? OMG.. this is a huge problem NOW.. imagine is 2-3 years.. you will be in an almost sexless relationship.. I don't think it will get any better.. some people (rather rare for men) just don't have much libido.. it's like that.. nothing or no one can change that.. they just have no interest in sex.. My advice: move on IF you can't envision your life with only 10-12 'sessions' a year.. it's that simple and that hard at the same time.. but it's your reality..
ahhhchooo Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 My ex GF was very attractive and sex with her was amazing, but I'm more or less the same as you say your BF is. Sex just wasn't that important to me and if we didn't have sex for a few days or whatever I didn't find it strange. We did have a lot of sex, but she initiated most of it. Maybe you just need to get him going?
pinata Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 It sounds like he has an issue he isn't dealing with... psychologically. I say this because I used to have a non-existent libido. I've had a lot of negative sexual experiences, nothing major, but still negative. Things that defeated my sexual being and discourage me from being comfortable with myself and gave me performace anxiety. I internalized most of it, and would end up just putting off sex with my significant other as long I could because I dreaded having sex. It felt like an obligation instead of having sex because I really just wanted to be with them. I thought I just had a weird libido until I had these realizations about myself, and now my sex life is back to being enjoyable and very much alive!
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